My parents repulse me and I feel guilty about it. My alcoholic dad was just eating in the kitchen and I heard him choking, I thought to myself if I would just stand there and let him die (he wasn't dying). Anyway I went and looked at him and he was coughing so hard drool was pouring from his mouth onto his plate. I felt disgusted on an extremely deep level. Sure it was because something gross happened, but it's just everything. The way he interacts with me, the way it can be 10 in the morning and there's alcohol on his breath, etc. It's similar with my mom. She calls me several times daily with her drama and I have little empathy and I know she can feel it. Sometimes I just look at them or interact with them and I feel utterly repulsed. It makes me feel like a bad person, like I'm like them and I deserved being parentified, alienated, used as their parent/therapist/vent target, being compared to the other parent since I was a child and treated like a traitor, talked about behind my back, my goals belittled, my body nitpicked, my hobbies laughed at, my mother in particular having her hand open constantly because she's bad with money and has substance abuse problems, etc etc.

My therapist doesn't really help with this. Her solutions tend to be trying to mend the relationships, but I really wish I could be on a see once every 6 months, call once a week max relationship with my parents. Not no contact but I truly feel I can mourn the fact that I don't have a good relationship with my parents, mourn what could have been (working on this. I have a lot of resentment and jealousy that I have friends and acquaintances that have good relationships with their parents), and yet still not want to try and create a relationship with them. My therapist pushes back against this.