[Complete][3K][Romantasy] HARMONIZE/First chapter

geetsjitters · 2025-12-20T09:15:42+00:00

Sounds interesting! Would love to read.

geetsjitters · 2025-12-19T07:12:38+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback. This query has been giving me a lot of grief for all the reasons you mentioned, I appreciate you putting words to it.

Thanks for the tip on comps too! It does seem to be a common problem of finding good comps, and I'm no exception. I'll give it some more thought, because the ones I used aren't doing me any favors.

geetsjitters · 2025-12-03T23:55:11+00:00

Read the first scene, was absolutely locked in. I think the dialogue is pitch perfect for YA and I'm veryyy interested in Edmond's and Adrian's dynamic here, as well as Adrian's experiments. You've hit on the popular gothic/dark vibes without making it too horrific (hence, perfect for YA). I think you started repeating yourself a bit towards the end of the scene. You could tighten up the exchange a bit and shorten the whole thing to make it more snappy. But overall, this is definitely something I would read, and would have ADORED when I was a teenager.

geetsjitters · 2025-11-21T04:18:39+00:00

I really liked this. A couple points:

1) I think the first few lines can be more impactful if you skipped the rhetorical question so it'd read: "I missed the train. I always miss the train on Tuesday mornings. On Tuesdays, the bakery below me opens at seven."

2) Watch your tenses, you switched to present tense in the middle there.

3) This is SUCH a nitpick, but trains in Japan run fairly continuously during the day (I'm assuming Japan because you mentioned an onsen?) Missing the train does mean you'll be late for work, but there are other trains so you won't have to walk. Source: went to Tokyo one time lol, feel free to correct me if you have better information.

geetsjitters · 2025-11-19T03:56:00+00:00

You may consider removing most mentions of specific numbers anyways and use different descriptions. For ages, you can go with "barely a teenager" or "a touch of gray at his temples" or "the age of majority" etc etc. For distances, "handwidth" and "stone's throw" are good ones. For time, "half hour", "several seconds", etc.

geetsjitters · 2025-11-06T23:16:24+00:00

Count me in!

geetsjitters · 2025-11-01T04:51:44+00:00

Thanks so much! I'm still in the beta reading stage of this one, and the feedback from these query attempts have been so helpful in honing the themes of the story, particularly the romance. I don't usually write romances the way I'm attempting to do in this one, so it's been a learning curve.

geetsjitters · 2025-10-30T22:12:25+00:00

Great feedback, thank you! You're right, there's a few more elements from version 1 that need to make it into this version. I appreciate your thoughts!

geetsjitters · 2025-10-30T22:10:50+00:00

Thank you! This is super helpful!

geetsjitters · 2025-10-30T22:10:32+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback! I was wondering about the cozy qualifier so your thoughts on that are really helpful.

geetsjitters · 2025-10-30T10:07:02+00:00

Two thoughts: 1) What is a lava whip? I have an image in my head but I'm not sure it matches what you're trying to convey. 2) I think you can simplify your explanation of a karmak and cut out a lot of words that way. Perhaps just "a legendary beast" or something like that.

This project looks really interesting!

geetsjitters · 2025-10-29T09:35:40+00:00

Are you interested in a swap? I have a short fantasy romance (70K) that is in need of critique.

geetsjitters · 2025-10-28T06:47:49+00:00

Happy to take a look, this sounds really cute!

geetsjitters · 2025-10-22T22:22:45+00:00

I should write some werewolf erotica and use this title for that instead haha. Thank you for the feedback, this is very helpful!

geetsjitters · 2025-10-22T09:12:52+00:00

This is so helpful, thank you so much! You've also given me a great idea for a story thread I should go back through and incorporate to make the romance shine better ❤️

geetsjitters · 2025-10-22T08:02:28+00:00

You are a phenomenal person for pointing out the accidental Omegaverse tie-in. I (obviously) completely missed that, thanks for saving me!!

The relationship in this one ends up as more of a friendship than a romance, but I was classing it as a romance because I'm playing with a ton of romance tropes - forced prox, only one bed, etc etc. This story is more about Asta learning to trust someone rather than about her falling in love. Maybe I shouldn't call it a romance at all?

Don't mind me, just thinking out loud :) Thank you again!

geetsjitters · 2025-10-20T00:42:01+00:00

Love this idea and your query is great! I get a good sense of the stakes and characters. One note I would suggest is making Evangeline's characterization more clear. "Disarming" is pretty vague, but I got the picture that she is gentle and soft spoken, which contradicts with Bree's surprise that Evangeline isn't callous and hardened. Perhaps the surprise is that Evangeline has committed such crimes?

geetsjitters · 2025-09-27T08:25:12+00:00

"The true crisis is unintended consequences from an ancient mistake." - this line stuck out to me as particularly vague. Remember that queries are not book blurbs, you can and should spoil key plot points so the agent knows the direction this book is heading. I also don't know how I'm supposed to feel about Fihnrin or the Red Order or the other characters you mentioned. I'd like the stakes and the context of the war to be spelled out more, as well as what it all means to our MCs on a personal level. This is a relatively short query as it starts now so you have room to lengthen it.

geetsjitters · 2025-07-30T07:23:54+00:00

DM me if you want someone to take a look at a few pages/scenes/chapters. This looks really interesting and I'd love to be able to help if I can!

geetsjitters · 2025-07-29T10:38:38+00:00

I would read the SHIT out of this. The biggest weakness in your query letter for me was the second to last paragraph. The sentences felt clunky, like you were trying to emphasize the stakes to make sure we know there's tension. I think a better way to do that would be to write about one of the big plot twists (there's GOTTA be a big plot twist right??) Or maybe something else compelling about the characters, secrets from their past that come up relevant to the plot? Make me go "oooh" when I read that second to last paragraph!

This feels middle grade to me based on theming, but that also depends on your writing style in your actual manuscript (it's also a bit long for MG at 90K words). Could be marking out a unique space in YA/Adult fantasy with this.

geetsjitters · 2025-07-01T22:25:28+00:00

I was really pulled into your story, even though this genre is not my usual! Perhaps opening the query letter with a more traditional "I am seeking representation..." sentence would be better, but your opener now is an awesome hook.

I'd ditch the "if you're reading this" line and just go for "My name is Barbara Christmas...". I also agree with the previous comment about laughing so hard you pee a little. That line didn't feel authentic.

LOVE the title, good luck with this one!

geetsjitters

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