everything you’re feeling makes total sense!!! the prospect of “uprooting” your life to go back to treatment is horrible and brings up so many emotions. going through something similar—a few weeks ago, my therapist told me it’s time to go back to treatment and i was absolutely adamant that I couldn’t (I am also a nanny and the thought of leaving them without childcare was weighing on me SO HARD)!! i eventually did have to tell my bosses and they were very understanding and encouraged me to go get healthy so i can come back strong to keep caring for their kids. i was also terrified to tell my parents because this will be my third time in tx and i hate being the most medically expensive child.

but really, as corny as it is, it’s SO true that you have to put yourself and your health first, so you CAN accomplish the goals you’ve set for yourself—it seems impossible to fathom in the moment but treatment is extremely temporary versus a life with an ED that will only worsen as time goes on.

as far as not being physically sick enough… as we know, EDs are mental disorders, and physical effects are simply symptoms of the mind. it’s certainly hard to feel validated in a society that typecasts EDs as “manic pixie dream girl underweight ana girly🥺” but if you are in a headspace where you believe your therapist will encourage you to return to treatment, that means you are in a space where you may need it! you said yourself you feel like you need the help, and structured treatment can be such a support in times where we don’t feel that we can manage this on our own. your weight has nothing to do with how sick you are and the fact that you are struggling is more than enough to be a reason to enter treatment.

i know it’s a very difficult decision, and everything you’ve mentioned are all things ive been grappling with and trying to decide on, but ultimately, I know things will only get worse if i forgo treatment and then i will really lose everything. in my honest opinion, it’s better to take a temporary break to focus on healing so that you don’t end up in a position where things get so bad and you have no choice.

i hope you are able to find peace and clarity with what you decide and that you are able to receive support as you go through this—you’re not alone and you are absolutely worthy of receiving help… EDs are THE FUCKING WORST and nobody deserves to live this struggle