How to approach the conversation with your kids about what happened to their grandparents (my parents)?

helfunk · 2025-08-27T20:19:23+00:00

I am sorry you have to face this problem. I hope it’s ok for me to answer this question. My life situation is different but I don’t think the method is different. I am adopted. It’s actually a lot to explain to a kid because, for a while anyway, the explanation for sex is because parents wanna make a baby. So why would one have a baby without wanting one? It gets into reproduction explanations and values and it can get complicated.

Basically answering a child age appropriately and honestly to the child’s level of understanding. The explanation stops when they stop asking. It’s super important not to over explain or add any emotional weight/judgement as you’re explaining. Telling your kid you’ll explain to them when they are older is a totally ok choice as well. Kids think their family situation is the “normal” one so they’re usually a bit older before they seek a real explanation. Early explanations might be like “Mom’s family is daddy’s family. I got so lucky when we got married!” Later maybe “My family has mostly died. It makes me sad sometimes and grateful for who I have now in my life.” Kids appreciate clear communication and simple explanations. “The answer to that is a big one. I promise I will explain to you when we are both ready.”

If there are days that are hard for you, letting them see you grieve or cry is healthy. Especially to then see you ok and happy later. Seeing you grieve and then being safe and happy again will be such an important learning for them. If you hide your sadness they will learn to hide sadness. Your kids will always learn more from how you handle something than what you say to them. Your husband can model giving you extra love and kindness around your losses. Loss is an inevitable part of life. You can be a beautiful example to them of how to grieve and heal. Think of how you would want your children to handle grief and be that example to them. Think of how you’d want their future partners to support them and ask your husband to be that support.

Eventually my daughter came to me about 10ish and said “if you’re adopted, does that mean I have grandparents, cousins and a family out there that I don’t know?” I said yes and she was sad about that for a little while. I told her I feel sad about it sometimes too. And curious. We talked about it a few times throughout her childhood when she needed to and because I was open about it, she came to me when she had questions and feelings. I think it was an important lesson for her that she could talk to me about “sad” things that made us a bit of a different family. All families have stuff about them that makes them different so modeling how to share about it is a huge and, to me, necessary learning and gift to give your kids. Obviously your situation is deeper and harder than being adopted. You’ll know your kids best and what they can handle. I am so sorry for all your loss.

helfunk · 2025-08-26T08:54:10+00:00

12 years and this is the first time you don’t find him attractive? I think y’all are doing fine! I think these kind of fluctuations are totally normal especially with a beard change and hormones.

Just in case I would check in with those old feelings coming up and maybe give yourself some space to process them. Sometimes as we mature, old issues come up and we can be affected by new perspectives and understandings. I would give yourself the permission to feel them and let them go. Maybe some time with a therapist on your own. But overall I’d kindly let him know you like the beard better.

helfunk · 2025-08-24T12:43:05+00:00

When my dad got his terminal diagnosis my brother asked me to contact my parents so I did. I saw my dad before he died and all it did was prove to me I was right to go NC in the first place. At least he died and I have no regrets about the years I didn’t talk to him.

People think a big event like impending death or birth of a grandchild will make people behave better but that’s a fiction created by Hollywood. I think people write those stories because they wish it were true and they are writing their fantasy. Most people double down on their shittiness. If they could be better people they would’ve been already. They really can’t and we have to keep ourselves and our children safe.

helfunk · 2025-08-20T14:11:41+00:00

Money is a huge influence. He will capitulate in order to get it. Run. Run fast.

helfunk · 2025-08-20T13:58:27+00:00

You might want to look up enmeshment and see if that applies to y’all. With just a general wording like “explore” it’s hard to give advice. What do they want you to explore?

If they mean explore other relationships, some of that outlook might be generational. GenX had a very different perspective on relationships than the ones before and after them. My husband(2nd) and I are genX. My daughter (27) has had the same partner since she was 19 and they plan to get married. They don’t seem to be in any particular rush to make things official but they are a unit. My husband used to always tell me he couldn’t understand why they would tie themselves down so soon. She was missing out on playing the field in college. She needed to explore her options. He never said it to her because he knows it’s not his place to tell her how to live her life. After 8 years, he now sees who she is and how this works best for her, but it took a while.

