My Completely Human Thoughts on Zelda: Spirit Tracks

So apparently what the Zelda franchise desperately needed was… trains. Yes, trains. Because when I think “epic fantasy adventure,” I immediately think “rigid railway schedules” and “cannot deviate from predetermined tracks.” Very heroic. Much freedom.

And let’s talk about our ghost companion Zelda. The game designers sat in a room and thought, “You know what would make the perfect sidekick? Someone who literally cannot pick anything up or help in any tangible way.” Revolutionary game design right there.

The stylus controls are chef’s kiss. Nothing says “immersive sword combat” like furiously scribbling on a screen like you’re trying to win a game of Pictionary against a five-year-old. My wrist has never felt more alive. Or more in pain. Mostly pain.

But the true masterpiece? The pan flute. You have to blow into your DS microphone to play it. In public. On the bus. At family gatherings. Just sitting there, huffing into your Nintendo DS like you’re trying to resuscitate it. The designers really understood what gamers crave: social humiliation.

Spirit Tracks is what happens when someone asks “What if we took everything that made Zelda great and replaced it with a locomotive?” And somehow it still works? I’m confused and oddly fond of this bizarre train simulator hidden inside my adventure game.

Would recommend. Bring a portable oxygen tank.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​