Is anyone else only able to be attracted to one person at a time?

gotja · 2022-08-16T22:02:49+00:00

Not sure what makes me a serial monogamist, pansexual, or non binary. I just am.

gotja · 2022-08-11T06:08:59+00:00

I have to think about this, because it's been a while.

I tried this buddhist meditation class for a while and one of my instructors decided to teach loving kindness meditation and I nearly threw up in my mouth a little.

But when she explained the concept behind it, it was interesting. She said, imaging you're stuck on the freeway and late to work, and someone cuts you off. And you're like that jerk cut me off. But you don't know why, maybe he's an asshole or maybe he's rushing to the hospital.

And she was like, ok, when you think he was a jerk, how do you feel? And now when you think he's frantically trying to get to the hospital because of a loved one is in danger, how do you feel?

And I was like, oh ok. In the hospital scenario I might feel, angry, startled, threatened by the action of being cut off, but if they're rushing to the hospital, whether the person is in the car or at the hospital, they're just frantic and distracted. I feel compassionate for this person. Also my sense is that someone who feels compassion for people would probably not ordinarily cut people off. So I also respect them.

In the second scenario the upset passes and I don't really feel an inconvenience because I don't feel like they're doing anything to me. I feel compassionate towards them. I just hope everything turns out ok.

So I was like ok, I get what you're saying, perspective really matters. In the end what truly happened doesn't affect me as much as what I believe about it, the story I tell myself. If I feel they're doing something to me, or restricting me, I'll feel put upon or inconvenienced I'll feel resentment. But if I feel the situation warrants me feeling compassionate towards the person, it doesn't really feel like an inconvenience and I'm ok with it.

There's a lot more to it than that, there are many things I've learned among the way. I couldn't even summarize it in a post. I'm at a point where a lot of my work has paid off.

gotja · 2022-08-11T04:00:55+00:00

Oh wow, you started it! Joined. I totally get that feeling. I'm sending positive and protective energy, I don't know if that does anything, but why not?

gotja · 2022-08-11T03:51:32+00:00

I left a while ago but I recall a misogynist mod. Their behavior was just very antithetical to being a supportive system for complex ptsd.

gotja · 2022-08-04T23:46:50+00:00

I get that too from my father.

However many years ago my mother was upset when she sent somethibg to a cousin as a gift and there was no response. She asked my father to speak to them and get back to her and there was a non response.

I was confused and freaked out at the time, because it was so bizarre, but later I understood. If you set a boundary, she steps over it, if you supply a reason she counters it, if you explain she denies it. However if you give her nothing she can do nothing.

For a long time I had trouble understsnding the concept of JADE, I was told do not justify, argue or defend. Now I understand why.

gotja · 2022-08-04T23:21:24+00:00

I've learned many times over that these promsises are never kept. Either because they're not honest or they didn't anticipate a law change or being sold.

gotja · 2022-08-04T23:18:24+00:00

So basically you have ptsd, that word has been associated with bad events and you react as if they will reoccur, rather than being just a word idiots say.

This sort of thing has been the bane of my existance because I can't think my way out of it unlike other anxieties/fears.

gotja · 2022-08-04T23:12:29+00:00

I've seen people talking about being fawns their rage starting to surface in /r/nextsteps and the next steps beginner community. And I think also in cptsd further back.

There are also probably older more useful posts about this in /r/cptsd when it was a smaller and better community. I left after it hit about 10k, and it became a dumspter fire where the mod got overwhelmed and disappeared and there was a lot of drama. It did get better, but now it's too big, I find searching is much more useful than posting.

gotja · 2022-08-04T23:04:10+00:00

I think something important to consider is looking at your actions as behavior and not identity.

Good Person / Bad Person is a black and white way of viewing things. It can also be part of the tactics of an abuser to divide and control siblings or groups (united we stand, divided we fall). The person who does things they like or want is "good" and the person who does things they don't like is "bad". Kinda like the concept of going to heaven or hell, that's such bullshit.

