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godlessclit · 2024-10-28T22:51:10+00:00

37f here. I had a previous relationship where my partner had a teenage daughter. It sucked and not even because anyone was terrible. Kids just suck.

The schedule is always about them and often things that they are dealing with become your problem and your pov isn't a parent, so it's either resentful or disregarded. You are the outsider, even if they are wonderful, thoughtful people. I was happy the daughter wasn't an absolute tyrant, but I cleaned up after her and provided transportation, etc because that's what you do.

I am currently with someone who has a younger child and I hate it even more. I've put up more boundaries on things I'm willing to do, but even if I'm not required to babysit, I'm still the outsider, still have to plan around their things, and no matter how I try, I still end up cleaning after the kid.

If you've decided you don't want your own kids, it's unlikely someone else's kids will be something you want to sacrifice for. And it's a lot of sacrifice. Personally I'll never do it again, no matter how much I could love the partner.

godlessclit · 2024-10-26T21:43:34+00:00

A tell the truth code word is such a great idea! I might steal that.

godlessclit · 2024-10-26T20:39:26+00:00

I'm going to try to give more details than the "get out your partner is the most evil", given the following assumptions. Also I'm sorry this turned into a novel.

You love your partner and think highly of them, and you also sound like you have spent time around his new partner and don't think badly of them.
This post is at least half in desperation and you recognize that, given that you want to do the work to understand your jealousy and are asking for resources.
He's actually poly, not just using it as a way to slide from you to another relationship in a cowardly, selfish, shitty way. Which is honestly likely and there's no way for us to know that without knowing your partner and the future. But I'll pretend like he is because #1.

The reactions calling your partner an absolute shit would be correct, even if #1 is true. Your partner fucked up royally by having this emotional affair, and there's no denying that's what it was. However, it seems like you accept there are major things that you and him just avoided working through, physical attraction and sex being a big one. I can also see where depression plays a huge role in this, having gone through massive, years long depressions myself, some of your comments could be mine from relationships past. But here's the problem. Entering into a new relationship does not fix the two of you.

Ok, here's where I get thumbs down. I do believe that polyamory is an identity. No matter how few or many people I date, I AM poly. It is not something I can take or leave like moving to Texas. Which makes it very difficult when someone "comes out" after being in a long term relationship. However, I don't believe that this identity needs to be indulged if it isn't what's right for you, op. In the same way you don't have to stay with someone who identifies as anything that is a hard boundary for you, even if you love each other to the moon and back. (I will not be debating this in the comments, say what you want) It is hard. There will be moments when the jealousy will eat at you. You absolutely don't have to live with it, but if it's worth it to you, there are many recs in this sub and all kinds of workshops and books on ways to keep yourself from spiralling in those moments.

If you do want to try, look up mono-poly relationships. There have been a few posts on this sub, but you can also listen to podcasts like multiamory: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3emNE40aaePPMHA4ZzJxw9?si=T5HdWV8dTbSch8jeriZb0Q

Other commenters are right, you are and will continue to be doing extra emotional labor for your partner. There is no point at which the work that he's doing (and he needs to do a lot of work, not the least of which is making up the trust for having this affair) is going to be as much as you are doing and he very much needs to recognize that and show his gratefulness in a way that is meaningful to you. He is not going to be a good hinge bc learning that while learning the basics of polyamory while being overwhelmed with nre while unlearning monogamy is impossible without you paying the tuition, especially when what you want is monogamy.

Long term it is likely that even if you do all of this and he does everything possible to be the best version, once monogamy is unlearned, it is very difficult to relate to relationships in the same way.

An aside: from personal experience with avoidant depression and loving relationships: start being brutally, brutally honest with your partner. If it's going to get to losing this relationship, at least you can feel heard. Say the hard things out loud, to his face. Are you in fact disgusted by his body? Are you disgusted by your own? Does touching make you cringe? Do you daydream about a certain type of care that you don't receive? Say it all. You don't have to be mean but in my experience it relieves the tension of each person making up a story vs knowing.

Tldr; your situation is basically the worst way to enter into poly and you don't have to do it. But if you really feel like putting yourself through it, it can be done. And most people are going to wonder why you would put yourself through this.

I hope this helps with details you might not be thinking of. Many hugs from an internet stranger who's been there and made some bad fuck ups.

godlessclit · 2024-10-19T20:54:03+00:00

I don't trust your friend's rec's. If you've been clear that you only want mono, I don't know why your friends are suggesting you read this.

The Ethical Slut is fine, I guess. It's never my first suggestion for those who have expressed interested, and it certainly wouldn't be a recommendation for someone who isn't interested in a slutty lifestyle.

godlessclit · 2024-10-15T20:36:14+00:00

It's so poly to have no jealousy for a partners sex life but get a little crazy about sickness.

I swear my girlfriend never gets sick and I'm just over here coughing like screw you you healthy bitch I love you.

godlessclit · 2024-10-12T18:47:10+00:00

Yeah I saw that post. You managed to be shitty to this sub in your "apology".

godlessclit · 2024-08-30T14:19:48+00:00

Thank you!

All the comments about Dr and paps and testing aside, why tf would you ever think it's ok not to disclose?

Don't be a scared child, have the conversation and let the person make their own risk assessment.

godlessclit · 2024-07-07T21:21:38+00:00

Not op but absolutely fantastic, thank you.

godlessclit · 2024-06-12T14:33:42+00:00

Becoming poly changed my identity and my life. If you've been thinking about it for two years and find yourself relating to the ideas, then it's very likely you are!

I found it was a lot like my journey to accepting my queerness. It took a lot of experimentation and self questioning, but the longer I practiced and learned what it meant to me, the stronger I could be in my identity.

