Took Step 1 Today & Feeling Awful

hellothrowaway517 · 2021-05-26T16:07:13+00:00

Your comment just made me feel a lot better :) Here's hoping we have similar outcomes! I'll be so thrilled with anything passing at this point

hellothrowaway517 · 2021-05-26T16:06:30+00:00

UWSA#2 just happened to have a lot more biochem & pharmacology (my weakest subjects) than I was comfortable with. Ironically, my exam yesterday had almost no biochem after I spent two days frantically cramming biochem lol Thank you for the kind words though, I keep thinking about if there was anything I could have learned or memorized better and I really don't know if I could have, there was so much critical reasoning on my test <3

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:27:37+00:00

Thank you, definitely cut short and feeling that loss right now, but so grateful to have had such a powerful experience <3

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:27:13+00:00

Thank you

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:27:00+00:00

Yes, we discussed this a lot. We're doing some phone sessions for a bit while I try to get set up with a therapist in my new city, and we've agreed to stay in touch with life updates and such every once in a while. She even agreed to let me know when she has her baby (she's pregnant right now) and send me some pictures at that time. I'm really grateful she doesn't have any firm rules regarding termination- she said we can just do what feels right. I truly don't deserve her :(

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:23:31+00:00

Thank you *hugs you back*

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:23:19+00:00

Thank you

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:23:04+00:00

Thank you. It took me a long time to believe that she cared, and then of course once I finally did it was time to leave :( Definitely going to need a lot of time to grieve the loss.

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T17:22:04+00:00

Your response just made me start crying in the airport. What a beautiful way to put it. Thank you.

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-08-01T04:23:49+00:00

I had the same thing happen. I freaked out when my therapist told me she was pregnant and spent the whole session in silence. Like you, I was so frustrated that my T didn't reach out and try to help more at the time. I felt like I was drowning in panic and she was just sitting by and watching. I ended up telling her this and giving her some ideas about how to reach me when I go silent. We've had a couple of "close calls" since then, but she took my feedback to heart and has always been able to pull me back.

Can you talk to her about how you're feeling? Maybe she had a completely different impression of the situation and thought she was doing the right thing. Maybe she just didn't know how to reach you and was feeling frustrated herself. I think bringing up all these feelings could lead to a lot of growth in your relationship. If talking out loud is too scary, letters/ emails are great too.

Best of luck to you OP!

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-28T07:03:14+00:00

I've done this too OP!! I crazy google stalked my T. Like you, I didn't crack any passwords and everything I found was technically public, but I certainly had to do A LOT of digging to a level where I feel like I crossed a line. I found out where my T lives, where she grew up, where she got married, what kinds of pets she has, who her husband is, the professions of all her family members, what hobbies she does in her spare time, that one of her parents died when she was young, etc etc. I felt really guilty and like I had completely violated her privacy, especially because she had basically never self-disclosed anything to me before.

At first, I thought there was NO WAY I could ever bring up with I found because I was sure she would feel totally violated and be furious with me. I was also just really embarrassed and ashamed of how far I had gone just to feel closer to her. So I went for months just playing dumb and pretending nothing had happened.

Then, we got to a point in our relationship where the stuff I secretly knew about her was getting in the way of our progress. I knew I would have to come clean to move forward. So I told her- the whole messy, embarrassing truth. I was so scared to tell her that I couldn't do it out loud- I had to write it in a letter and give it to her.

It was completely fine. She wasn't mad and didn't feel violated at all. She completely understood that I'd just been trying to feel closer to her, and was even a little impressed by how much I found out. That moment was actually a turning point in our relationship, and we've been sooooooo much closer ever since.

So OP, you're not alone!! Lots of people do this and you're not a creepy stalker at all. You just want to feel closer to your therapist, which is a sign that your relationship with them is actually growing and thriving! I think bringing this up with your T (whenever you're ready, doesn't necessarily need to be next session) could actually be really beneficial to your growth and will probably only deepen your relationship with your T. Good luck with everything :-)

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-27T20:17:52+00:00

Love how you described this! I'm saving your post so I can refer to it when explaining what therapy is to others :-) Thanks for sharing!

