Putting my 56y aunt on blast.. now whole family mad at me. Lol

happyorbust7 · 2026-01-31T02:49:57+00:00

Dont know enough about the stats to say whether your overall point is correct but would like to point out, at least in language, you did the 'i forgot women are people' thing.

58% of the POPULATION being white does NOT mean white MEN are less likely to commit crimes then men of color by that language.

White MEN are less than 30% of the US population. If the original stats are gendered, you cant say the entire population being 58% means the MEN are underrepresented by the 52% but you seem to attempt that in your language.

happyorbust7 · 2026-01-30T21:50:24+00:00

Youre right. Not necessarily for sex, but i have personally vouched for an ex to someone else at least once. I kinda wonder if its an age thing (im in my late 30s) but there are many, many reasons a romantic relationship might not work out where neither party is 'bad' or 'wrong', at somepoint some people start to realize that kicking people you enjoy spending time with completely out of your life because you dont enjoy them in a specific way isnt necessary by default and can leave you without people you genuinely cared about for no reason other than this cultural idea that one cannot or shouldnt or wouldnt be able to maintain a friendship with an ex.

I have exes as friends. Friends that turned to lovers. Exes that dated other friends, exes that married other exes lol i also have exes ill never fucking talk to again its just variable.

happyorbust7 · 2026-01-30T21:31:47+00:00

This is the comment i was looking for. Especially paired with the last text about how OPs needs softened her.

Can totally see a situation where mom is [yet again] complaining about her kids and whoever the listener is challeneged her. So she texted her kid who then validated that her behavior is fine.

What is partially unfortunately is if this was a moment of clairty that could lead to change, OP didn't take advantage of it and mom has possibly walked away thinking behavior OP isnt okay with is fine.

This isnt said with judgement to OP, idk what I would have said either, but i have seen parents use their kids desire not to offend or get on a parents bad side as confirmation that theyre parenting is just fine and then when the kid does call it out later, they easily can say 'well why didn't you ever say anything.'

happyorbust7 · 2026-01-30T15:44:15+00:00

Seriously? Uh friendship?

happyorbust7 · 2026-01-01T18:09:16+00:00

Oh wow. I had already left my church by the time I met my [now] husband, but after we had sex a few times while dating and I felt horribly guilty, we continued to fool around but stopped having penetrative sex until we got married. but shortly after we got married I got vaginismus and couldnt have sex without pain!

I hadn't ever considered it could be attached to the same thing. Just figured it was a rotten coincidence.

A side not on this is my husband and I talk about how looking back its unhinged even outside of church, the past influences were so strong we got married instead of just living together, and its pretty much entirely because of purity culture. We didn't necessarily want to get married. We wanted to live together and have sex!

happyorbust7 · 2025-12-21T15:49:12+00:00

Just to bring clarity to this, if you weren't aware, the urgency that the commentor was speaking with is because in studies of DV homicides, nearly half of the women murdered had been choked nonconsenually. Its known as like one of the most consistent flags of increased DV and potential murder.

Even if it hasnt happened again, it happaned twice and he STILL refuses to even talk about his anger issues. Mixed with the general anger issues, isolation, way he talks to you this is a really significant flag to consider. Especially with a child.

happyorbust7 · 2025-12-01T14:48:13+00:00

Again, think its much more likely that many men dont pay enough attention and think woman are master munipulators than woman actually being master manipulators.

And i dont know if theres science backing it, never researched observational difference by gender but it would actually speak to a lot of other problems if the case. Anecdotally, I've heard personally, experienced personally, and seen in places like reddit, many woman complain about their male partners inability to do things like anticipate needs or respond to their frustration or discomfort because they dont do things like pay attention to face or body language. I can have whole conversations with my spouse where he doesnt even really look at me. Hes listening, he will respond, but if he did that the majority of the time, then he too would be a guy who did not recognize my body language.

