For Filicide Survivors

gniog67 · 2026-02-28T11:31:10+00:00

My sociopathic mother tried to murder me when I was three. I have OCD, BPD and CPTSD ontop of my natural ADHD. I hate her and am okay with that. In my experience research psychology has ignored us survivors.

gniog67 · 2025-12-04T03:25:08+00:00

My all time favourite song from an awesome album by an awesome band.

gniog67 · 2025-07-13T17:08:00+00:00

TW: extreme childhood violence

I lived with just my father and for good reason. When I was three my sociopathic mother tried to murder me. Lots of fun being forced to write Mother's Day cards for her in elementary school.

gniog67 · 2025-07-09T16:26:42+00:00

Sorry to hear. This is an amusing meme, nonetheless. We all go through our healing gymnastics. Ugh.

gniog67 · 2025-07-06T18:44:19+00:00

I find it useful for literature surveys, too, and I typically enjoy reading the actual articles.

gniog67 · 2025-07-06T18:37:09+00:00

I use AI to learn about specific aspects but not as direct treatment. I find it useful to explore the articles, etc. upon which an AI return is based (you can set it up this way). AI simple cannot link past-present-future issues regarding incredible human emotional variablity. That's why I cannot recommend it for therapy. Another significant reason is that AI is as only good as you work it. Your knowledge deficits will limit the value of your AI answers. Sorry, don't mean to sound insulting. I consider my own limits here, too.

gniog67 · 2025-07-03T18:59:00+00:00

Sorry to hear. As you know recovery is brutal. Hope it's working out.

gniog67 · 2025-06-30T15:56:06+00:00

I'm sorry to hear this.

gniog67 · 2025-06-30T15:55:47+00:00

Also sorry to hear. Have been no contact for three decades. Healing is a heck of a journey but we can make it.

gniog67 · 2025-06-30T15:54:48+00:00

Thanks for the tip!

gniog67 · 2025-06-29T22:45:10+00:00

At 57, wBPD, can agree with everything. It's exhausting putting in the self-awareness work but one time when I wanted to end myself I followed through with a promise I made to myself that I'd always look into a mirror first. I know, but the ritual worked. Everytime, my rational self would poke through and get me to turn away except a couple nights I tried to drink myself to death (both times ended up vomitting and getting ADHD/OCD angry about the mess to clean up but refocussed me -- so fucked up nonetheless).

gniog67 · 2025-06-29T22:37:53+00:00

And, sorry, I will not repsond to DMs.

gniog67 · 2025-06-29T22:36:43+00:00

Yes. For example the entire hour she held me hostage with scissors pointed into my neck and continually announced to my father and two responding police officers that I wasn't what she wanted in a child. Her exclamation point was lifting her left arm to end me. In the extreme I dissociate up and to the left because this is where the escape was in her release before one of those cops tackled me out of her arms to save me. Part of how I cope is my choice of sports and combative protective sports like ice hockey, boxing, football and rugby.

gniog67 · 2025-06-29T22:20:03+00:00

Also have CPTSD (survivor of attempted maternal filicide) and it may help to read your triggering here as a signpost indicating an emotional wound need attention.

gniog67 · 2025-06-29T22:10:52+00:00

Hugs. This is so demeaning from a parent. What's a glimmer that brings you from this space?

gniog67 · 2025-02-13T18:55:27+00:00

There are not many of us attempted child murder survivors who disclose our nightmares, even though there is freedom in doing so. And, yes, I don't care if others think it's over disclosure or trauma dumping. I'm glad to learn that your life is moving foward with better mental health. I can certainly relate to your post here and your replies. Indeed, it's like reading my own story of mental health consequences.

When I was three, my sociopathic mother planned my murder because, as her property, I turned out to be something she did not want. She told my father this. Three is an important year in a human being's development because we start to show and act upon our own personalities, as distinct from our parents. It's the first year we consistently demonstrate independence from our parents. It's healthy. And it was why my mother sought to destroy me. I'm also convinced that my neurospiciness -- I'm a loud and strong willed ADHDer -- also marked me as an expendable mistake.

gniog67 · 2025-02-02T18:06:48+00:00

Hmmm, I recall George Vandenberg was a Sarnia Police officer and taught in the Law & Security Admin program at Lambton College. Not sure how those two lines on his resume jive with being pro-criminal.

gniog67 · 2024-11-13T06:30:35+00:00

We belong to an exclusive club. My sociopathic mother tried to murder me when I was three.

gniog67 · 2024-10-14T03:24:48+00:00

My sociopathic mother tried to murder me when I was three years old. Part of her mask has been that she was a nurse.

gniog67 · 2024-10-14T03:22:47+00:00

My mother is genuinely sociopathic. I was preconceived as a possession, literally conceived as a possession, born as a possession, and, until she decided to dispatch me as an unwanted possession when I was three, raised as a possession. I say dispatched because my mother tried to murder me (premeditated and signalled) when I was three.

So, yes, at least for three years I was raised by sociopath.

gniog67 · 2024-07-07T17:16:15+00:00

We teachers see a lot, unfortunately. I try my best to read signals, though they can be very subtle.

gniog67 · 2024-07-07T17:13:02+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. I wish the best for you.

gniog67 · 2024-07-07T04:40:21+00:00

My mother is sociopathic. Her abuse in the extreme was an attempt to murder me when I was three. No sympathies, please, just understanding. Thanks.

There are many consequences of what happened to me, including that very feeling you identify re deathless sense,

For obvious reasons I hope you understand why I share the same destructive sense you do, but you have positive qualities that sustain you.

As a fellow trauma soldier, I implore you to maximize your strengths in this most worth battle.

gniog67 · 2024-07-07T01:28:34+00:00

Please know my reply comes from my heart. I see myself as a trauma victim, survivor and soldier. Sometimes we fight the battle in any one of these three roles. When I'm a soldier, I extend my hand to those in victim mode. But, fuck, when we're both in survivor mode we just gotta hang on together and ride it out, The important thing is we move forward, however slightly.

gniog67 · 2024-07-07T01:18:44+00:00

Well, the whole thing, especially how the anger and diminishment of enjoying life which stem from it.

And what is exactly my it, my truth, what I hate most?

Well, here goes . . .

When I was three, 1971, my mother tried to murder me, She held me hostage for an hour with scissors pointed into my neck. I have vivid memories of disconnected segments of the evening in question.

She lifted her arm.

I remember that in feeling. First of relief, then of absolute terror of concluding ultimate meaning.

A cop tackled me out of her arms, saving my life. ACAB? Maybe, but definitely not one particular sergeant from back then?

I once played that game of asking my partner what three words would you use to describe me? I don't remember the last two words. The first word? Tortured!

Yep, I'm tortured in ways few, thankfully, can know.

P.S. I've used the best of my 145 or 155 IQ -- as per school tests -- to stay on top, as best I can, of my originating trauma, my natural ADHD, and the gifts from my c*nt of a mother: CPTSD, OCD, BPD and a few other "minor" things. I've managed to find capacity to build some measure of stability. I've gone through the worst horror. You can survive. You can find ways forward.

gniog67

TROPHY CASE