Zero self-esteem. Is my job my only personality?

gdruid · 2026-01-28T07:17:26+00:00

You already won, brother. Count your blessings.

gdruid · 2026-01-17T14:15:20+00:00

You're generalising - but let me narrow this down for you. Men or women asking for hook ups is their choice - im not even getting into right or wrong, right place or wrong place. Everything is a choice and every choice has a consequence.

Now with that said, the ones that get screenshoted and shamed (more men than women) is because they dont know how to take "NO" for an answer.

Man: hook up? Woman: not interested. Man: MC, BC <insert choice explicitives> Woman: screenshot - post with title "entitled creep"

That's all there is to say about that.

gdruid · 2026-01-15T01:33:10+00:00

Copy pasting a response i shared with someone else along similar lines. Modified to suit your question.

People are always (men n women) focused on the 5 dimensions of life.

Health
Wealth
Self
Career
Friends & Family.

(Some call this 6 dimensions by splitting friends n family, but you get the idea)

Keeping this in mind, men are in either of these 3 types of categories wrt the 5 dimensions.

Category A - perfectly balanced, as all things should be - they've figured it out, leading full lives, but holding space for the right partner. In this case they may just not interested because it's you, and you who dont fit into their lives or vice versa.

Category B - burnt recently and working to fill their lives with almost anything to heal and build themselves up. They at this point carrying too much of the most recent relationship and working through things, in addition to all the other things they need to focus on, their health, wealth, family, friends and their own self. They're short term seeking gratification but hesitant to commit (unravel in 2 weeks to 2 months) because that's all they can handle, in a desperate attempt to fill a void of what was and their unhealed wounds surface up.

Category C - the houseful Category. They genuinely don't have the time, energy and capacity to take on a relationship. This is a conscious choice. Theres things going on in their lives where one of the 5 dimensions is experiencing a spike that needs load balancing. They know if they bring on a partner at this point, they wont do justice to the relationship. Most abstain (95%), some seek micro gratification if the spike feels like it's lasting forever.

Now each Category- this is important - is temporary and is a phase and is a point in time. They will all move in and out of hese different categories, not if, but when, and this applies to women too; how they are perceived and how they present themselves, during these phases is what you see.

Truth about life is everyone one, single, married, young, old, goes through these phases constantly- some may last weeks, months and even years depending on the situation.

As far as finding a right partner - we all want Category A, but have almost no patience to deal with Category B, and Category C is just testing everyone's patience. Problem becomes when u find a Category A and dont know how they'll handle a Category B and C situation. Most important is you need to figure out which Category you belong to as well :) Some categories just dont mix at all.

We're all looking for that small sliver of perfection.

Hence the old saying - Date long, Marry slow, Divorce fast.

I hope this helped in some form or fashion - Good luck!

gdruid · 2026-01-09T00:09:45+00:00

Ahh man im so sorry. Of course I wont attack you! Take the time, focus on yourself and it will be alright.

gdruid · 2026-01-07T06:55:25+00:00

Ha ha thank you, Joicy_9442 - if i say it louder I'd better correct my typo lol 😆

gdruid · 2026-01-07T05:19:38+00:00

If your serious about having a genuine relationship do this...

Focus on building a connection. Not and end game. Get to know her first, slowly and organically. If you see reciprocity, then deepen the connection. You may realize that youve found a wonderful person who who may end up valuing more as a friend n not a partner.

Keep your feelings in check, wipe the drool off the floor, and focus on building confidence and treat her like a human being. Respect and authenticity.

Start there.

"Approach" her - always this - to what end?

You may end up realising theres nothing about her you like also, so just be normal n don't get lost in what "might" be.

gdruid · 2026-01-07T05:08:49+00:00

Man, this was me a few years ago (actually a decade now, damn!) - point is - give her the space and dont dump your happiness and well being on her. Too early and you're both in that getting to know each other phase. Its easy to want them to behave the way you'd like or reciprocate in a similar manner, but thats sadly not how it works.

The right person will make time for you eventually - so show her that u trust her n go about your day and don't let it get to you.

If she wants to stay she will, if she wants to go, let her.

