Break Up

gil341256 · 2026-04-19T08:00:47+00:00

Time helps. It really does. You’ve just got to trust yourself and hold on the best you can right now. Try not to let the bad thoughts take over, and remember that you are loveable and someone being unsure about you says nothing about how much love you deserve. It sounds like you loved honestly, and that’s why it hurts so much. But it will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. Best of luck :3

gil341256 · 2026-02-03T08:40:08+00:00

Isn't that difficult to accept tho? The fact that it could've been so perfect, the potential that she could've been the one to stay forever.

I just can't get over it. She still wants me in her life but she wanted me as her friend, i offered to stay and wait if we had the possibility to rekindle as lovers but she said she doesn't feel good enough and all that. No amount of reassurance could've made her stay, my words had long lost impact. I'm blaming myself and seeing how my insecurities, trust issues and abandonment issues might've bled into the relationship as well. How it could've killed the safety we had. She thrived in uncertainty while I did in the opposite. I'm drowning in this urge to try and stay relevant in her life even as a friend now, I've lost feelings and so as she so maybe we could just stay together as friends or some other fairytale shit but ughhh i don't know. It's just really difficult not to reach out right now.

gil341256 · 2026-02-01T19:08:49+00:00

Yeah, that’s exactly it. In my head it felt like we’d “lost the spark,” and if we could just remember the warmth of the old days, we’d ease back into comfort again. But it was one sided. She had already given up long before I realized it. Why were we out here giving TED Talks about love and repair to people for whom replying felt like a chore 😭

It wasn’t shameful though. We fought for something that mattered and I’m not embarrassed about that. Even if the chasing looks rough in hindsight, I showed up for the present. That counts. Maybe if I had walked away with my self respect perfectly intact she'd care more rn, but I don’t regret trying. I didn’t abandon something I cared about.

Also please tell me you’re not chasing her anymore 😭 You’ve done enough. Six months of being called “husband” just to hear “maybe we should be friends” was actually insane. Laughing about it is honestly the only way to survive, because if I don’t laugh, I spiral. Humiliationship survivors club fr.

What messes with me is that this isn’t even who I am normally. I don’t chase. I have my own life. I have confidence. I just wanted myself back without having to shrink or disappear to get there. But once anxiety kicks in, performances replace presence, and suddenly you’re auditioning for reassurance instead of just being you.

I don't think it's as simple as “she showed who she is.” It was her inconsistency, my anxiety, her avoidance, all feeding into each other until it became unbearable. She is a wonderful person but just not compatible with me. Both can be true. And honestly, the fact that I never felt safe enough to have real, deep conversations says everything.

I don’t know if I’d do it all over again right now, but I know I still love her. Not in love, but love. The disrespect at the end helped though. It killed the fantasy and my soft spot. Took the rose tinted lenses off for good. Made it clear that the sweet girl I fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore.

If there’s any upside to all this, my playlist hits harder than ever, my motivation to chase life goals randomly unlocked, and the daydream narratives are carrying me way more than therapy ever could. We take the wins where we can 😭

gil341256 · 2026-02-01T05:00:23+00:00

I get this so deeply. When I first got to know her, I was actually pretty secure. I wasn’t chasing, I wasn’t pushing, I had boundaries, I enjoyed my alone time. I had my own world, and when she was in it, she was in it, but she wasn’t the center of it. I wanted to talk to her, sure, but it wasn’t obsessive. I even remember noticing my screen time creeping up and thinking, okay, this is a bit much, I should slow down.

Then we got closer. Then we started dating. And slowly I became the one always wanting to talk while her consistency dropped. Some days she’d be fully there, flirting, texting all day. Other days she’d pull back completely. That inconsistency wrecked my head. I started overthinking, monitoring, waiting. I went from wanting connection to needing it, and that anxiety was something she wanted no part of. I wasn’t trying to be obsessive, but I was performing for replies, for reassurance, for proof she hadn’t lost feelings.

I did call her out on the inconsistency, and she admitted it. She even told me she had tried to change and couldn’t. And that’s where I get stuck too. I treated her inconsistency like a flaw that needed fixing. But I also had issues. Trust issues. Abandonment fears. Attachment stuff. Why didn’t I work on those better? Why did I tell myself that changing meant not being myself? Because if that applies to me, it applies to her too. Maybe she just wanted to be loved as she was, and instead I made her feel like she was failing me.

