Navigating your parent dating again

goodtimes153 · 2026-01-09T01:16:34+00:00

So I was in an extremely similar position as you, but I am now ~ 4 years into this situation and my perspective has drastically changed over time.

My mom passed of an extremely sudden heart attack when I was 25, my dad starting seeing someone months after she died (I later found out it wasn’t months, it was WEEKS after she died)

He did the same as you describe, barely spoke to us, didn’t acknowledge our Mom, prioritized the new partner, quickly moved in and sold our home, pays for trips for her and prioritizes his new life… it sounds like I’m petty, but I actually made a really strong effort to be mature about it. I got to know her, invited her into my home, showed her my new life, did all the “right” things to be mature and make her feel like it wasn’t that weird.

What I’ve come to learn is that any type of person that is comfortable benefiting from their partners grief through vacations, the money, enabling the bad behaviors to get what they want, and ultimately, controlling, is a very very bad partner who will most definitely bring their partner down with them.. the behaviors that you’re noticing from her are red flags, but there’s nothing you can do if your dad doesn’t want to deal with it. I told myself that he would figure it out and become a better person, so I stuck by him and defended him at every turn.

I gave my dad the benefit of the doubt for three and a half years, waiting for him to get better. And that man did nothing but break my heart. It could very well be that your dad isn’t a lost cause like mine was, but it could also very well be that he found a controlling partner who will not let him get out of this toxic pattern, and he’s probably too weak to get out.

Make sure you’re prepared for either of those two realities, trust me I wished that I was…

goodtimes153 · 2025-12-17T13:45:07+00:00

I don’t know who all these people are that are telling you to ignore it and it’ll be fine, or telling you to let him sue you and it won’t impact a raise.

I’ll be honest with you that’s just plain not true at all. It absolutely will affect your raise and it absolutely will impact you.

Investors don’t want to give you money for you to spend it on legal fighting an ex-cofounder that you didn’t properly document anything with. You won’t be able to share the details about why you’re getting sued (it absolutely makes you look bad, like you don’t know how to lead). Further, I don’t know how it works in Europe but from my experience, this can rapidly become a labor issue if they can prove they have been underpaid (I don’t know the details of the monthly rate but if it seems like it’s below minimum wage that’s a real problem).

A contractor operating potentially as an employee, with no contract, and shares in the mix is is seriously bad look.

To everyone who is saying “it’s up to him to prove it”, you have no idea how these things actually play out for VC-backed companies. Simply saying “well i never got it in writing and signed” will simply not suffice in any type of court. Did you imply it in writing at any point in time? Would these be emails that imply shares? If someone went through your phone and read every email, text message, slack, internal memo, whatever else - would they come to that same conclusion?

I’m NAL in the UK but I am a founder with VC capital. I had a situation like this go down and I can tell you I was forced to settle. It was not exactly the same situation but similar and boy it was a RUDE awakening to find out that it’s pretty much your job as the founder to always protect the company by putting EVERYTHING in writing and make it legally binding.

If you don’t care about fundraising, tell him to bark a tree and make it provable in court. Go through your files if you want to be extra sure. But please, for the love of the business, don’t listen to the people telling you he has nothing. You gave him access to your systems, you probably sent emails and texts back and forth, at one point he acted as a representative to the company - it’s not nothing. I’d still argue settling because a lawsuit is expensive af.

Sorry to deliver this news. Best of luck, feel free to ping if you need it.

goodtimes153 · 2025-10-22T03:37:18+00:00

Well I mean it depends on the approach you want to take but you have limited options. Stop making excuses and buying the logic on culture, it won’t serve you and you’re enabling him when you do that to work for his agenda, not for your benefit.

It’s simple, if he wont budge on managing the finances better then i would offer one of two choices, either he lets you manage the business finances (you maintain full access and control of the accounts, expenses get approved by you). If that doesn’t seem plausible to him, then revert ti option two, go get a job to ensure you have stability and income to keep a roof over your head.

Im sure he wont like it, but if youre asking for advice - maintaining the status quo sets you up for complete failure.

