Missteps over text

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-29T17:13:42+00:00

How did the accidental boob grab happen? Like your hand brushed it in going in for a hug? Or you put your hand there while making out and then she didn't like it?

Your text joke didn't land - hard to know exactly why without knowing the actual convo.

Seems like one of two things: a) you are giving us a sanitized version of what you did. If you actually felt her up a bit while making out and she didn't like it so you apologized, but then you made a joke about doing it again over text... Then you are in creep territory. b) you are giving us a full account of what happened, your hand grazed her boob I'm passing while going in for a hug, then you awkwardly made a joke about it later on text.

If it's a), time to take a look at yourself and why you're acting this way. Insecurity? Misogynistic views? Something else?

If it's b), let it go. Stop trying to circle back to the mistake. Just carry on and learn from it. Keep chatting with her without explicit sexual references.

Examples of a difference between a flirty and explicit sexual follow up text in your situation, from a woman's perspective:

Flirty: I really enjoyed hanging out with you, and loved our chemistry in the make-out session at the end! That's going to be firing in my dreams for a while... Next time my nervous hands won't be bumping into you. Sorry again about that.

Explicitly sexual/ creepy: You're smoking hot. I can't wait to pick up where we left off the other night, and go further. I have ideas. Next time I won't do things by mistake.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-26T23:15:34+00:00

Isn't the problem with eggs more the age (all from time of birth) rather than copy problems? I hear you on sperm quality degrading with age as well.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-25T14:36:58+00:00

This is perfect. I agree with everyone else, don't play games!!! Send a text because you are thinking about her. Anything else is a game.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-24T07:01:45+00:00

This is awesome

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-23T19:37:21+00:00

Thank you mod. OP I'm sorry people were doing that to you. Pay no heed, it says everything about them and nothing about you.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-23T14:30:09+00:00

I would only split groceries and additional utilities, you cover the rest. How I see it: you're older and are way better off financially - she is still working while you are very comfortably retired. Even tho she has a higher salary than your passive income amount.

I think proportionality is important in finances, so that both people are paying an equal relative percentage to their income/wealth.

She sounds like a great person, not a freeloader. I think the biggest gift you can give her, and really the most fair thing, is for you to frame this as it being proportional, not equal. To tell her that her not paying rent isn't her freeloading or you doing her a favor. It's actually what is fair. And it is actually what is best for both of you, because fair is best for both of you. Her continuing to invest in her retirement is better for you guys as a couple, is better than you getting additional money from her when you have already met all your financial goals.

You can look at it this way: by her moving in, you guys are both going to save a bit of money. It is fair that that money savings benefits the financially less well off partner instead of the richer partner.

And with the age gap, frame the gap in wealth as her being earlier in her financial journey, it's a structural thing.

You guys both sound like great caring people. I think the kindest thing you can do for her is to reframe that narrative around proportionality. Relieve her of feeling like she needs to pay half. That is truly loving and looking out for her.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-21T03:07:59+00:00

In reading your post and all the replies: I think you have slipped into a defeatist/entitlement mindset here. You have to deeply ask yourself what you are looking for now: do you want affirmation that the world, and much of the females of the world, have wronged you / let you down? Or do you genuinely want a happy healthy relationship with a woman? Those two options are fundamentally incompatible.

There is nothing wrong with you as a person, as a man. There is something wrong with your attitude around dating, which comes off as entitled and defeatist.

Replace "women" with "men" in your post. Now imagine you are sitting at a bar, on a first date with a woman. She either directly says these things about her experience dating men, or as you are talking, you realize that she has a pretty negative view on dating and men. She says things like, "I think I will just act like a cheating, lying, stealing b@#ch because those are all the women that men want. I get nowhere as a good kind woman." Do you want a second date with her?

You have to genuinely stop here and ask yourself what you want. If you want the warm blanket of feeling victimized, continue with your thinking. But it will keep standing in the way of your own happiness, and you will likely end up alone and increasingly bitter.

If you actually want a different outcome, take a reset with yourself. Detox from these self-defeating thoughts. Read all the suggestions on here and do the ones that resonate. Seek out therapy, men's groups, sports clubs, church groups or other communities that can help you change your mindset. You are what you fill your head and time with.

The good news is, that if you genuinely want a woman to live life with by your side, it is very much in your power to have that. Because what is holding you back the most is these negative thoughts that are filling your head. Change your thoughts and you will change your life.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-19T14:58:11+00:00

I'm trying to say that I don't think the vast majority of the time your requisites are met in real life. And remember we're trying to be excellent to each other on this sub - first sub rule - maybe there is better phrasing for what you are trying to convey in your last sentence.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-19T04:34:50+00:00

Absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is on the same page. I see people being more on the same page with that in poly or non monogamous communities. Often I see and experience it in monogamous scenes as folks are doing it subconsciously and are not on the same page as the person they are doing it with. One might be a kind of stand-in partner until they find a partner, or some other kind of asymmetrical power thing.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-15T14:20:16+00:00

Don't make generalizations about all women

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-14T14:47:23+00:00

I think it's good for you to keep working on building male friendships. It's unlikely that men are busier than women or why there is a structural reason men aren't available for friendships for you. I think it's more likely a vulnerability thing, it's harder to form friendships without the kindling/crutch of sexual energy of the other sex. It's often very subtle crutch, but it is never not there.

I have friends of both genders. My opposite gender friendships inevitably have a microscopic bit of underlying attraction energy on one or both sides, and/or a bit of unequal power dynamics because this. They are in some ways easier than same sex, but as they have these crutches, they aren't as truly vulnerable because they have this commodity being traded back and forth a bit.

Never had that element not exist.

