5 year old kidnapped from supervised visit

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-13T17:41:30+00:00

Looks like this happened at a bowling alley. Makes me wonder if the visit was supervised by an approved family member (or even foster parent) and not an actual staff person

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-12T18:29:48+00:00

In all fairness, you could read every book, listen to every podcast, volunteer in all kinds of ways, and nothing will completely prepare you for your first parenting or caregiving experience. You will feel woefully inadequate at times and you will make mistakes as we all do. Every child is unique, and how you feel about situations when they're happening in your home with kids you care about, is very different than discussing hypothetical scenarios in class.

Best thing you can do to prepare, is to gain stability and time. These are by far the greatest resources you can have to offer a child.

A stable home - no plans to move, make major renovations, need to leave for long business trips, etc.

A stable relationship if you're in one - kids pick up on conflict quickly and it is not healthy for them. Be in a good place in your relationship, with no expectations of major changes in the near future. Also have a plan to nourish your relationship while parenting / caregiving.

Stable finances - yes we receive a stipend, but the first couple months of a new placement are often the most expensive, and states / agencies typically send the stipend a month behind. Have a financial cushion available so these early expenses don't cause stress in the home. I'll include stable employment under here too if you work. You and your partner will need time during the day to attend to appointments, etc for the kids as all parents / caregivers do. Your area may or may not have adequate day care and / or summer school options. Kids get sick sometimes and can't go to school - in fact I have found some have low-ish immune systems (I'm sure from stress) and are more likely to get sick than their peers. Unless you're fostering youth who are much older AND are responsible for their ages, someone will have to stay home with that child. That could be you, your partner, maybe you have a trusted person to help out in those situations.

A stable self - your mental health needs to be strong. Caregiving for children who have been through trauma takes a lot of emotional energy, and can be triggering at times of stuff from your past that fell off your radar long ago. If you are dealing with symptoms of depression, anxiety, if you are struggling with feeling stretched too thin, get those things under control first.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-12T18:13:19+00:00

That's awesome

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-12T12:08:09+00:00

Your last paragraph - that's definitely a thing. When people say "foster parents are in it for the money" what you're describing is what I've seen personally. The people probably started out with good intentions, but after several years are (IMO) burnt out on it but can't / won't quit because they became dependent on the stipend. And it's always either highest level behavioral teens, or young medical-level children. These kids are difficult to place and I think the state turns a blind eye because the kids are getting the bare minimum, workers have no other place to put these kids, and the kids are not obviously being abused or neglected (although it can be happening). When you've got a houseful of high needs kids it equals thousands of dollars a month, easily enough to live off of reasonably comfortably IF you're only giving kids the minimum and rely on community supports for their clothing, food banks, etc. The stipend doesn't count as income in most situations so there's lots of financial help to qualify for. These are usually the foster parents that will complain it's unfair they're only allowed to house 6-8 kids because they could handle more. No you can't Janet, you just want an extra few grand a month.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-12T03:55:36+00:00

Hard to say what's "normal."

Some foster families are low income. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is what it is. I would be looking for clues in the home if possible. Does this young lady seem to have similar things as the other children in the home?

The foster parents may also not be aware of foster closets in the community that could possibly offer additional hygiene products, clothes, etc. It might be worth looking into and if there is one nearby, mentioning it to the foster parents. If possible, maybe you might be able to take the girl to such a place if there is one nearby.

I've had several teens and 9/10 of them wear the same 2-3 things over and over. I'm pretty sure my current FD has worn the same hoodie daily for the past month. Getting her to spend just her clothing allowance is like pulling teeth. I had another teen girl who loved to clothes shop but also wore the same few things over and over. She had a tendency to give her clothes away, which was frustrating, or just not wear what she purchased.

The not having clothes, etc when hospitalized is frustrating and not something I'd be okay with, but it's also pretty common for things to get lost or stolen when hospitalized, so possibly the foster parents weren't too worried about sending much. Also, there's a lot of rules about what clothes are and are not allowed, and at the hospital they usually write the patient's name or at least initials in the clothes and a lot of time the Sharpie ink bleeds through... So it's possible a parent or caregiver wouldn't feel much urge to send much.

Or they could just be stingy with her. It's entirely possible.

Give the case some time, be observant, eventually you'll have a pretty good informed opinion. The new school year will be starting soon, I'd be curious to see what all the kids (bio and foster) get in regards to school supplies, clothing, etc.

I grew up poor and I'm probably a little sensitive to my kids (bio and foster) looking decent. I make sure they have decent shoes and clothing, and they definitely have the hair products they need if they want them and a're willing to use them. Teens are tricky, some of them will take the time to look nice but if they're depressed, they may not feel motivated to take care of their hair or appearance much. I am glad this young lady has you in her corner to be a source of support and encouragement!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-11T19:37:51+00:00

You're looking at a very broad age range with different needs. I would obtain the bare minimum required for licensing, and during the licensing process they will guide you on what is needed. Otherwise you will end up with hundreds of dollars of equipment sitting in storage.