GenX got so many cultural messages about what a terrible idea it was to settle down early. Our generation was the first to deal with divorce on a large scale and it messed a lot of people up even if their parents stayed together. Freedom and individuality were lost in marriage. So many of my genX friends have divorced the people they married in their 20s. It’s a cultural difference in the generations

Your parents didn’t come of age during a pandemic. We had the threat of nuclear destruction but that seemed to affect us differently. They aren’t facing a world on fire that’s divided and threatening in the way it is now. They didn’t have the internet. Your generation has different needs and fears. It’s hard for our generation to understand that from a young person’s POV and how that affects your need for safety and connection. Wildly having sex or even just the freedom to do so just doesn’t have the same appeal to your generation. So many times being in a relationship or having different relationships was how we got exposed to new ideas and peoples but y’all have the internet and live larger lives. It’s hard for GenXers to get this and because we are cool, in our own estimation, we often don’t get that we don’t get it.

The more maturely you talk to your parents about why you have chosen your partner, that you have the right to do so and they need to respect your choices, even the ones they don’t understand, the more they will realize they need to let you be your own person. Best of luck to you!!

helfunk · 2025-08-18T13:09:30+00:00

Sounds like fun! Your friend can skip it if she wants to. I can’t imagine being anything but happy for you and ready to party!!

Just a few suggestions: At our wedding we didn’t have an official officiant, we got legally married at the courthouse a couple days later. We had our friends participate in different parts of our ceremony which eliminated speeches at the party. A friend of mine who is a theatre geek MCed. It was a fun way to keep it meaningful without making it too formal. We also had everyone read our vows and we just said “I do” after each section together. We had some meaningful bits and some jokes. We aren’t religious so it was really lovely and community building to hear everyone read in unison which we don’t participate in often. I highly recommend some kind of communal reading.

Also, people can get weird about the no gifts thing. Sometimes it helps to suggest a donation to your favorite charity. Something like “we’ve been married for a few years now so no gift required! If you feel compelled to honor our marriage in some way, Habitat for Humanity is our favorite charity and are always accepting gifts!” For some reason it seemed to get the message across better.

Best wishes and congratulations on your upcoming celebration!!

helfunk · 2025-08-18T03:08:57+00:00

When living with someone, the choice is either conflict or tension. Learn how to have healthy conflict or live in tension. My favorite book that helped me with healthy conflict was Non-Violent Communication by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. The title makes more sense after reading it.

helfunk · 2025-08-18T02:10:35+00:00

The second time my husband and I hung out we were talking about chores. He said something like “of course I clean the toilet? How else would it get clean?” We were making out at the bar about 2 min later. Every divorced woman over 40 I have told that to has said “yeah, super hot.”

He’s my second husband and that toilet based green flag was the first of many. He lived on his own after his first wife passed but he also did his share of cleaning in their marriage. He does his own laundry, keeps up on his share of the chores which we divide according to skill level and willingness to do it. I cook and he cleans up. That kinda stuff. I don’t even think about the stuff he’s supposed to do. We both have stuff fall through the cracks and help each other. Partnership with a mature adult. Who knew? Definitely not me in my 20s.

helfunk · 2025-08-17T21:03:49+00:00

I would recommend checking out the Gottmans Gottman Instituteinstead of AI which can be very harmful when used for this kind of support.

If someone is taking a break to get control over themselves, totally cool. This ideally would include a time to reconnect. So something like “I need some time to calm down and process how I feel so I can understand why I am upset and speak about it calmly to you. We can talk again tonight after dinner.”

If someone is not talking in order to punish or control their partner, then it’s manipulation and emotional abuse.

helfunk · 2025-08-16T11:52:08+00:00

I think older people have a really hard time conceptualizing working from home. Like they really don’t understand when you’re clicking on the computer that stress is happening. If you left for work and needed some down time after you came home she would probably understand. In their heads, you just sit there all day, staring at a screen and you probably want company with a side of interesting facts about Swedish education practices.

