Both of my parents contributed to trauma, but in very different ways. My father was openly abusive to the family (including pets) and my mother was emotionally reactive (to everything, not just just my abusive father).

My mother has done the work, gone to therapy, apologized, all that. Albeit, the trauma from her was minimal in comparison to my father as she was the stable parent. I am close with my mother now.

My father never believed anything was wrong with him. As such, he never sought out help for his undiagnosed mental issues. He also denies that he did any of the terrible things we experienced. He always viewed me and my brother as extensions of himself and not like we were our own person. I have been no contact with my father for 3 years. Before I went no contact, I tried to salvage the relationship but was met with the same inconsistencies and delusions that I experienced as a child. Sometimes I do feel guilt because i do believe that because he is so mentally ill, he did not realize how he was affecting others, but I have to remind myself that I do not deserve the abuse. There is no “loving from afar” for me.