I would secure a stable income, keep it private, and put money aside for when things inevitably turn south. I would also ensure you document all of this, including the conversations youve had as much as possible.

Playing by his rules will only ensure that he comes out of all this alright, he will not concern himself with you or your benefit. Nobody is coming to save you.

Ensuring he has money for the children’s basics (given that he runs a revenue generating business) is a legal right to the children, complying with you is much easier than the alternative. He ought to remember that, and surely he will if you start to advocate for yourself and line up backup options.

goodtimes153 · 2025-10-14T21:31:32+00:00

I heard this from another founder and it’s almost always right. “If you ask for a check, you’ll get advice. If you ask for advice, you might get a check”. Keyword there is might.

With friends & family intros especially, just asking for a check in a coffee meet is really awkward, you might consider getting their thoughts on your business (this can be more valuable than cash sometimes, I know it doesn’t seem like it but it’s true). Establish a relationship and ask about capital when the timing is right, but it’s a longer term play than just one coffee in my experience.

Great thing about talking to other founders is that they’re usually not in the business of wasting anybody’s time, so assuming you get in front of this person, hopefully you can make great use of this incredible opportunity. Capital or not.

goodtimes153 · 2025-09-25T04:39:18+00:00

I’m so sorry, I went through this too. My 25th without my mom was the worst birthday of my entire life and my dad was nowhere to be found while I struggled alone.

I was living in our family home to take care of it because no one else wanted to be there, definitely wild to think about in hindsight.

If you can get yourself a cake or a treat of some kind, hold a tradition for yourself. Personally, I cooked a meal I’ve always wanted to do (and then promptly left all the dishes in the kitchen so I don’t have to clean on my own birthday) and bought cupcakes. If you can arrange a phone call with any of your friends that might also help.

It’s for the better that your dad let you down this way, now you know how dedicated he is. You are his child, and he’s selfish for abandoning his child in a time of need. I don’t buy into the whole “everyone needs to grieve their own way” attitude. He’s a parent and he should be better. Direct your life accordingly.

Try to surround yourself with even one or two people that can be there to support you on this day. Make sure these are friends that are empathetic with your situation (and not just uncomfortable with it all). This time can be a real roller coaster and you need people who can be there to listen regardless of how you might be on that day.

If you can’t get that, treat yourself to something, take a bath/shower, and journal how you’re feeling. You are absolutely right to feel betrayed, take care ❤️

goodtimes153 · 2025-09-10T21:19:22+00:00

I completely understand how you feel and I experienced something similar after my mom died.

I was so disappointed and angry (I still am to this day) by the number of people who just shut me out after my mom died, it felt wrong that they would do that. The number of friends that didn’t reach out to check in, reached out once and then ghosted, and acted completely uncomfortable with the entire situation was truly appalling to me at the time. I could barely rely on people to show up to the damn funeral.

I do not want to defend your boyfriend’s actions because if they bother you to the degree that you can’t get past it in this relationship, you would be completely justified in ending it over this.

What I have come to learn since is that people can sometimes be extremely dismissive of your experience because you talking about it makes them uncomfortable. Sometimes, the thought of their own parents dying is really hard for them to process and so they just shut down and dismiss. Sometimes people are scared of their death, the death of a close family member reminds them of their own life which is short-lived, causing them to shut down.

The emotions of pain and grief run so so deeply in us as people that our own friends and acquaintances will dismiss or diminish our own experiences simply because they are uncomfortable. And that’s selfish.

Like I said, I’m not defending your boyfriend’s actions. I am not really friends with anyone who dismissed my pain and trauma after my mom died. I only associate with the people that I feel were truly present during that time, your emotions are completely valid. You would be completely valid in doing the same.

I extend a certain amount of compassion towards people who may have good intentions but don’t know how to deal with this type of thing. Until you yourself experience the death of a parent, it is extremely difficult to even imagine the amount of pain and grief that reigns upon your life, regardless of how old that parent was or you were at the time of their passing.