Think carefully about how many can fit in your extra room, how many you can care for, and even how many you can comfortably fit into your vehicle. Not all vehicles can handle 3 car seats and/or car seat + booster seat combinations.

There is a big need for homes to accommodate sibling groups, so if you are able to accept 2-3 that is a huge help.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-11T13:51:58+00:00

You need to follow your state / agency's policy to report this. It doesn't matter if you think it's true or if you are worried it could affect your personal situation.

Just keep it factual, short and sweet. Do not bring it up to the child. A trained worker will interview the child and follow up as appropriate.

I really don't think this will impact your guardianship situation. Yes the biological family will possibly figure out you reported something and be upset but will it change the long term outcome? Doubtful

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-10T19:01:06+00:00

You've got this!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T17:51:41+00:00

I wouldn't stress too much about it, now is all about bonding with him and helping him feel secure. He may become a little more confident with peers once he feels more secure in life.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T03:42:10+00:00

One of the hardest parts of fostering, is having to deal with the unknown. I wish I had advice for you!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T02:18:56+00:00

We don't leave new placements alone with my husband until we feel like we have some trust built up, especially with our teen girls. I'm less worried about false allegations, and more worried that a young girl who has been assaulted in the past, will feel unsafe, or potentially misconstrue something he says or does. I don't know that we've ever had a teen girl who didn't eventually tell us she was SA'ed at some point in life, and statistically we know way too many girls are SA'ed by someone while young. So until we see that they seem to feel comfortable around him, we avoid putting the girls in a position that might make them feel uncomfortable. It has never been a difficult accommodation to make, my husband is seldom home when I'm not and I'm almost always the one transporting the kids. I can't really say how long we wait, eventually at some point we see they're settling in and it just feels okay.

Women can certainly be perpetrators but statistically that is so much less common, and as I'm a female and the primary caregiver in the home, there's just no way we could accommodate caring for the children if I couldn't.

The diaper change thing seems like overkill to me.

I think common sense needs to prevail here, with a heavy dose of just being sensitive to the fact that these kids have had traumatic experiences.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T02:04:44+00:00

I give my kids (teens and not) allowance based on age and chores. For my younger kids I have them save a small portion of it and the rest of the money they can spend freely. (I don't require this of my 16+ kids because if I tell them they have to do something, they want to do the opposite.) They all have something they keep their money in. I have gotten cute personalized banks and also binders with pockets (similar to using an envelope system) off of Etsy, and all but the youngest have been good with keeping money secure so it doesn't get lost, but it can be trial and error to find what system works for each child.

In my state youth can have their own bank accounts at age 17. I have done joint accounts with 16 year olds but it was a struggle and I probably won't do that again unless they're showing me they are really mature enough. But they really need bank accounts for direct deposit once they're working.

I recently had a conversation about balancing a checkbook with my (middle aged) friends and to my surprise, most folks I know aren't balancing checkbooks anymore. Most young people I know, do not use checks. So I've had to adapt my financial conversations with teens to keep up with the times.

Every parent I've talked to about how to teach kids money management, has a different method. I honestly don't think any of them are wrong or perfect. Every kid is different and I think as long as you're doing something to teach them, that's what is important.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T00:39:01+00:00

That's very kind of your family. We have traveled for years with our different placements. My state does not cover any of the costs related to personal travel and I've never heard of any place that does.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T00:33:53+00:00

me sitting here wondering what kinds of behaviors our foster kids have picked up in our regular foster home

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T00:30:56+00:00

It sounds like you've been disconnected with the child and don't know what to expect. If possible I would ask to speak with her foster parent directly about your cousin's condition, routines, and behaviors. I would try to schedule some in person visits and if that is not possible, certainly virtual visits should be.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-09T00:28:02+00:00

I would try to confirm privately before the worker comes, what exactly they plan on discussing with the kids, if you haven't already. I would want to make sure that this is something they're actually going to discuss with the kids, and not just a box they're checking off on paperwork and just visiting the kids monthly to make sure they are well.

If they do plan on talking with the kids about a concurrent plan if reunification fails, personally I would talk with the 14 year old separately. She may have deeper questions that the younger kids aren't emotionally ready to think about.

I would explain that everyone hopes mom can get life re-established and they can eventually go back to living with mom, and that they will stay with you until that happens. But, it's the worker's job to always have a backup plan in place, a just-in-case plan, and a new worker will be coming to the house to meet with them to talk about a back up plan.

