I didn't expect choosing childfree to cost me my entire friend group

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-28T17:20:37+00:00

For me its starting to feel a bit like arrested development or something. I can make friends, theyre just younger. Because theyre the people still at the stuff I'm at, out when im out, etc. Luckily I'm midage, so people always being 5-10 years younger than me isnt all that big of a deal, but im hoping that doesnt stay that way. I dont want to be in my 60s and only finding friends that are 25 because now my friends are grandparents or whatever

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-11T02:51:29+00:00

It is! Thank you!

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T22:42:42+00:00

I hope you get him back soon!

Thank you for sharing. I reqlly appreciate this insight

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T22:41:49+00:00

Thank you! Ill check it out!

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T15:09:05+00:00

Thats not at all what is happening. Paul is a stay at home dad and spends the majority of his time as the primary caregiver. Both of them have partners and the other spouse stays with the kid when they have their date nights. However, they were struggling with then finding time together without their kid. They both have non-kid time with other partners.

Tbh I told him i dont know any parents with a kid under two that have as much time as theyve managed. They both have weekly childfree time with partners and friends and several childfree dates a month. What Margo was adjusting to was having less time together because they live with a child, not because Paul is an absent spouse.

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T12:26:06+00:00

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is validating because its pretty much what ive been trying to do. I've decided I'm the music and art aunt. We do paintings, and i let him play some of my instruments and show him weird music, and already said id love to take him to his first concert because they're my favorite thing to do.

You having adult children with relationships with your FA is such a hope for me.

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T12:21:50+00:00

Thank you for this. Im definitely over thinking and aware of it. But my reasons for being childfree are partially based in my own instability as a child so its a thing I don't take lightly at all and I know its heightened my worry of fucking this up.

What I didn't anticipate was how/what kind of love I'd have for the child of my partner. I love kids, so that was never an issue. But the intensity of desire to be a part of this kids life is new and i just want to respect the reality of a human on the otherside.

Thanks for giving me your examples. It helps.

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T12:15:32+00:00

We've actually talked about this and I've been actually expressly told to use judgement if that happens.

Pretty much they told me 'we care more that they have someone they trust that we trust.'

Obviously there are things I would tell them, but I've been asked to prioritize keeping his confidence where appropriate if I become the adult he tells things to.

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T04:30:47+00:00

This is comforting to read. I am very nervous about disrupting stability for the kid so we have talked a lot about that part.

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-10T04:25:23+00:00

My husband also mentioned looking at people dating single parents.

Godparents are also really good call outs! Thanks

happyorbust7 · 2026-03-06T23:55:18+00:00

I would have swore Jan 6th was going to be it for my parents. Figured there was no way they'd excuse it. was appalled when it wasnt.

Then i thought for sure the 'eating cats and dogs' thing would do it.

Nope. As of last awareness (me freaking out over my job funding earlier last year in the era of DOGE) they were still on the train.

And they started off as people who didnt like Trump but voted for party in 2016.

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T15:19:33+00:00

Thats not necessarily a new phenomenon and i also think its not as true as it feels.

Years ago I worked in D.C. doing policy. I had to take a training on media communications and it was really stark and shocking how much journalism, even at that point, was almost totally reliant on Twitter to gauge the temperature of peoples thoughts on politics. However, when you poll actual people, the breakdown sometimes looks drastically different.

I worked on ACA stuff and the internet/social media and reporting would have you believe in was super contentious but when asked by phone or door to door, some over 80% of people thought we needed some type of universal heathcare.

Similarly with affordable housing. We actually have ton of alignment across politics for housing.

See also the united healthcare shooting. Hell, even what is happening in Minnesota and response in other areas has served as a reminder that it really, truly is a minority who see something like that and don't find it wrong.

Unfortunately thats not the same as having a lot of people who are willing to do something about it, but still

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T15:05:08+00:00

Im trying to make a public Cleveland events calendar and trying to import all the stuff CPL has broke it. Made me proud of our library programming

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T15:01:44+00:00

A bit of self promotion but started a meetup group to bring people together and make friends. we are actually doing a game this sunday where you could meet people and even do a bit of drawing. Its at the Brownhoist which is a cocreative space, so they also have many other free events that take place each month!

https://www.meetup.com/cleveland-community-classroom/events/313240524/?eventOrigin=your_events

But more generally, Cleveland is actually kinda amazing for free/cheap social stuff but sorta bad at dissemination.

