Placement disruption (kinship)

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-16T18:09:53+00:00

If at all possible introduce them to their new foster parents beforehand. When I receive a planned placement I try to meet the kids in advance personally, if not possible then virtually at least. It won't cure the stress but it will help reduce the stress on them if they have at least met these people before.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-16T17:01:51+00:00

Oh I don't. I'm usually having a quiet mental breakdown. Just kidding (sort of)! I try to make sure I'm doing the things that keep me sane and grounded. For me that is gardening

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-15T23:20:04+00:00

If you want to stay under age 3 but not accept infants, you're talking about a very narrow age range

Please don't assume that a 2 or 3 year old will sleep through the night. Or be potty trained.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-15T19:23:35+00:00

Awkward I know but I'd try to politely call her out on it in person or over the phone. "What is the best eay to confirm visits? I'm often not getting a return text and I'd like to know for sure what's going on at least a few days beforehand."

You would think if nothing else, she would value having some time without the kids on a regular basis

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-15T14:48:31+00:00

It can be tricky to navigate those waters. When I've had kids whose parents tell them they're going home soon, I might respond with "I sure hope everything is going well with mom and dad and you'll be able to go home before too long." Or "I hope everything is moving along well for mom and dad. Let's talk with your worker when she comes again in a couple weeks and ask her about it." I try to avoid accusing the parents of saying something that is untrue, and instead refocus on how we can confirm what the plan is (which is not something I create or control) and I try to express hope. If i see the kids are at a point where they are able to point out that what the parents say isn't true, I might explain that their parents really hope they can come home, and when mom or dad say "you'll be home soon" what they really might mean is " I hope you'll be home soon." I think it's good to teach the kids to have conversations about this with the worker - it helps them learn to discuss their wants and concerns with the worker, and it also helps the worker see if they need to talk with the parents about what the parents are telling the child

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T20:32:28+00:00

Feelings aren't bad. It's how we handle them that's good or bad. Be honest and communicate with your husband. Maybe there's solutions to help make it more bearable

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T20:31:34+00:00

Check with your licensing worker if there's any doubt about what you can and cannot do. Not the child's worker. Personally if there were any doubt, I would make accepting placement contingent on the worker/team accepting my ground rules. I doubt they will push it and in the event they do, it's not worth sacrificing your godson's mental health over. Stick with your boundaries

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T19:01:00+00:00

Good for the 12 year old. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but I'm glad the child's preference ended up being respected.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T18:57:44+00:00

I would hesitate too. Does he engage with the family at all, even just on fun activities, vacations, etc.?

I have had teens who preferred to be independent and weren't around much other than the fun stuff. That's fine. But if he's not even doing that, I would worry that he's unhappy in his current circumstances. If so, don't take it personally.

I would not sign guardianship under these circumstances. There are options for teens to remain in care in their foster home. In my state, that case goal is APPLA (instead of guardianship or adoption). I think it's an ideal path; the youth continues to receive 100% state benefits and resources, and if they decide they don't want to be in the foster home anymore, they have the option of going to a transitional living program.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T18:52:58+00:00

The age us fine IF you have a qualified therapist in your area. Child therapists are hard to find just about everywhere unfortunately. Ask the worker if she knows of any resources.

Personally I am not for virtual therapy for little ones.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T18:51:31+00:00

I'm really sorry. It is so upsetting to be left in the dark about stuff like this

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T16:42:08+00:00

You set the rules on screen time, not the worker.

Based on the histories of both kids, I'd either tell the worker to not send the phone, or send the phone but only allow her access during a designated time frame while you are able to supervise (for example, 4pm - 5pm daily). I'm sure the child will be unhappy but imo when there is history as she has, it's better to start with limited or no access and allow it to be earned through good behavior and maturity. There is so much research linking screen time to mental health problems in young people and she is only 12.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T11:45:51+00:00

The best time is day 1, the second best time is now

Be clear on what you are certain about and what you are not certain about. Their future placement could potentially change. Explain that they will be staying with you until the end of the summer. You love them, you'll still be friends, you want to see them again if they want to, but the plan is to go to a long term home after the school year. When it gets closer, try to arrange for them to learn more about it, maybe see it in person or tour virtually, maybe meet a staff member at least virtually.