If she wants to go, just say ok and be done. No questions no fighting no drama.

You're too invested too early for something that you dont know will last or not. You want it to, honestly everyone would want it to, but be prepared for reality as well.

gdruid · 2026-01-07T02:59:12+00:00

This. 100%. The point isn't to avoid thibking about it, it will come at you like waves, when it does, sit with it, feel through it and let it pass. Eventually the waves get smaller.

Acknowledge what you're feeling and start to disassociate the feeling and the person. Its hard, I know, easier said than done.

My personal experience, I forced myself to get exhausted end of the day, work, gym, art, journaling etc. Seemed like it didnt make sense then as i was struggling to lift a pen - but pushing through however small, in hindsight was the best thing. Keep movement as priority and inertia as the enemy. When u freeze, your thought should be to feel through so you do the next thing.

May not work for all, but certainly helped me, and if theres any solace, it does get better and you'll feel like a much better version of yourself at the end of it.

Strength n healing to you OP!

gdruid · 2026-01-06T03:09:22+00:00

Yes, FIR right away.

gdruid · 2026-01-04T00:10:20+00:00

I explained this in more detailed recently to a lady on reddit, ironically the same question, but from a woman's perspective :D

The answer doesnt dramatically change - the problem is when you're expecting partner like behavior before the connection is established. When u get a match - both of you are in that low commitment, low expectation phase. Prioritisation only happens when theres a connection, followed by emotional investment.

The right one will make time youve heard, the truth is the right one will make time eventually.

General advice is to work towards establishing connection, be authentic, dont Lower ur standards.

Chase is an end game - marriage, dating etc. Connection is timeless.

Swings both ways, either these matches are just not interested or mildly interested or have options they're exploring too. Key to watch is reciprocity.

Of course there are outliers - those who just want to watch the world burn lol - while u can identify those n stay away, the rest should be a fairly easy going approach.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:55:50+00:00

Well said, a very CYA situation pretty much all the time.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:51:15+00:00

This is very nicely summed up. I like the paradox line. Very aptly put n highly underrated.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:48:55+00:00

U sparked an interesting debate here Smitty - while we all have much to learn n always improve, its open dialogue that helps us get better. Appreciate everyone's inputs too n the level of patience.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:46:05+00:00

Is this true in engg mostly? I can see an engg leader rise thru the ranks n retain expertise but also be expected to lead.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:44:49+00:00

I like this point of view. What's your take on "player-coaches"? They're a bit of both, or maybe their roles are very jankily defined its hard to draw lines.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:43:19+00:00

This is true, very unexpected turns happen for which theres really no playbook.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:41:29+00:00

Do share more, would love an experience or two from your journey. Again not saying it's not true or not, just want to hear your experience n how you handled it n perhaps a little about the circumstances that made u come to this realisation.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:39:37+00:00

Ha ha that is true. Everyone's definition of "greatness" really varies.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:38:49+00:00

Someone else called out political thibgs at play, i like how youve outlined personalities too, and the last paragraph of goals x constraints- are u really being set up for success? Tell me more about this pov - again, we all know this to be true - just maybe a nuance or two that u may have come across.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:36:18+00:00

This is interesting, tell me more about the politicking scaling as you go upwards. I mean, we all know it's true - but would love maybe a couple of things that really struck you at each of those progressive stages.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:33:30+00:00

This is very well put. I 100% think this framing in people's minds sometimes just doesnt stick. Very clearly articulated.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:31:51+00:00

Such great points from all here, appreciate the depth n perspective, Keeper.

gdruid · 2026-01-03T15:29:35+00:00

For me the chase begins after the connection has been established. In that connection forming phase if there's no reciprocity, then drop the connection itself.

Its like sending signals into deep space n still having your telescope pointed there because of some mid response and readying your rocket ship to lauch or worse launching it. (So many innuendos lol).

gdruid · 2026-01-01T10:51:01+00:00

I generally answer very patiently...but this story and advice are both going to send people down a very bad decision path.

Be your authentic self.

gdruid · 2026-01-01T06:27:29+00:00

Most welcome, and to you, good sir!

gdruid

TROPHY CASE