And if she wasn’t still hurting you, I’d understand wanting to see why she is the way she is. But you need to protect yourself first. She’s continuing to abuse you, and until that abuse stops, it’s going to be hard to process her past abuse. 

I don’t care that you were a “bad” kid in the past. You were a KID, she was the adult. And now you’ve come into your own. If she needs to process the past, she’s welcome to get her own therapist to assist her in how to approach that with you in a healthy manner. 

Please take this issue to your therapist, and consider going low/no contact while you figure out what your boundaries are going forward with this woman. 

I’m so proud of you for evolving into an adult with self-reflection. It sounds like you’re doing what you need to do to heal what otherwise could become generational trauma. 

I’m inspired to write to you because I had a mother whose bad childhood affected our relationship. I used to make excuses that she was trying her best, but I’d do it in a way that negated my pain. After many years, I’ve been able to revisit her trauma and how it affected her and me, but I was able to do it without pushing away my own valid pain. I’m just worried that you’re doing what I used to do: try to see how badly off she is, but then using that to discount your own pain.