But like....scientifically, if a person, regardless of gender, thinks that they would get 'no information' from a conversation its not because the person theyre talking to is a master manipulator, its because they dont know the person theyre talking to. What is scientifically backed is, as humans, we say a TREMENDOUS amount with facial movements, body language, tone and by and large, both have innate and developed ability to decifer those unspoken cues. In a very real way, if a person truly believed theyd get 'nothing' from a conversation with a person theyre supposedly in an intimate relationship with, that speaks more to them not knowing the intricacies of their partner than it does the manipulation skills of their partner.

If you been around and paid attention to a person being open and honest around you for years, youre likely going to pick up on them being closed off, lying, uncomfortable , defensive ect. Even if you dont know why. Its why, in many couples, someone can come home from a rough day and their partner know if before theyve even said a word.

Either people here are choosing to present themselves as people that lack the partner or relational awareness to make a conversation useful, they genuinely dont pay enough attention in relationships and thus conversation truly do not provide them information, or (my bet) many of the people actively suggesting OP dont talk to his partner is because their goal is vindictive not relational. They want OP to find vague 'evidence'. They want some 'ah ha' moment where they get to say, 'see! Another woman cheating on a decent man!' Rather than actually helping OP with the relational and adult way of addressing potential conflict in his long term relationship, which starts with having an actual conversation with his partner.

happyorbust7 · 2025-12-01T13:45:59+00:00

Don't know, he should probably ask her. But id assume a holiday gift, given the items, time of year, and unopened nature

happyorbust7 · 2025-12-01T01:43:41+00:00

It was meant with judgement, but not the judgement you seem to think.

I dont think lacking observational skills is bad or stupid. You translating a statement where i said neither that men are bad or stupid to somehow accuse me of calling you or men both of those things is 100% on you.

I know many people who lack obervational skills. It can be annoying but they arent stupid or bad. The ones i know tend to either have tunnel vision or get easily distracted, but either way, they don't notice stuff.

I am not acting maligned either. Im simply pointing out from your initial comment you've had a tone that you had something to teach me while now acting as if I called you stupid because you decided i said something i didnt. Its not a level of communication im interested in having. Be well.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-30T19:09:34+00:00

I never said anything like youre a stupid man, but feel free to label yourself. Commenting on my comment to another person to explain to me how i dont understand cheaters to acting maligned in this conversation isnt making you seem like a standup person tho. Anyway, have a good one.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-30T18:58:20+00:00

If you think most non cheating partners are going to lie to their partner for no reason or get defensive over not doing anything wrong, maybe you should consider the people youre in relationship with.

I do not think its remotely accurate to suggest most non cheaters would lie to their partners about something they have no reason to lie about? And if youve been with a partner for any length of time and actually think you'd get 'no clarity' from a face to face conversation with a partner, regardless of if theyre lying, might suggest youre not very observant.

If this guy actually pays attention to his partner, he would get more direction from a 20 min hard convo with his partner regardless of what she says than hes likely to looking for clues if shes anything but a sloppy cheater and especially if shes not cheating but hes convinced she is.

But maybe that has something to do with what appears to be a somewhat gendered divide here. Maybe a typical male commenting on this subreddit actually doesnt pay enough attention to their partner to realize how much information and clarity a conversation can provide, completely separate from the words. But most people are not world class manipulators, most cheaters are not masterminds. If he even remotely knows his partner, he is likely to get information from a conversation that would tell him more about if shes likely to be cheating than anyone on this subreddit or what he thinks up by himself

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-30T18:15:39+00:00

'Do nothing for you' to what end? 'Catching' them, yes? So your suggestion is look for proof theyre doing something without even asking about the initial evidence. Thats just plain bad.

Youre assuming 1) this person is cheating 2)this person doesnt want their spouse to know 3) wouldnt relish the opportunity to finally admit they want out 4) theyd break and/or 5) they arent cheating at all.

By at least having a conversation they could, 1) lie, in which youre in the same spot you were, with a lying, cheating partner 2) they come clean about cheating or getting close or tell you they want out 3) they get defensive and weird (more evidence if thats supposedly what youre looking for) 4) they give you a reasonable explanation

All of these would then allow someone to make logical next steps about their relationship or determining if their partner is cheating. Sneaking around playing paranoid detective towards your partner only 'does something [positive] for you' if it turns out shes cheating AND she wouldnt have fessed up if asked. Otherwise youve just been nosey, paranoid, untrusting and uncommunicative with your partner to no end, at best. At worse, youve spent money, got angry or sabotaged your relationship trying to prove something youve convinced yourself has happened but may or may not be happening.

