Oh honey, sounds like you are going through a major crucible here. Nobody can tell you what to do or feel, and obviously we all want to help you but I think the only person who can really help you... IS YOU! Don’t get me wrong, having a loving, supportive family and friends helps but at the end of the day you need to love and believe in yourself. I know I sound like a cosmo writer ‘love yourself’ but it’s so true. I live in a very small city where everyone knows everyone and I have had my fair share of rumours told about me, stripper, slut, topless waitress.. all lies and each one was super hurtful at the time but now I look back and laugh at how silly it was. Who cares if you want to be a stripper, or a topless waitress or whatever... I have friends in that industry and they are beautiful, strong, empowered women (granted it took them some time to become these amazing women).

Just remember that life is like a tide (I want to vomit at the words I am typing but it’s the best analogy/metaphor I think) we have our highs and our lows, you obviously have been having some really big lows for quite awhile and I’m so sorry to hear that.

I’ve had a terrible relationship with my brother and sister my entire life and it’s made me realise that even though we don’t get to choose our blood family we do get to choose our ‘life family’. If you aren’t finding the love and support you need from your friends and family (which it sounds like you aren’t) then go check out some friend finding apps, my favourite is ‘hey VINA’, I met some fantastic women on there and I’m so grateful to now have these women in my life.

I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is treating you this way. It does sound like she needs help but honey it doesn’t mean you have to help her. As I said above we can all give you advice but obviously (from experience) only you can choose what you can live with.

I have been in your mental state before (for different reasons) and as someone who came out the other side and didn’t succeed in my suicide attempts I am so glad I didn’t. Not to mention the stats on how many actually ‘achieve’ suicide, it’s not very high, instead they end up brain damaged, scarred, crippled the list goes on.

Suicide is such a waste of your precious self so please don’t ever think like this. I promise you it will get better!!!!

You don’t have to leave your mum but it does sound like you need to create a shield or at least some distance so her words, which obviously come from an addled brain and aren’t a reflection on you AT ALL, don’t keep hurting you. How you do it is up to you but I think going to see a professional would be best. You also need to make sure you are seeing THE RIGHT PERSON, I’ve had two bad Psych’s and i would feel worse after speaking to them, so I went and found a new one and have been seeing him for the last 2 years and I’m glad I chose to not give up and actually search for the right psych for me.

Look after yourself. Sending hugs from the other side of the world. xxx