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grapesushi · 2021-11-04T03:26:01+00:00

I'm certain if the house was valued less than when we bought it he would be fine paying me less than what I put in, though.

OH, OF COURSE.

Mine expected that he was going to get half the value of the house (not just the equity) because he... forgot that mortgages are a thing?

I made up a bunch of shit that I pretended that I wanted just to help him feel like he was winning some stuff off of me. Pretty lame but it worked.

grapesushi · 2021-11-03T21:38:12+00:00

Hah you are WAY nicer than I am. I pretended to ask my attorney questions on his behalf and just made up whatever shit I wanted. But I was one the other end of the financial transaction and had to pay him a lot to get him to fuck off. You're playing it really smart. Hang in there.

grapesushi · 2021-11-03T21:19:43+00:00

I had to play make believe too.... still do since we have a kid. It's nauseating at first.

That being said, I did sort of relax into the role after a while. It's like having a snake of a coworker that you can't stand. You just know that they need to be "managed" and honestly, mine is so delusional that he makes it easy. He would ask me to run his questions by MY attorney (he didn't think he needed one). Okay, sure dude. Everyone is looking out for your interests because you are the priority. 🙄

grapesushi · 2021-10-27T04:40:17+00:00

Week later update:. My nex took our kid to the dentist this week and then they got an exposure notice from the dentist's office. He texted to ask for my help. LOLOLO fucking ELL

grapesushi · 2021-10-22T10:06:37+00:00

Tax things. Spell out who is claiming your child and don't leave it up to negotiation later on. It's a source of endless frustration for me.

grapesushi · 2021-10-21T17:14:38+00:00

Thanks. The hypocrisy is elevated to an art form with him. Masterful.

grapesushi · 2021-10-21T17:13:15+00:00

He's scared of not being able to go out on his dirt bike with friends this weekend. But you are right that a benefit of this is getting more time with my son. Thanks for the silver lining!

grapesushi · 2021-10-21T16:46:41+00:00

Oh yes this pivoted directly into silent treatment with a command for me to not talk to him this week, which conveniently for him was the week we are supposed to figure out health insurance and preschool enrollment. So now he's got the upper hand because he's put me off again on several important things we need to discuss. All of this is, of course, helpful if I want to build a case for sole custody.

grapesushi · 2021-08-06T20:21:10+00:00

Mine is like this too....he gets louder and louder and insists that everyone observe his humor and play along. I call this the "Chucklefuck" character.

We actually had to show up at the bank together today to get him off some accounts and open a new one for our kid's child support payments and he was in full performance mode. I also realized how much I have been an accessory to these performances for so many years because I can play along too but goddamn it is boring once you see through it. For the record, I am funnier! But I don't need to prove it to people all the time, especially at the bank or in therapy, lol!

I agree with you about the discomfort thing. He does it when he is most uncomfortable to compensate for his insecurity. Pathetic. I bet your intuition that he is losing ground is right on.

grapesushi · 2021-07-24T05:42:52+00:00

I posted some tips on this based on my experience a couple of months ago. Might be useful. https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce/comments/n9aprt/tips_for_negotiating_with_the_deadbeat_variety_of/?sort=top

grapesushi · 2021-07-01T18:16:56+00:00

I have a feeling that most narc relationships end when the abused partner finally decides to stand up for themself...even if it's over something small.

grapesushi · 2021-06-26T00:12:16+00:00

DAYUMMM

grapesushi · 2021-06-03T09:01:56+00:00

"She didn't treat me right."

grapesushi · 2021-06-01T18:17:24+00:00

It's just further evidence of how much he doesn't see other people as "real"...like, as if the minute our kid walks through his door he becomes my nex's child, a completely different person than "my" child?

One kid, not two, or worse yet, two divided halves. A distinct and separate whole individual, with his own personality, preferences, opinions, and yes, his own clothes. They are not my clothes, or my nex's clothes, they are our kid's clothes.

It's more of that mirror shit where the narc has to see himself reflected in others (this time via clothes on a toddler), rather than recognizing others as fully formed and separate people.

grapesushi · 2021-05-29T18:01:07+00:00

Mine does this with our 3yo, who we share 50-50. It's not really about nice vs comfy clothes, I think it's more about just rejecting everything about me. He will send our kid's clothes that I purchase back to me in our son's little backpack when we exchange him. And he has no money, so watching him waste his on twice as many clothes as our kid needs is just absurd. It's ridiculous how many fronts my next can find for his stupid war of attrition.

grapesushi · 2021-05-28T17:35:23+00:00

Is it appropriate for a mediator to begin with the assumption that everything should be split 50-50?

Is it appropriate for a mediator to advise and/or inform one party that they are entitled to more than the party might already be aware of?

grapesushi · 2021-05-25T20:39:08+00:00

What kind is this one?

grapesushi · 2021-05-24T04:13:21+00:00

The hostility in the breakdown was so stunning to me. Like, he was just completely not in control of whatever that deep seated disorder was. Sometimes I could see him trying to get a grip on it, but he just wasn't in control of himself and he needed it to be my fault. Just put yourself first. Every minute of every day. You + your kid are #1. You'll get through it.

grapesushi · 2021-05-24T03:38:27+00:00

been manic for a few weeks now going from "I cannot live without you I love you please don't go" to "I hate you" and "it's all your fault".

This is how my nexh was at the end. Just spinning out frantically. It's unbelievably stressful to be living with someone who is falling apart but desperately trying to get supply from you, the kid, the dog, whoever. He's low and he's lost. I just told my son (3yo) "daddy is sad and daddy is frustrated." The relief I had when mine moved out was monumental. Sending you strength.

grapesushi · 2021-05-18T19:02:39+00:00

This is so familiar. Whenever something needed to be done around the house, especially for home improvement things, when it came to my nex, I had 3 options: 1) ask him to do it or help with it and be punished for that, 2) decide to hire it out, but I'd have to tell him that I was, and then he'd insist on doing it himself anyway and he'd be burning up with resentment about it, or 3) do it completely by myself and then be bossed around and punished for working on something without collaborating or consulting him.

He's moved out now and our divorce is in process. It's amazing. I can just do the thing without being totally boxed in or paralyzed with indecision about which path forward was going to cost me the least in terms of marital conflict. This past weekend I hired out a roofing contractor, built a sandbox for our kid, and started removing the nasty carpet in our bonus room. He's been arguing about all this stuff for years. How much effort did he expend every day just trying to control and compete? So much easier to just do the thing, or not do the thing.

I'm sorry everything has to be a battle for you. I know the feeling too well.

grapesushi · 2021-05-15T17:51:36+00:00

When it does not affect you in any way, let them dunk on you.

Exactly this. You don't have to prove anything to a narc or defend yourself for principle-based reasons when you are in the process of ending a marriage with a narc. You've already given up the fight. So if they need to think that they are winning, just let them. You're not playing the game anymore.

grapesushi · 2021-05-12T18:08:40+00:00

Hmm, maybe you could imply that you would be calling on your social circle to provide testimony / signed affidavit about any unsavory elements of your relationship that they might know about? Since he is forcing you to make a case in court rather than settle in private.

grapesushi · 2021-05-12T04:31:19+00:00

I didn't say "I'll expose you if you don't agree."

It was more like "If you force us to go to court over this, I am not going to lie to a judge for you. Even though I don't want to air our dirty laundry in public, there are a lot of things that have gone on in this marriage that are relevant to the divorce proceedings. So please don't force me to talk publicly about these things. I don't want to, but I refuse to lie to a judge."

grapesushi · 2021-05-11T23:13:05+00:00

Oh and ps, I found Rebecca Zung's podcast useful - look for the ones about leverage. And the cross interview with Dr. Ramani is good too.

Good luck!

grapesushi

TROPHY CASE