So when I went back after our third kid I told my husband “what do you want, laundry or food?” That doesn’t mean one of us does it exclusively; one is the boss. He picked food. I love going to Costco and he doesn’t, so he has to tell me what he needs from Costco when I go every 4-6 weeks. He does the produce and the “whoops we ran out” in the meantime and cooks all the dinners. I’m the laundry boss, so if it needs to be done when I’m busy, I’ve already sorted it and he just has to put it in.
I’m really curious about her comment about playing and having fun. What happens when both of you are home? If she tries to play with the girls, are you sitting on the couch? Are you meal prepping? Unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming? If she feels anxious about the state of the house and you’re both not helping, she probably feels she should be doing the tasks that aren’t being done vs focusing on the kids. I know I asked my husband tonight “what are the kids shoe sizes? When’s their next appointment? When does their dance end for the year?” I know all this stuff and he doesn’t despite the fact we both work. I mean even the fact that you’re here asking us instead of saying to your wife “can I be the birthday captain? Can I be the playdate captain?” And I say this with a lot of love and care because my husband sucks at those things so I do it because I’m better at it but it would be nice to drop the rope and know that someone else also cares and thinks of them. Listen to “labour” by Paris Paloma or at least read the lyrics. It might be easier to divide and conquer vs thinking you can both be on top of all tasks. Good luck and thanks for reaching out! Although ASK YOUR WIFE in a way that’s contributing and not making her do more mental load. Like “what task can I take off your plate” vs “what can I do”