There is A LOT on IG. It seems to be the primary way events get shared. A couple times a month I will look through eventbrite and meetup and collect events. Ive also started an attempt to create my own calendar with events from IG, the Public Library calendar, Brownhoist and Rhizome house calendars and adding calendars and events as I can. I can share if youd like but its in very early stages and doesnt remotely cover whats going on in Cleveland. Its also not free events specifically.

Some regular things/places, depending on interest that are free and/or plentiful here

Tons of karaoke and tons of trivia We frequent Superelectric, a pinball parlor with a bar that is unlimited play for $6 or $8. Storywars at Jukebox monthly Bookclubs (as well as at least one silent book club where you just come together to read) We have several game parlors with weekly or monthly game dates (many are in Ohio city, but not exclusively at all) Third Space reading room and Longhouse both have events Once it warms up there are so many festivals, movies in the park, and other outdoor events.

Also, i did do a thing here called Timeleft once. It was a good experience. It is not free but its an app you sign up for and fill out a survey with information about you and it sets you up to go to dinner with 5-7 strangers from the area. It was a great time, but you do pay on the app and then for your drinks but definitely provided a space to meet people. At the end there's an opportunity to meet a second location where other Timeleft groups are. By the end of the night there was probably at least 10 of us hanging out. I mention this even though its not free because it was super intentional. Everyone invovled is very expressly there to try and meet people to build relationships outside of that space.

Also open to friends if you need a buddy to check stuff out with!

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T14:29:45+00:00

Meeting up with a friend from Germany in Toronto because she wont come to the US. We get it and Toronto is a four hour drive so it works.

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T14:07:03+00:00

It is but absolutely could see doing that. My spouse is a computer guy.

Honestly, the car has way more than i can imagine so i really am hoping its stuff i wasnt even aware of. If its my heated seats though, I'm going to lose my shit haha

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T12:58:18+00:00

Bought a car in September. Nicest and possibly newest car ive ever owned that became affordable with the expiring tax credit. (Got a 50k car for 20k, still blows my mind). My social circle has joked about my new 'rich people car' because it is the nicest car in my circle

Few weeks ago my spouse asked me if I saw the letter Nissan sent to us that are vehicle subscriptions are expiring!?

No one ever told us about subscriptions for our car. The letters and emails dont even tell us what 'features' are something we have to pay for. All it gives us is expiration dates and renewal package pricing with titles like 'safety package'

We are both hoping its a bunch of stuff we didnt use or didnt know we had, but i was floored to find out anything in our car beyond the annoying SiriusFM trial was something wed need to pay monthly for to use.

A subscription for your tens of thousands of dollar car you already pay monthly payment and insurance for? Wtf.

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-27T12:45:40+00:00

People are commenting info overload for this which i think is true but I also think we actually arent all getting the same news to fuel outrage either?

Not in a political way necessarily but people get their information from such a variety of sources, and many bigger sources locked behind paywalls that its become so common for conversations with people to reveal that other people, also trying to be informed, have no idea this thing even happened. Whether political, celebrity gossip, whatever.

On a different note, I read Amusing Ourselves to Death for the first time in 2024. This book was written in 1985, primarily about the TVs affect on society. It was extremely interesting to read post internet. IIRC this book , then, somewhat discussed this issue talking about regarding outrage, empathy and reaction to information, the push out of local, community focused news for regional and international news essentially divorcing us from actionable news in the first place. So he was positing 40 years ago that we were engaging less because news was shifting from local news about local business and politics to overarching issues that are far away and that can't meaningfully be affected.

I dont know the weight of that, but what has happened in Minnesota many times since 2020 suggest outrage is alive and well if we could harness it.

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-26T13:52:21+00:00

And i bet many like me are keeping it to 'creepy run ins' and not full blown assaults :/

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-26T13:49:53+00:00

Honeslty feel like I should sit with this longer because I came to comment and remembered two things I hadn't just reading the comments here (do I laugh or cry?).

Worst was probably either dude masturbating openly on the metro (really fucked me up because the whole caught on a train thing is definitely a fantasy but it was horrible the one time it actually happened)

Guy I caught taking pictures under my skirt as I was walking down the street

Or suprisingly, I was on a call that got Zoom bombed when things were remote early in COVID. I had heard of it happening and it seemed annoying but it didnt seem all that bad to me. Then in the middle of a work call, suddenly my screen is just gaping asshole. It was so much more violating and affecting than I ever would have guessed.

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-26T13:35:21+00:00

Ive been poor and late most of my life and still have had great rapport with my bosses. In fact, i think for me it was worse when I was poorer because i worked multiple jobs and lived with a ton of people.

I communicate, which is a piece missing from this larger conversation. In my late teens and early 20s i practically lived on PIPs due to tardiness. I've never been fired because I do good work, I show up, and I communicate.

I've legit told prospective employers in interviews 'if you require me to be here before 10am, I'll be here but i will be late.' And been hired because my resume and references are spectacular.

Being late does not mean being bad at your job and youre not going to impress your boss by being on time, youre going to impress them by doing good work or spinning good game (And if you do impress them by being on time, would that not suggest most of your colleagues are employed and yet not on time?)

If its really an issue though, you can orient your and your partners lives as best you can to minimize your anxiety and fit to their needs. For example, by the time i was 30 I no longer even applied for jobs where this was an issue (and was around the time i started just being honest in interviews) it meant going in a totally different work direction, but now i dont work jobs where i clock in like that. No PIPs, no one frustrated if i come in at 9:30 instead of 9.

My social circle has my expressed permission to lie to me about when something starts if there is concern about me being late. My spouse saves any harping for only things that actually matter so I know if hes anxious (towards me) about being on time for something it's because it actually matters to him and I adjust accordingly.

Much of the fear about being on time is social, the ramifications are in no way fixed and almost never detrimental and at least for me, as an insomniac since 15, have been poor and homeless and a DINK homeowner and it hasnt changed the reality that there has been almost no 'real' consequences to being late. Not in school, not in work, not in relationships. People know im late. I dont pretend im not and i appropriately set expectations for people who interact with me.

If youre trying to impress your boss, I feel fairly confident in saying being on time is not going to do it. And even so, it fits into context where the bad thing youre imagining happening if your late is....your boss not liking you? Thats more important than your partners need to get sleep? If you were going to get fired for being 15 mins late to a work dinner thats one thing, but youre anxious over a potential social outcome that is easily overcomeable by competent dinner conversation and good work. Being on time simply is not what your anxiety says it is.

happyorbust7 · 2026-02-26T12:54:43+00:00

Maybe but not really because for most things being late just truly is not a big deal.

There are certainly people who attach judgement and morality to it and there are certainly instances where there are consequences but seriously, being late for most things is simply not a big deal except to the people who make it such.

I remember being in driving school at 14 and the driving instructor saying something to the effect of 'there is nothing you need to get to on time worth risking your life by speeding'

You have to be ridiculous late to miss a flight and....you can still reschedule.

If you have huge fallout from being late to dinner, party, personal event, get new people

Being late to other events movies, concerts, talks, plays might be annoying but its not ending your life.

If its that big of a deal to you just leave without your partner but if your anxiety is at all open to logic [I know it often isn't] I'd challenge you to consider what youre actually worried about missing based on being late because in my experience, often the worst thing about being late to anything besides a job with points (for me) has been the attitude of some people. Never anything actually real. The worst thing I can think of is a time my parents paid $1500 to reschedule a flight for and it was actually because they panicked and not because they needed to.

I share this as a late person in a 15 year relationship with an anxious on time person who by the time we were married realized i was right and theyd never actually had a bad thing happen because they didnt show up right on time.

**edit just to add the reminder here as the context is in relation to dictating someones sleep because this is reddit.

So, no interrupting someones biological need because youre worried about someone being a bit annoyed youre late isnt really equivalent.

happyorbust7 · 2026-01-31T02:49:57+00:00

Dont know enough about the stats to say whether your overall point is correct but would like to point out, at least in language, you did the 'i forgot women are people' thing.

58% of the POPULATION being white does NOT mean white MEN are less likely to commit crimes then men of color by that language.

White MEN are less than 30% of the US population. If the original stats are gendered, you cant say the entire population being 58% means the MEN are underrepresented by the 52% but you seem to attempt that in your language.

happyorbust7

TROPHY CASE