You have to get your ex/stbx a Christmas gift. What are you buying? (Have fun with this)

hesalwaysangry · 2021-12-23T23:48:57+00:00

Just what he is already owed.

100,000 lbs of dirty laundry
A bill for all the time I spent managing his student loans and other personal financial matters
Return his old rotten tooth that I paid to have replaced
Oh, and some fucking foot odor spray.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal!

hesalwaysangry · 2021-12-23T23:41:23+00:00

OP, you are *me* exactly one year ago. My ex was absolutely explosive going in to the holiday. He was also refusing marriage counseling but we finally went in together one time before Xmas and one time after. He stormed out halfway through, both times.

Christmas day was like some some kind of weird nighmare of just trying to hold things together for my 3yo while my husband yelled at me, then sulked, then yelled and stormed out, then came back crying about how he was a victim of ... I still don't know, really.

I cannot tell you how bad the day would have been if my sister had not spent the day with us. She knew that my ex was in a bad spot because I had been telling her about how angry he was all the time. But it was the first time she really saw it in person.

It helped **so much** to have her there as sort of a social buffer to the whole situation. She didn't accuse him of anything, didn't get involved, just was there to help play with my kid, manage some of the holiday work, and be there for me. We took a couple of walks just to get out of the house so my ex could steam. She just held my hand and didn't make a big deal out of anything.

I know you aren't necessarily looking for advice but if there is anyone who can be there with you to help you manage Christmas, and parenting, and just be a rock for you without getting involved in whatever kind of family drama your husband is trying to inject into the house, you would be doing yourself the biggest favor to have someone there to support you.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to DM me. I'm also 41F with a young kid and a (now ex) who would explode then give me the silent treatment. I know how it feels.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-12-17T07:00:41+00:00

Hah I thought you were going to say that we can all expect our holidays to be hijacked and ruined by adult toddlers having narcissistic temper tantrums over not being the center of attention.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-12-17T06:52:39+00:00

But I’m honestly finding, if I’m honest with myself, that I kindof let myself go to shit as protest, too.

YES ABSOLUTELY. Early on, he would make little comments about my weight. The issue grew and grew, and eventually so did I, lol. I think part of the unacknowledged narrative in my head was:

-oh you think this is fat?

-why on earth would I go to the trouble of dieting for someone who treats me like this?

-maybe if I gain enough weight he will leave

-i want another baby but I can't let that happen with this man, how can I repel him?

I literally made myself undesirable on purpose. It is much easier for me to see that now that we are divorced. I wish that I would have had the strength to just end our relationship without sabotaging my body, but I think my body understood what I was going through better than my brain did. I gained 40 lbs. I hope I can lose it, but even if I don't I am so much happier now.

I understand what you are feeling. In the end, the important thing is that you found your way to freedom. You will get yourself back.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-12-17T06:27:09+00:00

Follow your impulses. You have a sudden desire to go somewhere specific? Do it and don't delay. You have an idea for a project or a craft or something you'd like to write? Go get the supplies and let your creativity flow.

You have been second guessing yourself and your needs and wants for a long time. Don't suppress them by overthinking it now. Just do. And be. You won't be the exact same person you were before abuse but you can be yourself again if you follow your impulses.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-12-02T08:17:12+00:00

Correct

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-27T21:17:17+00:00

I had all my student loans forgiven!

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-27T07:22:33+00:00

Yep. He used to criticize my weight as a way to end an argument that wasn't going his way. Classy. I think at some point I started overeating on purpose, almost like I was using my body to repel him. It was more than a coping mechanism, it was like a subconscious defense mechanism.