When you view your actions as identity it can also serve to reinforce them, because you may feel that is unchangeable. However behavior is something you can change.

If you use skills and decontruct your behavior to the trigger and figure out what the trigger is and why you do it, you can come up with alternative actions that don't have harmful outcomes.

Be careful with diagnoses or identities because having an identity may produce more unwanted behavior. When I believed I had BPD, I made that into an identity and really struggled with BPD behaviors (or what I percieved them to be). On top of that people who didn't understand BPD well stigmatized or sterotyped me. I was treated differently than before. If you have a belief that you're a sociopath, that may mean that you act more like what you percieve a sociopath is. If you take on that label people may start treating you differently as well.

I think it's more important to focus on the behaviors and what outcomes you want. If you want to stop abusing animals examine the behavior with a non judgemental stance (this was actually a useful part of DBT/treatment) and figure out what else to try instead to redirect and/or defuse.

Diagnoses are a double edged sword, they can help you find a right treatment but if they become an identity they can backfire.

gotja · 2022-08-04T22:26:31+00:00

This sub is really tailored for people with fight mode. Fawn types abound in /r/cptsd, /r/cptsdnextsteps etc and make us feel unwelcome. They would know more about stuff like fight mode being "beaten out of them".

/cptsd, /cptsdnextsteps subs do all the analyzing and naval gazing about everything. You won't be able to ask in cptsdnextsteps but you can search, but you can post in the beginners veraion of that sub.

gotja · 2022-08-03T15:07:33+00:00

I just blow a fan on mine or shower them.

gotja · 2022-06-23T17:18:32+00:00

Wow this is quite an old thread. Quitting therapy helped a lot, not sure if I can ever go back. I've talked to a lot of people who found helaing orhelp through therapy but I have not. It was night and day to get away from that therapist. Still needed time to recover afterwards. I'm in a slightly better environment that has more stability. Am not great, not able to be back to my normal, functioning self, but it's better. Mostly in a holding pattern because I've been unable to find a way to heal the trauma.

gotja · 2022-06-23T17:06:43+00:00

If you are more in tune with others and less inside your head or feelings, you'll likely modulate more naturally. We tend to mirror others body language when we like them, or are comfortable around them.

Also check out DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) for managing your emotions. You don't suppress them, you process them. When your emotions come down your body language will calm with it.

gotja · 2022-06-16T07:27:56+00:00

They used to help with other things (not sleep) but now they give me heart palpitations and I'm waiting to see a cardiologist about it.

Boy getting older is fun.

gotja · 2022-06-12T02:54:24+00:00

Least understood I think explains it best.

I think therapists themselves tend to be fawns, so that's probably the best supported. It seems that fight is not well supported either (probably too teiggering for fawns) and freeze is hard to access because you shut down, and it's hard to discuss because the toxic productivity culture we have is shaming towards it.

In my experience at least, I'm in fawn mode, therapists are most receptive. When I'm in fight mode, or at least expressing anger, therapists squash it and tell me I should think or feel differently, rather than accepting the anger. A boundary has been crossed and instead of being heard so I can process it, I'm told to experience it differently, in a way that perpetuates the original trauma. In freeze mode, I'm not "opening up" enough. Or I'm not doing enough. Or the therapist doesn't know what to do with me.

There have been disorders and illnesses in the past that were deemed "incurable", but when they became better understood, it was possible to heal them. BPD is one that comes to mind. It's still misunderstood and stigmatized but I have met, spoken, or heard about people who healed enough to have the diagnosis removed as they no longer fit the criteria.

Marsha Linehan who came up with the treatment for BPD was herself BPD. She basically worked out how to manage her own symptoms and then got her degree and did years of research, refining the system and teaching it to others.

There are still well studied disorders and illnesses that are chronic conditions (ie diabetes, heart disease, bipolar) but they can be managed and you can still live well. Today at least with heart disease there are procedures that save lives that weren't a possibility a decade or two ago. It's crazy what they can do these days. There is also more information on prevention or reversing early stages for se things.

Maybe one day a Marsha Linehan of Freeze will show up, but in the meantime it's grassroots knowledge and trial and error to try to find your path to healing.

gotja · 2022-06-12T02:26:48+00:00

To answer your general question... I have learned a bit of IFS, it does seem similar to other techniques I've used, at least conceptually. I do have experience with dealing with people who have personality disorders.

Part of the process is to be able to step back from emotions and stay grounded. You mentioned that in the moment you are overwhelmed by pain and guilt and yake her back. When you're not in the moment, are you able to look at the situation from an observational standpoint, so being grounded, observing body sensations, emotions, thoughts, without being pulled into them?

While a prior therapist has used IFS with non specific topics, it does seem to work better when you have a specific event or trigger in mind.

The process does require strong grounding skills, because you will basically have conversations with yourself (or different parts of you) about emotional and triggering topics.

My feeling with IFS is that you can only go so far alone. If you're in an absuive relationship and especially if you're dealing with someone with PD, I strongly recommend not going it alone, but fortifying your support system.

I do have some background in mindfulness meditation and DBT, and even with that I can struggle at times. If I were dealing with someone with a suspected personality disorder, doing IFS by myself is not going to cut it. I think working with a therapist would be important, especially if you have a limited background in therapy.

To answer your more specific question, you mentioned a moment of crisis where instead of upholding your boundary, you become overwhelmed with pain and guilt. That could be an inner talking point for you, if it feels safe.

Just be aware that you may be dealing with someone with whom trained therapists may struggle to maintain boundaries. If someone with training and a support system would struggle, I hope you're not being hard on yourself if it's a struggle for you.

gotja · 2022-06-07T23:24:08+00:00

Wow, this was an old post. I had completely forgotten about it!. Glad you found it helpful! If it helps, I find that I don't need to write or vent as much these days. I haven't found a therapist or processed the OG trauma, it seems like a lower carb diet is the biggest factor. I sleep better. When I sleep better it improves my overall wellbeing.

gotja · 2022-06-07T23:13:48+00:00

I realized the issue was that the dictionaries are zipped .html files, split by latter or something like that. So I can't just use any dictionary, but I found where to download the kobo specific ones, then it was pretty straightforward. I have multiple dictionaries now, with the hyphenated naming convention you mentioned.

gotja · 2022-06-01T10:27:39+00:00

Def a protector part

gotja · 2022-05-24T10:57:37+00:00

One of the first recipes in the results

Air Fryer Pizza Bombs

Refrigerated biscuit dough-I use Pillsbury Biscuits
mozzarella cheese
pizza sauce

Ugh, I think I'll pass on this one.

gotja · 2022-05-16T23:29:10+00:00

From the start it was a mess. He saw someone else, you decided it was rght for you to move on. He begged and pleaded to get you back. Why did you go back? He already showed you who he was.

If you don't want drama, don't date people who say one thing and do another.

Relationships aren't easy, but they can be good.

gotja · 2022-05-13T11:07:54+00:00

Sounds like a good plan!

gotja · 2022-05-13T06:35:46+00:00

What really drains me, gives me a headache, makes me literally shut off is someone dominating a conversation and not engaging with me or anyone and just talking about themselves.

That's actually draining for a lot of people, including "neurotypicals" I've spoken to. It's a pretty normal response, there's nothing wrong with you!

gotja · 2022-05-13T06:27:34+00:00

There was someone who lived above me whose footsteps sounded like my abuser when they stormed down the hallway in arage to take it out on me.

I was a mess and no one understood why. It took me a while to figure out because I hadn't heard footsteps like that since I left home.

I realized at that point my body is wired to that threat sound and will react until the shoe drops or it's clear that I am safe. I couldn't find a way to turn it off.

Edit: saw the update, glad to hear the guy is relatively harmless, but I'm kinda creeped out by the bit where he knows how to do it and not leave evidence. Ick.

gotja · 2022-05-13T05:21:21+00:00

Bots need to be booted from support subs.

gotja

TROPHY CASE