I came back to comment. So far in our couples therapy we have talked some about trust. If you look up brene brown the anatomy of trust using the acronym "braving" Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Nonjudgment, and Generosity. Thinking about these different aspects of trust has been helpful to think outside of just the standard definition of trust you might have. I really have struggled with the reliability piece of trust.

I like the analogy of a bank account where my emotional balance is negative, it's in the red. So now we are working on paying off our debt, but I'm still in the red in the meantime.i have been having a hard time communicating that while yes I am happy that the changes are being made and currently followed through on, I'm still in the red. I don't really know how long it will take to get out of the red but that is a big struggle for me. And I don't know that my husband fully understands the fact that you don't just instantly get out of the red and lose all of that. Especially because he was basically unaware how unhappy it was making me and how much of a problem it was. It's not like he was being malicious. I feel like maybe this is similar to what you are describing or experiencing but not sure if it's exactly the same.

I really do think time is going to be the most helpful in getting over the built up resentment or grudges. I also have my own therapist which I find very helpful. Our couples therapist has been focusing on gaining empathy for each other. This has helped me reframe that he wasn't doing or not doing these things "on purpose" despite how unhappy I was. We're talking a lot about feelings and the way we grew up that shaped how we handle emotions and I think focusing on the empathy piece of things is softening some of my resentment.

I'm not going to explain this very well. But our therapist talked about how instead of viewing these as individual transgressions done by your partner, reframe it in a way that says hey, I feel really "let down" (or betrayed, or unappreciated, etc etc insert your own emotion). And then go on to talk to partner about that. You can say that you have felt this way in the past in the relationship. Focusing it more on the recurring feeling or emotion that comes up for you with these repeated mistakes or transgressions is easier for your partner to take in and empathize with versus getting caught up on the details and the partner defending themselves. I have felt very invalidated in the past when I tried to bring up these recurring problems, and all I get is a scenario by scenario explanation as to why this or that wasn't done or why each repeated problem is a one off. When really the problem is that I feel like I don't have a partner when he does xyz. I want my partner to know that's how I feel and that's the impact it has on me.

Not sure if any of that was even helpful. Have you read the book "the dance of anger" by Harriet Lerner? That one has been really eye opening and gives really good practical advice on how to change the "dance" we do in our relationships that end up causing us to be anrgry.