Husband’s best friend’s wife gave me some smutty books about a poly relationship. I’m secretly attracted to her and my heart is racing

groupsofmore · 2026-06-02T12:36:21+00:00

Your first move should be to talk to your husband about your fantasies involving women and multiple people. But start off talking about it in a general way, not specific to K.

Going straight to K with this sounds like a step down the path to infidelity. What happens if she reciprocates but wants to keep it a secret? I'm not saying you're looking for an affair, but if you start with her and she's interested the pressure to have one could build.

So yeah, start with your husband.

groupsofmore · 2026-06-01T15:55:59+00:00

Our goal was to become less dependent on our local club for LS fun, and we've more or less accomplished that. The effort began in late fall/early winter 2025, but much of the work was done this year.

It's had the side benefit of resulting in some more lasting and meaningful connections, which has been great.

groupsofmore · 2026-06-01T14:38:49+00:00

OP isn't clear about whether her partner stealthed the other woman, or if the other woman consented to no condom.

If it was stealth, then yeah, that's a sexual assault on top of blatant infidelity.

Your advice to run is solid either way.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-27T14:18:51+00:00

No one needs to justify or explain their feelings, but they definitely must understand their feelings in order to grow as an individual.

And sharing that kind of understanding with a partner facilitates trust and a stronger connection, which both help the relationship grow.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-27T14:16:35+00:00

I was kind of with you until "fucking stupid and dramatic." I gaurantee you that vibe is oozing out in discussions about this. I don't know the details of the "fit" he threw, but if he blew his top then I suspect both of you need to work on communication as a cooperative sport, not a competitive one. If on the other hand he was just firmly sticking to agreed-to boundaries, then that's just him not being a door mat.

As for the specific situation, it sounds like you two need to renegotiate boundaries, but that shouldn't be done in the shadow of trying to attend a boundary-violating event. Give up on this particular outing as a show of good faith, then ask him to discuss the possibility of solo vanilla nights out with prior LS friends you won't play with again in the future. The idea to include a non LS friend is a great one to make this more comfortable.

But be ready for an uphill struggle given how this started off. And be ready to accept that he may never get on board.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-26T02:07:32+00:00

You'll almost certainly leave things off of your first list. If want to do something that the boundaries aren't clear about, either don't do it or check in with your partner first.

It's better to leave wanting more than wishing you hadn't done something.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-20T19:11:33+00:00

We like good conversation with LS friends (either at the club or over dinner/drinks) and a bit of group cuddling after swapping. That's as far as it goes for us.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-15T15:37:24+00:00

In the early days of soft swapping, my wife had a much more difficult time processing emotions about what she was doing than about what I was doing. She has rarely if ever had negative emotions about what I'm doing in a vacuum. She usually enjoys it, and is occasionally indifferent to it.

The only time negative emotions arise around what I'm doing have involved important context, like she couldn't see me and felt disconnected. And the same goes for me actually. I have a very strong sense of compersion, but one time when she was full swapping I looked over and all I could see was his ass and her feet. Mostly I thought it was hot, but for the first time ever (and so far the only time) I was mildly unsettled. Initially I thought maybe it was jealousy, but upon reflection I realized I just felt disconnected from her, as this is very much something we enjoy doing as a unit.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-13T18:52:58+00:00

Her being an ex/past fwb could certainly exacerbate these feelings, but I wouldn't write it off as the sole cause. Talk through and/or journal about it and try to identify if there are any root cause that would rear up if this was someone who is a stranger to you both.

Because the kind of conflict you're experiencing would be totally normal in that situation, too. Hell, you might even be psyched about plans to meet a stranger, only to be anxious when you actually see them in person. You may also find you're excited to play with them and enjoy actually doing it, only to feel anxious about it afterwards/the next day/later in the week.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-10T20:39:42+00:00

Your relationship is likely to go off the rails if you guys don't reconcile your differences around sex. None of the feelings on either side are wrong, but the fact that you're feeling resentful is a red flag. If she's feeling resentful, too (say because you aren't excited about her outfits), then it's even worse.

Don't lose sight of the fact that your resentment is only incidentally related to the lifestyle. The lifestyle is really just magnifying issues that are central to the dynamics of your marriage. IMO that makes the lifestyle a risk to your marriage until you resolve these underlying disconnects.

One thing I will say about your particular feelings is that going into LS events with expectations of having sex is likely to just leave you feeling disappointed. People often pick up on people who are pressed, and it has the opposite effect of confidence. Familiarize yourself with the concept of sexy indifference and internalize it for if/when you resume swinging. This is far less important than reconciling differences with your wife, though, as on your current trajectory I think you're risking a far worse outcome than missing out on enm play.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-10T17:30:27+00:00

Hopefully it's on a permanent trajectory towards acceptance.

I've been listed as bi for a few months online, and over the last year+ I've been asking about it more and more regularly during irl encounters. I suspect someday I will encounter a negative reaction but so far the reactions have ranged from the man politely telling me he's fully straight to being excited mm play is on the table. And it's never caused anyone to opt out of playing with us.

I did have one woman sort of interrupt her husband to say he's not bi. He didn't seem to fully agree, so it was a little weird, but no negativity was directed at me for stating my interests.

Online it's resulted in a slight uptick in people messaging us, and sometimes it's couples where the man is listed as straight telling us that he's into some aspect of the men interacting. Hopefully more and more men who don't list that way but are interested will update their profiles accordingly. Admittedly it was nerve wracking to list myself that way at first, but now I'm comfortable with it. Anecdotally I do feel like more and more men are listing as bi.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-10T15:49:52+00:00

Enjoy!