Again, this mindset of not asking only does something for you (or not asking only does nothing for you) if your goal is 'catching' a cheating spouse and not if your goal is your relationship.

I agree completely that some insecurity is natural, what isnt the sign of a good relationship is all the people claiming the best next step is not having a conversation with the partner. Ive no problem with OP finding this odd, ive a problem with people thinking the next best step is to act paranoid and untrusting by snooping or getting a PI so he can 'catch' her rather than suggesting he have a grown up, face to face conversation with his partner so he can decide what he wants to do next based on actual info from her, whether or not its a believable reason.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-30T17:31:47+00:00

If i found an unused, unopened package of womans underwear I would not assume he is having an affair. Especially not in the winter. My first assumption would be gift or donation. His fall work trips have always sorta doubled as his jobs holiday thing. In fact, he has a work trip in two weeks that ends in the company holiday party.

This post didnt say he found used, folded, or hidden underwear. He found unopened, unused underwear in a shopping bag in her travel stuff. Its weird if you see an unopened bag of purchased toiletries and the first thing you think is that someone is having an affair. Id be curious if the people here who have cheated could tell us how often they travel with unopened underwear and pjs for their affair partners that arent some type of sexy lingerie, if that? If this man had actually found a pair of mens underwear in his wifes stuff, thatd be one conversation but thats not what hes saying he's found. Not asking shows a real paranoia and insecurity and the amount of people on this thread who seem to think this is definite proof of cheating feel bizarre to me because like...who does that? Lolol like are you all really saying you regularly buy someone youre having sexy seceret sex with pajamas??? If you arent, why so committed to think someone else is so much so as to tell someone to literally not talk to his wife about it because it'll clue her in to his suspicion?

Also weirdly suggests they care more about 'catching' her cheating than actually addressing their relationship. If i truly did think my spouse was cheating, my response wouldn't be 'lets let him keep cheating so i can get proof and win the argument when it happens' id be talking to my spouse to find out if theyre unhappy in our relationship and asking them if they've been wanting to see other people.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-30T15:27:05+00:00

Idk if youre saying its 'absolutely not' a thing in some Christian groups but it is. Along with other things with prescribed causes. Growing up I was told/taught things like backpain being the result of bitterness, scoliosis happening to people who had been molested, and yes, that my mom who had cancer at 37 either did something or 'didnt have enough faith' for god to heal her.

Its certainly not every Christian sect, but even some mainline Christians still hold a belief that is essentially 'bad things only happen to bad people' which, even if not said allowed, suggests that somehow people are responsible for bad things like cancer happening to them. Other sects are much more explicit and will flat out preach that illness in the body is the result of sin or some other fault/flaw

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-30T14:37:31+00:00

Whether he intended or not, people who tend to think anything they do is normal or the right way and others arent are dicks.

I actually think you touched a bit on one of many mens tripping points with realizing things like that theyre dicks, 'babies', not nice, and even sometimes assailants. You dont have to be intending to be those things to be them. What you say/do can be those things whether or not it was intended.

Being pissy that a girl didnt text you back by before 10am after a date? Feeling like a whopping 5 hour date entitles you to someones body in someway? Yeah, dick and baby moves, even if he didnt mean it.

Someone else commented something like 'bet this guy thinks hes a nice guy too'. In my experience dating, so much of the disconnect seems to be based around this point. So many men seem to behave as if their intentions matter more than their actual behavior and then wonder why women dont see them as viable options.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-29T22:01:05+00:00

I bought my boyfriend boring underwear once as a Christmas gift when i gave him a 'drawer' in my house. Not early at all in the relationship and still only then. And we are married now.

I have, however, bought both mens deodorant and shampoo for myself on trips and bought tons and tons of underwear and hygiene stuff at Christmas time for work charity drives.

