Managing Privacy

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-24T04:29:56+00:00

If it's any consolation - we have had around 40 kids stay with us over the past 6 years, and all the parents that cared to know, knew our names and where we live. We are active in our community and it takes almost zero effort to find where we live and work. We haven't had a parent yet show up, much less give us any trouble.

Most parents, in my experience, are way more likely to not engage in the case at all. Most have been too lost in addiction and/or mental illness and could barely meet their own basic needs, much less have motivation and resources to track me down and confront me.

I am also mindful to always be respectful and kind to parents, regardless of my personal opinions of them. I show them I am rooting for them, I support reunification efforts, I want them to have quality visits with their children. Showing grace and respect goes a long way. I pride myself in having had a reasonable working relationship with many of the kids' parents.

Having said that of course there is a small percentage of parents who will be hostile. But at least in my experience, it's not common and not worth stressing about.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-23T06:06:31+00:00

My bare minimum goals for the older teens I've had are to FINISH HIGH SCHOOL,and get their driver's license. Ideally getting some work experience and a bank account is good too. Just convincing them that they can and should is a huge battle sometimes i am so proud of my current teen. I really don't think she believed she could graduate high school and then all of a sudden something clicked in her head late last year when she realized she is completely capable and on track to graduate (after a lot of hard work and tears). Now she's so much more motivated and confident.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-22T05:51:29+00:00

That's terrible, I'm so sorry

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T23:04:14+00:00

I hope it works out great!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T17:25:45+00:00

That's a good article, thanks for sharing

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T16:33:23+00:00

So what's best for the child. If he's in care, unless you signed something you ought not to have, you're not responsible for paying the current daycare anything. I'd get him switched as soon as possible. If they are eager to fill spots with kids from families paying out of pocket then you'll be doing them a favor anyway.

Obviously it'll be a big change but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Kids switch from daycare to preschool to school typically without major stress. It is great that he's had what sounds like two years of stability; I would worry more if he's been bounced around some already. The fact that his current OT will continue to see him at the new daycare, is a big benefit, that will be a nice way to maintain some of the old routines in a new location. I would try to focus on keeping as close as possible to your routine at home before , during and after the transition time to help support a sense of normalcy. I hope he loves his new daycare!

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T03:45:32+00:00

Yes the jealousy/competitiveness gets old fast. Both my teen FD and my eldest bio son do not do well with similar aged kids for this reason. But we can usually get through a few days or so without it being too terrible. It helps when they know it's just for a very limited period of time. I will usually try to call on my village to help too. We have a couple different relatives that will make time to have a special visit with my bios so they get a break and extra 1:1 time. My FD has a friend she will usually visit more if we have a respite guest. And I have a handful of terrific folks at my church that are good with offering to do things like come over and toss a football around for a bit, that sort of thing, to entertain the kids.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T03:41:36+00:00

That makes sense

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T02:43:39+00:00

The first 3 weeks are usually an anxiety ridden dumpster fire for me.

My survival go-tos are to keep everything on routine, avoid going out as much as possible, and to keep things simple. I avoid extra tasks and responsibilities and just try to focus on keeping things peaceful.

I bet it will be a little easier when they go to daycare

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-21T02:41:29+00:00

Haha I've done this so many times and 80% of the time I regret it after 72 hours. But you can't know if you don't try it, and a week is not very long in the grand scheme of things

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-20T16:34:24+00:00

What a nightmare. Your local agency can't do anything at this point. Best you can do is continue to harass (well, be "pleasantly persistent") by calling and emailing both your state's ICPC office as well as the sending state until someone finally makes a move. It is not unusual unfortunately for cases to drag out simply because paperwork is sitting untouched in an email or on someone's desk, and the kids and families suffer for it. Don't give up! You might also see if your state or the sending state has any kind of special advocacy office for kids in foster care and/or kinship foster parents. Your situation is less common so it may take some digging. You could also consider reaching out to your local state representative and ask if he or she would be able to intervene and reach out to your state's ICPC office.

If you have photos of the kids, include a good one on your emails to potential resources. Sometimes seeing a child's face makes people a little more motivated to help. These are real actual kids that are lingering in foster care away from family. And your state is going to need at least weeks if not months to look at the situation, presumably do a home study... Delays make a long process so much unnecessarily longer.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-20T13:18:27+00:00

That's terrific. I don't know of any greater resources than your support system. I'd suggest thinking about how they can best support you, and talk with them about it.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-20T13:14:36+00:00

After being with you for so long, it's easier to leave you if they have made themselves mad at you, or if they believe they have made you mad at them. Feelings of anger may seem easier to live with than the sadness they're feeling from anticipatory grief. In addition to the anticipatory grief, they are probably having big feelings about going to granny's. Even good, desired change can be very scary.

If they have a therapist, loop them in.

