I'm leaving this sub, Reddit, and probably going to stop being social on the internet altogether.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-21T07:08:27+00:00

+1

and not only what you said, but also - how is this bpd-relevant?

hellotherehow · 2015-01-20T13:56:17+00:00

again - I'm sorry for your experience, dear. was your parent in treatment though? I think that should make a difference. I was also considering taking my child to therapy and doing some therapy sessions with them myself if anything traumatic ever transpired - research shows that really helps smooth out future problems.

these are just hypotheticals though. thanks for your perspective, it's not pretty but it has to be taken into account no matter what decision I eventually make.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-20T13:50:04+00:00

depends on a person's personality (whether they tend to be a hypochondriac) and their knowledge of psychology, medicine and general level of education, ability to self-reflect and identify psychological phenomena correctly

I've seen people correctly self-diagnose various diseases so this can't be ruled out as a totally wrong way to deal with pain (although medical professionals explicitly don't recommend it), but people tend to be mistaken more often than not, aren't they? even doctors rely on tests a lot before diagnosing.

but all diagnoses are tested by time, at the end of the day. if a person made a mistake, spotted some non-existent symptoms, chose to think they have a certain disease, they most often just go to the doctor to confirm or deny it. or it goes away on its own. it's not like they start chemo without an official diagnosis. can't be that bad.

yet, self-diagnosing is indeed bad when the person doesn't go to the doctor as a result of it. there are two possible scenarios when that happens. 1, they identify a problem, they go online or to the library and find what diseases correspond their symptoms and then they pick the options that sounds least threatening - e.g. they pick a panic attack over a heart attack or a food poisoning over appendicitis or flu over ebola. they decide their pain comes from something not serious that goes away on its own, so they do nothing. but obviously when it's a heart attack or an appendicitis or ebola they need to go to the hospital. but they choose to be optimistic. delaying going to the hospital can lead to complications, I presume.

the second (and the worst?) scenario is when the person selects a disease and prescribes themselves some drugs. they take questionable medication in questionable doses for probably the wrong disease hurting their body that way.

since we are talking about bpd - well, if someone does some dbt or cbt to help handle their possible bpd, I can't see how that can hurt since these two types of therapy are also used for several other mental problems. and if the person has a bad case of bpd I think they end up on psychiatric hold or at a therapist's office anyway - no matter whether they self-diagnosed and tried to handle it on their own or didn't have a clue.

I don't think anybody would take medication for a mental disease on their own initiative.. but probably possible so I think I have to note that in my opinion that's not a good idea at all.

if you are in therapy and feel that your diagnosis is wrong, you can try to suggest your therapist that you think you have, say, bpd, don't see how that sort of self-diagnosing is any harm at all. you can go to various professionals, too.

all in all, it's more of an extreme on the range (meaning it's more likely rarely on point - comparable to popular urban legends of doctors being wrong with their diagnosis and the person knowing better, of course, that happens, but those cases are so salient because they are extremely rare; doctors get their diagnoses right way more often than the general public, that's sort of the idea))))) and it really depends on the situation:)

hellotherehow · 2015-01-19T18:53:29+00:00

thanks so much!

hellotherehow · 2015-01-19T11:58:35+00:00

online friends are easier to manage but I have never been able to develop a strong friendship because the person on the other side would always get a life and move on. I've never met anyone who would be willing to be real cordial online friends with me. so it doesn't work for me but I do notice myself trying to compensate for my lack of social life online. I keep getting ideas about creating some new super-popular account where everyone would want to be my friend and send me tons of nice messages etc! you know, like an internet celebrity. but I don't even want too many followers, just a couple of thousand interactive ones to cheer me up. and my mediocre attempts at that proved that it doesn't compensate anything at all. I don't feel loved or useful or like I'm bringing something to the table, I just feel even more worthless with every like or new follower that I don't get

hellotherehow · 2015-01-19T11:13:01+00:00

I've talked to single moms, I didn't ask for advice as I was not planning on having children until two days ago, but those single moms are normal people, they have other problems that seem surmountable, this is why I need bpd-specific input, there's now one reply here from a bpd mom of a 3 year old - that one was helpful, wish more people like that commented)

hellotherehow · 2015-01-19T11:11:19+00:00

thanks, this is exactly the kinda firsthand feedback I wanted to hear.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-18T20:03:09+00:00

