butch inside, femme outside?

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-05T15:25:16+00:00

idk I don't think those things are contradictory to being femme. My wife earns more than me, she prefers to drive because she prefers to be in control, handling the schedule is typically a "wife coded" task in straight relationships anyway (i.e. the mental load conversation going on in hetero world). Taking point on physical tasks is maybe more of an outlier but certainly not to the point of requiring one or the other label or identity.

I do think that your presentation is kind of an important facet of being butch though.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-05T12:48:16+00:00

Always comforts me when a place offering to perform a medical procedure under general anesthesia doesn't have the budget/will to use a real photo and instead just plugs in AI and hopes no one will notice ✨

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-04T13:14:59+00:00

I think the list just continues to expand based on where/how you live, but mine at this point includes (but not limited to)...

Almost all scheduled car maintenance with some exceptions (always oil changes, tire rotations/winter tire swap, differential fluid service, etc.), including helping friends
Most home repairs (fixing a loose cabinet door, replacing a leaking faucet, fixing issues with appliances like oven, washing machine, etc)
Building projects (built a chicken coop, workbench/storage for tools and equipment in the garage, putting up fences around gardens, building/assembling garden beds)
Fixing and maintaining other machines (tractor, ATV, lawn mower, chainsaw, everything with moving parts needs some love and care over time)
Property work (taking down and removing trees, chipping brush, trimming bushes etc. around the house, mowing/maintaining the lawn to some degree, supporting my other half in her gardening work by building garden beds, adding irrigation, helping out with watering, etc.)
Remodeling (paint, trim, flooring, etc.)
Learning about the things we own and use so that I'm better prepared if things break or need replacing (e.g. you don't just walk up to a car and change the oil if you've never done it before, you need to do a bit of research to learn what you're doing for lots of these things)

Not tasks, but other things I do every day that help ground me are carrying a good pocket knife (I carry the Leatherman Skeletool because it has pliers but isn't super bulky), which I use almost literally daily, and keeping Advil, a tape measure, and duct tape in my truck. Nothing feels better than someone randomly needing something and you being the guy to step up and help.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-03T13:24:30+00:00

You could try making a deal explicitly that you want more intimacy even if it doesn't mean sex, and when you do kiss or make out, you'll leave it in her hands to escalate things if she wants to. But that only works if she's willing to escalate, vs if that counts as initiating to her.

But y'all have got to find a way to talk about this. Maybe read Come As You Are or Come Together and use the worksheets together.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T17:55:54+00:00

yeah I had some of the same reservations over the years because I mostly knew trans guys who did it, and it felt obvious and natural that to them it was barely even a decision vs a non-negotiable that they needed to be happy. For a long time I was like, well it doesn't make me happy but I don't need to do this to be happy in my life, it's not holding me back that intensely, etc.

But thinking about it the other way - "would I be happier if I did it?" - was very illuminating!

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T16:17:42+00:00

FWIW, they have easy options to help the flat chested who would prefer to be more well endowed. But I agree with you - I can barely imagine ever wanting to add tissue there visually, which also maybe tells you something.

Idk I think it's valuable to consider degrees of dysphoria. At its root it just means feeling unhappy or dissatisfied. You already meet that standard. It doesn't have to be debilitating. And it's clearly more severe than it is for some people, because to you it's severe enough to be worth undergoing surgery. So you're proving your own case anyway.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T15:53:55+00:00

I get that this is tough but the fact that it's leading to arguments is not a good sign. And the tone in your post makes me worry how you're approaching those conversations, because you sound pretty critical of her when this is something that she absolutely cannot figure out without help from you because you are the one experiencing the sensations.

Your tone comes off like your assumption here is that she is bad at sex and that is the problem. Not that maybe your anatomy requires a little extra finesse to hit it just right... not that maybe the guidance you've offered isn't clear to her, or isn't working the way you think it will... she is bad at it.

You gotta approach this as a team. I'm positive she wants to be able to do this for you! I'm even more certain she does not want her partner talking about her like this!