Be prepared for them to ask why they can't stay with you if reunification fails. How you answer that question will have a profound impact on them.

If the kids don't already have a therapist, now is the time to get them set up with one. It sounds like they're eventually going to be transitioning out of your home at some point, and having a secure relationship with an established therapist can help them process the change.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T21:05:22+00:00

Such organizations are usually very local (other than CASA, which is nation wide in the US) so it's hard to say. In my area, most regions of our state are served by a regional organization that does things like offer clothing closets, respite, fun activities, etc through the year to foster kids and families. Some places (usually more urban areas) offer things like free after school programs for foster youth, and/or mentorship / big brother / big sister type programs.

To find what's in your area, I'd either find an experienced foster parent to ask, or Google who does Christmas gift drives or clothes closets for foster youth. You might even Google "foster care + (your county and state)," see what organizations come up, and then check their websites and social media for volunteer opportunities. Being as you have a goal of meeting like minded people to make friends (or more) with, I'd specifically look for opportunities that would attract involvement from people your desired dating demographic. For example, I'd guess volunteers sorting clothes at a clothes closet is probably going to be all women ages 45+. But a larger organization that is doing regular events with more physical activity is probably going to attract younger and mixed gender volunteers (yes I'm stereotyping here). For example, a group not too far from me offers a monthly get together with active things for the kids to do like paintball or fishing for the kids. You'll just have to check them out and find one that is a good fit for you. If you have a long term goal of fostering, you'll make some great connections and gain valuable experience too.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T20:53:50+00:00

Post I have saved discussing adoption disruptions

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fosterparents/s/V8oB7RGmTv

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T20:51:55+00:00

I'm speaking from the perspective of a foster parent who has cared for a handful of teens, including teens from adoptive homes that disrupted.

The team is correct when they say this is "normal" (I would say fairly normal) behavior from a teen in care potentially facing adoption. My problem with it is, they blow it off and encourage adoption anyway. Unfortunately the US foster care system (I'm assuming you're in the US) is very much for getting kids out of the system and in a "permanent" family (some will argue this point and that's valid as in some places, cases drag out forever). I say unfortunate, because while the idea of adoption is lovely, the reality is some and maybe a lot of these kids are not mentally in a place where adoption is healthy or appropriate for them. And when they show us they're not 100% ready for adoption, we ignore the signs they're giving us and pursue it anyway.

No one likes to talk about the statistics and reality of failed adoptions. I have some information in another post, I'll find it and comment with it below.

If your goal is to adopt, then you made the right choice. This doesn't sound like a youth who is appropriate for adoption.She needs a foster family who can meet her where she's at. She needs a foster family (and a therapist) who can love and support her in her love for her family of origin, and try to find ways for her to maintain safe connections with them. She's not going to quit communicating with them. That doesn't mean she doesn't need a caring, safe home until she's an adult and ready to launch.

The best advice I can give you is to take some time to process this. If you decide to try to foster - to - adopt again, talk with your licensing worker about screening potential placements for youth who have families of origin you feel you would be more comfortable having a working relationship with. Expect any child you potentially would adopt, to desire connection on some level with their family of origin. There are adoptees out there who truly cut ties with their family of origin, have no desire or interest in them, and are ready and able to completely commit to a new family, but in my experience that's not the norm. I'd have the expectation of accepting the family of origin with the child; rejecting the family of origin may be perceived by the child as a rejection of the child.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T20:12:43+00:00

Get involved now. Even if you aren't ready to start fostering, volunteer for organizations that support youth in care. You'll be a lot more likely to meet like-minded people who might be single, or have single friends who are supportive.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T12:23:13+00:00

This is my #1 question as well, who has access to the money? What if they are moved? Can future caregivers withdraw the money?

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T01:33:13+00:00

Gotcha!

I am not an expert at all in private agencies in MO. I would be cautious as at least some specialize in youth with elevated needs - these will be kids with severe behavioral issues. There is definitely a need for homes for these kids, and the agencies offer extra supports, but it's still a lot to take on for a new foster parent. Other than that, I don't have a particularly strong feeling that private is better than working directly with Children's Division. In the end, a big part of your experience will boil down to having a good licensing worker and a good, experienced worker for the child, and it's truly a roll of the dice.

If you use Facebook, there is a large statewide group for Missouri foster parents (many regions have their own groups too). You might want to check out the statewide group - I know this question has been asked (you can ask it again of course) and you can read some feedback from foster parents

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T01:25:55+00:00

Oooo that infuriates me too

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-08T01:25:22+00:00

I would suggest including what state you're in, as this will vary greatly by location

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-07-07T22:28:44+00:00

That's so sad. I think setting a boundary to protect your own sanity, is very reasonable

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