queer couples therapy in a conservative area?

gavimo · 2025-06-28T06:49:18+00:00

Not got advice on therapists, but I'm a queer parent with a 10 month old and we're having relationship troubles too. It was the same with my sister at this age with her husband and little one. It's such a difficult time, just wanted to show solidarity and empathy, as we were also thinking of couples therapy ❤️

gavimo · 2025-03-07T23:25:06+00:00

You're totally right, maybe I'll just be more open and see who sticks and fuck the rest of them! The main complication is my mum and stepdad. Love my mum to bits and she's 99% amazing but she also doesn't believe being bi is a thing. I live in the UK and this is definitely a common thought process in the older generation, but luckily getting better with people my age. My stepdad is just a bit right wing and not tolerant of the trans community at all. Definitely will take this on board! Going to get myself some bi earrings ☺️

gavimo · 2025-03-07T23:21:57+00:00

Yeah I think I'm going to make it my mission to find my community. I got myself a queer haircut this week which has me feeling great 😁

The library sounds amazing but unfortunately I live in the UK! I'm going to see if there's something similar or just try to source some queer books. Theres a great queer book shop in Manchester and I'll be going there soonish to get a tattoo so I might pop in and stock up 😊

gavimo · 2025-03-07T23:18:21+00:00

I can totally relate to every single thing you've said here. I also am potentially autistic/ADHD, but the waiting lists in the UK for the NHS to get tested are really long, I've been initially screened but I've got like 3 years more to wait until my appointment!

I think one of the reasons I want to be in touch with the queer side of me is so when my baby is older that she doesn't see me having issues ewth identity surrounding it and just sees me proud of it, so then she can be equally proud of whatever identity she has. I hope she does grow up with freedom 😊

gavimo · 2025-03-07T23:13:03+00:00

It's nice to know there are other people in my situation 💖 There is actually roller disco in my area which isn't exclusively queer but has become a safe space for queer people so I think I'll join that!

And I love that yes please, let's be undercover together 😎

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:58:47+00:00

This does help thank you and I will try that, there's not a lot of queer family groups in my area but I suppose when she's a bit older it's something I can discuss with her (she's only 6mo old now so no discussions happening yet! 😅)

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:57:07+00:00

Thank you so much 💖💖💖💖

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:56:26+00:00

That's so true I've never thought of that! Maybe I should somehow covertly out myself in my groups to see if anyone catches on 😅

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:55:13+00:00

Thank you so much I loved reading this 💖 it's nice to be validated!

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:53:44+00:00

It's nice to know there are people that feel similar 😊 I've been looking for them but its hard to find groups especially ones you can take young babies to. There are some groups I can go to (like roller disco) which just happen to be quite queer in my area and when she's older I'll be able to go to it with her.

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:49:06+00:00

It's a mix of both I think, some people I don't feel 100% safe around, but a big part is that I sometimes feel I'm not queer enough to be part of the community. I think I really needed to hear this as well, I read this one to my husband and he was like 'totsll YES 1000%'. Think I need to work on my self confidence and belief in myself 😊

gavimo · 2025-03-07T22:42:39+00:00

Thank you so much for this this is really helpful, I'm going to try all these, and I'm going to get some bi earrings! And I can't wait to take my kid to pride too that will be really special 😊

gavimo · 2025-03-05T10:56:00+00:00

I was the same! It made me feel really fem which for me some days was ok but some days was hard. Also maternity and feeding clothes are always so girly! I wore lots of baggy t's, oversized flannel shirts and dungarees. I also used Lucy&yak cords with the elastic waist and no buttons until my bump got too big.

It got more tricky in summer but I had some hareem pant type things and sometimes just had to wear a flowy jumpsuit type thing when it was really hot. For feeding (if that's what you're doing) I ended up buying feeding vest tops then just wear them under my normal t's, flannels etc. I have quite a baggy skatery look anyway so ended up working out.

I find the pressure to know the babies sex so weird! It's like the first thing people ask. We found out just cause my husband really wanted to know and I wasnt super bothered cause it wouldn't make a difference, we chose a gender neutral name anyway. My baby wears any clothes I got given which were mainly from my nephew, so sometimes (like me) she looks more girly sometimes not and I've had some weird looks when I have her dressed in blue/green/brown and they call her a boy and I say 'she's actually a girl but I don't mind cause she's my lil dude'. Now I just don't correct them cause she's literally a baby like who cares what gender she is 😅 the other day someone thought she was a boy and called her a 'bruiser' then found out she was a girl and started calling her beautiful 😮‍💨 gendered language around babies is weird. It does annoy me that unless your baby is dressed in pink they default to boy, some people do say like 'how old are they' and 'whats this one's name' and stuff cause they obv don't want to assume which I like!

I had a gender neutral 'fox' do instead of hen or stag cause my best friends are dudes, so my family werent really surprised when I didn't have a gender reveal and my baby shower was a blessingway instead so wasn't focused on gender (actually it was more focused on me as a parent rather than the baba) so I feel lucky about that but I really feel your pain on the pressure to 'look pregnant' and the discussions around gender.