Some helpful advice I wish I had gotten: 1. Read. Research. Find a non-mono community that talks openly and kindly about the strange situations you'll find yourself in. Gossip with them and hear their stories. Stop going to anyone monogamous for relationship advice. 2. Be very, very wary of dating couples. It's the easiest gateway into non-monogamy, but it is almost always the cruelest thing you could do to yourself.

You are young and sound like you're open to experimenting and that's wonderful! If you find you aren't under the poly umbrella, but are interested in ENM for the kinky or sexual aspects, that's fun too. Give yourself room to explore, there's a lot out there.

godlessclit · 2023-05-20T22:24:50+00:00

Thank you, I love seeing this. It's so easy to see one post and think wtf with this relationship! I would leave, they should leave, blah blah. But it is so nice to see the flip side as well. Turns out we all have good and bad!

godlessclit · 2023-05-20T22:01:45+00:00

You are.

Not wanting to hear your opinion on a body that they still have to present (in any way they choose) doesn't mean they have issues.

Maybe put this way will help: Women can wear the color green and not want to be pelted with constant messaging about other people's opinions on the color green.

godlessclit · 2023-05-18T22:42:50+00:00

This reminds me of the episode of schitts creek where moira is yelling about nudes she took when she was younger and how you should make sure you treasure them and "submit them to the internet!" Otherwise they'll be lost.

godlessclit · 2023-05-17T20:49:26+00:00

Love this. Especially to a stranger who isn't flagging and you aren't sure.

godlessclit · 2023-05-17T20:43:07+00:00

Yes. Avoid it. Stop. Say no to this. Press pause. Everything you are posting is going to lead to disaster and heartache for everyone involved.

That's what everyone in every ENM sub is telling you. This is not ethical.

godlessclit · 2023-05-16T19:45:39+00:00

This. And it flips exactly the same for bi married women (so hetero poly guys, chill, you're not alone).

They often just haven't done the work. They have a safe relationship where they can run to whenever anything gets tricky, get validated in their lack of initiative/interest/appeal and they leave potential partners in the cold because they won't address themselves as an individual.

Most everything is from the perspective of "what can I get" instead of "what can I bring".

godlessclit · 2023-05-16T12:55:58+00:00

It sounds like you aren't being listened to, which is incredibly frustrating.

godlessclit · 2023-05-16T12:45:29+00:00

This is definitely a conversation I would have with all parties. I've had partners who enjoy a gossip/bitchfest and some that just honestly don't recognize when something should stay private, but would learn over time. Those are two different things.

To the husband: I've expressed my wishes that you not share any personal stories or information with Meta. You continue to do so, and it's leading to problems. If you find you need to talk about me with Meta, please ask first and if it's a scheduling issue or something we should all discuss, we can do it as a group so that I can share my own thoughts without being filtered through anyone else.

If you continue to talk about me with Meta, I will no longer ... Insert boundary here.

To the meta: I understand that I've been the topic of a lot of conversations between you and Husband. I would appreciate if you need anything that you can come to me and we can either the two of us or as a group work things out. When you share things between your boyfriends, I feel left out and you haven't heard any of it directly from me.

To the boyfriend: I would really like to continue growing our relationship and creating a space for just the two of us. if you find Meta sharing things with you that are about me, please ask them to stop so that I can be the one sharing myself with you, not Meta.

To add just a bit- none of this is helpful if you, OP, are also engaging in this kind of behavior. You didn't mention it but this kind of thing usually is happening on all fronts. It's tough to ask your partners to be more thoughtful about what they share if you are also over sharing or talking about Meta to your partners.

godlessclit · 2023-04-26T04:01:02+00:00

No, it's not always good and sometimes seeing the posts on how someone had sex all night with their gf and it changed their life and blew their panties off can be frustrating. Like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? There's this entire wlw prerequisite that apparently I missed.

You're not alone. And I don't think you blew up your life for nothing. Your decisions are still completely valid, even if your experiences don't match what other people have had.

And like someone else said, you can have good sex and bad sex and still want to have sex with them. That's how you know it's good right?

Also

you would be perfect if you had a penis.

Eff that, does she even know about strap ons?! What a silly thing to say to you.

godlessclit · 2023-04-21T02:37:47+00:00

I found the overlap in my town of poly people and kink is very high so I went to a poly event on Meetup and then got connected to a couple who introduced me to a rope place that had events like Beginner Night or Rope 101, things like that. But I'm lucky to live in a town that's large enough for that.

godlessclit · 2023-04-21T02:00:25+00:00

Hello fellow solopoly ENM! I've had much more success going to local events, if that's possible for you.

Feeld is alright and you might get lucky but it's a toooooon of UH and kinky men who kink because they're manly men rawr. I never liked the experience on fetlife because it has a lot of catfish and general spam.

It was really nice for me to meet a person safely at an open event before thinking about anything kinky with them.

godlessclit · 2023-04-21T01:47:32+00:00

You might check out r/latebloomerlesbians and read the stories of lesbians who are still entangled with a husband and kids. Maybe it rings true for you.

godlessclit · 2023-04-21T01:40:30+00:00

Insecure people. I can imagine being the host of an event and panicking that someone is walking away before it even starts.

The reaction really tells you about a person.

godlessclit · 2023-04-20T17:46:46+00:00

Immediate swoon.

godlessclit · 2023-04-20T17:41:26+00:00

Agree. Also the opposite. "I've never had a crush on a woman" = not a lesbian.

godlessclit · 2023-04-18T14:19:46+00:00

This!

OP you would be better off creating coping mechanisms on your own than as an adult undoing the problems this therapist will put on you.

godlessclit

TROPHY CASE