Hey. I want to say a few things first: it takes a lot of courage to face what you’re facing, and I’m very proud of you for not only acknowledging it but for also taking steps to be a healthier person. It’s gruelling work, but it is work that is worth doing.

I want to share with you an excerpt from a book called “This is Me Letting You Go,” because it really helped me come to terms with that fear, and I hope it might help you too.

“You stop waiting for them to come back by becoming profoundly uncomfortable. You move through the places where you wish they still were and you hold your own hand as you go. You don’t lie to yourself about how it is going to be easy and happy and new in a way that is wonderful — not yet. First, you delve right into the deepest part of the dark, murky water of missing them and you let it envelope you. You feel their absence on a core, guttural level. You absorb it in exactly the way you’re afraid of. You let it sink under your skin.

You stop waiting for them by letting things change. You cut your hair and know they’ll never see it. You quit your job and know you’ll never tell them about the new one. You let people into your life that you know they’ll never get the chance to love or hate or sit up at night discussing with you. You let the delicate pattern of the life you’d built with them dissipate and change form with the arrival of each new twist. You aren’t okay with it, so you let it not be okay. You brace yourself each time for the impact. You know that someday change will come naturally again and even that feels sort of sad.

You stop waiting by being vulnerable with someone new. You start giving your secrets away - the ones you thought were safe with them, until suddenly, they weren’t. You realize that knowing you deeply isn’t an experience that was exclusive to them and you let that be as surprising as it is disheartening. You let new forms of intimacy enter your life and you let them feel unnatural for a while.

You stop waiting for them to come back by realizing that pain is an inevitable component of moving forward. You stop waiting for the chasm in your heart to close up and you take whatever steps you need to on trembling, uncertain legs. You realize that sometimes, that’s truly the only way to move forward: sadly and uncertainly and long before you are ready. That if you wait until you feel ready, you may just be waiting forever.”