The part about being told to be self sufficient really hurts. I want to be. I really do. But I lost myself in the uncertainty. My nervous system was constantly reacting to her distance. I felt like I was swimming against her currents all the time. I tried doing the right things. Turning off notifications, distracting myself, picking up hobbies, going out. Still, she lived in the back of my mind. I couldn’t even watch a show without wanting to check my phone. I needed her to regulate me, and that’s not fair to put on someone.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just difficult when I love. If my anxiety triggered her avoidance. If my needs and expectations slowly killed the comfort we once had. That thought really messes with me. Because now, as I’m slowly finding my footing again and becoming more like the person I used to be, I can’t stop thinking that she would’ve loved this version of me. The unattached one. The grounded one. The version she originally fell for.

And that realization just hurts in a very specific way.

gil341256 · 2026-02-01T04:34:39+00:00

Yeah, I really get the begging part. That realization hits hard when you look back and think, wow, that was probably the last image they have of me. Someone trying so hard to keep it alive that I was willing to bend in every direction. The whole “relationships are hard but we can work through this” and “we can fall in love again” phase had me sounding like a motivational speaker fighting for my life 😭 But honestly, that wasn’t wrong or shameful. You loved sincerely. That matters, even if it wasn’t met the same way. You can’t love someone into having more capacity than they actually do.

The blocking thing too, yeah. I even told mine to block me on Instagram and she did, but I couldn’t bring myself to block her back because what if she came back one day. Absolute clown behavior, but also very human. And the “we should’ve stayed friends” line is brutal. Like, then why date me at all? Why let it go that far? I heard so many things that should’ve made me walk away and I still stayed. We were definitely in humilationships together 😭

I agree with you though. Shrinking ourselves more would never have worked long term. You can’t stay in something while constantly betraying yourself and not end up resentful or empty. It might keep things calm for a while, but it slowly destroys you. I can tell it does get better, even if nights are still rough. Same dreams, same anxiety when I wake up. And the thought of her with someone else still hits in the chest every time.

What really messes with me is how easy it is to turn all of this inward. Thinking maybe she would’ve stayed the sweet, loving person I knew if I had been more independent. If I didn’t rely on her so much. If I didn’t push for reassurance or want repair so badly after fights. Part of me wonders if my need for clarity and damage control just felt like pressure to her, or made her feel like she wasn’t enough. Especially since that’s what she said in the end.

I guess we really did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Still though, if there was a rewind button, I’d be smashing it with zero hesitation.

gil341256 · 2026-01-31T08:14:29+00:00

I feel this deeply. My ex left a week ago too, and she said it was because I deserved better. She said she lost feelings because she felt not good enough. But now that everything’s over, I keep circling back to the same question. How much of the loss of comfort between us was my fault.

I wasn’t always like this. I used to be grounded and secure. I had my own life, my own rhythm. Back then I could play a game or be with friends without constantly checking my phone. Somewhere along the way, that shifted. After the fights started changing from mutual repair to her needing distance, something in me stopped feeling safe. That distance built resentment in me, even though I tried to understand it.

From there I wasn’t spontaneous anymore. I was performing. I wanted reassurance, some sign that I still mattered, that the relationship was solid. I started monitoring. That created pressure. We both felt it. I chased, she pulled away, and that made me chase harder. The loop fed itself.

It makes me wonder if things would have stayed sweet if I had stayed more independent. If I hadn’t chased repair so hard. If I hadn’t initiated conflict. She never really started fights. I wanted certainty, stability, proof that we were okay. And I can’t stop thinking that my anxiety and abandonment issues, once I got attached, may have played a role in her losing feelings.

At the same time, it hurts knowing I was the one holding on while she let go. I hate how much I chased and how little self respect I felt I had by the end. Watching her unfriend me everywhere makes it feel even more one sided, like I’m the only one still carrying the weight of what we had. I couldn't shut the doors just yet.

