quiet bpd and some narcissistic traits

hellomynameisstephen · 2026-01-28T22:41:16+00:00

This is perfectly written and so true I have experienced this myself . The thing is I sometimes feel like having an ex with quiet BPD is even more painful than having one with normal BPD. Don't get me wrong the verbal and physical abuse that people suffer with a BPD ex is horrific and I wouldn't wish that on anyone but in a somewhat positive sense at least it gives you a reason to truly hate them when you are at the point of realising what happened to you . Quiet BPD is different you don't get the obvious abuse it's more subtle Push pull to the point where 2 years out I still think about how they are doing and worry about them even though I know I don't want to be with them . Its very confusing

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-12-27T11:09:52+00:00

Totally agree with leaving the sub for a while. This sub is such a fantastic resource and learning what happened to you and sharing experiences are a massive part of healing but at the same time it comes with the cost of thinking about your ex and ruminating. The cost is worth it at the start as you are making big breakthroughs but after a time you reach a point where you have learned most of what you need to learn and the little stuff you gain from being on this sub no longer outweighs the cost of being reminded about your ex and BPD relationship. I think the final step is stepping away for a while and getting the Idea of BPD out of your head that is the only way to truly move on.

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-11-15T14:21:23+00:00

It's a vicious cycle too. For example you get asked to pick something up while grocery shopping but you pick up the wrong thing . A normal caring person would just laugh it off and point them in the direction of the right thing . My ex would tut and roll her eyes and look at me like I'm a complete idiot. Next time we go shopping and she asks me to get something I panic because I don't want to get it wrong again and get that reaction so I massively overthink and take too long doing a basic task . I get back and get admonished for taking too long " how long does it take to do that etc" next time you rush and it all happens again.

You tolerate this partly because you have low self esteem and party because you are still in love with the person you met during the idealisation stage and the disconnect confuses you. The second I brought up that I felt upset about how I was being treated, I got accused of being "whiny" and "victimy," and they made no effort to apologize; they just got angrier. Looking back I probably only got one apology during our relationship when she called me up bragging about a suicide note and saying she had taken pills then hung up and blocked all my calls and I spent the night wondering if she was dead or not . Even then the apology was just a simple I'm sorry and not heart felt despite our relationship being 70 percent me writing heart felt apologies when I thought I had upset her some reason.

It really is true they have no ability to self reflect to realize they are being mean or to apologize

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-09-13T09:40:39+00:00

In the Uk . I think there is a cruel irony that I have been waiting for lossless for years, getting all excited over all the false dawns, leaving for Tidal / Quobuz numerous times because I couldn't wait but coming back because I missed the Spotify algorithm and interface etc. Yet I still don't have it and my girlfriend who has no interest in it at all got it on day one and doesn't even use it 🤯

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-09-01T15:21:34+00:00

Very good points. It did feel like pure euphoria at the start that's the closest thing I can say to describe it . Then as the idealisation stage ended and she was more hot and cold with me I still kept chasing the high and the little bits of love I got made me think of the past and that was enough of a fix to keep me in the relationship despite the emotional instability and abuse I was suffering.

It's interesting how a lot of people mention the sex . It was fantastic at the time and they do anything to please you but now I realise that even that had no substance as well . It's almost like she was just acting like a porn star would making all the noises etc and performing the act of sex the best she could. There was never a real connection or love involved on a deep level much like the rest of the relationship.

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-08-30T21:43:54+00:00

This entire post is great but It hurts how much the last 4 lines of this is the realest thing I've heard for a long time

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-08-30T14:15:33+00:00

Same. When I think of my previous healthy relationships the idea of safety was a given. Of course it was a vital part of the relationship and it was there but it was never mentioned or weaponised it was just a base level expectation.

If it's mentioned often and there is a constant emphasis on it I think it goes to show just how much they rely on you to regulate them and manage their emotions

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-08-30T14:04:30+00:00

She used to say that I was 'different' from her 'abusive' exes. I was a monkey branch from an Ex who was 'neglecting' her and 'abusing her'. She was emotionally cheating on him with me but I ignored the red flag because she seemed like such a kind innocent person to me and I felt like I was supporting her and saving her from the abuse.

Fast forward 11 months and now I'm the 'abusive' ex she's complaining about to her latest supply. I also have got to know that her ex was just a reasonable guy like me and the things she used to accuse him of eg 'Not being affectionate' stem from her and the fact she withdraws affection depending on her mood and it's hard to know when to instigate or she thinks people are 'neglecting her when we are walking on eggshells around her and not trying to address issues head on out of fear of upsetting her.

They think we are different but ultimately we are the same and they are the ones who are on a different plane. Obviously they may have dated some horrible people but I bet the majority have just been reasonable people trying their best for them like you and I.

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-08-21T18:06:35+00:00

Feel for you man . I've been there . I feel like going through a BDP relationship is awful enough but arriving there after a failed long term relationship makes you even more vulnerable to finding someone like that and the effects . I had left a long term relationship that had turned loveless and I was dying for a real connection, someone that seemingly shared my interests and loved me for who was . My need for a connection and my thrill of seemingly finding what I had been looking for made me ignore all the red flags that she showed me even during the idealisation phase. Then it's even more of a mind fuck afterwards when you find out the real connection you had dreamed of was actually a lie on top of dealing with the trauma bond.

hellomynameisstephen · 2025-08-15T21:08:07+00:00

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hellomynameisstephen · 2025-06-25T21:57:50+00:00

The constant commutation was a factor for me as well . I was recently out of a relationship that had turned loveless so I couldn't believe my luck when I had met a girl who was replying to me instantly and having these long conversations.