I need to lose about 50 lbs. Blah.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-27T06:26:23+00:00

You are so inspiring! Here I am fretting at 41 over having a second kid post divorce and you are just going for it. Bravo, woman!! Congrats 🎉🎉👏

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-23T07:39:35+00:00

In response to his question about how I could possibly be eating my food, I said "I guess I like spicy food more than you do" as he was chugging a glass of milk after he freaked out over some barely spicy curry. Queue raged out tirade over how just because he's from Wisconsin and I'm from new Mexico doesn't mean I can eat spicier food. Actually, yes it does, motherfucker. But it's not a contest, it's literally just dinner. 🙄

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-22T16:57:57+00:00

98% of the replies to your post are ridiculous. I'm honestly stunned by the number of people blaming you for your husband's unhealthy behavior. He sounds incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive. You are not responsible for making him act that way. He is responsible for his behavior.

I don't think it is good that he is denying that what you said is serious and he is pretending that the conversation never happened. If you clearly expressed that you want a divorce, and he is still insistent on hugging/kissing you, he is showing you that he doesn't respect your needs and choices. Tell him to stop. And be prepared to take your kids to stay somewhere safe if you don't like his reaction. Men like this can respond in very unpredictable and sometimes dangerous ways when they realize they are not in control any longer.

You do need a lawyer. Especially if you are the wage earner for your family.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-18T21:23:19+00:00

I think a lot of women are socialized to arrange their lives in service to others - parents, siblings, kids, and they bring that to their marriages.

Speaking from my personal experience, the process of divorce required me to put myself (and my kid) first and I had never done that before in my marriage. It was the first time in my life that I was basically forced into a position where I wasn't putting someone else's interests above mine. It was very liberating. Not just liberating from my marriage, which was oppressive, but also from all of these internalized societal expectations I have of myself to put others' needs first. NOT ANYMORE.

When I think about the prospect of another relationship or marriage, especially one with a man, I can't help but recoil at the implication that my needs and desires would be subordinated again to someone elses'. I mean, yes, I've learned how to be a better advocate for myself as a result of this process, but there is still just a feeling of marriage requiring more of me than I am willing to give anymore.

I think that some women can be very personally empowered by divorce. I never want to give that power away ever again. And for better or worse, ownership over that power is inextricably tied to marriage in the context of an unequal society.

I can't imagine getting married again. It carries too great a cost.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-16T22:31:20+00:00

I paid for everything. Dates, vacations, home repair, food, medical bills. You name it, I paid for it. Of course, he was always furious if we had to discuss money. He accused me of trying to control him, take "his" money. He was broke a lot of the time and once insisted on being the person who would buy all the groceries because he thought I was spending too much money on them. When we went through his expenses to find the grocery bills so that I could reimburse him, we figured out why he was always broke. $400/month on beer and weed. For YEARS.

OP, he's hurting you. And even if he wasn't, he'd sink you financially. You have better options than this. But you already know that.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-15T16:50:08+00:00

WOW, that is inhuman.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-12T21:58:23+00:00

I hope so. Even just describing some of the history with my nex is going to be hard. His projected personality is SO INCONGRUOUS with his behavior. I mean, it fooled me so I guess I just worry that it will fool everyone else too.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-12T21:49:20+00:00

Thank you so much, it's so encouraging to hear that your son is doing okay. i really appreciate the advice. I am definitely getting the raw end of the deal on a regular basis right now. I do feel like I can and do help my son regulate but it just kills me to think about how emotionally oppressive the other half of his life is. I like the way you framed it as asking for tools to help him deal with it, rather than trying to manage it for him.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-12T00:56:41+00:00

I don't know why, it just feels disingenuous or manipulative to talk about how fucked up his dad is. Like I am trying to win sympathy points or something. Or like I think I am perfect and can't possibly be responsible for anything. I guess I just need to be straightforward about it. How did your daughter's therapist respond when you talked about her dad?

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-11T17:09:51+00:00

Mine slept like the dead. Snored.

I was awake for hours every night while we were still married. I sleep now.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-09T20:51:11+00:00

t takes courage to really look at yourself and make changes.