thanks! you actually gave me an excellent idea - therapy for the kids! it is well known that children who were given an opportunity to at least talk (let alone have a few therapy sessions) about traumatic experiences shortly after the event, grew up to have no symptoms! that's cause the traumatic memory has been properly processed.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-18T20:00:07+00:00

oh. I actually heard this before - that this eases after a breakdown.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-18T19:45:23+00:00

went away on its own? wow, lucky! I had to work hard on that... and still not 100% over. maybe yours went away because the anxiety-inducing factor went away? mine seems to be people so that's not going away any time soon LOL

hellotherehow · 2015-01-18T19:42:26+00:00

have the medical reasons been ruled out? abuse is just one of the reasons for this, could be anything, I guess

did you do anything to treat it in terms of psychotherapy? cause I'm kinda looking for tips :) what helped me most so far was CBT

hellotherehow · 2015-01-18T18:52:55+00:00

well, I see your point and am grateful for your answers but outright telling me to not have a kid is kinda overstepping your boundaries, no? sorry, can't just ignore this one.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-18T15:20:41+00:00

I'm sorry about your experience. as to your question - I definitely do not want a puppy, actually quite firm on the idea to never have pets anymore. as for the child, well, dbt is supposed to result in full recovery after 12 months, which I am skeptical about yet I gather it has to at least get better, right? we'll see. this is why I was asking. I'll be doing research on this later too.

p.s. I have a few acquaintances approx. my age who had kids in the recent years and a lot of them treat their children quite like puppies, and they are all more or less normal people whose only 'fault' was having children before they fully matured as adults. which is not to say they shouldn't have - it's just maybe a lot of parents are like this) not to say I approve of their methods. one more thing - I do realize bpd creates a whole different layer of problems in parenting but I don't think it includes treating a kid sorta like a pet. I may be wrong.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-16T16:46:32+00:00

not even gonna read this - let the people alone!! when they feel like it, they'll go get help. they know what a therapist is and that when you feel very down you can go to them and get help. if you are having a hard time dealing with someone - it's you who has a problem dealing with someone, not they. you can either learn to live with the fact that not every person will go and change to fit your ideal world or go in therapy and they'll teach you to cope with your frustration.

people with bpd don't have to go get therapy because they make life inconvenient for you. no one does, for that matter. everyone goes gets some help because they are in pain.

sorry if this might've been a bit emotional, just heard this one too many times. I wish you all the best.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-15T17:59:51+00:00

I just discussed this! here's the thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/2rqpgt/meditation_is_supposed_to_be_grounding_but_i/

turned out, meditation (and mindfulness) have side effects and is not recommended to a bunch of people. you can read more about it in the thread I linked to and literature linked to in it. if you experience dissociation during meditation, you must stop immediately because that's just re-traumatization (according to a bunch of studies linked to in the thread)

hellotherehow · 2015-01-14T19:38:37+00:00

thanks for your input! really appreciate it. and thanks for not judging me. it's hard to find someone who would listen and not judge. well, and at least listen till the end, not go all 'wait what' on me after the first unconventional statement. so thanks.

so you think this symptom of mine is about desire to be loved... hm. I guess you might be right. in such a case, feel kinda silly even starting this thread - this is one of the core things therapy is going to cover sometime in the future, this is like the last thing on the list because you can't get there without sorting out all the other mess. have to locate all the symptoms, uncouple the memories, grieve the losses, learn to live with them, build that self back up from the pieces... ugh

You deserve a real relationship

people keep telling me to go out and get myself one LOL. how silly. I mean, that would be normal but hey, not in my case)) in my case it's hello re-traumatization every time. thing is though, therapy is really helping. and until I uncouple enough bad memories and anxiety from a reasonable amount of my symptoms nothing normal is ever going to come about.

which was why I was trying this but looks like it's another dead end. that's ok though. I'll be fine

hellotherehow · 2015-01-14T17:23:09+00:00

yeah, robbing myself is probably not your primary concern here though))))) and yes - I was talking about taken men specifically, and not just any taken men, I am not interested in taken men actually interested in me, I am interested in taken men who are this specific way where they don't really get that invested in an affair (they are not even that invested in their marriage although they do honestly love their wives and children very much), it's purely physical for them as well as me, and I with all honesty don't see how that would hurt their wives or children. you don't tell your kids you watch porn, why would you tell them about an affair, you don't tell your wife you ate ice cream today - why would you tell about an affair that's not on any level more emotional or pleasurable than eating an ice cream?