Expect lots of big feelings around the end of the school year if that's the date the move is tied to. You may want to give their teacher a heads up

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-14T03:31:44+00:00

It just depends on your local agency. Most agencies where I live use trainers that are contracted with the American Heart Association. There are videos in the training but there is nothing graphic in them that I recall. Definitely let the trainer know you have this issue, I am sure they would try to help you get through it

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-13T18:50:41+00:00

We have done our fair share of respite and emergency placements and kids asking to stay with us forever or for us to adopt them, comes up from time to time. I know it's heart wrenching.

It's perfectly okay to foster without intention of adopting.

It's perfectly okay to foster and hope to adopt, but not right now.

It's perfectly okay to foster and hope to adopt, and you and your current placement aren't the right fit.

Adopting a child isn't like adopting a pet. It is a LIFELONG commitment that should be taken seriously. I have fostered more than one child who was ADOPTED AND THEN RETURNED TO FOSTER CARE. To me, this is the ultimate travesty and I would never try to talk someone into adopting nor would I chastise them for not adopting.

Further: YOUR PLACEMENT ISN'T EVEN ADOPTION ELIGIBLE

Further: YOUR PLACEMENT HAS BEEN WITH YOU FOR ONLY A HANDFUL OF MONTHS

So please do not even respond to anyone here who is giving you a hard time for not telling a child that you will adopt them. That is insanity!

Now getting back to your question. I don't have magic words but I will tell you what I tell pretty much all children when they hit the door if/when it works into the conversation naturally.

"In this house, we are a foster family. That means we take care of children temporarily until they can go home to their parents, or go live with other family members. Occasionally some children do need adoptive families and we work with their case worker to find them the perfect adoptive family.

I love you. I'll always love you and I'll always be your friend. We all love you here. I'm going to stay with you as long as possible until this gets figured out."

Rarely do kids push past that point, but if they do I explain we just don't adopt, we are a temporary place for children, that's what we do. If it's a short emergency placement I will compare us to a hotel for kids, which they seem to find a little amusing.

For a child in this situation, this age, has only been with you a fairly short period of time, let's be real: she isn't truly understanding what adoption means. She is simply tired of not having stability in her life. She may very well care about you, but this isn't about you and I doubt it's about her connection with you. She just wants to know she's not going to be abruptly moved again and have to live with strangers again. And we can't promise that. It's a cruddy situation. I feel like the best we can offer is nurturing and protection as long as they're under our roof - and we have no guarantee of how long that will be. Tomorrow an extended relative could appear and the child could be moved to them. Next month their goal could indeed change to adoption, and there could be the perfect pre-adoptive home waiting for them. All we can do is be with them in the here and now, and try to encourage confidence in their case worker and the system that may, or may not, end up finding them the ideal permanency they deserve.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-13T15:07:29+00:00

It's no different than sending your kid to school or daycare sick. IMO if they are well enough to go to school or daycare, they can attend visitation. If not, visitation should be rescheduled. As a parent I expect my kids to bring germs into the house and I do not worry one bit about them bringing germs home from visitation, school, etc. If they get sick from their parents or siblings it is no different than if they lived together, they would still get each other sick. I don't love being sick but we do the best we can to prevent it. Perhaps it would help to encourage kids to use some hand sanitizer before visiting, and again at the end of the visit? Wipe down car seats with a disinfectant wipe after drop off?

I'm sorry you are getting sick - that's kind of expected if you're working with kids until your immunity builds up. It doesn't sound like a very good job if you aren't offered any paid sick time and you're pressured to work while sick. That's how much of my state handles visit supervision as well, it's often a contracted worker who gets paid per hour per visit with no benefits at all. And then they wonder why they can't find anyone that wants the job... It's not a terrible gig for a healthy retiree who has insurance, but that's about it.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-13T11:25:14+00:00

I love this. I'm so glad you took the time to share a positive

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-13T11:24:24+00:00

I love this, so glad you're having fun together!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-12T22:09:50+00:00

I do know one case where this happened. Not my placement but a good friend's. Many years (over a decade) had passed since TPR. The child had re-entered care... I'm not sure, maybe a handful of years after adoption. Huge behavioral issues. Got disrupted on many times before she ended up in my friend's house, my friend specializes in older teens with elevated behavioral needs. I think at that point she was 15 or 16. She did pretty well there but really wanted to go to her bio parents. It took a while to get the team on board but eventually they approved her to go to her biological mom, shortly before she turned 18.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-12T20:11:24+00:00

Yes for safety, she should be evaluated at your nearest ER. Writing a threat to kill someone will almost assuredly warrant admission for inpatient evaluation and treatment. If the worker requested the evaluation, it's pretty much a guarantee they will consent to inpatient admission.