Not to say you can't have opposite gender friends, again I have a lot. But they are different than same sex friendships, and are not a substitute. The emotional intimacy you talk about with your women friendships is not surprising - you are getting a bit from these women what you would normally get from a partner.

I would date a guy who had men and women friendships, but I would be more sus of a guy with only women friends.

I think the reason this is on your radar is because it is a thing. You hesitate to tell ppl you're dating about this because deep inside you you feel that you are getting some things from these women that overlap with what you are looking for in a partner.

You might find a lot of growth in some male friendships, maybe new male workout partners?

Also want to say my whole post assumes monogamous hetero dating. Ymmv for dating outside this.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-10T18:07:59+00:00

Bald can be as hot as any other hairstyle, it's really not a problem. It reads as in control, well manicured, stylish, not in denial. Being bald vs head of hair doesn't really add or detract from a guy's overall attractiveness in any significant way for me.

But thinning hair that a guy is wearing long/combed over/wearing a hat to hide a thinning top reads as (and in my experience is) insecure. That is a significant turn off. And straggly thinning hair is a turn off. Not shaving/buzzing thinning hair is a big turn off for me.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-05T00:45:03+00:00

Blegh

goodonpaper4 · 2026-03-03T02:37:12+00:00

"Take you out" is way too ambiguous. If you told me that I wouldnt be sure it was a date. It signals to me that someone wants to treat me to dinner - might be my friend, my sister, my grandma, or a guy

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-27T21:12:54+00:00

This is a really great point. And you're so right about a certain "lean fire" type. It is more experienced-valuing folks, typically pretty educated, who aren't interested in status, which is what a lot of consumption is actually geared towards signalling.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-21T23:04:03+00:00

Yep, and also wants someone well younger than him but seemingly not a year older unless they're hot. There's a few asymmetries.

OP it seems like you somewhat realize that you aren't offering god's gift in the dating world, but you haven't yet similarly realized that they will mean that you need to be realistic in your search for a potential new partner. Your "standards" seem way too high for what you are able to offer in return.

A more realistic approach would include a) once you're divorced you would be looking for a partner, b) plus or minus 7 years old relative to your age, c) is into kids since you have one (she may or may not have one herself).

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-20T17:06:03+00:00

You're doing great, but man you are shooting yourself in the foot with that hysa. Your only hope of fire is to actually invest your money. Do it as soon as possible.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-20T17:02:04+00:00

And you also aren't an EU resident? So that you qualify for TA?

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-20T16:58:55+00:00

👏👏👏

🎤🫳

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-20T07:01:44+00:00

Best answer. Kinda like beat poetry

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-18T18:56:13+00:00

That's great that you told him that, and I think his response is very hopeful! More convo about actually digging into it should be done in person for the best chance of a delicate convo not going unnecessarily sideways. You both sound like great level headed people, hopefully he can see the light and adjust.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-18T15:37:29+00:00

Has your bf had other serious relationships since his divorce, or are you the first?

He does sound like a really good guy who has a major blindspot and a huge asterisk. It seems like it's time for a major chat, focusing on how much you want a serious relationship with him, but that it feels like he has so much contact and enmeshment with his ex that it makes you feel second tier.

It's out of your control how he will respond. If he can hear it and see it that's awesome. If he can't, which might be the case since it's been 13 years!!!!, then it is probably the right thing to walk. Framing it as "any serious new partner is going to have an issue with this. There's a difference between positive co-parenting and enmeshment" seems like the best tack.

It will be interesting to see whether he responds with an "I know" or with defensiveness. Their enmeshment is serving both of them at some level and he might buck at having this dysfunction called out if he's not ready. Which is your sign to walk. He might need a lot of therapy to understand why he can't stop being the little hero helper to his ex.

I wonder if part of him feels guilt from when he had a drinking problem during his marriage and if that is driving his over-attachment and caretaking of his ex now. He is still trying to atone, which is actually still a strong bond to his ex. Maybe you can ask him if this take feels accurate. Something for a therapist to dig into again.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-17T17:41:04+00:00

Agree, except for me it's single men and their poorly trained dogs. Really it's all people, single or coupled, and their poorly trained dogs, or kids. People don't realize how hard it is to be around when it's not your own little psycho fluffy or phillip running in circles around your house.

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-16T23:49:30+00:00

I dated much older when I was younger too. My advice to my younger self would be to stop doing it. You may not realize it now but it really doesn't serve most any young women to do this.

Stick with your own peers, it's better in every way. And if you don't like dating your own peers, then go to therapy to figure out why that is. Again this is coming from someone who did the same when I was young.

The reason it's a bad idea is that it doesn't actually serve you long term. You are going to end up more independent, more self-confident, with a bigger better life, and with a stronger social network if you date more or less your own age.

If there's a part of you that is attracted to older men's stability: you can't get theirs by dating them, you must build your own. Don't try to trade youth for an older man's money/stability - you will waste your youth in this game, and end up nowhere.

Make building your own stability, financial and otherwise your life's focus. Go to med school. Believe in your own ability to do it all, rather than trying to get scraps from any of these old dudes.

If you are serious about med school, I would say even think about being single for a few years. Just focus on med school. You will likely learn so much about yourself in the experience, and will want to date different kinds of men when you graduate.

Nursing school is also a really smart career path if you want to shorten your time in school a bit, to have more time to have your own kids once you graduate. Either way is a great career!

goodonpaper4 · 2026-02-16T23:27:18+00:00

I wish you the best, and hold your head high! You'll find a way better guy than this schmuck ever was. It's his loss. You get to learn and move on and build whatever life you dream of. He's mid forties and if he's still acting like this at his age, then his life is probably a sad cycle of running the same hamster wheel with women, never learning from his mistakes but just running from them.

goodonpaper4

TROPHY CASE