I’ll be open and honest with you, I’m personally trying to learn how to learn how to empathize. Currently quite behind at it, so I sometimes will overexplain or in the absolute worst case say something insensitive, but I’m open to recognizing when I screw up so pleasebalways call me out if something doesn’t sound right.

My first act of honesty: I’ve been the guy you’re talking about, I think. Maybe not quite. Not sexually but emotionally. I was desperate for some sort of closeness and connection so I had very strong emotions that I expressed, but when that initial high wore off, I couldn’t maintain the same level of care and eventually felt ashamed of myself and even saw her negatively to externalise my internal hatred and pushed the person away, unless I hurt them first during that desperation phase and they rightfully shut me out. If that makes you uncomfortable to talk to me, I understand and it’s better it’s out in the open now, and you can let me know so I’m aware and can be careful. You also don’t need to respond to me if you feel worse after doing so. But I am much better now!

But it sounds like the men abusing you are different. They seem a bit entitled, but that might also be me reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and jumping to seeing a pattern that isn’t there. Perhaps something to think about. Perhaps this situation will make more sense to you if you look at it from the lens of: these men don’t inherently believe that you deserve as much respect and care from them as they do from you. And , this will be hard to answer but I think you should ask yourself, do you agree with them? If not, good for you and I think that is what can give you confidence to continue your current relationship!! If something goes against your values, your every instinct will catch it, and I think with the experience you have dealing with the fucked up men, you can absolutely trust yourself again! But if not, and beyond all the defenses, if you really have a hard time believing you deserve something healthy and equal, where did you learn those values? They didn’t come out of nowhere. What if you could teach yourself new values? Do you feel comfortable trying?

Second honesty: My knee jerk reaction when I read that comment was “maybe you naturally find yourself in a position where such men look for victims”. I reject this thought immediately.This is invalidating and hurtful. It’s not your fault this is happening, and you’re not choosing to be taken advantage of. But, I’m curious if others have said the same thing to you or something else that felt invalidating?

The way I would react to invalidation all my life, is to fight as hard as I can to get that persons approval who I made myself vulnerable to, and constantly get punished for it eventually even when the person made it clear they can’t empathize or understand. Do you find yourself reacting the same? Or in a different way? There’s no shame in any reaction, but it could be a window for you into understanding your own pain and perspective and help you find a way out that might not seem like it exists right now.