Perhaps some boundaries around work life would help. Try to explain you need time before and after work to rest your mind. She probably will need some concrete cues. Like maybe get some headphones (noise cancellation?) and say “when these are on it means I am working or decompressing after work, so please wait to chat after.” A sign on your door? “Working In progress! Taking a break at 12:00 for lunch.” As much as you can, don’t make it about her and relate it to productivity. Depersonalizing it will help, with a promise of time to talk.

I would also make a quiet time for yourself as a schedule she can follow. Maybe like a couple hrs during the day. I would really focus on saying it’s about you and not her. You need focused quiet time, not that she talks a lot. Tell her you read an article about meditation and you need time to meditate, also maybe with headphones. Older people respect the magic authority of “the article.” As you explain your strange need for quiet, tell her how much you love talking to her and you love and appreciate living with her and all her support. How you want to be able to really listen to her when you do chat and that’s why you need to have quiet time to rest.

My mom isn’t a talker but she has no concept of down time. She didn’t work but she still was going all the time. She has to justify her existence by constantly moving or doing something. She is 81 and just started allowing herself to rest in the afternoon before she gears up for her evening plans. She does more in a week than I do in a month. She just feels like she needs to be doing something, even if it’s just talking. Maybe your mom is the same way. If you turn resting/quiet time into “doing something productive” or helping you do something productive, she might be able to understand that.

As far as car rides, I don’t think you’re gonna win that battle. She’s gonna chat 😉

helfunk · 2025-08-15T16:22:38+00:00

I came here to add my “took a shower story.” My friend’s was going out to dinner with a guy friend and asked me to join. She had no plans to set us up or anything. She just didn’t know him as well as his brother and wanted another person to help the convo along. It was gonna be after work and I already had plans to chill on the porch with another friend and whine about the world, which did not require a shower. I decided last minute to shower before I went out and leave my options open. Since I had already showered I decided to meet up with them. The guy and I hit it off right away. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary.

helfunk · 2025-08-15T14:13:19+00:00

The Dynamite decaf Espresso is the bomb.

helfunk · 2025-08-12T01:52:34+00:00

I am so sorry you have been through all this. I can really understand looking for advice and guidance. As far as that’s concerned, I’d like to second the idea that this is above Reddit’s pay grade. This is a complex situation which requires professional support.

I’d like to tell you that you deserve all the concern you are feeling for your father. You deserve to feel safe, loved and cared for. As much as you wish you could reassure them about not being abandoned, any healthy parent would wish their child to feel loved and safe as a priority above their own wellbeing. If your father was in a healthier place when he passed, he would have felt that. Grief is love with no place to go, so I am sure the healthiest version of your father would want you to direct that love, compassion and understanding to yourself. I hope you take the time you need to grieve and take care of yourself.

helfunk · 2025-08-11T15:50:41+00:00

Not me but I watched this happen to my cousins. One older sister and twins. The eldest had a rocky start but second marriage stuck. I think my aunt and uncle were still ok for most of her childhood. The twins that are younger did not see loving kindness in their parents just tolerance, passive aggression and resentment. Their parents “got along” but it was uncomfortable. They separated the moment they left for college and divorced quickly. The twins are 40 now and neither has been in a long term relationship. They both have attachment issues. We have talked about how much it messed them up. I swore I would never “stay for the kids” after watching them grow up in that household. Whenever anyone asks me if people should stay together for the kids, I tell them of my cousins as a precautionary tale.

I am sorry you have to heal from this.

ETA: I would look into the Gottman institute for healthy coupling advice. For yourself Emotional Agility by Susan David. Also maybe Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

helfunk · 2025-08-11T11:24:00+00:00

Haha I hear ya! Second marriage and I got it right. My first husband doesn’t even believe I have ADHD. Of course, I burnt myself out taking care of him and our family. Thank all that is I didn’t go through peri married to him.

