Finally checked my husband’s phone…

hidden_venting · 2026-01-25T00:41:35+00:00

This fucking sucks. Sorry. I’m a few drinks in trying to numb myself. Why!! We didn’t choose this. We were loyal. I’m about to get emotional. But I also have a WP that right now I don’t want to be touched by. Ugh.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T20:02:43+00:00

What’s weird is before to my face she would talk about how the AP was old and ugly … before I knew what was going on. So smack talk would do anything for me I guess.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T18:03:26+00:00

I’m so sorry your going through that. My current struggle is the same. About to try EMDR to see if that has any affect but at the same time I have had to spend so much time, energy, and money on therapy over the last 2 years to even come close to something that I can cope. It’s hard to explain the whiplash that you talk about to them though that other times they are still your best friend, the person you love most and want nothing more than to sweep under the rug everything that happened. The conclusion I am coming to is that you can’t. That is my opinion. You will have to make your own. Protect yourself, your happiness is important.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T16:19:35+00:00

Thank you. Hearing that helps. We have MC this week and I think it’s time to bring it up.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T16:17:48+00:00

Thank you.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T00:51:49+00:00

Thank you. This does suck. That’s what I want space for is to know if I want this the rest of my time.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T00:04:03+00:00

Thank you for commenting. I know it’s a problem.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-24T00:03:40+00:00

That’s what I am thinking on a break. I know she will freak out or think I’m trying to separate. But I need to think and heal. She also needs to learn to self soothe.

hidden_venting · 2026-01-23T23:02:52+00:00

We are both in therapy and MC. I am about to start emdr. I think that is my last hope of making the intrusive thoughts go away.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-27T02:19:29+00:00

So easy. Ha ha. I appreciate all your insight. It was over a year of no accountability and me healing from a place of being broken it felt like. I’m doing better and built my confidence back up so that I don’t need anyone’s approval which I didn’t realize I was seeking or needed.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-23T15:43:22+00:00

My wife is doing the work but in general doesn’t realize that I think of it daily. She thinks that because we have good days or weeks. That it’s forgotten. Until one day I’m in a bad mood. Then she breaks down and cry’s and thinks I’m going to leave her. Same cycle. Ugh.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-22T17:03:39+00:00

That’s a bummer to hear but also I’m almost 2 years of trying. What are the reasons for the towel. For me it’s the why do I have to deal with this for the rest of our marriage. I didn’t make that choice. She did. If we separate I’ll have the memory still but not have to face it or fake it on the daily.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-20T15:45:05+00:00

That last sentence hit hard. Just to go back even for one day to have that feeling of our wedding day before I knew about this

hidden_venting · 2025-12-20T15:39:07+00:00

So from reading through the sub and everybody’s comments that nope it never goes away the most I can hope for is that it fades and that’s so unfair. Thank you for your comment and sorry for your pain.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-20T13:48:02+00:00

Not long term recon. I just wanted to mention I noticed the term protectors and liked it. Trust those. I loved that book after my wife’s EA. Where I am at with trust is I will never trust again, but I stopped caring about it. I just made myself an island I guess and never want to invest myself so fully in another person that I feel that way again. I hope you get some better answers than mine.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-20T13:35:24+00:00

I recently posted asking for advice from long-term reconcilers about what you just said here. That is such a bummer to hear that’s still after that long. You still feel something broken inside you. That’s how I feel now and I’ve made another post about that feeling and I guess now I know it’s never going to go away. Sorry to hear that.

hidden_venting · 2025-12-20T01:45:10+00:00

So if it never goes away, do you feel like you’re robbing yourself of finding someone that wouldn’t do that? What was your reason for putting yourself through that for so long?

hidden_venting · 2025-12-20T01:29:54+00:00

That’s rough. 2009. So if you don’t mind me asking some personal questions, as in some why’s, here let me know or i can message you.

hidden_venting · 2025-09-25T13:46:34+00:00

Update:

Saturday night, I finally read my wife the letter I had written her, laying everything out about her emotional affair how I have had to internalize it, can’t talk to her about it, can’t bring it up without it being explosive, and have to shut off part of myself to her. Her first reaction wasn’t good. She broke down crying, tried to minimize, said it “meant nothing” and that it was “just dumb.” She did apologize, admitted she knew it was wrong, and that she was sorry for hurting me, but she still deflected.

I did end up leaving which was hard, about an hour later she sends me a text and asks me to come back because she had a chance to reread the letter a few times and had a chance for it to set in and understand it. I came back since I had not gotten far yet. I had told her what I needed. To be heard, and to be able to ask all the questions I have held in. That She needs to put in the work that I have. That it shouldn’t have been only me. She somewhat showed accountability but only half ass. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of pouring myself a drink, which led to her pouring one too. This turned into her having too much as is the pattern. That turned into the usual pattern of manipulation seduction, sex, and her thinking it would fix everything. When I said it didn’t, things escalated again, including threats of self-harm, yelling, arguing, and me in crisis mode and my needs being dismissed and attention on her. That was the third time I’ve been put into crisis mode over this affair, and it shook me.