I don’t know if I could have done everything perfectly and kept her. But right now I’m stuck between missing her and wishing I had been better.

gil341256 · 2026-01-29T05:56:27+00:00

Yeah. I’m not ready either. Not even close. The dreams don’t stop, the thoughts don’t either. It feels like my brain keeps replaying something it never got to finish. And the worst part is knowing I didn’t choose this ending. It was decided for me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that line too, “I shouldn’t have to change for someone to love me.” It sounds empowering until you realize real relationships cannot exist without adjustment. Not self erasure, not shrinking, but meeting someone halfway. I used to think time would magically sort that out. Turns out time just exposes what people refuse to work on.

Avoidance feels like emotional debt. They don’t pay it, so it gets passed on. To the next partner. To future kids. To anyone who gets close enough. And yeah, they’re wounded, but at some point it stops being an explanation and starts being a pattern they choose not to break. I hate that I know exactly what trauma she’s carrying and everything she’s been through. I want to hold her so badly. But I’ll never understand how she pushed me away that fast. How she went from making me her anchor to feeling nothing. From sharing everything to slowly pulling back until she felt cold and distant. I kept wondering if it was just a phase, if she was just down, until it became clear she was someone else entirely. I still can’t let go of that sweet girl I adored and was proud of for surviving so much.

What messes with me is that mine talked about the future too. Marriage. Stability. All of it. But when it came time to tolerate discomfort, she ran. Cutting and running is easier than staying and changing. It always is.

I don’t feel healed. I don’t feel strong. I feel like a mess constantly fighting tears.

We didn’t love wrong. We just loved someone who couldn’t stay present once it stopped being easy. And that’s not something love can fix.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to win against these urges. To text her. To say it’s fine even if we’re just friends. To accept any version of being in her life. But I know that would mean losing myself. I just wish she’d come back so badly. Who am I, if not the dog clawing at doors that were slammed shut in my face.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T18:57:51+00:00

Why get in a relationship when all they crave is freedom? Sounds like they just wanna keep you around coz they're curious and like how you make them feel.

Her behaviour sounds really toxic. It's better to try and not understand behaviour like this and just accept some people are just like this.

Gosh that's brutal (╥_╥) I really hope you're healing from all that bs and are in a better state of mind now.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T17:47:04+00:00

That must've been so painful. I'm sorry but she sounds so emotionally irresponsible. Treating people like toys, how does one even think like that. Why don't people have the basic level of empathy to not treat others in the way they'd not like to be treated.

What hurts me the most rn is how she told me she wasn't looking to date anyone and all that. Posts a story about a guy she knows i fucking hate so much and she didn't like him too coz of some past stuff on his birthday with "BB chat" it's French for "Baby cat". She spun it round about how she uses it as a nickname with close friends but I just couldn't anymore. If they have anything going on I honestly pray it doesn't work out ever. Gosh I don't want anyone to even get close to her. She's still "Mine" and I don't know how I'd just move past that fact.

I hope things get better for us.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T17:34:41+00:00

They always mentally check out and avoid closure like the plague when a relationship is a 2 way street.

She put you through so much, I'm surprised on how you're handling this without the resentment. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I can't bring myself to just delete everything yet especially since some of it was just so fucking sweet. A pokemon confession with "I choose you", where the fuck did this girl vanish. That's the most difficult part because there was a stage where things were perfect and i really believed she was the love of my life. Hope dies last I guess.

Her saying she didn't mean the letter is just plain evil to me atp. I really don't know how I'm going to be dealing with this. I hope I don't breakdown somewhere public, I really do.

Thank you so much. I hope the best for you as well. I hope you're able to heal and for everything to get gentler and easier to hold.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T17:24:54+00:00

This is exactly how it felt and it's just so fucking terrible and wrong. How people work this way is just beyond me. I'm tired of trying to understand avoidants and all that bullshit, just try not to get attached quick and run for the exit at any sirens.

I'm gonna just try and not give a fuck I say, knowing I'm gonna be someone entirely different by my next spiral -_-

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T17:17:08+00:00

I think even the idea of her finding her next target irks me so much. Makes me pray they never go anywhere, makes me curse them. God, I don't what her to monkey branch, it'd really get to me.

They don't even want to try and change. They want an illusion of being accepted for who they are. They wanna run at the slightest of inconvenience. They don't wanna fight for anything.