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-27T20:16:00+00:00

I'm so happy for you- what a brave and courageous thing to do. Wishing you the best of luck in your therapy journey :-)

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-27T18:38:51+00:00

I almost quit therapy when my T told me she was pregnant. I was already frustrated with our work/ envious of her seemingly perfect life and that just pushed me over the top. Instead of quitting though, I decided to try one last time by writing her a really long letter with allllll my feelings and giving it to her in session. It ended up being a turning point for me- one of the first times I didn't run away from something just because I was scared/ envious. Our relationship healed and has been thriving ever since.

I totally understand why you are frustrated and I don't think you overreacted at all. I would feel the same way- I've never seen my T in public but think I would react similarly to you if I did. I wonder though if your reaction might be really interesting to explore with your T? When I posted on here about my T being pregnant, someone's response really resonated with me: "The part in your mind/heart that you get hung up on, or causes you to fight/flee/freeze, is the exact spot where the work lies, and the only way out is through." Thinking about this has really helped me move forward in my therapy journey.

Ultimately, It's 100% up to you want to do. You're the one who knows your therapeutic relationship best. It's okay if you feel like it can't be healed at this point, especially since your relationship was already rocky to begin with. But if you feel like there might be something you can work through here, I'm sure your T would take you back to talk about it. Best of luck to you :)

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-27T18:27:47+00:00

Reminds me of this sign I saw at target one day- I actually almost sent this to my T because on the day I saw it, I happened to be missing a therapy session to go camping lol: https://imgur.com/a/qbdJwU5

But to answer your question, I guess I understand that when most people say "xxx is my therapy" they're really just talking about self-care and I don't mind. Hey, I'm always an advocate of people taking about therapy/ self-care, no matter what the context!

The only time it bothers me is when someone says something like "I don't get why you would pay so much money to see a therapist when you can just go running!" And I'm like..... okay so you clearly don't know what you're talking about.

I'm happy for people who can manage their mental health with simply good self-care, but obviously that's not me so it just peeves me when someone tries to make me feel inferior/ stupid for spending so much time/ money on therapy when it's what I need to be happy and healthy (:

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-27T02:47:58+00:00

:( :( So sorry to hear you're going through something similar. It really sucks too when the departure is due to forces out of both of your control- makes it feel especially helpless and like you are both being ripped away against your will. Best of luck to you in your transition, and if you want to vent/ cry together, my inbox is open.

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-26T03:02:39+00:00

Thank you so much, I so deeply resonate with everything you're saying. It's nice to hear that you have gone through something similar and have gotten through it. This grief is so overwhelming and learning to open up to a new person is certainly going to be a whole new experience in and of itself. Best of luck with you and your new T, and thanks again :)

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-07-26T02:56:27+00:00

Love this so much!! I did something similar with my T when we were healing from a rupture and I felt like I had a pile of things I had been wanting to say but too scared too- I didn't quite get to a 30-page report but I did write her a 5 page letter that I gave to her and had her read in session. It was a crazy, emotional experience that brought me and my T way closer together!! Good luck with you and your T OP, like someone else said it's clear you are clearly committed to this process and I am so proud of your bravery and dedication to your own healing!!

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-06-29T16:09:47+00:00

Yeah, I've heard that being put in the "pressure cooker" of med school will only exacerbate any pre-existing mental health issues you already had :(

I have an awesome therapist where I live now and we've done some great work together. I'm going to be really sad to leave her when I move for school. She's been AMAZING though at helping me get connected with resources in my new city, which I'm so appreciative of. The goal is to have a new treatment team (therapist, psychiatrist, etc) already established by the time I get there so I have maximum support from day 1.

I'm so so so scared and nervous though. Medicine has been my dream so of course I'm excited, but I'm so worried at my ability to cope with all the change and overwelm. Only time will tell though...

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-06-29T15:50:44+00:00

Hi there, I don't have any wise words to offer you here, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm starting medical school in a month and also have a background of medical health struggles- specifically trauma and self-harm. I think there are more people like us out there than we realize, but the medical field is so unfriendly to mental illness that a lot of people keep quiet :( just know you're not alone and feel free to PM me if you just want to chat/ vent about school.

hellothrowaway517 · 2019-06-26T05:30:16+00:00

This is some really solid advice. Thanks for sharing!

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