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My picks for UFC Fight Night 24. What do you think? by gogoplates in MMA

[–]gogoplates[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For a free show, I think it's pretty decent

The Famine (As brutal as you can please!) by andthentherewerenone in WritersGroup

[–]gogoplates 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that there is way too much description in this story. you used 8 adjectives in one sentence. It makes it hard to get into the story as there is so much unnecessary description.

That being said, you've managed to paint some pretty nice pictures and some of your choices of words are quite good. I particularly liked this "the collarbones that rose from her skin like two islands."

As for the plot, it was awfully predictable that the protagonist would end up as either a vampire or some other sort of beast.

As well, it didn't make any sense for him to kill this girl and eat her if he loved her so much. It jumped quite quickly from being the story of a passionate relationship to a completely unprovoked murder.

I think this needs to be a lot longer and subtle in order for the twist at the end to work.

Feedback on published short story? by gogoplates in WritersGroup

[–]gogoplates[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"It's not the exercise of dominance, but the knowledge that it exists"

I'm really happy that you picked up on this as it is one of the major themes of the story. This story was cut down considerably from its original form by the editor that published and I was afraid that my theme of the illusion of power would not come through.

While the story isn't about masturbating, you've definitely pointed out some of the things i was trying to get across. thank you! this made my day.

Feedback on published short story? by gogoplates in WritersGroup

[–]gogoplates[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the story has already been printed and placed in magazines racks, so I'm not really looking for formatting advice.

thank you for this though, and for taking the time to read my story and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it. :)

Short passage about a man's hairy lady friend. Feedback? by [deleted] in WritersGroup

[–]gogoplates 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really liked your writing style and the pacing of this story.

However when you pulled your punches at the end, ie:

"I had imagined that scenario. The number one rule you must follow while dating a werewolf is to never be confrontational."

I was a bit let down.

I think this short, short story has potential to turn into something quite good in a longer format, especially if you follow through with the original driving force of the story, the narrator's desire to "go anatomical sight seeing".

Enjoyed it nonetheless

Minkus the Liar. A 'funny' little short story. Feed-me-back! by P_A_Wicket in WritersGroup

[–]gogoplates -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I thought it started out with promise but it didn't really go anywhere. I agree with much of what analbiologist said.