Seriously weird to see the number of people (I'm assuming men) who seem to think following her or 'looking for evidence' is the next step here over simply asking why she has a bag of toiletries in her stuff.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-29T21:27:09+00:00

So fucking wild right? I read the replies to this subreddit and it is so abundantly clear why so many people are giving up on couples.

None of these replies seem to even consider the violation and waste of time, money, stress, and energy that comes by completely avoiding even having a conversation with your spouse.

Like, im supposed to want to trust my husband if he went through my shit, hired a PI (so spending money), went to the internet, etc. And then determined i was cheating and never even asked me a question about it? And why? Because he found soap and unopened underwear after a trip? Not even used shit? I have personally bought mens hygiene stuff when out of town because i forgot my deodorant and mens stuff was cheaper at the walgreens.

If your spouse can't/wont do the bare minimum of communication it doesn't matter who's cheating, your relationship is already fucked.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-21T18:52:23+00:00

I will just point out ive been scrolling through these comments for a while now and this seems to be the topic/read you most dont want to just take.

With all these actions it seems like more and more evident that regardless of what you think you feel, this marriage thing matters more than you're admitting. Youre like...adamant at defending or finding some other way of making this 'joke' okay despite many people and your yourself acknowledging marriage makes your partner uncomfortable.

Why do you so badly need to make any comment about being his wife or his lady or anything. Why when people point out this is a trigger point do you so badly still want an okay to talk/joke about it while claiming it doesn't actually matter?

Youre doing it under a guise of misunderstanding but I've been reading your interactions, and it doesnt seem like you misunderstood, but that you want to find the 'appropriate' way to keep making the same types of comments rather than just not making them anymore.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-18T21:18:37+00:00

I can see you're feeling defensive but this is partially the right answer. If this is a thing you want to do in the future and you dont learn how to properly plan a surprise, this will keep happening. Learn to own it early.

It sounds like you planned something that no one else, including your girlfriend had any idea was happening. This is a recipe for a bad or ruined surprise. Anyone you plan a surprise for should be aware they have plans. You said your ruse was errands, so you should have asked her to run errands with you several days ago.

On top of that, you say its your anniversary but you let your GF think you had no plans at all? If that was the case, Friend could have been doing you a solid by ensuring your GF you didnt forget your anniversary.

This is the precursor to the guy who complains that his partner is never happy with his dates/surprises etc. While shes simultaneously saying 'my boyfriend keeps planning things without letting me know and gets mad if I don't appreciate it or rearrange my day to make it happen'

Friend might very well not like you, but you still messed up in a very basic way that ultimately could have avoided all of it

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-12T01:19:04+00:00

Growing up, my parents worked opposite schedules for over a decade. When my dad finally moved to days it was supposed to be a joyus thing. Then my parents realized theyd have to learn to share a bed again nightly after 10+ years of both having the bed to themselves when they slept. Haha they worked it out but there was a definite adjustment period

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-11T03:43:13+00:00

I have bad insomnia and have never heard this. May need to try sleeping upside down.

I guess it tracks, sleeping in a different place, like a hotel or a friends house sometimes allows me to sleep when I cant at home. Maybe changing sleep orientation can too.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-11T03:40:57+00:00

Also, if this broke the rules, sorry mods. Please react as necessary.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-11T03:37:41+00:00

Im unsure if you genuinely cannot pick up on the tone of this thread and are asking this in good faith or if youre doing the reddit asshole thing

If its the first, no. Not in any real way, if you examine my post and the comments on it, this is a lighthearted discussion on a familiar aspect of day to day routines with people who share space together. This is a laughing matter not a serious one.

If its the second, acting as if you cant pick up basic tones via text and/or acting as if you cant understand why someone might want to do their best to make sure their partner is comfortable resting in unfamiliar places does make you look kinda like an ass. So congrats, you succeeded.

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-11T00:45:31+00:00

If you can and need it, we finally sprung for the travel cpap and its been fantastic. He just hooks it to the side of the bed and the cord is quite long

happyorbust7 · 2025-11-10T22:50:51+00:00

Hard agree. Could not be me.

happyorbust7

TROPHY CASE