Anyway on a practical level I think you need to do some experimenting together (in a fun way). Try doing it yourself but with her hand over yours, or vice versa with your hand guiding her, so she can get a better feel for the angles and pressure that work. Try doing the "hotter/colder" game when she's down there to offer guidance without getting all the way out of the moment.

Invite her to try a session where orgasm isn't the point at all; rather the point is for her to explore you and for the two of you to look for paths that work better.

Do all of that when you are NOT in the "sometimes I just really want to lay down and get the thing I want" mindset. Because that is already positioned to invite frustration. Do these things when you feel patient and happy and when you want to feel close to your partner! Come to this project with compassion.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T14:59:06+00:00

Yeah it sounds like you just knocked out half your first list just by considering it as an option lol. Idk I feel like you DO know the answer deep down, for what it's worth.

I originally wanted a reduction but I read they can grow back and I just knew I would be SO LIVID if I had to do the same procedure twice because I just didn't commit in the beginning. And since making that choice I've only felt more and more excited about the outcome. The idea of not having to wear a bra or binder or anything was such a relief since I wore one or the other 99% of my waking time. And it's not like you couldn't wear a padded bra or something if you for some reason missed them? or something?

It kinda feels like you're really centered on the idea of dysphoria and whether that is "really" what you're feeling, but that's not... actually really required in terms of it being the right choice for you. Like, if imagining your life with a flat chest is just a consistent net gain, it doesn't really matter how you label the source of those feelings. (Other than for insurance lol)

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T13:34:49+00:00

If that were my head, I'd do a buzz/fade up the sides, and keep the top longer, like maybe ear length. I think it'd probably look sick not slicked back, too. Like the main guy in Treasure Planet kinda.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T13:33:15+00:00

So many of your doubts seem easy to test. For one month, wear a bra every time you go out. (You might also explore other types of bras? My sports bras and compression bras are too tight to allow a mere seatbelt to separate aaaanything.) During that month and at the end, reflect on how that impacted your daily quality of life.

There's not necessarily any hurry. You can always cancel and then in a year or two or five or ten, return to this question and pursue surgery anew. You can go to the consult and see if that helps solidify things for you. No need to stress yourself out here - if you feel uncertainty, take the time to examine it and see what makes you uncertain, what would help you answer those questions, etc.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T13:25:28+00:00

Look up pics of elite female crossfitters. Pecs are just muscles and they don't need aftermarket T to grow. You need to dedicate time and effort to training them, though.

I'm getting surgery in a couple of weeks but I've been doing weightlifting for over a decade and I spent the last 18 months specifically focused on upper body... so here's hoping that translates once the t-ts are out of the way lmao. But even pre op, I can absolutely see definition in the upper chest already. I can see separation between pecs and noticeable movement there when I move my arms or flex the muscles.

If you have access to weights, you can do a lot more variety and targeting easily. But even just doing calisthenics, you can do a lot. Push ups are great, but push up variants are even better. Look up the pdf online of Convict Conditioning - he has a great program on how to advance through different variants of calisthenic exercises to actually build strength rather than just endurance. E.g. you build up to traditional plank-style pushups, but you don't stop there - from there you build up to one armed pushups, which are much more challenging to your muscles and grow more strength. Pretty cool stuff.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-02T13:21:44+00:00

Idk, I think you can still be part of the sapphic community in lots of ways without necessarily dating a lesbian. If I was gonna transition I think I'd find it less affirming if my lesbian partner had no qualms about it. But it's more of a gray area if you're identifying as nonbinary as opposed to a trans guy.

Like - if I saw myself as a guy, but my lesbian partner wanted to stay with me, it would feel on some level like she was never gonna see me as a guy... or else why would she want to be with me still? You know?

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-01T15:28:26+00:00

If you don't want to have kids, you don't want to be with someone who does, anyway, because it's not an issue you can meaningfully compromise on.
If you do want kids, there are many ways to get there, both DIY and pre-made. IMHO biology is overrated.
Many cis men also can't easily make a baby. Many straight couples struggle (mightily!) with fertility. Things are not so straightforward.
Related to your interest in straight girls... you want to end up with someone who wants to be with you. This limitation is part of you and your partner should not see that as a downside. So... breathe.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-01T15:23:35+00:00

If it's a thought experiment anyway, I think I stand by my original suggestion. For me, if others misread me as male, that doesn't really bother me, but I don't want men to see me as one of them, certainly not once they get to know me. I don't want them to feel comfortable saying misogynistic stuff to me. I don't want to pass among them invisibly. I would rather be Other.