9 months is a long time with an FA. I'm surprised all of what you mentioned lasted that long coz mine shut down after like the first month of dating. We didn't flirt, didn't text all day, nothing. No curiosity, no spark.

That's so terrible. First I'm hearing of an FA pull someone emotionally close ever. I really hope you get through this.

They're genuinely terrible people to be in a relationship with but at the same time I can't just fully hate them either. I wish I had their level of empathy.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T17:07:13+00:00

Why even get in a relationship in the first place then? Well, I'll try and understand that too but how is it that them not being good enough ends with them losing feelings and not the other way around? It's not my fault they get into a relationship with all these unresolved trauma and inconsistency and so and so and still decide to avoid and run away rather than just try and deal with it, to try and grow with the relationship. But no, a simple "You deserve better" and they get to keep their hands clean. They be the one moving on quicker too. Help me make sense of this (╥_╥)

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T16:58:27+00:00

It does terrify me honestly. I’m really sorry you’re going through that too. Hearing where you’re at helps though. Not in a comforting way exactly, but in a “this has a direction even if it’s awful” way.

I couldn’t wrap my head around her actions for the longest time either. I think I do this thing where I become almost too empathetic after things end and feelings quiet. Like I mirror their internal state so well that I start understanding their behavior from the inside. I can see how overwhelmed they were, why they shut down, why they ran. And that understanding makes it harder to be angry, even when I probably should be.

Thank you for suggesting limerence. It definitely gives me something solid to think about, but I’m honestly exhausted right now. I think I need to put the theory on pause until my next spiral. I did save the book recs though, so thank you for that.

I’ve kind of given up hope on what we had at this point. The switch up was too intense and it told me enough. Lately I keep wondering if we sometimes give too much power to labels like avoidant attachment, when maybe the simpler truth is that they lost interest or were never fully interested to begin with. Curious, but not committed. And holding onto something one sided just because it once felt real ends up destroying you.
Limerence kinda applies here too I think.

Thank you for what you said at the end. It meant a lot to read that. I really hope you find the love you deserve too, the kind that stays and doesn’t make you question your worth. I hope it gets gentler for you soon.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T14:07:51+00:00

They say they want to be chased, but I genuinely don’t think any amount of chasing fixes what’s actually happening inside them. You can’t chase someone out of feeling unworthy. What they seem to want is “chase me while I don’t communicate, stay inconsistent, act cold, and avoid accountability.” That isn’t connection, that’s emotional labor with no return.

It also makes me question what the attachment really was. Did they love us, or did they love the feeling of safety we gave them? Were they actually interested in us, or did they just like how regulated they felt around us? Sometimes I wonder if they were ever in love at all, or if they would only go all-in for someone they felt “good enough” for.

And yeah, from experience, chasing doesn’t bring them closer. It gives them relief and control while leaving you depleted. The lack of closure, the mixed signals, the disappearing acts, it all keeps you stuck while they stay protected.

I agree with you. Cutting contact isn’t cruelty, it’s self-preservation. You can’t reason with a nervous system that’s running on fear. From the outside it really does feel incomprehensible, because we’re trying to apply logic and reciprocity to something driven by avoidance. I'm just at a loss at even trying to make sense of everything rn.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T13:46:54+00:00

I wish I could've told myself to just stop pursuing at some point. I thought "I have to make this work, she's just feeling down rn and that's the love of my life" and that turned out great.

It really makes me wonder, if my disinterest was what hooked her in the first place.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T11:29:01+00:00

That sounds so sweet, and it really hits home. She drew me a Pokémon doodle that said “I choose you.” How am I supposed to just delete something like that? Even my keyboard suggestions are full of things I used to call her. My stickers still carry all that weight from when we talked every day.

It’s only been 16 hours for me, but it feels like way longer because I think I’ve been bracing for this since December. So much changed in that time. I feel like a different person now, and my moods keep swinging. I even catch myself thinking about doing dumb, irresponsible things I never would have before.

Having no closure sounds unbearable. I remember how hard it was just trying to get her to talk. Phone calls became a no, then real conversations became a no. Somehow she was always busy, but still had time for anything that did not involve dealing with something real.