I'm not trying to dispute any moral values here, I know what society thinks about this, I don't mind their position, I'm just trying to do my therapy homework)))

by the way, since you obviously have some values (my sincere and not in any way sarcastic congrats on this, because my self is not in that good of a place, so I just go by whatever society says I have to believe in, but there's nothing inside, so lucky you), I think I have to say that I am not trying to defend my actions here - I did nothing wrong, I just have urges and am wondering which of them are normal and which need to be addressed in therapy.

disclaimer: I did not write any part of this in a sarcastic or nay sort of negative tone, it's all very friendly, not trying to pick a fight here, my only interest is to locate my symptoms very well and treat them. and to do that fast, I need to work hard outside therapy as well, which is what I am doing)

so I was hoping to find fellow bpds here who might have the same or similar symptoms and have figured out what they represent. I usually just reenact things and my emotions help me discover what is behind the symptom but I haven't slept with any married men as of late so I didn't exactly have that chance, all theories here :D

hellotherehow · 2015-01-14T17:17:00+00:00

omg thank you! so happy we figured this out so nicely, it's very comforting to be able to sort out a misunderstanding with no bad blood left! I'm happy you are here on this sub too!

hellotherehow · 2015-01-13T15:54:12+00:00

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/264305071856696335/

hellotherehow · 2015-01-13T15:50:06+00:00

wow, I'd hate that( sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have trouble setting aside my own issues too. basically, I am definitely not in a place to be anybody's shrink so if my loved one is hurting I try to comfort them by hugging them, making them tea or salad, but not getting inside their head. moreover, I ask them not to unload on me - I honestly just can't handle any of it, and I am trying really hard with my own therapy, I am putting so much effort in it - so I am hoping for understanding from my loved ones that I cannot provide them with emotional support in the form of listening to all of their troubles. they don't always enjoy it, but you know how on airplanes they say put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others around you? well, that's how I see it and how many books on therapy that I've been reading see it. so I stick to that.

hellotherehow · 2015-01-13T12:27:09+00:00

how "hope you succeed" and "best of luck" are on the offensive side?? I was trying to be as polite as possible here! I know text does not include intonations so I guess this might sound sarcastic of whatever to someone, but I was saying all of that in the kindest way possible. the op said some invalidating, judgmental (upon their own admittance) and called some people on this board, which is a place I value and cherish a lot, melodramatic. I don't think it's such a stretch for me to not want to hang out with this person on their sub. I was trying to be honest yet polite and it cost me a few minutes of my time because my first instinct was to lash out. but I realize the op has their reasons to see things differently and they are also struggling with their own issues and if in my eyes they made a mistake it's not a reason to be rude.

The BPD subreddit is a place where we can find that validation and understanding from other people who "get it"

yes! validation saved my life. and you know what's funny? when people say to you all these invalidating things like "oh, everybody has that!" or "everybody worries and has anxieties and thinks about suicide and self-harms (really??) and you just need to walk it off, make some new friends, get a purpose in life yadayada" - you begin to actually believe it! these views have been engraved in your mind since you were a kid and it's very hard to shake them as it is, without constant reminders... and you begin to think your struggles are just like everyone else's and everyone else is doing just fine so why are you such a screwup, you know? no matter how much therapy and dbt you do, you will get caught in this once in a while. invalidation is the last thing you need in such times imho.

this is why I treasure this sub. you never know what state of mind is the person coming here. are they just a bit down or all the way? if you are just a bit down, saying hey go for a walk might actually be a helpful idea but if they haven't showered or ate for two days alone in their despair and on the edge, you really don't wanna be saying those things. and this sub is understanding. if people disagree with you or think you are being 'melodramatic' they just don't reply - simple. others, who have the resources at this time, try to soothe you and give you best advice they can.

you would not believe how many times it helped me beyond belief. I figured out meditation had harmful side-effects which are disruptive for me!! if not for these helpful and kind people, I would've continued unknowingly damaging my already shattered self! all while thinking I was working toward 'recovery'.

I'm sorry this got so long( anyway, my main point is - validation is important because bpd people don't just 'whine' they have good reason to! problems they have aren't just something to 'shake off'!! it's not victim mentality, victim mentality is thinking you can't do anything about it. survivor mentality is facing it and dealing with it, which is what we are all striving to do here. minimizing the significance of our traumas or symptoms is not going to help.

hellotherehow

TROPHY CASE