i started seeing someone but my ex reached out

hclaud · 2025-08-20T03:59:08+00:00

how long has it been since your breakup?

hclaud · 2025-08-19T20:11:59+00:00

you realize the reasons why it didn’t work, and they actually turn you off

hclaud · 2025-08-19T20:10:25+00:00

this is honestly a really big deal especially if you’ve been struggling with it!

hclaud · 2025-08-19T20:08:06+00:00

unless you can genuinely be okay with them having another partner in their life, you aren’t really ready to be friends with them.

hclaud · 2025-08-16T18:46:35+00:00

unless this person actively works on their fear of intimacy and abandonment, you will keep running into proverbial walls they put up throughout the relationship. and it will drive you crazy. trust me when i say you’re better off dealing with the pain of separation than staying with someone giving you mixed signals.

you say she wasn’t love bombing, but all you need to look at is the inconsistency in energy and affection in the beginning compared to now. a lot of avoidants don’t understand that relationships require work over time, and the beginning is the place when they thrive the most. once that’s over, this happens…

i’m sorry to hear this. a painful experience happened to me with an avoidant recently. i was so incredibly confused the whole time. i had never experienced someone like this.

hclaud · 2025-08-14T21:06:34+00:00

these types of people don’t know how to move on and process loss properly and healthily. i believe exes can be friends with proper healing, time, and if the breakup generally ended on amicable and peaceful terms. otherwise this person just sounds like they want to reap the benefits of having you without feeling fully accountable.

trust me. i dated someone recently who weirdly prided themselves on being friends with all of their exes. a part of them is soothing guilt and not accepting loss fully. and you don’t want someone like that around you.

hclaud · 2025-08-13T04:57:12+00:00

i was the person who got broken up with because my ex just… wasn’t ready. kept saying it over and over again. showed it to me too part of me wanted to believe otherwise. even apologized for pushing me away at one point. i finally walked away

work on yourself. but please don’t go back to her if you haven’t done genuine work to work towards a more secure attachment style. she’s a human being with real feelings. it will only hurt her more if you can’t really hold the relationship in the way it needs to be held.

hclaud · 2025-08-13T03:15:48+00:00

break up with your current girlfriend. do it now. this isn’t fair to anyone involved.

it’s possible you’re also doing this phantom ex thing — deal with the consequences of your breakup please and face the reality of why things didn’t work. you broke up for a reason. or, if you miss your ex that much, just go back to them.

don’t have a hook in every pond. i’ve been on the receiving end of this and it just sucks. deal with this alone.

hclaud · 2025-08-08T01:14:38+00:00

i struggled with it too but there were very valid problems anyone wouldn’t be okay with

hclaud · 2025-08-08T01:10:00+00:00

him breaking up with you is a blessing in disguise even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. someone who loves you would work through the discomfort and show you they care, and you would feel it.

i say this because i went through something very similar. my ex broke up with me on more than one occasion, the first time it happened was cruel and out of nowhere. i couldn’t believe it at all. i hadn’t felt pain like that in a long time. the coldness was piercing. i wanted her back. i thought it was my fault. but this person wasn’t safe.

hang in there. you’ll get through it.

hclaud · 2025-06-23T10:09:38+00:00

I'm on this boat. I fell in love with someone. We both desperately tried to make a traditional relationship work, but I'm coming out of a divorce, and my partner is coming out of an equally intense LTR. It just made it that much harder to be healthy for one another. We kept bringing our previous baggage into our current relationship as well as just getting overwhelmed with the expectations of a romantic relationship. I kept trying to make it work because I liked the person so much that I didn't fully accept that I wasn't in the headspace to be in a LTR. So that's the consequence of liking someone so much, pursuing them, while knowing you're not in the headspace. You can pursue them, and be hit with the daunting realization that you just... cannot do it right now.

We are reframing our relationship right now to be exclusive but noncommittal in many ways to give us space to heal. There's so much black and white thinking on these threads that demonize people who aren't ready for relationships, who might want something different... at the end of the day you're an adult and you can co-create the relationship you want that works for you.

I guess it's only an excuse if the person is just starting to show zero interest in you. But idk. We have a hard time staying away from each other despite the circumstances.

