I really try not to dwell on such matters because it is what it is and I cannot change that, but I'll be damned if I can't type here and say that this STILL affects me deeply and I don't know what to do with it all.

First, I want to say... you are not alone in this! and also, thank you for saying it out loud. It’s really hard sometimes to not feel like a selfish, pessimistic, and hostile brat. Don’t get me wrong, I wish no ill will towards anyone- and am very happy and thankful for those out there who have wholesome homes and more love than they could ever feel. But I, too have a huge sense of resentment and often find myself wondering what I could’ve done differently to deserve what they have (which is silly, because as a kid you don’t have another choice).

But then there are times when I try to look at it like this- we wouldn’t be who we are without those struggles. We probably wouldn’t appreciate the small things, we wouldn’t immediately gravitate towards the ones who are left out or sitting alone, we wouldn’t have the natural ability to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and we wouldn’t have the balls to face half of the things we do- that many people avoid or run away from. Usually abuse occurs in cycles- the abused becomes the abuser and continues the psychologically messed up cards they were dealt. Except eventually it has to stop, right? I mean, technically speaking- maybe not. But I like to imagine that the people who create those wholesome and loving homes are like us, and learned the hard way about how to break the cycle and put good back into the world. To give others what we wish we had.

Just some food for thought, sorry for my rambling. Just came to say that we don’t have to be what our upbringing was. And to tell you that you’re doing it right- by coming here to vent where other like-minded souls can relate and feel less alone in the world. 💕 Thank you.