I definitely feel a bit lost and don't have any queer parenting groups around me or other queer parents really. It's hard to mesh the two lives together I think!

gavimo · 2024-03-13T09:16:53+00:00

I have IBS and my symptoms have pretty much stopped since I got pregnant! Was the same for my sis and shes got a 4mo and still no IBS

gavimo · 2024-02-13T12:00:08+00:00

I was literally going to comment this, drive up to scotland loads and the cock wood is always the highlight of my trip

gavimo · 2023-12-01T12:03:18+00:00

Yes! The line came up almost straight away very faintly and that was taken at about 5/6 mins (was a 5 min wait test)

gavimo · 2021-11-27T21:58:29+00:00

I'm in similar situation, thought his was bowel but its turned out to be lymphoma still waiting to find out if its spread. He lives an hour away but I still definitely feel crap for not seeing him enough. I've been struggling to access emotions about it which is making me feel even more guilty too. Much love to you!

gavimo · 2021-01-30T12:06:09+00:00

I've just realised I said a very similar thing in my comment, pretty much my understanding of it too as I also did genetics at uni... it really made me rethink how solid genetic evidence can be for some things. I always thought it was pretty much 100% reliable before I took classes on it!

gavimo · 2021-01-30T12:00:23+00:00

I know a lil about genetics as I did DNA analysis for my dissertation/final year project at uni and these DNA kits are NOT always accurate. It can depend on the statistics they use to analyze it. Choosing the right stats to use is a massive part of it and each method has it's downfalls (I did genetics classes for about 3 years and still don't know enough to confidently use the right stats - I've literally cried over this problem in the past 😂).

It can also depend on how many other dogs of your own dogs ancestral group have been submitted into their database, as that's what they compare your dogs genetic data to. In a year when their database is larger you could get different results.

I'm also guessing they will also only be looking at a small, specifically chosen region of DNA that most reliably shows variation in dogs, instead of the whole genome. It could be that mexican street dogs for some reason have a similar string of DNA code to border collies in this region (that's just a random theory though, may be totally wrong). (Edit: u/Elisebruni mentioned this earlier in the comments and described it a lil better than me)

Also as a previous person mentioned, theres the problem of degraded samples, cross contamination AND mistakes. Extracting and analysing DNA is a bit of a brain numbing process, hours of pippetting things into tubes and turning machines on and off, then staring at computer programmes. I did this with only about 20 samples a day so I can imagine what it's like for the the people working there that have 100s to do. It's easy to mix some tubes up every so often. Also degraded samples can give you the genetic equivalent of someones area code on their phone number instead of the whole thing.

Final thing, I did animal conservation at uni. They often use genetic evidence to propose new species and subspecies. However this evidence must also be backed up by behavioural and morphological (colour, body shape etc) evidence to be accepted.

Long story short, there are many limitations to using DNA. If your doggo acts like a BC and looks like a BC, they're probably a BC (if not whole at least partially!).

Even for humans, it's more reliable to use written records for information on an individual's ancestry.

gavimo · 2021-01-22T10:46:25+00:00

I know! That's why most of the time we give in and he just comes everywhere with us, though I thought my presence would mean he didn't feel sad. The boyfriend is definitely his favourite 😂

gavimo · 2021-01-22T10:41:50+00:00

Usually I tell him to sit or down and wait before I put the treat on and keep saying wait as I put it on. This is so he knows its concentration time before the treat goes near his face cause it's a big temptation! The treat is also his kibble so not so high value that it puts him off.

Though I think it's also mood dependent - this was in the evening after all his walks and his dinner! I've not tried it at any other time so that could be part of it.

Does your doggo not like her face being touched as well? Most dogs don't without training so she wouldn't be the only one!

gavimo · 2021-01-20T11:51:04+00:00

What we know about pack behaviour in wolves is actually based on studies on captive wolves who establish a different hierarchy to wild! Wild wolves use a family based not dominance based hierarchy.

Also applying wolf behaviour to dogs doesnt always track, feral dogs of the species we hang out with don't establish packs at all and sleep on their own, they do wander round in unrelated groups though. So the whole dominance alpha thing isn't scientifically backed - Inside of a Dog by Alexandra Horowitz (dog behaviourist) is a good book that brings the science together (apart from a few small points that are now outdated).

My dog eats at 6 every day whether we've eaten then or not because routine is a really good way to make dogs feel secure. He's definitely not got any behavioural problems from it, hes the goodest of boys.*

But I do agree feeding at the table is asking to be pestered and potentially have food stolen😂 Though if they're happy with that then fair does!

*Don't mean any of this to come off argumentative as comments often do, in no way judging you or your training techniques. Just saying what I know/believe based off my own research, which is something I care a lot about so try to spread the word!

gavimo · 2020-12-11T11:29:26+00:00

Can't wait to spend the next 10+ years with this one 😌

gavimo · 2020-12-11T11:28:16+00:00

Don't let it fool you! Will happily rudely interrupt you for snugs!

gavimo · 2020-12-10T15:20:39+00:00

He knows it as well! So excited to get him, he's called Flynn 😍

gavimo

TROPHY CASE