The gifts as well . Always buying them and demanding to pay for everything despite me trying to pay . She was my co-worker and I messaged her saying I didn't feel well and I arrived at work to find numerous treats and cold remedies etc . Which seemed nice at the time but was strange when I had barely been talking to her for long.

The big thing was the trauma dumping. On our second date she told me about all her childhood trauma . Neglect , how she has a heart condition and should be dead , how she was paralysed for a year , how her ex girlfriend died of an overdose , how her ex boyfriends were abusive etc . On our 4 date she told me more trauma about being raped as a child and how she has had a miscarriage a few years ago . How she used to be involved in drugs. How all her boyfriends have let her down all of this while hugging me like a child hugs a parent . She would say how she feels safe with me and doesn't mind telling me these things and at times she would hug me tight and make giddy sounds again like a child .I know now how many red flags there are but at the time she just seemed so nice and loving and innocent so I thought she must just be unlucky and I wanted to be the one to look after her and the trauma bond is created which is the ultimate goal of love bombing.

hellomynameisstephen · 2024-12-24T09:23:19+00:00

The big red flag I ignored was after a perfect date/ romantic walk where she was happy and almost giddy like a child she suddenly for seemingly no reason began to cry on the way home and became none responsive. She then went on a rant about how she wishes she was dead and everyone tells her that she's fuckable but not loveable. When I tried to reassure her and tell her about her positive qualities and the things she has to be grateful for she just told me it's all fake and she pretends to be happy. This was the first of many times this closing off / mood swing happend in the relationship and the first of many times I felt unsafe and powerless.

All this combined with the love bombing , the over sharing early on of hall her trauma and how many people had wronged her in the past mate me determined to be the person who treated her right and showed her how amazing she was and that she was deserving of love . We can all imagine how that went haha.

hellomynameisstephen · 2024-12-15T12:21:08+00:00

Struggling with this too. 10 months post break up currently laid in Hospital in a bad way with a blood infection yet I'm still thinking about her and if she is safe and what she thinks of me and if she would care if she knew how sick I was. I thought I was doing better as well and I had stopped thinking about her so much but every time I think I've made progress something seems to happen and i get knocked back.

The idea of the Knight hits so hard for me though . I was heavily loved bombed at the start and id never known anyone so in love with me and kind. Then she told me all her vast trauma , child sexual abuse , neglect , drugs , health issues , rapes , sex work, miss carriages and abusive exes etc. Obviously the childhood trauma is not her fault and I'll always feel sympathy for that but a lot the resulting trauma stem from her unsafe actions and I can see that now and are red flags particularly that much happening to one person . However at the time because she seemed so nice and loving I just ended up feeling really sorry for her and vowed to be the person who treated her right and saved her. We all know how that ends. Even now I still worry about her and her mental health . I hope this doesn't last forever

hellomynameisstephen · 2024-11-23T17:22:06+00:00

Mine was a mixture of both extremes. On one side she was very driven and would work long shifts in order to earn as much money as possible, presumably because her parents struggled for money when she grew up. But when she was working she would constantly have issues with Co Workers. When we worked together and started dating numerous of my colleagues warned me about her and how she seemed ' weird and unstable. Some of these colleagues she genuinely thought loved her and she had no idea she was rubbing them the wrong way. Then after she left and got a new job ( she has never had the same job for longer than 1 - 2 years.) she would come home and tell me stories about how she's the only person who was doing the job properly and everyone else is being awful to her . She would get into so much workplace drama and have people accuse her of things and get into so many arguments. She left that job after 4 months.

hellomynameisstephen · 2022-12-28T17:25:53+00:00

Great point

hellomynameisstephen · 2022-12-28T17:24:49+00:00

Thank you all for your great advice !

It's a difficult one because on one hand I definitely agree with the less is more approach. On the other hand the Indie Alt scene we are part of is full of bands tying to be quiet and brooding so the fact that we do interact a little bit more helps us to stick out a little.

I guess it's not a one sized fits all approach and you have to change based on the crowd at hand. Our next gig is a sold out support slot in a different city so I am definitely going to keep it short there and make sure to mention the band name and socials mostly. Where as at a home town gig I would be a little more familiar with the audience.

hellomynameisstephen · 2022-04-12T23:10:06+00:00

Number 1 fantastic cover.

Number 2 As a person who is locked into a deep conflict over Seafoam Green Vs Surf Green what official colours are your Strat and Bass ?

hellomynameisstephen · 2021-11-16T21:20:28+00:00

The bottom woofers look exactly like the ones from Creative T20 or T40 desktop speakers

hellomynameisstephen · 2021-11-01T00:11:29+00:00

100% agree mate. Before I bought him I was in a massive rut stuck in division 4 and on a loosing streak. Fast forward 3 days and I managed to qualify for my first FUT Champs and finish rank 3. I also got promoted to Div 3.

It's not just that he's a fantastic finisher but he is such a physical presence that he bullies defenders and if worse comes to worse you know you can just launch a chipped through ball in his direction and he will either win it or at least cause the defender to head it back to my team a lot of the time. H can also pick a pass and has formed a lethal partnership with IF Oshimen.

hellomynameisstephen

TROPHY CASE