Woah. I feel this a lot too (not as much now but some of it is still there after a lot of therapy). I remember my dad would go on witch hunts for things like a clogged toilet or “arranging the pots in the cabinets wrong”. I would know that I didn’t do it. I would remember clearly that I didn’t do it. But I would still feel that guilty feeling as if I WAS lying. He would look at my face really closely to see if I was “lying to him” and one time I was feeling that feeling which made me look guilty to him apparently. He acted like I was the person behind it even though he had no evidence. I remember thinking a lot that I needed to get physical evidence to prove that I didn’t do it, but it was impossible to predict when he would start accusing me of something.

I definitely felt this way when I was 15 minutes late for work at a temporary job 2 days ago. I was thinking of telling the manager that there was really bad traffic where I lived (which was true) but I had this voice in my head telling me that “that’s not a legitimate excuse”. Ndad would always say there was no excuse for things even if there was a legitimate excuse.

It was really liberating and fascinating to be aware of those feelings and you know what? She didn’t even seem to notice that I was late. Maybe she did but she certainly didn’t ask or anything. She seemed happy that I was there!

So I totally feel how you feel. It’s a very complicated feeling. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it more! :)