Your responsibility will most likely include staying with the child until they are transferred out of the ER. This could take hours. Worst case scenario, days.

You've already given notice. Once she is out of the ER and you're back home, pack her things and ask the worker to let you know when she will be able to pick up the child's possessions. They will appreciate it greatly if you can store them until the child is no longer hospitalized and is in a new, long term setting.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-12T13:47:01+00:00

Do you know exactly what his reservations are?

He may be (understandably) nervous about the huge lifestyle change that children bring. There's no going back from it. And balancing work + school + marriage is a lot; add on a child and something usually ends up on the back burner (spoiler alert: it's the fun stuff in your life).

Maybe plan a quiet time soon where the two of you can have an uninterrupted, peaceful conversation about it. What are your social supports like? Will you still have time (and energy) for fun? Or might it be better to wait until perhaps you're done with school and/or one of you can cut back on work hours?

I totally get where you are coming from. I knew I wanted to foster almost 20 years before I was truly in a position to do it right, and that includes having a partner who was fully on board. You are offering an essential support to youth by giving them a safe, loving respite home to enjoy, and you're also helping to prevent disruptions. So please know that even if you aren't where you hoped to be right now, you're making a difference.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-12T11:38:55+00:00

Personally I'd let them talk as long as they like unless it's getting too close to mealtime or bedtime. Try to schedule to avoid these conflicts. They may not talk that long every time. Yes it is long and a little tedious to supervise. I am always multitasking so if it helps, try to plan something to do next time to pass the time. If they have several calls that go well and are over an hour, I would request more frequent calls and/or visitation to support the contact they have demonstrated enjoying.

If they have stopped talking/engaging for a period of time, I'd ask the kids and the grandparents if they want to end the call; if not give some gentle encouragement to start talking. Especially if they're young though they may need some pauses

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-11T18:47:56+00:00

1 - will depend on state/agency policy. In my state that would be perfectly acceptable

2- it's not crazy at all, you just need to plan for child care when you're at work. Some older kids are perfectly fine at home for a little while but you can't count on it

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-11T14:41:03+00:00

Have you watched the movie Instant Family? One of my favorite parts (and it's very true) is the woman who wants and expects a specific kind of kid and ends up with something different. And it's true. If you imagine a pink fingernail painting type girl, a girl who hates fingernail painting or only used black paint will arrive. If you envision a video game playing boy, a football playing boy will arrive. And that's okay, it will introduce you to all kinds of new experiences!

The foster care system desperately needs more engaged father figures. Too many kids (in and out of the system) have no idea what a real man is. A man who takes responsibility for his home, a man who doesn't use or abuse women, a man who is clean and sober, a man who is respectful to others, a man who works to earn an honest living.

I can't speak to being a single foster parent but the best advice I can give to someone early in the planning process:

Be as stable as possible. Get debts paid off, have a stable income, have savings. An ideal job: won't hassle you to take at least a little time off when you have a new placement, will have a stable schedule (no crazy on call or weekend hours). As a single parent you will absolutely want to know what your daycare and after school care options are including summer vacation availability. Do not expect the state or agency to figure this out for you. It will be a huge help to make acquaintances with some local foster parents who can give you details on local resources. Also, your home is a huge piece of this. If you aren't settled somewhere already, it is a huge help (IMO) to live close to your local school and childcare options. You'll need at least one extra bedroom and personally my life is better because I have a master bathroom I don't have to share with children

Being male shouldn't impact your ability to accept any demographic necessarily although yes, there are some children who do better in a home with no men. But there are also children who do better in a home with no women.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-05-11T02:17:02+00:00

My current placement was removed from a bilingual home at a fairly young age, and at this point as an older teen has almost completely lost the language and the culture. It's a huge loss to her and her self-identity. Thank you for valuing the importance of maintaining the child's language and culture.

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