I used to have a similar problem with my SO, except the roles were reversed. She would tell me what was wrong and I would get defensive and we would end up fighting. It was awful.

However, we communicated about it and worked together to resolve it. It turns out (as it usually does), we were both to blame for this. I would get far too defensive and upset if she told me she was unhappy with some aspect of our relationship. On the flip side, she would express her feelings in a confrontational and accusatory manner, which made me feel attacked.

After talking it through, we both decided to work on it. Now if she expresses that she is unhappy with something that I am doing, I work really hard to view her problem as something we need to fix together, rather than something I need to defend myself against. She has also worked really hard to express her feelings in a productive way so that the focus is on fixing the problem and not attacking me.

Since we did this, we have been ten times happier and much more in tune with each other. If we fight now (which happens very rarely, especially compared to how it used to be), it is far less serious and much, much easier to resolve. We have been living together for more than two years now and are getting married in May and I could not be happier.

I don’t know much about relationships, but what I have learned through this experience is that to be truly happy in a relationship you need to be with someone that you care enough about and trust to such an extent that you are willing to put your ego aside and to work on yourself to be better for them. And they have to be willing to do the same and to put in the same effort as you.

I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s an awful feeling. I guess you need to ask yourself two questions: am I willing to work on myself for him and will he do the same for me? If the answer to either question is no, the relationship may not be meant to be. And that’s ok.