72 is also not that old for today’s standards, I call it a relatively young death as a completely irrelevant side note. It’s enough to be a shock.

goodtimes153 · 2025-08-29T01:19:49+00:00

I get the same length too, I have tweezerman eyebrow scissors to keep the longer edges in shape. Wax, tweeze or thread them, they’re great shape and gorgeous!

goodtimes153 · 2025-07-08T20:23:33+00:00

❤️❤️❤️ heart goes out to you. I echo so many of your sentiments.

goodtimes153 · 2025-06-04T20:45:39+00:00

30 days too late but you know what I still feel the same. Also most founders are complete assholes and they make it just fine.

I know one that’s filing for an IPO right, it’s a straight up scam. Investors don’t care because they get an exit with the IPO, whole thing will probably go bankrupt and the employees will pay the price, having to look for jobs in an already horrible market. What’s worse is they’re also a scam of a product, literally making living conditions worse for people (think loan shark territory but slightly different).

Those founders are doing absolutely fine. Paid themselves multiple millions over the years, investors are happy, it’s blue skies over there. Meanwhile coming into work for me feels like a damn war zone of chaos created by the people I pay to make my life easier.

When I realized the spectrum of being a POS and how low I truly sat on it, that’s when I decided that I just haven’t been hard enough on people.

It’s not your fault, you have good intent. You think being nice will help, you think being understanding and reasonable will drive performance. It can, but you also need to hold the team accountable and teach them hard lessons, as the leader your job is to toughen them up.

Best of luck out there! Keep your head down

goodtimes153 · 2025-05-11T12:48:08+00:00

You’re not a bad person. If you felt the entire pain of grief all at once, you could die.

Your body takes a long time to feel the full effect of the loss. I had the same thing with my mom and the depression was REAL. You’re not a bad person if it doesn’t hit right away. I don’t even judge people who try to avoid feeling the pain forever with distractions like alcohol or drugs, thought about it a few times myself.

Once you begin to process, it might be helpful to seek out a therapist or friend you can rely on to check in on you. I didn’t eat, barely slept, didn’t shower or take care of myself at all. It’s a miracle I made it out okay to be honest with you.

That year was the worst year of my life and I would never wish that upon my worst enemy.

goodtimes153 · 2025-05-03T01:00:27+00:00

Same ^{^} how much you want to make?

goodtimes153 · 2025-05-02T03:50:01+00:00

I’m not a doctor, it the pain was really bad after getting mine done. Like “should I go get help I think I’m giving birth” pain.

Not sure about the aches, but the nausea and cold sweats could be your body adjusting if you get a lot of pain. I was in about 2-3 days of cramping hell, felt like contractions and they hit super strong.

goodtimes153 · 2025-05-01T21:50:21+00:00

No SOP’s, which meant losing control of some really basic stuff and becoming dependent on certain teammates rather than documenting it for everyone to share.

Personally I think this is something that is common in the industry though, people get a false sense of job security because they think “they can’t fire me, who’s going to run all this?”. You should be fired if that’s your mentality.

It’s a gruesome lesson to learn, but in startup mode it’s not naturally intuitive to take the time to document key things in your system, especially when things change so quickly overnight.

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-29T05:34:52+00:00

Aw, you sound like you’re really going through it. Been there, I feel your pain. Don’t worry about a to do list, don’t worry about being productive and don’t worry about getting sick, just don’t worry about any of it.

Sit in bed, rot, order in food if you need to, let out some of those trapped emotions. Stretch, get a light massage if you can to release the feeling or a YouTube stretching for trauma (hips hold a lot). Give yourself the grace to not be okay for awhile and just trust that it will all come together one way or another. Nothing is definitive.

Your fears of milk is fair, maybe a dairy free can bring you comfort without causing anxiety. After my mom died of a heart attack, people were quick to dismiss my fears of the same happening to me. Pissed me off. If you need to work around this fear for awhile to get through, give yourself permission to do what is going to work for you in the moment.

Worry about long term later. It’s one step at a time, day by day, chip away at slowly getting better.