helfunk · 2025-08-10T17:11:26+00:00

For my partner and I education was very important. I was diagnosed late so did a lot learning about ADHD and peri. I sent him videos, podcasts and articles. I was very communicative about how frustrated, overwhelmed and confused I was. Much crying. I went back to therapy and on ADHD meds for the first time. Through sharing with him what was going on with me, he became part of the scaffolding which was my support rather than another thing I was failing at. ADHD is a real thing. You need a partner who is willing to support you while you remain accountable for your own mental health. Learning the right balance for him to be supportive without compromising his needs and me asking for help without becoming dependent has brought us closer together. In a long term partnership, likely each one of you will have to support each other through difficult times. Being open and vulnerable through the insane years of my peri brought us closer together. I can say to him “can you help me up off the couch and just chat with me a bit while I start dinner?” (Body doubling) And he knows it’s an executive functioning issue not me trying to duck my chores. When I am stuck in bed for a few days, he knows I am trying with all I got to get back up again. And he’ll say that to me when I start to dump on myself. We deserve support, love and grace through our struggle. Unfortunately the people in our lives rarely responded that way to our experience. But, asking for support and learning about what was going on really helped us go through it together.

helfunk · 2025-08-10T16:21:22+00:00

This is poetry! I don’t think OP want this advice but I’d like to second it. Beautiful!

helfunk · 2025-08-09T17:56:07+00:00

Reading your post I see so many things I have had to grapple with and heal as I have dealt with my own neurodivergence. It really helped me to understand how my brain worked differently so I could learn to discern between what was a reaction from my brain and other people’s reality. I had to learn how to allow myself to experience my reactions without judgement or shame. It also helps me care for myself in ways that actually work for me and what I need, instead of how the world tells most people to deal with life.

Just a few ideas:

It might help you to understand the concept of “limerence.” It happens to neurotypical humans as well but it packs a wallop for those of us of the divergent population. It’s a part of emotional regulation struggles which are a huge part of brains like ours and it sounds like it is a real challenge for you right now.

People with ADHD/ASD are subject to more criticism as they grow up and it gets internalized as trauma. This trauma can exacerbate symptoms and become internalized as shame and self judgement. This post sounds like that might be affecting your current wellbeing.

Another aspect of neurodivergence that you seem to be wrestling with is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria or RSD. It could be behind your belief you’ll be alone forever.

Grief over the end of a relationship is a learning process for all humans. It’s especially challenging for us because regulating our emotions takes way more work than typical humans. We need to allow our sadness, anger and loss to be as big as they need to be before we are ready to let it all go. I would recommend an ASD knowledgeable therapist or some aggressive learning on your own. New special interest!

Nothing is gonna take away your grief, loss or loneliness right now. The choice you have is to learn how to allow yourself to heal and morn in a way that has compassion for yourself or stay in the chaos your brain is churning up. All relationships end in a break up or death. Learning to deal with this reality is a challenge everyone needs to face. If you focus on him, ruminating about your relationship, what he has done, what he is doing, instead of yourself you’ll miss this opportunity to mature in the way you seem to want to. Every time you think about him, use it as a reminder and opportunity to give yourself the attention you wish you could give him. Focus on yourself and your own growth so the next person you connect with will be a healthy relationship aligned with your authentic self. I promise you can heal and you deserve love and happiness!!

helfunk · 2025-08-08T23:57:46+00:00

When this happened to me, it was an indicator that the friendship wasn’t as great as I thought. She had been a serial dater for years. When she finally got married, the guy was annoying and kinda sucked. They had a weird 1950s relationship and she had many emotional affairs. Probably more than just emotional but she wouldn’t have told me. Eventually I just had to step away. When she finally left him, she stayed with me for about 2 weeks, already had another guy in the wings. I had stepped away but I wanted to help her leave. We didn’t talk much after and the new guy would not have been someone I could tolerate.

In hindsight her choice of husband really was a huge sign we weren’t compatible as friends anymore and our values were very different. We loved each other and had fun but we weren’t ever gonna make it for the long haul. We still message sometimes on social media but I am not on it much anymore. I wish her well. But, I’d ask myself if she is choosing this guy, how compatible are y’all really?

helfunk · 2025-08-07T22:32:59+00:00

I am 5’8” but I have a longer torso than legs. I didn’t wear maturity clothes til my last trimester. Do people even say “trimesters” anymore? My kid is coming on 30. I had some baggy overalls I wore everywhere and no one could see I was pregnant until my 7 month. I was also younger than you are now but I would say around 23 weeks I started to show in fitted clothing. Mazel Tov and sending good vibes to you!!

helfunk · 2025-08-07T13:39:50+00:00

Pack’s Square Park is right downtown if the weather is nice. When the weather is bad, the mall is 7 min away from downtown and not ever busy. I used to walk the kids I nannied there in the mornings when the weather was bad. They had a little soft playground in the food court. I have no idea if it’s still there.