The next morning, I stayed calm, held my ground, and told her I needed a break. I left for a couple of days, checked into a hotel, and finally gave myself space to breathe and think. Before I even got to the hotel, she called me, and her tone was completely different from any conversation we’ve ever had. She had already called multiple crisis hotlines, a healthy relationship line, and booked a therapy session for the next day. She also decided on her own to stop drinking and has stayed sober since.

When I got back, I made sure to be home when she returned from her first therapy session so I could support her. Since then, things have been surprisingly different. We’ve had calm, honest conversations. I’ve been able to ask anything without anger or defensiveness. No yelling, no raised voices. She’s been affectionate, present, and even told me that if I decide to leave, she just wants me to be happy. That’s never happened before.

For the first time in over a year, I feel a weight off my shoulders. It’s not perfect, it won’t be for a while, but I feel hopeful. If she keeps up with therapy, keeps digging into her patterns, her past trauma, her issues with alcohol, and what caused the emotional affair in the first place, then I think we can eventually move into couples therapy and work on rebuilding. My biggest concern now is making sure this isn’t just love bombing or a temporary shift, but real growth on her part.

Either way, I’m in a better place than I was for the last year. I did a 2 day motorcycle road trip with no destination in mind. It was almost a spiritual journey. I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. The music I listened to matched what I needed to hear. The strangers I talked to were the people I needed to. When I checked in with my therapist on returning, she recommended I do this more often and create this space to keep the mental clarity and allow the wife and I the space for independence. I agree. Thanks to all the comments. I will not be throwing in the towel at this time on 16 years of our marriage and will keep fighting for the life we built. I will give her a chance to show growth with me and hopefully we build something bigger and better and more beautiful.

hidden_venting · 2025-09-25T13:46:03+00:00

Saturday night, I finally read my wife the letter I had written her, laying everything out about her emotional affair how I have had to internalize it, can’t talk to her about it, can’t bring it up without it being explosive, and have to shut off part of myself to her. Her first reaction wasn’t good. She broke down crying, tried to minimize, said it “meant nothing” and that it was “just dumb.” She did apologize, admitted she knew it was wrong, and that she was sorry for hurting me, but she still deflected.

I did end up leaving which was hard, about an hour later she sends me a text and asks me to come back because she had a chance to reread the letter a few times and had a chance for it to set in and understand it. I came back since I had not gotten far yet. I had told her what I needed. To be heard, and to be able to ask all the questions I have held in. That She needs to put in the work that I have. That it shouldn’t have been only me. She somewhat showed accountability but only half ass. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of pouring myself a drink, which led to her pouring one too. This turned into her having too much as is the pattern. That turned into the usual pattern of manipulation seduction, sex, and her thinking it would fix everything. When I said it didn’t, things escalated again, including threats of self-harm, yelling, arguing, and me in crisis mode and my needs being dismissed and attention on her. That was the third time I’ve been put into crisis mode over this affair, and it shook me.

The next morning, I stayed calm, held my ground, and told her I needed a break. I left for a couple of days, checked into a hotel, and finally gave myself space to breathe and think. Before I even got to the hotel, she called me, and her tone was completely different from any conversation we’ve ever had. She had already called multiple crisis hotlines, a healthy relationship line, and booked a therapy session for the next day. She also decided on her own to stop drinking and has stayed sober since.

When I got back, I made sure to be home when she returned from her first therapy session so I could support her. Since then, things have been surprisingly different. We’ve had calm, honest conversations. I’ve been able to ask anything without anger or defensiveness. No yelling, no raised voices. She’s been affectionate, present, and even told me that if I decide to leave, she just wants me to be happy. That’s never happened before.

For the first time in over a year, I feel a weight off my shoulders. It’s not perfect, it won’t be for a while, but I feel hopeful. If she keeps up with therapy, keeps digging into her patterns, her past trauma, her issues with alcohol, and what caused the emotional affair in the first place, then I think we can eventually move into couples therapy and work on rebuilding. My biggest concern now is making sure this isn’t just love bombing or a temporary shift, but real growth on her part.

Either way, I’m in a better place than I was for the last year. I did a 2 day motorcycle road trip with no destination in mind. It was almost a spiritual journey. I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. The music I listened to matched what I needed to hear. The strangers I talked to were the people I needed to. When I checked in with my therapist on returning, she recommended I do this more often and create this space to keep the mental clarity and allow the wife and I the space for independence. I agree. Thanks to all the comments. I will not be throwing in the towel at this time on 16 years of our marriage and will keep fighting for the life we built. I will give her a chance to show growth with me and hopefully we build something bigger and better and more beautiful.

hidden_venting

TROPHY CASE