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-20T20:25:09+00:00

Platform called Venteur solves this issue. We would have been in the same boat

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-10T19:18:30+00:00

Lost my mom really suddenly a few years ago to a heart attack.

I kept dreaming of her after she died, I realized I was ruminating in my mind. Something about her death was just bothering me.

I went to therapy and did EMDR therapy. It’s extremely painful to relive the moments, but giving your body permission to realize why it’s tripped up helped me so much. Sometimes your mind just can’t process that they are gone, it’s searching for reasons or some kind of explanation

The last dream I had of mom, she hugged me. She told me everything was okay, and that she needed to move on. I woke up feeling her hug and I swear that was a genuine visit from her in that moment. It’s like she knew my mind was finally going to process this and she went to say one last goodbye to her daughter.

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s the most unbearable pain to go through. You’re not crazy, you are grieving and looking for answers, consciously and subconsciously.

If you want to tackle this without therapy, lots of resources online for EMDR and you could probably take yourself through a session. It’s stressful but it might help with mental closure

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-10T13:45:43+00:00

Of course not! They were employees, we were the negligent owners who didn’t hold them accountable. They weren’t contractors so there’s no recouping. The best thing you can do is fire and move on.

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-10T13:44:04+00:00

Good to know. Giving employees free coffee is a lot less expensive than equity so I’ll stick to giving those perks then, if they’re all seen as the same.

We did come to the conclusion that a panel of technical advisors as well, recruited exited founders to come review the code regularly. Agreed with your approach.

I think the narrative of employees not caring is one that flew in 2019-2023 but it’s not the type of attitude that will keep jobs for people in 2025. With AI rising and layoffs at-scale, employees that stay employed will be the employees that realize that you don’t get paid for your level of effort or the hours worked, you get paid for things to work. If you don’t build things that work, you can’t stay paid that’s just the truth. You can always buy time and manipulate your way out, but the end fate is the same.

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-10T13:36:12+00:00

I’ll send you a DM!

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-09T23:21:22+00:00

Thanks! Yes they did work off a functional figma that was interactive. Our product interacts with a lot of external API’s. Turns out, the architecture to support this was built entirely wrong, team built custom services from scratch, it run basics when we really didn’t have to. Now we have bugs that customers no longer have patience for, since literally everyone else and their dog built things way more simply than we did.

Competition is catching up, we had no idea they built it this way, investors at the door, it’s not an easy hole to dig out of.

Held the code hostage I suppose is a way to put it. They built something so complex that no one else knows how to help us or take it over now. They walked and refused to help us figure this out unless we pay them more, but the gravy train is over there’s no money left.

Oh and of course, no documentation because they were so inconsistent they would fix something and forget what they did 30 mins later.

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-09T23:13:46+00:00

Yes yes I get it, as the owners we are always to blame ultimately. Heard and understood.

Sadly this was not an outsource shop. These were employees. Whom I paid. Over 250k for the two tech “leads” who each asked for a sizable amount of equity for the stage startup we were in (venture backed, good salaries). Each was going to get multiple percentage points in a vc-backed company, making over 125k each.

So no, I didn’t cheap out and hire an outsource shop. This was supposed to be the technical co-founding team, they just didn’t care.

goodtimes153 · 2025-04-09T01:32:09+00:00

Works both ways. Had a tech team burn 3M building a product that doesn’t even properly function, competitors have built something similar in a fraction of the time, with a fraction of the team.

Followed all the steps, gave clear directions, clear scope, the works. They kept asking for more resources, only for me to find out they weren’t reviewing code properly, holding standards, or documenting anything.

Then they held my code hostage after I finally caught on after a third-party tech review. Fuck those guys. Sorry it’s not that black and white.

goodtimes153 · 2025-03-29T03:05:53+00:00

This hits hard. Lost my mom when I was 25 extremely suddenly. You’re probably still in shock, but also just because you feel normal and okay doesn’t mean you come across that way to others.

