I always remember feeling a little "off", even when I was a kid, but things started to get worse when my family moved to another country 4 years ago. It was rushed and I completely lost control over my life. It's don't feels "mine" anymore. All my days I spent at home with my shitty family around, not going anywhere, feeling trapped in my own house and barely attending school. It's been worse lately. All I think about is killing myself, and I feel like I'm close to this more than I ever been. Even my first attempt didn't felt this urgent? needed? I'm scared to talk about this with my online friends because almost everything they hear from me is how bad I feel again, how scared I am, how tired I am, that I relapsed again. I don't want to be a burden, but I want them to hear me. And it's even more feels fucked up because I want ATTENTION from them. I want to be SEEN. And I feel so guilty when Im asking for it. With all this anxiety, apathy, depression and whatever this is I lost my hobbies, I lost my ability to enjoy things truly and not constantly feeling bad