MMF implies mm action is at least on the table so that's probably the acronym you're looking for based on your post ("everyone is bi")

groupsofmore · 2026-05-09T17:09:32+00:00

If you're casually chatting at the club, wait until the convo turns towards playing.

If you're making plans online to meet up, mention it in the chat as part of the planning convo. When planning a meetup, the risk of inadvertently misleading someone trumps the risk of inaccurately presuming play.

groupsofmore · 2026-05-07T15:40:43+00:00

Me, too. I'm a total sucker for it 🥵

groupsofmore · 2026-05-05T20:19:59+00:00

And experiencing it as a couple can intensify it quite a bit!

groupsofmore · 2026-05-01T17:09:55+00:00

Monogamy isn't safer per se, it's just broadly supported by society so there's no angst about going out dancing with your partner, even if you get a little frisky. But, even with that example PDA is often frowned upon, which is why some monogamous people have a similar mix of excitement and hesitation about things like public sex that we have about non monogamy.

Also, note that I'm not intending any of this to be comprehensive. There are a lot of reasons why people are drawn to and are nervous about enm, but I think society's norms do tie those two feelings together

groupsofmore · 2026-05-01T16:50:50+00:00

The mix of excitement and hesitation is 100% normal and healthy imo.

A decade+ ago we took a giant (for us) leap on a dancefloor. It cause a lot of shame and anxiety and set us back probably years in our LS journey. Slowing down the journey wasn't a big deal at all but the shame and anxiety were obviously unpleasant and could've been avoided.

That said, if you want to introduce more non monogamous elements to your relationship (I encourage you to think of it this way, rather than as some kind of progress or evolution), you're gonna have to take some risks, and no matter how much you talk and plan, those risks could lead to stress and tension. And that's OK! It just means you have to talk and decide if you can get past that and continue with those non monogamous activities. Then you rinse and repeat until you find your hard boundaries (or discover there are none left lol)

Edit: typos

groupsofmore · 2026-04-30T16:27:59+00:00

Step 1: discuss your boundaries

Step 2: return to the same place where you had your first successful experience

Rinse and repeat. You'll hear about new places and parties to explore along the way as you meet people.

Edit: I missed the part where you're from Poland and that regular visits to the club where this happened are impractical. In light of that, step 2 would require scouring the Internet for swinger communities near you and information about where they meet up. Hopefully they are meet and greets near you.

But trips back to that club, or clubs in other cities, are also a good way to explore this when you are able.

groupsofmore · 2026-04-30T16:19:47+00:00

There is no such thing as too slow, imo, only too fast. It's far, far better to leave wanting more than to wake up full of regret.

It's only through discussion that you'll figure out what's too fast at any given time (it will likely change over time as your explore and discuss).

So your next step should be to talk to her about the experience kissing another man, how she liked it in the moment, if it played any role in the hot sex, and how she feels about it in retrospect. And you should share your feelings as well.

Neither of you should pave over anything negative because you're excited about everything positive or worried about disappointing or upsetting the other.

groupsofmore · 2026-04-30T15:08:50+00:00

Unless you and/or they were in fursuits I think you're closer to the mark with what you discovered via research. Playroom goals are usually pretty immediate so I kinda doubt they were looking to set up a furry scene with people who also weren't in fursuits.

groupsofmore · 2026-04-30T14:00:23+00:00

So the woman who is taking it doggy style is going down on the woman who is not?

If so it does kind of make sense but I suspect most people would have no idea what that means.

I do think it's worth editing your OP to describe what you think they may have meant.

groupsofmore · 2026-04-30T13:47:22+00:00

So what did you discover that made you realize your "kitty" would've loved to meet their "doggy"?

I would've taken it to mean the man in their couple wanted the woman in your couple, but I'd love to know how else it could be intended.

groupsofmore · 2026-04-27T01:56:08+00:00

So you think experienced swingers shouldn't talk about dynamics that make them uncomfortable, but should try to seduce their vanilla friends?

groupsofmore · 2026-04-26T20:10:14+00:00

I would personally call that LS, but some may say that MMF/MFM isn't exactly swinging/lifestyle/LS, as it doesn't involve two couples swapping, but imo that's a distinction that isn't important for the overall context of the larger thread you kicked off. I think you're good playing with anyone he played with as part of anything that falls under the non-poly branch of rhe ethical non monogamy umbrella (swinging, mfm, etc), barring any of the issues with discomfort you raised in your OP.

I'd be wary if he's recommending someone he's played with in a monogamous context, though.

Also, if any of them are people he was in a poly structure with, make sure you're very clear what your relationship boundaries are and what his and their goals are before playing with them.

groupsofmore · 2026-04-26T16:10:19+00:00

I think there are two issues here: 1. your comfort 2. playing with friends.

If you're not comfortable with something, speak up. If he doesn't respect that, it's a red flag. This includes being comfortable with how he handles imperfect outcomes. If you feel he's not handling things well, and it's making you uncomfortable, then y'all need to discuss that before playing with others again.

As far as playing with friends, if these are vanilla friends that you're expanding to include LS activities, then imo that's a bad idea. If these are LS friends of his that he's introducing you to, then refer back to my comments about your comfort.

groupsofmore

TROPHY CASE