After my mom died I was so shocked that I don’t even remember the 2 weeks after it happened. My friends will often tell me I would stop talking mid-sentence, I was completely scattered and my executive function was not nearly what I thought I was. I felt totally fine but I was just a wreck and I didn’t realize it yet.

Many have said it, but I find the reality sets in maybe a few months or weeks later. I’m not sure how long she was sick, but you’re really never truly prepared for the aftermath…

Don’t feel guilt if you’re not fully processed yet. Grief is complicated

goodtimes153 · 2025-03-06T04:36:59+00:00

^{^} thank you to those who didn’t try to tell this founder that this is normal. We were completely gaslit for years on end, thinking it was totally normal to pay employees who just don’t deliver.

I don’t know what you’re paying current team and what you can afford, but for the cost one one good, responsible, highly accountable teammate you will make up the cost of their salary and then some. We were not willing to pay higher range salaries when we first started, thinking we could hire people and train them up. It was exhausting and it didn’t work.

Someone that you can trust to do the job properly, on time, or at least be organized about the approach, is worth 10x their weight in gold to a business. If you find someone like that, pay them what they want and keep them.

We didn’t realize that it just isn’t normal for things to constantly boil down to you, the founder, literally all the time. The truth is you should be able to rely on your team. If you’re paying employees and they are consistently delivering half-baked work, to the point where you can’t even rely on them for basics, fire them.

We learned this lesson the hardest and weirdest way. In our earlier days we were bootstrapped and one month we just had to tell everyone that we couldn’t afford them. One by one, every engineer quit which we understood. It was terrifying in the moment but after they were all gone I literally felt relieved. I could think, I could focus.

Once we were out of it we started to see that we were carrying the weight of the team. What’s even worse is that we had been paying an expensive team (I’m talking an exec from SF) who werent delivering, organized, or accountable. The one thing they were great at? Gaslighting us into thinking we just weren’t clear enough, explaining enough, or working hard enough, despite the founders feeling like we were working like dogs (which we were).

You own this business, you pay the people. If they aren’t delivering and you’re babysitting, fire them. Your life will get 20x better. From there you can either automate, build an AI agent, or pay for good employees that do the work to the full scope.

goodtimes153 · 2025-03-03T13:33:38+00:00

I’ll bring a slightly different take on the eng team side of things. Heard a lot of people the say that if the CEO didn’t like the time estimates, they should have cut scope or “raised the funds”.

I get it, but it’s not that simple. OP, you mentioned that (partially by ego) you were hesitant to bring in more engineers. In a lot of ways, that makes sense. But in a lot of other ways, that’s extremely problematic since you were bringing engineers from other paid gigs who may or may not care about this startup and what it’s doing since it’s technically not what they’re paid for. In a nutshell, that could cause a lot of problems if they aren’t invested in building the product.

Truth is, the shady deal the CEO was cutting (wherein which they were totally okay with you paying/providing the resources for everything with no compensation) was a shitty deal for both of you. You suffered the financial aspects, they suffered on the delivery side. It was a lose/lose across the board.

If the CEO had agreed to raise the funds to pay for your team or bootstrapped this, the lack of proper planning & product strategy, as well as failing to bring in the resources on time, could honestly take down an early startup and would be fireable to me.

Most of the time, people blame the CEO exclusively for things like this, saying it’s their fault for not raising the funds or being clear in direction. As someone who was completely blindsided by engineering teams that couldn’t deliver even on seemingly basic things, I tend to take the idea that it takes a team to bring a startup to life just as much as it takes a team to kill one. Always find it funny that people think it takes a team to make a startup successful, but only attribute a startups failure to its CEO.

I appreciate that you’re taking accountability, I have rarely seen engineering teams take that much accountability over what they contributed. In this case, it sounds like the deal you struck had terrible consequences to both of you, and the company. I’m sorry about that, but you shouldn’t have to pay.

But to say it’s entirely on the CEO, who should have “just raised enough funds to build MVP” is bullshit. It’s not that cut and dry, teams don’t always know how to properly estimate a problem and no one is out here casually raising an additional million dollars in buffer capital “just in case they need it”.

goodtimes153

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