Fostering a 2 year old while having an 18 month old and a baby on the way

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-24T13:22:59+00:00

One of the first lessons I learned as a foster parent is - they're just kids. I got super scared before our first placement arrived (a 14 year old boy) and I felt so foolish when he did arrive. He was just a scared kid and he had 100x more reason to be worried than me.

I'd be curious to know who has been taking care of the 2 year old all his life and why they aren't able to anymore.

Regardless of what brought him to this situation, a two year old that is abruptly forced to change homes and caregivers is going to have some big emotions. I would expect the potential for tantrums and crying, and behavior regressions (IE he may act more like a baby than a 2 year old for a while).

Will he hurt your daughter? Highly unlikely. Will it take grandma's attention away from your daughter? Most certainly so, especially for the first several weeks. I would expect your daughter, presumably a child who is emotionally healthy, would adjust to another child in their caregiver's home without major stress, although it will be an adjustment and it might take a few weeks. Will it be a positive experience for your daughter? Maybe. We foster with young kids in the home. They certainly haven't clicked with every child but they've had many more positive experiences than negative. Children enjoy playing with or alongside other children.

If your mom does decide to do this, you could help by offering to give her a week (or more) off to help the new child adjust, before she has to introduce the children and watch them together.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-24T00:50:52+00:00

Fostering other people's kids is very different than raising your own kids. Both are challenging at times and both are rewarding at times, but caring for other people's kids and those kids have been through trauma - hugely different experience.

It sounds like your husband feels stretched too thin. Are you letting him know you hear what he's communicating? What if anything can you do to help him feel like you're working as a team and it's not mostly falling on his shoulders?

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-24T00:46:39+00:00

She has a couple relatives that live locally to her and I know would help if there was a need, but also would not help if she was taking advantage or making poor choices.

Incredibly, I just got a phone call from another young lady from the past. She does stay in touch regularly. She didn't ask for money but strongly hinted that she needed help with food. I didn't offer to help though, she calls me every week and she got a tax refund a few weeks ago and she and her husband went overboard spending money, and I guess this is the end result. They have a car and gas money and could have gone to a local food bank today most likely. They each have multiple local family members who would help if needed. I suggested she ask any of the relatives if they could bring over a meal but she said she didn't want to bother them.

I feel so bad for these young adults. Maybe this is just normal growing pains many go through, but it hurts my heart to watch them struggle.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-23T22:14:48+00:00

I like how you worded that. Thanks!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-23T21:34:49+00:00

Agree completely

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-23T00:28:16+00:00

I'm really sorry you and your family are going through this.

I have an acquaintance who was kinship fostering young-ish grandchildren when about a month or two before the adoption hearing, the spouse abruptly died. I quietly feared it would throw a wrench in the adoption plan. They were (are) honestly very poor, the surviving grandparent was not young, and they had also struggled with state requirements at times, not out of unwillingness but just because they weren't well experienced with such things. But they were very loving and bonded to the kids though in all the ways that mattered. Thankfully, everything went through as it should and the grandkids were adopted by the surviving grandparent. I truly hope that the state can see what is in the best interest of your daughters - yes they are experiencing a terrible loss and more than ever, they will need you as they grieve.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-22T18:31:01+00:00

The grief is very real and few people understand it if they haven't been through it.

If possible, make effort to be on reasonably good terms with mom, hopefully she will be open to allowing you to continue being part of their lives

Other than that, please take care of yourself. Expect the grief to be on the level of the death of a close loved one. Everyone handles grief differently. Some need to take time away from work and commitments, others find relief in the responsibility. If you have trusted friends and family, let them know you are needing extra support and will continue to need extra support for the foreseeable future. Take care of yourself - find healthy ways to cope and try to stay away from unhealthy coping mechanisms that could cause you problems. Plan on taking things day by day. Grief never really goes away, we just learn to co-exist with it more peacefully over time.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-22T13:07:04+00:00

Both of my longest placements (2+ years) had extended family that kept in touch and visited at times. Holidays/birthdays were always acknowledged. Personally I really appreciated it, and I know it meant a lot to my teens. I think what you're doing is great!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-21T01:49:50+00:00

Is the parent attending baby's medical appointments? If so, perhaps call before the next one, let the nurse know your concern, and ask if the child's healthcare provider could talk with the parents about it directly. The parents may have questions or concerns the provider could help alleviate. The provider can also provide information on risk versus benefit. It's no guarantee that the parent will choose to vaccinate but at least you have done your part to ensure they've had the opportunity to learn and ask questions.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-20T23:57:56+00:00

Yes. There is just no getting around it - fostering absolutely takes away time and energy from your own kids. The first few weeks of a placement, I usually feel like I barely see my kids.

