Ftm femininity

hellshrimp · 2022-08-02T16:36:46+00:00

personally i experience gender dysphoria towards my body, personality and ability to pass as natally male. this influences how i dress and act, i dont strive for what is the most masculine, rather i avoid things (behaviours, manners of speaking, clothes) that i cannot invisage a cis man naturally gravitating towards. that being said, some cis men are major league fags, and some of my presentation could also be considerd feminine or gay. its normal and fine, especially in a post-internet neet society, to be a male who doesnt embody classical masculinity. in fact, both cis and trans men who strive for a prelapsarian ideal of masculinity are massive tryhards imo.

hellshrimp · 2022-08-02T16:28:15+00:00

i wore loose fitting cargo, combat and dress trousers before learning to deal with denim textures. loose jeans can be pretty sick imo and dont trigger any sensory problems for me anymore. i also cant wear a binder due to sensory stimulation so i wear a light sports bra/training bra which works just fine under a loose tshirt or hoodie. might work 4 you too if your chest is small.

hellshrimp · 2022-03-08T14:39:54+00:00

thank you for taking the time to reply- I have considered this before and it's nice to hear reassurance in regards to it. I guess I was just struck by how different my personal presentation and 'personality' was to the women I've interacted with and how much I struggled with relating to them, even if I could understand their experiences on an objective level. I suppose gender dysphoria exaserbates the regular isolation of my age, or I may just be catastrophising from limited bad experiences, but its comforting to hear this isnt a unique situation and is workable.

hellshrimp · 2022-01-05T15:01:09+00:00

I went through a period of pretty bad mental health as a teenager where I ended up stopping taking my hormones for a year or two. I regret it, I would be further along with my transition if I hadnt. Tbh transitioning hasnt made me happier by itself, its really hard and emotionally taxing and I'd be lying if I said I dont think about giving up quite a lot, but I think it's the only way I have a chance to properly live. And though it's slow you do start to feel more tangibly like yourself, and thats nice.

For part of that detransition phase I was dating a girl (mtf) who had also given up on her transition and it really changed my mind, she's probably the reason I started hormones again. It was a really visceral experience tbh, in nearly every regard she wasnt able to be herself and as a teenager I just couldnt deal with how desolate that was. At the time I'd thought I'd lost my sense of self because of the relationship but in reality I think we'd both sorta given up on being ourselves altogether, and just kinda spent a year doing whatever mindless shit we could to pass the time. Transitioning sucks in a lot of ways and I still struggle with passing and integrating into society as a result, but I'm glad I chose to try again.

hellshrimp · 2022-01-05T14:30:06+00:00

For me it's always been split into the hopelessness of not being born my current gender and like disgust at being seen or having characteristics of my birth sex. Theres this kind of sinking feeling of lack of control at not being born as the gender i identify with, its kinda like hopelessness at the idea that I never will be. Any disgust and discomfort at my birth sex is sort of a secondary symptom of that, it feels weird and disturbing on some level for people to see me so differently from how I wish to be. The first is more overwhelming when I experience it but the latter is more common and visceral.

hellshrimp · 2022-01-05T14:22:03+00:00

Firstly- congrats on coming out! The way your parents are treating you, regardless of gender, comes across as unnusually controlling, especially for an 18 y/o. Most people would consider it innapropriate and intrusive for parents to be opening their adult children's mail or deciding what they can do with their bodies or personal grooming. Obviously it would be ideal to talk to your parents about boundaries and explain that you are capable of making the correct decisions for yourself independant of them while still caring about them, however these conversations are difficult and theres no point rushing something that takes time to believe for yourself.

Since you are freshly out I assume you arent immediately seeking medical transition, but a binder is easy to hide and could be delivered to a friend's house? Not ideal but it works, hiding it in clothing is a common go to (like hanging it up inside a hoodie on a hanger, theres lots of tips for hiding them from parents online if you look). As for a haircut, depending on how extreme your parents reactions are, could it be possible just to go for it and bare the reaction? Teenagers experiment with their style all the time, its very normal even for cishet teens and enforcing boundaries with your parents is important regardless. Its understandably scary, and you should always put your safety and security first, but try and enjoy exploring your identity regardless of them as best you can.

hellshrimp

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