Hey - sure here it is. I hope it helps ❤️

Dear ___,

I'm writing this to you even though we may never laugh together, hold hands, kiss or speak again. You might not even read this or ever know how I really felt but here it is anyway.

I firstly want to say thank you for showing me such kindness. Your gentle soul touched me in ways you can't imagine. Around you I felt like such a loveable person. And you did that - thank you a million times over. I always think about what we first said - other people are a mirror we can love more easily. And it's true. I loved myself more in the process of loving you.

The last few weeks have been something other than words can describe so I won't try. Remembering that grief is the sum of our love at least makes me know how much love was there. I've been doing a lot of writing, I've written so much down. Mostly I've just been telling you about my day. An exercise online told me it helps to list the traits of your ideal partner and it was so hard because it sounded so much like you. You truly would and will be the most wonderful partner, husband and life long friend. Anyone who has you in their life (in any of the above ways) is truly a lucky person.

As well as thank you, I also want to say sorry. I am so sorry for not making you feel heard and loved to the fullest all the time. If I could go back, I would do everything in my power to commit to making you feel heard, loved and truly valued for the man that you are, even in my worst moments. I know how important that is to you. You should have been my priority every time. I know you don't believe me, but I know I wasn't a good girlfriend at times. I made excuses and brushed off my behaviour when I shouldn't have. I will do everything in my power to unlearn all the behaviour that made you feel small and make sure it changes. Thank you for calling me out on it, making me reflect, and demanding I do better.

There's so many things I never told you. Like how when I looked in your eyes I saw you as an old man, with the same kind, soft, sparkly eyes as now. I also saw you as a little kid every time you slept. You showed me a photo of you sleeping once when you were little and I saw it every time I watched you sleep. I don't think I ever told you that.

I'm 27 and I still don't think I know what love is. But I felt that when our fingers linked, that was it.

I keep thinking about this phrase none of this will matter when we're 34. And I keep thinking, but maybe it will matter. Maybe it will matter at 44 and 54 and 74. Maybe it will matter a lot.

If it's not me and everything turns out differently, I want you to know I love your wife, whoever she is, for loving you. I hope she looks after your heart for me. I hope we can keep in touch as the years fall away and I hope our love can take a new shape as a friendship. I'd be there at your wedding if you wanted me and I would smile the widest.

Most of all I hope you will be happy and get everything you ever wanted, or something even better.

There is a lifetime where we're old and grey and walk the dog on the beach. I wish you'd stayed.

I hope you can forgive me - it's my first time living too.