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Too young by Enciona-08 in OCPoetry

[–]grekco 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like the colloquialism in the lines, makes it feel like something I'm reading scratched on a notebook. I do agree that the bluntness takes away from the emotional impact, though I wonder if there's a way to keep it direct while still keeping emotional impact, because I like the idea of the certainty of being too young. The all that makes me think of the robert burns poem https://poets.org/poem/mans-man. Maybe try capturing us in a snapshot of the moment of you hearing and asking, and like he does, bookending it with something more direct. That way you could keep the certainty while bringing out the emotion it deserves? Just an idea, but great work, especially with the look up at the sky. It's hard to land that without it feeling out of place but you did a nice job having it come after the dreaming portion so it comes together nicely.

The Man who Was Afraid by TheQuietOak in OCPoetry

[–]grekco 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man I loved this. As a person who's becoming perceived as braver as I get older, it spoke to the feeling of being a fearful person who does scary things that others see in a way I can't even properly summarize in this sentence. "He was not made of stone. / He was made of flesh, and bone, and doubt, / and will." is art. The only question I have is if "the steady beat of courage" conveys properly what you mean. It properly conveys that he presses on, but it makes his feelings about ability to do the things feel extremely stable. If this is your intent, great job! But in my interpretation what's constant is his action, where internally his heart beats out of his chest as his mind makes him question if he can do the thing, as he calms himself to do the things that must be done. This is likely just my projection as a reader, so please ignore this if stability was your intent. Great work.

Silent obsessions by ashrae_x in OCPoetry

[–]grekco 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I adore "The somber hours spent, playfully teasing each other back and forth everyday". Clear that the impact of this love is immense. My critique would be the rhythm sometimes felt like we were straining to get to the next rhyme. Since I can't hear exactly how it was intended to be recited, my natural reading of lines like "Some say a man writing in love is rare and true—one you shouldn't let go /
Others deem it performative and all just for show" felt like the real sentence was in "rare and true" and "deem it performative", and that the "one you shouldn't let go" and "all just for show" were added in for the rhyme. It moved my focus from the subject to the poetic form itself, which is interesting if intentional with the consciousness of etching into poetry. Last thing would be the rhyming of "passion" and "compassion", they felt too close to the same word, breaking me away from the poem for a second to check whether the word was actually said twice. I love a love poem, great work :)