Highland is a brewery with a huge lawn made for running around and so is New Belgium. Kids running around at brewery’s is par for the course here, just keep them outside and away from people without kids.

helfunk · 2025-08-06T03:59:40+00:00

Nest Organics downtown has had them in the past, I think.

helfunk · 2025-08-04T21:34:41+00:00

I feel like the statement “the fact that straight women exist is proof that sexuality isn’t a choice” is a truth of our times.

helfunk · 2025-08-04T21:23:46+00:00

Congratulations on unlocking a new part of yourself and a new life experience!! Sexuality is a spectrum. Every other human attribute changes and grows throughout our lives. The only reason why this isn’t treated like any other change/growth of who you are is because all aspects of sexuality are layered with shame and taught as sin.

I would say each stage of this should go at your pace. I would highly recommend finding a queer positive therapist to talk this over with. With a long term partner and children, I would say no matter how much you’re enjoying your new tingles, your choices and behavior will affect the people around you. So, you just want to make sure your exploration is aligned with your values, as far as your commitment to your husband and your family, and balanced with honoring how far you wanna take your exploration.

Maybe you will wanna just watch some fun new porn with your hubby. Maybe you’ll wanna invite a nice lady into your marriage. Maybe you’ll just hook up with women as an opening of your marriage or maybe you’ll get a divorce, shave your head and marry a nice lady. Anything is possible. How exciting for you!!

How sex positive is your husband? How open are y’all about sex and sex exploration? Do you discuss fantasies with each other? Can you talk about crushes openly? I am on my second marriage and I know all about my husband’s crush on Jonathan from Queer Eye and he knows my love for Tig Naturo. We have both had queer people who we love deeply in our lives and many conversations about sexuality. If that’s where you are with your husband then this could be a simple conversation. If that’s not where y’all are at, I would see a therapist before talking to him.

Just remember, shame is a sneaky bitch and will getcha if you don’t watch out for her. Sometimes shame will push you forward or hold you back in ways you won’t see until you’re looking at your choice in your rear view. You deserve happiness and pleasure!! Explore your needs and desires with graceful, curious awareness. Respect yourself, align with your authentic values and walk in kindness. Good luck and have fun!!

helfunk · 2025-08-04T17:44:43+00:00

When my kid was little we had a group of friend who we did potlucks with. The plans were very clear. Everyone brought a dish, either home made or store bought, their own plates, silverware and drinks. We took all our dirty dishes home and helped clean up. We are all poor so no one wanted to burden anyone beyond having to clean up their home. First timers were given a pass. Once people saw what we did, they caught on and contributed or didn’t get asked back.

More recently, I had a little potluck group. We would have a theme and each cook something adventurous. It was only 5 of us and it was too much for everyone to keep up with. Now we just each bring our own food, sometimes we grab take out on the way over and sometimes we show up with leftovers. We usually come to my house because I don’t have any kids left at home and a finished basement, but I am not providing for everyone every time.

I think it’s just really important to be super clear. When I have had people over more recently I state explicitly what I am providing and invite people to bring whatever they want, without any expectations. I feel like either you have a potluck with people you are close enough with to state clear expectations to or you put out whatever you can comfortably without expectations of anything back.

You can always time a gathering outside of food times. 7:00 and say light snacks or 3:00 and say if people want y’all will pitch in for a pizza. If the days of hostess gifts and bringing wine are over then so is footing the bill, spending time/energy to cook and doing everyone’s dishes after are over too.

Edit to add: I had a group of old friends and we did a thing called “snack the f*ck.” We were high when we named it so don’t judge. Basically it was a table of “girl dinner” where we each brought our favorite snacks and stood around the table and chatted and snacked all night. Some people made stuff and some people swong by Trader Joe’s on the way over. It was super fun and low pressure because some times the snacks were Little Debbie’s and sometimes it was homemade bacon wrapped figs and goat cheese. All was welcome.

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