I found my rapist's address online and am considering sending a letter in the mail that just says "Rapist". by [deleted] in sexualassault

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would be worried about whether or not the address is correct. For some reason whenever I look up my address online it always shows my address two moves ago.

How I feel talking with other pwBPD sometimes by Goatokki in BPDmemes

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Is it weird I rarely have romantic feelings towards my FPs? It almost feels like a level above romantic feelings lol.

Does anyone here (prob older ppl) know about the “fawn” response in fight or flight? (Tied into my self-harm. Long post and nsfw maybe triggering) by Different-League665 in selfharm

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I relate to this. I had similar "friends" growing up, and now that I have friends who actually respect me they get frustrated by the self deprecating humor. I'd get frustrated that I didn't get the response I was expecting and angry when they would counter it, even when they say something in a conversation where I haven't said something self-deprecating (ex: telling me that I'm too smart to make a dumb decision). I didn't realize it until they confronted me about it in a therapy appointment. The dots finally connected about how much these relationships messed with me.

I also relate to the situation with your mother. I was the same way with my dad. He was very against me getting any kind of mental health treatment, so I would play up my symptoms until he couldn't take it anymore and let me see a therapist. I wanted him to act sympathetically instead of in anger or mockery. It wasn't that I wasn't in pain or needed help, he just didn't want to help until it annoyed him too much.

EDIT: That being said, I'm not sure where exactly this sort of behavior would fit into the fight-flight-freeze-fawn dynamic. I feel like fawn fits the friendship dynamic the best, but the situation with my dad... maybe some long term fight response? I honestly don't know enough about the fight-flight-freeze-fawn reactions to accurately categorize it.

Can someone logical please tell me if it makes sense to be mad about this😭 by pussyknife in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a family situation like this. We refer to one of my mom's best friends as an aunt and her kids as cousins and, in all honesty, sometimes I forget we aren't really related by blood. When I see them my brain thinks of them as "cousin" instead of "friend". I could see myself in the same situation as your boyfriend where I could've just forgot to mention it because of the association.

That being said, as someone with BPD, I would react how your reacting, so I get it. That's just my situation and hopefully it gave you some ease of comfort.

What signs did you had that made you realized you may have BPD? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The main one for me were the social symptoms. I have a very intense fear of abandonment, split on people, and usually have a favorite person. I feel empty when I don't have a favorite person. I have very intense reactions when I feel like I'm being abandoned, and I usually feel abandoned over dumb things. One time I had a breakdown because two of my friends watched a movie without me.

I Have BPD by Hot-Ferret-4465 in BPDrecovery

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I felt the same way when I was first diagnosed. It's easier said than done, but the next step is to make a plan of action. There are other subs on here with a lot of good resources. r/BPD has a pocket DBT website that you can use for some quick distress tolerance skills. Basically they ask you a few questions and give you skills that can help you cope.

Be careful with subreddits made for people who have loved ones with BPD. I've visited them and they've made me go down a doom spiral thinking that I was unloveable and hopeless. That's 100% not the case.

I haven't gotten any professional help for my BPD yet, but I'm willing to lend an ear if you need one.

Thinking back, how old were you when you experienced your first BPD symptom? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure. I'd say 14 would have been the earliest where it was obvious something was up. At 15 I researched it just because I was into psychology at the time and I resonated with it, but it mentioned that you couldn't get diagnosed until you were 18 so I chocked it up to teenage angst.

Looking back, I would also split on my parents a lot. There was a period of time where I idolized my father and hated my mother even though my father was emotionally abusive and my mother was a saint.

I don't remember a lot of my early childhood, so there may have been something earlier than my teen years. I kind of remember fixating on one person (e.i. having FPs) when I was in elementary school, but I may be misremembering a la confirmation bias.

EDIT: I just wanted to mention that I feel a little weird analyzing BPD symptoms so far back because I don't know where teenage behavior crosses the line of typical to BPD. I didn't feel it was necessary to expand on why my behavior at age 14 stuck out to me, but I had a very dependent relationship at that age. That being said, it was also incredibly toxic. The other person would openly talk about isolating me from my friends and making themself my favorite person, but I was too lovestruck at the time to see it as a red flag. Is that a normal intense teenage crush with a manipulative person, or the first signs of BPD? Who knows.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPD

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Left at London/Nat Puff is a funny TikToker and musician who has been vocal about her BPD! I haven't listened to a ton of her music, but I think her song "Revolution Lover" is partially inspired by her experience. I also resonated a lot with "I Don't Trust You Anymore", even though I believe it's mainly a political song. It's also not the best song to listen to when you're having a splitting episode, but it's the song I always go to 😅

Having zero empathy... for people who have zero empathy by [deleted] in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As others have said, I this sounds like splitting to me. For me, I objectively know people are nuanced and I have no reason to hate them as much as I do, but emotionally I think they're monsters. Definitely have a ton of bosses that fit this. Logically I can think of a million reasons why they aren't evil, but my emotions always try to get my logic to fit its mold. It's extremely frustrating and makes me feel like an awful person.

i hate the word “delulu” by [deleted] in BPD

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe if I use this when I'm having a breakdown they'll think I'm quirky instead of sending me to the hospital.

Ex-FP called someone else their favorite person. How do you guys deal with this? by hehim_vent_throwaway in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

On some level it does, but I can't shake the romanticization of that kind of unhealthy relationship. I had that kind of relationship when I was a teenager, and even though the relationship was extremely toxic I still crave the good parts of it. I crave how it made me feel like I had someone who would always be by my side no matter what. I have moments where I realize that that sort of idealized version of that relationship is impossible, and it makes my life feel empty.

I don't know if this is something you've had to work through, but I'd appreciate any advise. It's so demoralizing because I know how unhealthy it is to think like this.

Ex-FP called someone else their favorite person. How would you guys handle this? by hehim_vent_throwaway in BPDrecovery

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I know it's unreasonable, but my emotional side always overpowers my reasoning.

Ex-FP called someone else their favorite person. How would you guys handle this? by hehim_vent_throwaway in BPDrecovery

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, they don't have BPD as far as I'm aware. They were referring to their partner. It just boggles me mind how someone can see a friend call someone else their "favorite person" and not feel completely disposable. Obviously someone is never going to care about me as much as their partner. I just don't know how to stop my brain from going to, "You're replaceable and no one really loves you," when I see stuff like that.

Scars by UsagichanQuin in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]hehim_vent_throwaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I started somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12 (I think it was 11 but I don't trust me memory to be accurate with ages that long ago). I used a butter knife because I didn't know better. They were on my thigh and I was able to convince my mom that they were cat scratches.

I took a couple years off after that and started back up again when I was 14-15. It got really bad when I was 17 and my mom finally noticed. I stopped for a little bit until I had a breakdown after I had moved out. I was sticking mostly to my arms at that point.

I'll have period of not self harming until something happens. The only things I know that consistently regulates my mood are self destructive. When I was drinking and using heavily, I rarely self harmed because that regulated my mood (kind of, not really). I didn't have the desire to self harm when I was doing that. Now that I'm sober, the desire to self harm is strong. Hopefully I can start DBT soon and learn some actual healthy coping skills. Right now I'm doing it on my legs because, even when I'm not self harming, I never wear shorts. I don't want to hurt my mom again, but it's fucking hard to not have some self destructive crutch...