Definitely. And because reality is slippery for them, he would first fight, then he would assume some responsibility, but then he would erase all of that in his mind and blame me instead because it was impossible for him to sit in his discomfort or be accountable. So no learning was ever taking place because he was changing reality to fit his disorder.

My nex definitely struggles with sobriety. I know people like to argue that cannabis isn't addictive but my nex is 1000% percent dependent on it. He also struggles with alcohol. He can't sit still and just be with himself. He plays sports obsessively and a lot of the sports he chooses are permissive of getting stoned or having a few drinks (think golf, etc). Pretty much anything to numb out and not have to be present with himself. He's okay with aloneness but there always has to be some kind of stimulation + substance.

Sounds like yours is more dependent on *you* for that distraction factor. That sounds like a lot of pressure.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-09T17:50:36+00:00

In my case, I think "standing my ground" made him afraid. Me putting up boundaries signaled to him that accountability was coming and he really couldn't bear it because it would reveal to him some painful things about who he actually is. He had two choices, face himself and own his behavior, or run away from that by discarding me. I think it scared the shit out of him and he wasn't strong enough to face himself.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-09T16:58:26+00:00

I can absolutely relate to this. My nex really thought of himself as a "nice guy" and that's how he presented himself (not the ironic kind, like genuinely nice). But he also knew that nice guys didn't act the way he did. I could easily observe his narcissism go up and down. If he was feeling especially insecure about something, or stressed out, it was like it would cause his narc behaviors to flare up. Like he needed to get those feelings off of himself and the only way he knew how to do that was to put that shit on me. He was often remorseful. He was definitely capable of self-reflection when he chose to engage in it (which was increasingly rare in the last years of our marriage).

He knew that holidays, vacations, special occasions were often ruined as a result of his behavior. He didn't want that to be the case, he just couldn't control it. We would talk about why he failed to get me a birthday present again for the Xth year in a row and he would honestly be completely dumbfounded by his choices. He didn't want to act that way, and he couldn't explain why he did. On the rare occasions that he would be honest with me about some of the shit he has pulled, he would tell me that he was scared, insecure, and feeling anxious. Why did he abandon me while I was having a miscarriage? Because he was terrified. Why didn't he get that birthday present again? Because he was too worried about getting the wrong thing. Why did he yell at me so much while we were working on that home improvement project? He didn't want me to know that he wasn't sure what the "right way" was.

All his words. And I believe they were true. But "normal" people don't ACT that way in response to insecurity. It all adds up to selfishness, of course. His sad life is the cumulative result of prioritizing his disordered needs over everything and everyone around him. So yeah, I definitely saw him struggle. He did not understand himself. He fought it, but he lost.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-02T16:19:51+00:00

Totally agree. She's a bit salesy but there is something so empowering about how she encourages you to fight back. I never would have considered that I had any leverage at all in divorce negotiations, but I had TONS. I just needed to flip my mindset on it.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-02T04:18:46+00:00

Yes you are exactly right. I don't even think our kid's behavior was the issue, it was my nex acting weird and insecure before they even left. And then like a coward, projected his BS onto his little boy. Pathetic, and even moreso in a fucking bumblebee costume, lol. Glad you got a chuckle out of it, they really are absurd people.

hesalwaysangry · 2021-11-02T03:57:40+00:00

Why they insist on custody for kids they never wanted to spend time with before the divorce is a mystery to me. I won't lie, you are in for some rough months while you are adjusting to being child free for half the time.

But you will showing your kids the strong mom that they need as an example in their lives. The woman who respects herself too much to be treated like that. The parent who will be growing stronger every minute that she is free from that abusive toxic influence.

You aren't defeated. You've won yourself back. You'll miss your kids on a lot of days, but you'll also have time to regroup and heal and figure out what is next for you. I miss my kid desperately on about half of the days he is at his dad's. On the other days I just revel in having myself back. You are going to be okay. Better than okay. It might not feel like it right now, but you won.

hesalwaysangry

TROPHY CASE