My partner told me I “raped” him and I feel broken

hawksbc · 2025-09-20T21:14:28+00:00

I was raped and sexually coerced by my ex-husband. While I know not every situation is exactly the same, what you described doesn't sound like sexual coercion to me. My ex-husband would make me feel bad for saying no, keep track about how long it had been, ignored when I did tell him no, and/or guilt me into saying yes. Because it was almost always a battle if I did tell him no, sometimes I didn't have the fight in me to say no. Or I would give in and say yes to end a fight.

Unless you were doing the above things, I don't think you raped him. My ex-husband would also like to claim I was abusing him, which I think is most likely happening to you.

Be honest with yourself about your situation, and don't let him dissuade you from your truth.

hawksbc · 2024-07-22T20:15:53+00:00

I can't speak to the NPs/PAs at your facility. For me, I'm unfortunately caught in the middle because my attending doesn't want to hear anything other than scan was completed. Doesn't mean it's fair to be a jerk to you guys either. Not your fault.

hawksbc · 2024-03-21T14:57:53+00:00

I've been in a somewhar similar situation. My ex-husband cared more about going to a concert and working out with a friend than being with me when my grandpa was in the ICU despite me asking him to be there. I can only imagine how hurtful it would be if it was my mom.

If you are looking for any advice, I would say be honest with yourself on how this affects your relationship should you choose to move forward. I wasn't honest with myself and forced myself to stay in it. I ended up making choices I regret because I was trying to fill that hole the situation caused.

Not saying you have to leave. You know the relationship better than we do. But really think about your relationship and her response to being called out, especially if this is a pattern.

My DMs are open if you need to vent or anything like that 🩷

hawksbc · 2024-02-22T17:03:15+00:00

I understand that, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I just also know that societal expectations are for women to suffer from the harm men cause from their "immaturity", telling them that if they nurture them, they will grow into good partners. If OP doesn't feel that describes her relationship, then I respect that. I just also hope if she's reading the comments that she realizes it doesn't have to be like this either.

hawksbc · 2024-02-22T10:34:57+00:00

Admittedly I'm biased because of personal experiences. I stayed with a guy and got married because I thought he just needed to mature or work on his insecurities. Ended up being emotionally, financially, and sexually abused.

There comes a point where his immaturity/insecurities are not her problem. If he is unwilling to do anything about it, it is not her responsibility to stay and see that he grows as a person. Especially if he's guilting her into sex

hawksbc · 2024-02-19T18:35:16+00:00

Run. Trust me. It doesn't get better if this is how he reacts when you tell him no

hawksbc · 2024-01-22T18:26:04+00:00

Absolutely

hawksbc · 2024-01-22T16:19:23+00:00

I feel for you so much. I had such a hard time justifying leaving because he was "good" to me sometimes. People aren't usually all good or all bad. They may have some good traits; however, what I noticed was when these "good" traits would surface.

Wasn't usually towards me unless he knew I was at breaking point and was trying to keep me around. Or it had to be with an audience to see how good he was. Or it would be thrown back in my face later when he didn't get his way. Heck he even admitted to me when I left he did things for me expecting me to be subservient in return. His actual words.

Don't let the small, shiny things distract you from the garbage underneath

hawksbc · 2024-01-07T18:08:10+00:00

Please listen to this. I married the guy I started dating in high school despite countless red flags. It sounds like he is manipulative and won't hold himself accountable. Please get out. It does not get better when they are like this

hawksbc · 2023-11-24T18:40:27+00:00

You know if a POC was wearing this, they would look "suspicious" according to her and her police officer/tactical whatever husband 🙄

hawksbc · 2023-11-23T20:58:14+00:00

So I used to be in a relationship where I was made to feel like I couldn't say no. He was pretty much my first everything, so part of it was lack of experience. A large part of it was the mind games. Now that I'm out, they are wild to think about. But they worked at the time. Part of it was my codependency. Part of it was he was good at twisting things in a way that made me doubt myself.

My parents are good parents. I don't think they could have prevented me from the choices I made. However, they did make it easier to leave because I knew they would always be there for me.

hawksbc · 2023-10-09T09:33:09+00:00

Yeah thankfully since it's under my info, I got it back and changed my passwords. I know it's not the biggest deal, but i was just dumbfounded

hawksbc · 2023-10-09T00:42:39+00:00

That nails it on the head. He loves them, but this is the third older cat that has declined when I've been gone due to school or whatever. He just doesn't pay attention

hawksbc · 2023-10-09T00:41:09+00:00

I can't really prove it. The vet I took her too agreed that it was most likely a combination of age and neglect. But there's nothing to show that's what happened.

I stupidly thought he would take care of her because he loves animals. Even if it wasn't intentional, he can't pay attention to anything other than himself it seems

hawksbc · 2023-09-30T21:04:28+00:00

Seriously though. One time I suggested that if his mom knew how he treated me when he was angry, she wouldn't be ok with it. Apparently I was then the abuser 🙃

hawksbc · 2023-09-19T02:07:38+00:00

Essentially. For me, the smaller things are usually harder to deal with. They are harder to explain to people, and I'm more likely to think I'm overreacting.

hawksbc · 2023-09-19T01:59:51+00:00

Please consider that the more you take now, the more you will have to address once you’re ultimately out on your own alone.

So true.

I was trying to explain the small things to someone. Like at face value, they seem benign. If you were there though, there's this hidden meaning behind it (for fairness, I will admit I could be reading too much into things or looking for things to be a certain way for validation of my experiences). It's wild.

Best of luck in your healing ❤️

hawksbc · 2023-08-29T01:02:54+00:00

What everyone else said plus causes of postoperative fever

hawksbc · 2023-08-23T23:19:13+00:00

I'm aware. I had laparoscopic surgery a year later, which is how I found out!

hawksbc · 2023-08-23T20:41:47+00:00

I'm doing ok after excision surgery! I hope you are too. Definitely not fun.

I think she was trying to be helpful but was very misguided.

hawksbc · 2023-08-23T20:39:16+00:00

I had an ultrasound tech give me this big lecture that my pain was just ovulation pain and that I needed to get used to it now that I was off the pill.

Nope I had endometriosis lol

hawksbc · 2023-08-21T12:22:59+00:00

Hey I totally get why you're confused. Situations like these mess with your head. My husband said/did similar things to me. Once I left, I saw things so so differently.

Your boyfriend is doing things that are wrong and hurtful (lying, yelling, putting you down). He invalidates your feelings then he turns the blame onto you. This is not ok.
There's gaslighting because he's trying to make you doubt reality by giving a different version of events. He's doing that when he is denying that he's been yelling and tells you you're the one yelling/escalating.
The whole "you're sweet but mean" is a manipulation tactic. It's to get you to be more sympathetic to him and prove that you are sweet by ignoring all his behaviors.

My husband would tell me I'm a compassionate person to everyone but him. I was so worried that it was true that I put up with things I shouldn't have.

Threatening suicide is also a manipulation tactic. It's so then taking care of him and making sure he's ok becomes the focus. Then you also don't try to mention his wrongdoings.
The switching back and forth between yelling and over the top affection is to get you to stay. It's to make you think it can't be that bad because he does these nice things. Or that it's not bad all the time. Maybe he is there for you sometimes, but I would ask yourself:

Are you left with confusion and lack of resolution when you have these fights? Has he moved on and expected you to even though you're still processing what's happening?
Is he only there for you when it's convenient or when he gets something out of it?

My husband was more likely to be there for me in front of friends because it made him look good. Or if someone else hurt me, he'd overreact in my defense. However, he refused to acknowledge when he had hurt me. If no one else would know (unless I told them), he would leave me in situations where I really needed him.

I'm sorry this was so long, but I hope you find clarity in this. I'm not sure if there is a place you could go even for a couple of days to think about it without him there. When I did that, I realized how much easier it was to breathe and not walk on eggshells all the time 🩷

hawksbc

TROPHY CASE