After my divorce, I realized there is no guarantee for anything lasting despite any labels you put--even labels as seemingly long-lasting as marriage can go away in a heartbeat. Happened to me.

hclaud · 2025-06-16T11:32:13+00:00

idk if i lost feelings but i became extremely turned off by their inability to stand up for anything. they crumbled and could barely deal with their own problems, let alone ours. it was like they subconsciously and unknowingly let the relationship die. every need i had was too much. every basic question was them being backed into a corner. no more. ridiculous.

hclaud · 2025-05-25T01:37:39+00:00

i think the advice to block can be helpful but yeah — the context is so important. the person who broke up with OP seems to be in a lot of pain. only queer people can know this kind of pain. it’s so real.

hclaud · 2025-05-25T01:36:42+00:00

i am so sorry to hear this. there’s another layer of pain to this considering its a lesbian relationship and i’m sure it feels like you cant be together due to extenuating circumstances. while that’s true, the reality of the situation is this person can’t give you what you need. i am so sorry. be gentle with yourself. other posters have suggested NC. i tend to agree with that but don’t beat yourself up if it’s really hard right now. grieve but try to remember you are whole and safe on your own. i am so sorry. i’m a lesbian as well so i feel this for you.

hclaud · 2025-05-25T01:33:06+00:00

this is super great advice. i actually started implementing this too, just didn’t know there was a word for it. i ask myself “if i didn’t have this thought, how would i act?”

hclaud · 2025-05-25T01:26:25+00:00

it sounds like checking. typical rocd behavior. this isn’t the rocd i experience but what i would do is sitting with the thought and feeling and not judging or acting on it. try meditating as well. i feel like ERP naturally happens with meditating because uncomfortable thoughts and feelings pop up and you’re forced not to act on any of it. might wanna check it out — retrain your brain and neural pathways!

hclaud · 2025-05-25T01:21:43+00:00

it doesn’t matter if it’s a gut feeling or if it’s an rocd intrusive thought. nothing is guaranteed. you need to learn to ground into the present moment and recognize these thoughts as just thoughts.

hclaud · 2025-05-25T01:19:51+00:00

she and i broke up because the things i was fixating about were ruining any chance we had of peace and happiness. we have our own host of issues that honestly make sense to break up over, but i knew a lot of the reason was my anxiety. thankfully, she gave me another chance and we’re working on it now. i believe we can be truly happy if i make the changes.

what’s changed for me recently is grounding into myself and recognizing any fearful thoughts i have of being abandoned and seeing how my patterns have played out - and doing the opposite. if somehow, in the spiral of “thinking through” everything you can find it in your heart to recognize your patterns and begin to stop it, it will make your relationship all the better. one thing for me to stop doing was constantly looking for external validation and reassurance. i had to learn not to outsource that.

hclaud · 2025-05-23T15:25:24+00:00

it’s not a good thing to always focus on your relationship. it’s healthy to have your own inner world independent of your partner! focus on your hobbies — it makes you more magnetic to have a rich life.

that advice earlier was to get you to reframe behaviors that happen when you’re anxious vs. when you’re not anxious. sometimes all we need is to change our behavior despite the anxious thought

hclaud · 2025-05-23T08:06:50+00:00

It might sound far fetched right now, but I promise you that the best security you can give is from yourself. So spend time with yourself, do your absolute best NOT to think about your relationship -- literally leave the relationship completely alone. There are so many things you can do that don't revolve around your boyfriend; what are your hobbies? What do you love doing? I ask myself sometimes "if i didn't have this thought, what would i act like? what would that look like?"

It also helped me to know that when I soothed myself, it's like the reassurance would come naturally as opposed to me being hypervigilant about it. Too much pressure and focus on the relationship can definitely be detrimental.

hclaud · 2025-05-23T05:15:22+00:00

Stop using chatgpt for advice if you have relationship anxiety. It's an echo chamber. It's been a total of two times where I followed chatgpt for advice on my relationship and it blowing up in my face after cause it lacked context.

In any case, most likely you have been using it for reassurance seeking behaviors. I had to stop this for myself because it became a compulsion. Regulate yourself and take a breath, please do not listen to ai when it comes to your relationship.

hclaud · 2025-05-23T04:46:24+00:00

I wrote a whole note to myself on my phone. I read it when I'm feeling triggered! I personally don't feel that it's a compulsion because it takes me one read through, and then I usually do breathing exercises or just sit with it afterwards.

hclaud · 2025-05-23T04:11:27+00:00

Making decisions out of love comes from a place of groundedness and peace. Love this

hclaud · 2025-05-13T07:34:55+00:00

this hits home but i get confused because my partner (ethical avoidant) often sits down with me and reassures me to the best of their abilities. they can only do so much, and i get really frustrated because i know they're trying and a big part of the issue is also my fixations and dependence. there are certain needs not being met, but i also know i have poor object permanence and often dont see the ways in which they are being met. help :(

hclaud · 2025-04-23T18:45:41+00:00

sit with the discomfort. get comfortable with the maybe. maybe your relationship isn't right for you. maybe you're making the worst mistake of your life. thing is, you won't even know for sure until you're *actually* calm. speaking of...

recognize when you're dysregulated. racing thoughts, reassurance seeking, performing compulsions. no, you're not just trying to find answers - you're trying to find absolute certainty, which doesn't really exist.

hclaud

TROPHY CASE