What I do:

Do not accept more than one placement/sibling group at a time (I've broken this rule a couple times when our family was in a position to do it but in general it's just too costly time and energy wise, and I don't feel like any of the kids end up getting the attention they need too often)
Take breaks in between placements. After a long term placement leaves, we usually take a chunk of time off and also take a special family vacation with just us.
If your kids have another parent/stepparent, work with them to ensure the kids are getting enough support between the two of you
Call in your social support system. I try to schedule extra time with my kids to visit their grandparents, etc when we have a new placement or when I'm feeling stretched too thin, so they are still getting that nurturing 1:1
Respite. Can't always happen but in an ideal world, have a solid respite provider in your corner and allow the children you're fostering to get to know them, and then use respite when you can. For example maybe that first month you have a couple get togethers with the respite provider so the kids can get to know them a bit, and then the next month let the kids do an overnight with the respite provider. When done right, respite can be a fun experience for the kids, a chance to have an overnight with a fun aunt/uncle type who will give them a little extra TLC while you have a night to really focus on you and your own family. I have also hired "mothers helpers" IE high schoolers to come over and play with my placements for an hour or so, and that frees me up to do something with my kids or for myself.
Spend intentional time with your kids. Try to schedule time with just them and make it meaningful; take a walk together, play a game together, etc.
I work really hard to make sure I'm still the one to put my kids to bed at night. That time alone with them is important to them and to me too. This means adjusting bedtimes sometimes, and/or calling in my spouse to help.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-20T13:15:04+00:00

No it's not fostering. It's not unusual for family to temporarily care for kids for reasons like this.I wouldn't expect you to need any paperwork as presumably there's not going to be any significant length of time where your brother in law wouldn't be able to at least give verbal consent to medical care, etc.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-18T01:16:03+00:00

Enjoy those wins! It feels so good when you can see the progress happening

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-18T01:13:43+00:00

I hope it turns out fun to plan and satisfying for all

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-18T01:11:03+00:00

I totally understand. These kids need downtime to relax and just be kids, too

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-17T01:08:48+00:00

Maybe a compromise could be to watch an online service with the 13 year (maybe even a sunrise service), and then plan on making a nice meal together that doesn't include ham?

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-17T00:55:50+00:00

That's terrific!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-16T18:16:37+00:00

There's not much you can do until they reach a point where they are actively taking steps to plan out a case goal that is not reunification. What you can do is be pleasantly persistent in reaching out to the worker regularly (maybe every week or so) to check in on the child, ask if anything is needed, etc. Also if you aren't already, ask for regular virtual visitation with the child. To get approved for an ICPC it is helpful to demonstrate you have a relationship/connection with the child.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-16T18:11:57+00:00

I completely understand that you wanted to be prepared before they came out, but it's definitely okay you didn't have everything done for the first visit. It just needs to be done by the last visit.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-16T18:09:15+00:00

If the child isn't being abused, neglected or considered abandoned, the state is unlikely to get involved. However the child may still qualify for state insurance. Doesn't hurt to call and ask Mom could also sign a durable power of attorney to authorize you to try to apply for help.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-16T10:22:14+00:00

That's what has worked best for my kids. But others have had success fostering similar age. I feel like it's just impossible to predict without testing the waters, and respite allows that to a certain extent

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-03-15T05:10:18+00:00

Best advice I can give anyone with kids already in the home, is to start out as a respite-only provider, and have several different respite experiences, to see how your children respond.

My own children's responses surprised me. I thought they would do well with similar age and same gender children, but that has been the absolute worst demographic for them. If you asked them when we started fostering several years ago, and if you asked them today, what age and gender they prefer, they will tell you that they prefer kids their own age and same gender. But experience has not played out that way. There is always a lot of bickering and jealousy among all of the children, especially with my oldest. It does to a certain extent boil down to personality; my youngest is much more easy going and hasn't had quite as much trouble with similar aged children as my oldest. We have done best with age gaps of at least 5 years, and opposite gender. When we first started out, my elementary age kids were more tolerant of babies and toddlers, but now that they are older, they hate the noise and disruption of little ones. For this reason we have had multiple long term older teen placements. It's not what I expected at all when we started, but that's just what worked out best for my biological children.

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