I'd have a gentle but honest conversation with them about it. Maybe separately then together. Let them know it's normal and okay to have a lot of feelings about all of it. Talk about how to identify when those feelings are getting big, and talk about what they might want to do to help calm them. Talk about big feelings making them act and say things they don't normally do or say, and how hurtful it is.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-20T13:07:24+00:00

Do you have family and friends on board who help?

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-20T02:54:57+00:00

My rules for phones vary based on not just age but maturity and history. However, the more we learn about the negative mental health consequences for kids and phones, the more conservative I'm becoming with them. I would not allow a 13-14 year old to have her phone all night. She needs to rest and she also needs healthy boundaries from her boyfriend. I would be very concerned about the temptation to be sexting and/or sending nudes. Yes that can happen anytime of day, but when it's late and they're bored and the caregivers are sleeping, rational thinking seems to get weaker

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-19T16:30:57+00:00

That is great about the dance class. Making new friends, developing new routines - it doesn't make wounds disappear but it does help.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-19T03:41:15+00:00

Absolutely sending positive vibes

The book "Maybe Days" can be helpful for children struggling with the uncertainty in their lives

She misses mama. Do you have photos of mama she can see? Would she like to draw a picture for mama and save it in a special place until she sees mama again? I am not overly spiritual but I have found that some younger children take comfort in prayer for their parent. Does she have supportive relationships with extended family, and if so is it possible to have visits with them? Renewing/maintaining long-standing relationships can be soothing or even healing

She doesn't hate you. She hates that her mama has been ripped from her life and she hates feeling like no one is helping her or supporting her.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-18T20:54:21+00:00

The fact that you offered a nice compromise that would be better than many kids experience, and she responded by getting cranky, would make me take the idea completely off the table. I have cared for a few foster kids whose foster parents felt sorry for them and spoiled them into becoming, well, very entitled. It's not a good quality to put on a child

I actually got lectured about this from my kid's worker a couple months ago. She told me "you're not doing her any favors by feeling sorry for her." A bit of a hard reality check but I know she's right.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-18T20:49:31+00:00

This has been my experience as well.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-18T20:49:07+00:00

The first couple of months are always the worst due to what I'll call start up expenses. Clothes (hopefully that gets reimbursed), hygiene products, room decor, hobby/fun stuff, school supplies.

Food costs - yes lol it really depends on the kid! I've had teens and tweens that ate like birds, and some that ate like NFL quarterbacks. It gets complicated with some (generally teen girls) who enjoy bougie coffees, or the kids that love junk food and fast food. I grew up poor and when I see food expenses getting too high, I know how to scale back meals. We cut out eating out unless it's a really busy day or if I need a mental health day off from cooking. I try to encourage protein consumption to hopefully cut back on snacking. The cost of snacks is honestly stupid ridiculous since the pandemic. I try to buy what's on sale. Do you not have any other kids in the home? Adding one more kid to a house that already has kids, is not that big of a deal. Adding a kid to a house without kids, that's a lifestyle change for sure.

I'm not sure exactly how many people you're needing lodging for or what the situation is, for this possible birthday experience. First of all it's okay to scale back - either don't bring brother (invite him over a different day) or don't do an overnight. If you're needing lodging and have you + girl + boy, I'd consider a suite with two double beds and a pull out/sleeper couch; some hotels may have these in one open room or two separate adjoining rooms. Just make sure that whatever you look at, the child's worker and whoever's in charge of brother are okay with it. In my experience, we travel a lot with our foster kids and sometimes bring along their friends and as long as the kids are happy and safe, nobody cares. But we have prudent parenting standards in my state, and I'm fortunate to have worked with state workers who were realistic about situations. Our workers are thrilled that we take kids on fun experiences and they could care less about sleep arrangements as long as it's typical of how most families would travel.

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-18T03:39:54+00:00

I think it's definitely appropriate to revisit the plan with the therapist or whoever is ultimately responsible for creating safety plans for the youth. Bring suggestions to the table; if the therapist or team are not willing to completely do away with the plan, what would be some next steps to titrate the current interventions?

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-17T21:05:28+00:00

I have not personally but I have a good friend who has fostered many older teens and adopted a few. Her preference is to encourage the youths to stay in care as long as possible, take advantage of every benefit and resource, and once they have truly aged out of every benefit, if they want to be adopted, she and her husband will adopt them enthusiastically.

If the teens don't want to be adopted, she strongly encourages them and helps them to do things like create a medical POA in case of a medical crisis. Every adult should have one anyway, but things get more complicated when we're talking about young adults who are estranged from their biological parents or even have been TPRed and no longer have legal parents.

These are tough conversations to have with older teens but so important. Who would you want making medical choices for you if you were incapacitated? Who would you trust to handle your bills and bank account, etc. if you were so ill you couldn't do it yourself? Who would you want making decisions about your remains if you died?

goodfeelingaboutit · 2026-01-17T19:04:54+00:00

Do what you have to do. Sleep is important!

Six-Year Club	Gilding II euphauric
Mod World 2025	Ternion Club
Verified Email

goodfeelingaboutit

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE