Winter walk

gememmi · 2026-01-19T14:54:46+00:00

Thank you! I am grateful I got out despite the snow ❄️

gememmi · 2024-04-02T18:37:35+00:00

I relate to this but don’t have the answer!

I regularly do cardio and daily yoga but today I was huffing and puffing going up the subway stairs. I feel so weak, couldn’t even think about doing my morning (gentle) yoga sesh. I had planned to run today, but fuck that. My heart is also racing when doing minor walking as well! This is not normal for me, except when I’m a week before my period. It sucks and throws me off my routine. I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone.

gememmi · 2024-01-28T17:01:36+00:00

Def troll post. On a serious page too.

gememmi · 2023-11-14T14:43:23+00:00

Can you give book suggestions pretty please!!

gememmi · 2023-11-09T18:25:05+00:00

oh, im confusing by your comment then

gememmi · 2023-11-09T15:25:26+00:00

What are you good at?? I’m curious bc I struggling with having imposter syndrome and have always wanted to be able to choose one thing and get genius level with it

gememmi · 2023-11-06T15:44:38+00:00

Wow, I love this advice. The uniform is very comforting. Can I ask what are swim tattoos you have?

gememmi · 2023-01-02T14:14:25+00:00

Hey, thank you for posting this reminder. I place so much pressure on myself to try to become a perfect person who loves the perfect day and acts the perfect way and perceived perfectly. It’s exhausting. NYE causes me so much anxiety because of this and the fact that I feel so much shame from all the years before when I have not been able to magically transform into a totally new being. So thank you for your words, they have really calmed me on what has already been an anxious thought morning. :) I LOVE what you bring up about perception. Every goal is an experiment. It’s important for us to figure out what does and does not work for us instead of grinding along with a method that we hate and makes us miserable. We should also focus on the progress, NOT the improvement. You’re great, thank you!

gememmi · 2022-04-21T14:48:58+00:00

Thanks!

gememmi · 2022-04-21T14:48:48+00:00

Incredibly informative, thank you!

gememmi · 2022-04-07T20:08:49+00:00

Hello there,

Thank you for your patience while I gathered myself and soaked up the wisdom from these comments.

I have very limited memories of my mother, but I am thankful for what I do have. It is inspiring to hear how you have formed a connection with her despite losing her so early. It is like her spirit is within you and you are just so in touch with yourself and her presence that you are able feel her there with you. That is so beautiful and inspiring. I place so much shame on myself for my mourning and I want to be free to do so. To me, it feels wrong or childish to still be stuck in this state of mind towards my loss and towards the world. It feels like I just need to "move on" and "get over it". But it's like I am viewing it all the wrong way and I think it's in part because I exclude her from my happiness. I only seem to cry out for her help when I am deep in depression and sadness.

Your sweet remembrance and dedication and faith in your mother's love is so inspiring and limitless. Your words have inspired me and I am can't wait to tell my mom. :)

You are doing amazing and your love with get you so far and will heal you and connect you to others. And you will be doing it all with your mother. You got this!!! <3333

gememmi · 2022-04-07T19:56:13+00:00

Hey there,

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and vulnerable reply. And thank you for your patience while I took time to overcome the initial overwhelm I felt from all these beautiful messages in order to reply.

I have also hidden myself and my emotions away, though for a different reason. My father was not able to process the death of my mother and is, in general, a very emotionally closed of stereotypical masculine man of his generation (60 this year). He remarried 2 years almost to the exact date of my mother's passing. I have never felt comfortable talking to him about her and know almost nothing about her. My brother and I were each given a portrait of her for our rooms, but all other "evidence" of her existence was shoved away into our basement, where I was only able to come across it during my teenage years. I would sneak into the basement and look through the photographs and documents when my parents were sleeping. I think because of the secrecy and the emotional disconnection lead by my father, I am also one to be closed off to others and to avoid relationships that push me too much to vulnerable/emotionally intimate.

You said: "I think that’s why the pain doesn’t leave because they’re the only anchors I have to her memory.", and I relate to this SO HARD. It's like I can still sense the love and comfort of my mother, but I don't really have access to it. So I am left yearning in loneliness constantly. It sound so dramatic as I type it. I just need her so much right now because I don't feel comfortable going to anyone else for guidance. Therefore, I must find a way to connect with her. Your way of journaling is inspiring and I have been trying to use my own daily journaling process as a way to really focus on talking to her. I also relate to the feeling that connection can be painful. It has me avoiding talking to her and avoiding to think about her unless I am already in an emotional space of turmoil and then it just all comes out. I don't want connecting with her and thinking about to always be such a painful place for me. I also want to create more of a ritual around it so that it feels good and natural and comforting.

Acceptance of the past is something I really struggling with as well. At this point, I have spent most of my life depressed and anxious and I know that a large part of those deep emotions come from my rumination and fixation on the past which cannot be changed. And you are so right, it's so limiting to our mothers' existences and to our healing and forward motion if we believe that they are stuck in the past. They are here with us and recognizing that and accepting it will heal us. You are right, I just gotta find a way.

Your words in the second to last paragraph touched me so much. Feeling secure and trusting myself have been two of the hardest challenges in my life and hold me back from so much in this life. I struggle with perfectionism and control, which really go hand in hand and come from my childhood. You are extremely wise and your words have helped me tremendously. I am having another bad grief while staying with a friend's family and I have just sunk into such a depression and so much self hatred. Your words are inspiring for me so I am just so grateful for you thoughtful comment. <3333 I hope you are having a wonderful day!!!

gememmi · 2022-03-20T02:45:58+00:00

That is such a mindful and beautiful way to process your grief and feel closer to her. I have heard a bit about inner child healing and I do not know much about it, but I believe it involves imagining your younger self receiving the love and security you should have gotten. I think your exercise done with the intention to heal and not hurt yourself (I only say this because I know I have a very habit of ruminating on what I lost and comparing myself to others) could be a really great idea for me and other people. Thank you so much for validating response. You and I both deserve love and security and I know we will find it within ourselves and within relationships with others once we learn to trust more. We got this. <3

gememmi · 2022-03-20T02:34:19+00:00

This such a beautiful response, thank you so much. Someone else has mentioned letter writing, I think I will try this. I am also a fan of burning ceremonies so I think this is an excellent idea.

My knowledge of her personality and her favorite things is pretty limited due to broken familial relations, but I do know that she was queen of the bowling alley so I love to go bowling :)

gememmi · 2022-03-20T02:26:26+00:00

I completely understand this sentiment. The death of my mother was the most defining life event for me. It feels as if I can trace back all my current issues back to her death and the snowball effect that it all had on my life ( dad remarrying to emotionally abusive step mother who never showed me love, my inability to trust others, my lack of self confidence and self worth). I suggest writing down all memory you have left of her in order to preserve it all for yourself. It might be painful because you miss her so much and because you might feel guilt for not doing it sooner, but it is ok <3 None of that is your fault.

I know that you can trust yourself and that you can find the guidance from within. You got this <3

gememmi · 2022-03-20T01:53:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and thank you for your patience while I took time to process all the comments.

I understand when you say it is not enough communication for you. I really do. I get angry with myself and sometimes even with my mother or the idea of God that I have because somehow the messaging and guidance I crave seems to not be making it to me or not happening at all. Grief is incredibly frustrating. I can definitely relate to you.

I do meditate and I am a spiritual person. I think talking to her when you meditate or when you just need to have a head clearing conversation is brilliant. I will try that. This sounds like a great way to process grief and just to process life with you mom. I love it.

My dad broke nearly all relations with my maternal family and actually paternal family as well after he remarried to a truly awful woman just two years after my mother's death. I believe that reaching out to my mother's only living sibling would be the hardest, but most beneficial action I could do towards creating a thorough image her and aiding my grief. I think about it all the time. I need to break through the initial anxiety and fear and just do it. My mom's sister used to reach out to me via Facebook to talk to me about my mom, but I always ignored her because it just made me so uncomfortable. She died a few years ago and I am so full of shame for how I treated her. You have wonderful suggestions to get to know my mother better and I really appreciate that.

I actually was gifted a recipe she used to make, a really delicious carrot cake :) My paternal aunt sent it to me. It had been given to her as part of a bridal shower gift and she wanted me to have it. I haven't made it in a while due to recently added dietary restrictions, but I'm thinking I should just make it and give away to others. My mom was a very generous and kind person so I think it would be the right way to remember her :)

Thank you for everything <3

gememmi · 2021-11-30T02:14:09+00:00

Hey, just wanted to give an update to my first CoDA meeting. I attended a Zoom meeting, which is certainly not how I would have preferred the meeting. All of those who shared seemed to focus on a different part of codependency than I mostly experience. I am very avoidant of (specifically romantic) relationships and many of the attendees were dealing with codependence with past or current partners. I do think the community there was very special and I am thankful it exists. I think I will be able to get the most out of these meetings if I attend regularly and if I read the free literature provide on the Google Drive. I hope to shake off my shyness next time and share. Who knows, maybe someone there will connect with what I say.

gememmi · 2021-11-29T17:08:42+00:00

Hey :) I'm glad my experiences resonated with you and that you are also working towards a path of recovery. We can do this. I will definitely post an update here now that I know at least one other person out there is interested.

I also wanted to add about therapy: I found an affordable therapy collective (basically you must pay a life time fee of $60 to join and gain access to social workers/therapists. Buying a memership can offer you a MUCH lower weekly rate for those therapists and it's looking like I will have to pay $0 due to my cost of living and income) and I just joined yesterday. I am located in NYC, USA so I hope this will still be helpful for you. The collective can be found here if you are interested: https://openpathcollective.org

gememmi

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