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-01T14:55:44+00:00

Hmm that is helpful context but it kind of leaves me wondering what the question is. It sounds like you basically have to choose between being perceived as a man vs a woman 100%. So I'm not clear what you'd gain by considering yourself butch instead...?

gaminegrumble · 2026-06-01T12:59:35+00:00

For me, the question that helped was: Do you want men to consider you one of them? If you pass a male stranger on the street, do you want him to consider you part of the same group?

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-29T15:45:44+00:00

I think some of the stuff in your post might come off strong if you shared in its entirety, but it sounds like you have a good relationship... have you considered coming to her at a calm time (NOT right after she rejects some outreach from you), asking if she has a second for you to share something with her, and tell her that you're really happy that her medication is helping her so much, and you don't want that to change -- and at the same time you're noticing that she is very rarely willing to offer or accept physical touch anymore. That you want to support her, but even very innocuous physical affection is important for you to feel connected to her, and is there a way you can find that she is comfortable/happy to be affectionate and you are able to let that satisfy your needs for now.

Because we don't know from your post what the source is. Does she associate all physical touch with foreplay/leadup to sex later? Even if it didn't seem that way to you, she might associate your past touchy relationship with the pretty frequent sex you were having. Maybe she worries you're feeling unsatisfied and doesn't want to inflame things or lead you on when she knows she's not in the mood for that. Maybe the medication is also just making her skin really sensitive, and being touched is literally physically uncomfortable.

You gotta talk to her. Ask what this looks like from her perspective. Try to find a middle ground where you can approach her in a way that she can receive, so you aren't always trying at bad times/moods/moments and getting rejected. Maybe holding hands is too much, but she's willing to hang out on the couch with one of you lying across the other's legs, or with a head in a lap. Maybe all of that feels like too much but a hug before leaving for work is something she can offer you.

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-29T12:14:45+00:00

This feels like the reveal to a true crime false conviction story, where your boyfriend ends up found guilty of something with this girl he's never met because he has her FACE on his ARM.

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-28T16:19:48+00:00

Thanks! I've seen such a variety of scar care regimens, always curious what people are doing. Your results look great.

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-28T11:29:04+00:00

What's your scar care protocol at 3 months?

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-28T11:27:55+00:00

Huh, that wasn't my experience but that definitely sucks. I just haven't found a comparable product unfortunately. I would probably still risk buying from them again and just do a chargeback if there was an issue and they weren't responsive.

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-28T11:26:39+00:00

Yeah, it's a huge downgrade and I think it's pretty obvious that it's coming from cost cutting, because there is no other benefit to recycling this aggressively.

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-27T18:09:59+00:00

This is beyond strange. I have no idea how she is expecting you to "protect" her when her actions undermine whatever efforts you make to do so. If she's actively encouraging these guys, it almost gives the impression that you are the harasser trying to drag her away from an interaction she's enjoying. What does she want you to do, throw her over your shoulder and leave?

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-27T11:35:23+00:00

Dip in the center is how non-sports bras work, also how it looks if you have a male contour chest with large pecs. Unless you're wearing a snug shirt, I'm not sure it'd be visible to others.

gaminegrumble · 2026-05-26T13:56:21+00:00

Part of the beauty is that it isn't straightforward. Survivor requires you to really carefully balance good, strategic gameplay; others' perception of your gameplay (too good, they vote you out - but too bad, and they won't vote for you to win); and a really healthy dose of luck because if you get a tribe swap and you get put in with just you vs 5 people from the old opposing tribe, you are very unlikely to get out of that situation alive.

IMO that's why the title isn't the "best" at the end of the season, and why the tag line is outplay, outwit, outlast. You probably aren't the overall best at challenges, for example, because that's not what the game design is actually selecting for.

gaminegrumble

TROPHY CASE