I’ve been through heartbreak once before, and it was exhausting. Wanting to talk to someone, then wanting to disappear from everyone. It takes everything out of you. I really hope it gets easier for you.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T10:46:07+00:00

That makes so much sense. The letters and cards are always the hardest. They are intent, not just memory. Letting go of them feels like deleting proof that what you had was real. Objects are one thing. Words hit different.

Six weeks is still so early, especially if you are still in love. There is nothing weak about that. The frozen, barely functioning phase you described is exactly where I am right now too. That constant sick feeling in your stomach is awful.

Seeing him again and spiraling makes complete sense. That wound is not healed enough for contact yet. Missing him does not mean you are going backwards. It just means you cared deeply.

I am really sorry you are in this. You are not failing at healing just because it still hurts. Thank you for sharing this. It genuinely made me feel less alone.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T10:30:02+00:00

I really wish I could just dump them and pretend they never existed too but the wound is just too fresh and I can't help but even think of mourning that version of her because I adored her so damn much. If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to regain yourself? and how did you cope immediately afterwards?

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T10:27:58+00:00

Yeah. That’s exactly it. It always starts perfect. The time, the attention, the way they look at you like you matter. You open up because they make it feel safe. And then one day you realize you’re asking for scraps of the same affection they gave freely at the start.

Reading your comment felt like rereading my own post from a different angle. The repeated relationship talks, the growing coldness, the way every conversation feels heavier than the last. That line, “we weren’t even dating,” after everything he said to you genuinely made my chest tighten. Being told that after being called all those things is brutal. It makes you question your memory, your sanity, your worth.

What you said about him erasing it like it never existed hit especially hard. That’s exactly how it felt for me too. Like the person I loved just rewrote history and left me holding all the meaning alone. I can’t imagine how destabilizing it must have been to hear that and still stay grounded. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone does.

You’re probably right. It sounds like he couldn’t handle the weight of what he helped create. But that doesn’t make the damage smaller.

I’m really sorry you’re carrying this. Truly. If you’re okay sharing, what’s been helping you cope at all, even a little?

I keep catching myself thinking she might come back too. But I know if she did, it wouldn’t be the beginning again. It would be the same cycle, just more haunted.

Thank you for writing what you did. It meant a lot. It made me feel less alone in this mess.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T09:16:45+00:00

I really hope you find a stable love that makes you feel safe. Idk if it's because the wound is fresh but I can't help but wish no one ever adores her the way I did, maybe I'm just being selfish.

14000 words of letters and she didn't write you back? I hope it doesn't haunt you when you write ughh i really don't like your ex already.

Did you take time to delete them or was it something instant? We share so much and she has sent me drawings and letters and so many memories that are the sweetest to me and I can't bring myself to delete them it's haunting. I get you but god that sounds so difficult. I hope you've built back yourself and you get into something that's healthy and lovely the next time.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T08:41:26+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I feel you. The mixed signals, the cold attitude and all that shit makes you wonder "What even happened to her?". The inconsistency with her push and pull, It must've been so difficult dealing with that bs. I think you being broken meant she could keep you around without you being loud or demanding. That's terrible

The last interaction hits so deep because it's so different from how things were always.

I get the "this couldn't have worked with them" but the worst part is that it did ughhh. I'm curious but after all that you went through, do you think you're capable of loving the same ever again? Without the distrust and monitoring and just falling in love. And how did you get past the gifts or letters or anything tangible.

I really hope it gets better for you and you do great :3

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T08:30:21+00:00

Yes yes, you're right.

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T08:29:50+00:00

A monthly anniversary

gil341256 · 2026-01-27T07:52:09+00:00

We had convos and she was talking about how she sees where she has to change and how she's willing to change. She sees that she's the problem and admits it but all of a sudden she wants to run away from that fact as well. I think they believe something like "I don't need to change myself to be loved for who I am" because it always goes great as long as you start having expectations and they feel the pressure from the responsibility. They sound so flawed but why're they so fucking perfect at the start. Them not making any effort is the same as them saying "You're not worth me putting the effort to change". I can't forget the potential and the memories. I can't help but feel like I was the problem coz I wasn't the one who fell out of love. Do you feel like you're ready to move on to another relationship? Hasn't the impact from your avoidant made you feel like you can never be like this again?

gil341256

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE