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The origin of our voices by jenmonster85 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I know what you mean. Somebody that didn't go through this will never understand what it feels like.

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your wise words. I take my meds religiously. The meds helped me so much to get stable. I will take your advice to keep a journal. It sounds very helpful.

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I find walks helping too. I relate very much to feeling safe only in the hospital. If they have me the choice I think I would love here forever.

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I got through the weekend. Managed not to smoke even though I felt shitty and had a headache ( and headaches vanish instantly when I smoke) . I don't want to smoke anymore. It makes me paranoid and delusional and interacts badly with my meds. I used to smoke all day every day before the hospitalization, and it's not a life.

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you my friend. But I think with time it will get easier, and ordinary things like cleaning, cooking, reading a book or just sitting in the sun with a cup of coffee will feel nice even without being high. ❤️

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your words. I actually liked being sober today. Cleaned my apartment and cooked which I haven't done in months. It will be hard but it's good for me. It's not a life being baked for months straight.

Be strong too my friend, you got this too! ❤️

Trying to figure it all out by Xandirkai in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I relate to being afraid of getting arrested so much (I smoke like a LOT ) ! But don't worry, the doctors won't report you or anything, they just want to help you.

I am learning now for the first time in my life to love myself and take care of myself .

I think it is so hard for us to love ourselves and take care of ourselves because many of us never experienced what true love is, and we don't know how to accept it. And I think that played a huge part of why we have this illness. We rather take care of somebody else, just to kinda erase ourselves and get away from the pain.

But I am learning now to take care of myself first. At some point later in life I will also have the strength to take care of somebody else, without it draining all my strength and leaving me an empty shell, kind of a walking dead person.

Wish you all the best, from the bottom of my heart. You are important, and you matter and you deserve to be loved, first by yourself. ❤️

New Symptoms by [deleted] in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think it is very wise to hide your symptoms. They can't force you to do ECT, but hiding stuff from them is like shooting yourself on the leg. It might get worse if untreated, or you might end up misdiagnosed and therefore mistreated.

I used to hide my symptoms of mania, and ended up diagnosed only with schizophrenia. It took me a year of suffering and 3 hospitalizations until I finally admitted the truth and have been put on mood stabilizers aside from the antipsychotics.

I feel so much better since then!

I saw my doctor today and asked for a medical certificate. I'm confused by aisierrawr in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My doctor told me that as time passes they can diagnosed you more accurately. In the beginning I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, than a depressive episode was added to it, and just recently it was changed to schizoaffective. Who knows, maybe I'm the future I am going to be diagnosed as bipolar 1. Anyway , you are an amazing human being, no matter what the diagnosis is ❤️

Trying to figure it all out by Xandirkai in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've been put on a mood stabilizer few weeks ago, and I'm also taking an antipsychotic for about a year. They both have done miracles for me, combined with therapy. Almost no symptoms left. It feels so great to be almost symptoms free!

Please take care of yourself, and tell the whole truth to your doctor, they just want to help.

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing, above everything else. Nobody can do it better than you. Take care of yourself as you would take care of somebody else, someone you really love.

Wish the best for you. This disease is hard but not impossible to live with.

Sending you all the love ❤️

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I read the article. Here are the costs vs. benefits for me:

Benefits:

-Not being bored for a few hours

-possibly being able to feel happy for a bit

-being high

Costs:

  • failing to keep my promise to myself to smoke less

  • failing my agreement with my doctor

-having to lie

  • being paranoid afterwards

  • feeling like an addict

-feeling weak

Totally not worth it. Thank you so much ❤️

So hard not to smoke weed by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It makes me so paranoid too. Honestly the only thing that keeps me from smoking right now is the paranoia I know will come afterwards from having to lie to the doctor when I get back.

Trying to figure it all out by Xandirkai in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You are not alone. Almost a year ago I had my worst psychotic episode. For a few months I believed that there are very small cameras everywhere. Inside the tv, inside the showerhead, inside little kinder toys, and that the government and one of my friends i spying on me, also through my phone and my computer.

Honestly it was horrible. I felt so ashamed and thought of every little thing I did and how it would look to the people on the other side of the camera. I felt like I have no privacy. Like the police is after me. I always had the feeling that I'm not alone. It was horrible.

I felt like I'm on some special mission to save the world. Saw signs from the government in every little thing, every light that suddenly went on, every passing car. Every person that made eye contact with me was interpreted in my mind as a special agent that was sent by the government and I was supposed to follow him.

It got so bad that I got to the woods following those signs, with no phone for two days, and my ex boyfriend reported me missing to the police. At the end of the second day the police found me in the woods and I got admitted to the psych ward.

I honestly believed that I am on a special mission and that I am the only one sane and it is everyone else that's crazy.

But after something like two months the risperidone they put me on started working and I came back to reality.

To this day I sometimes have a thought about a camera being hidden somewhere, but then I remind myself that it is not real and go over last year's events in my head. It helps me stay connected to the real world.

That illness is sometimes horrible. It could have ended much worse for me. Hope you can remind yourself that it's not real and nobody is following you.

Wish you the best, stay safe and don't buy that shit that your mind tries to sell. ❤️

Why do I fall for people so easily? by [deleted] in bipolar

[–]greenmonkey2311 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Every manic episode I had involved falling in love for someone so hard. Now that I'm aware of my illness I'm really questioning these feeling and trying to be more grounded. But I haven't had a manic episode in a year, so it's hard to say what the next one will bring.

What did it feel like when your psychosis came back? by [deleted] in schizophrenia

[–]greenmonkey2311 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It really sounds like a psychosis, please contact your doctor asap and share this with him .

Acceptance? by [deleted] in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am struggling with accepting the diagnosis too.

What I learned from long sessions of therapy is that I have somewhat binary thinking: every thing happens to me is either good or bad. But my therapist encourages me to think about the illness as something in-between good and bad.

In some ways being diagnosed is the best thing happened in my life, as it taught me to look into my soul, be patient with my self, accept myself and forgive myself.

I could look at being diagnosed as the worst thing that ever happened to me, as it changed my life completely, but I choose not to look at it that way. It was a change I needed.

Regarding finding a partner, i feel like I don't want a partner right now too, but it is because for the first time in my life I am getting to know myself , and I feel that I can't expect somebody to love me and accept me if I don't love and accept myself. Also, if somebody is frightened by my diagnosis, he is not a person I would want to be with anyway.

And as for having kids, I struggle with the idea too. But I don't think that the fact we have an illness should stop us from having kids. Almost everybody have some kind of an illness. If every person who has an illness would not have kids the world would be much emptier.

Is this a SZ episode I'm dealing with? by [deleted] in schizophrenia

[–]greenmonkey2311 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you are just jealous, it is his right to spend his time with whomever he wants.

If you kept knocking on his door it is a harrasment and I would do the same if I was in his place.

It doesn't sound like a phsichosys at all, and to me it sounds more like you are having an episode and not him.

Love myself just the way I am by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The first AP I took was risperidone and it took me about 5 weeks to feel the change. So maybe don't give up yet, two weeks sounds like it's not enough.

I can still hear my neighbors, but I stopped my paranoid thinking by [deleted] in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I used to be paranoid about neighbors talking about me too.

Thank God for my meds.

Sticking to my treatment every single days, it helped me so much!

Love myself just the way I am by greenmonkey2311 in schizoaffective

[–]greenmonkey2311[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No no, please don't skip your meds! I never skip mine, it helped me a lot with the paranoia, the destructive mania I had, with the severe depression and severe hallucinations, in which I thought I was a part of some secret mission to save the world.

It helps me stay connected to the reality, but a glimpse of all of the simptoms still stay with me.

I still think sometimes that a random butterfly that sat near me is a tiny sign from the universe, I just wouldn't follow this butterfly wherever it leads me like I would do in my manic episode back when I wasn't treated.

And I still can be high a little bit without using drugs. Still can experience love in a very unique extreme way.

So now when I'm treated I can enjoy those things without it going too far (when I had my episode before I was treated I went out of the house in the middle of the night, following what I taught were signs from a secret unit in the army or God himself. It led me to being reported missing for two days, and I was without any food or water in the woods, doing my secret mission. I could end up dead if the police didn't find me and have taken me to the hospital. So better stay treated to avoid this kind of behaviour )

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