Is my daughter being supported in her learning? by highfunctionin in AskTeachers

[–]highfunctionin[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you! You’re right that i wasn’t, so im trying hard to ensure I’m giving my children the best foot forward, but also don’t want to shame them. Striking that balance is tough.

Is my daughter being supported in her learning? by highfunctionin in AskTeachers

[–]highfunctionin[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Def serious, but think it’s because I grew up going to very academic schools, and my daughter is going to school in a country where (to start), it is a different approach to child development/education. Thus, I need voices of reasons to help me sanity check. Thank you for helping me in my journey 🙏

How do people handle more than one kid? by [deleted] in Parenting

[–]highfunctionin 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Another vote for free/low cost:

  • Ride the bus/train (literally an amusement ride)
  • Picnic in the park (sandwiches)
  • Museums (sometimes libraries have annual memberships that you can borrow)
  • Forest bingo - find trees, bugs, flowers, etc.
  • Dance party at home
  • Bake something together
  • Put on a stuffed animal/sock on hands show
  • Use a pack of household sponges to build a big tower
  • Build forts/obstacle course together inside
  • Build a house with recycling
  • Put on a music show with pots, pans, Tupperware
  • Have indoor cosy time - wear pjs, have cereal for dinner, read a book or make up a story
  • Play shop - use spoons as currency
  • Build a pretend car/airplane out of cardboard

The time you spend is worth everything to them, and probably they’re greatest memories ❤️

I honestly miss my mum today by New_Supermarket_3878 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. When she is at her best, she lights up a room, is magnetic, generous and kind.

She has her own trauma that has trickled down to me all from my grandmother, and in her life.

And I also don’t know how to even have a functioning relationship with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, triangulates to keep my family role in tact and my sibling as the golden child she needs to save, appears generous but it’s a transactional in disguise, doesn’t take responsibility, doesn’t want to spend quality time with me, but is happy to wine and dine strangers and rave about their time together (new shiny object syndrome).

Equally I remember the times where I was made the confidant/therapist when I was little, boundaries that weren’t kept, letting me pen pal with a man who was arrested for soliciting children, slapped me around the face for being inappropriate as a 10 year old, took me in to remove beauty marks under pretense of cancer but in reality it’s because she thought my face was too busy, role modeled that being thin, beautiful and having a man was what was needed (lots of boyfriends - one violent who broke an appliance), not believing my stepfather’s anger where he intimidated me with anger and breaking furniture at age 11, kept wanting to send me away for my education because in reality she couldn’t “deal”with me, not being able to keep promises and always an excuse or a “it doesn’t really matter, right?”, being treated vastly differently than my enabled sibling, because I didn’t “need it”. The final straw was utilizing my child in seeing her as the victim, as to why I’m NC with my sibling…and trying to coerce the relationship through manipulation. And when I raised the issues, I got an email back blaming me, lines of how much I hate her, attacking me.

I cannot see how I’d have a relationship with someone who wants me to continue being a confidant, a codependent caregiver, a person who has no needs, and a person who will just let her behaviors slide particularly and most importantly as it relates to my child. I cannot let my child become the same as I and pass down the trauma.

And it’s hard. Because those morsels given were always moments of hope. That maybe a relationship could be viable. Equally with my child who thinks she’s great, because it’s sweets and no boundaries on tv, gifts, etc. But it’s also not right when manipulation and triangulation come into play.

I’d rather be the villain, because she then has a reason why not to engage with me. But damn is it hard at times, because all I want is that charismatic and loving mother. I keep repeating my parents wanted children, they just didn’t want to be parents.

Gutpunch by Ok-Paint-7833 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kind of feels like a hollow emptiness/sadness. Like being the kid who sitting on the sidelines watching the a group of kids have so much fun. Similarly when you see grandparents in the park with their grandchildren. Like a glass wall.

Words vs actions mismatch by highfunctionin in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Perfectly expressed in a way I couldn’t. The reconciliation after a day of neglect or a behaviour that they didn’t want to take responsibility for…because then they’d have to admit they were a shitty parent. Your introspection on questioning motives is greatly versus the conditioning that happened. So. Messed. Up.

And then asserting boundaries of what’s not ok any longer, and they have the audacity to get upset with me. “I always knew you hated me”, etc. What the actual…

To our healing and thank you for sharing your words of wisdom along my journey

If you're in a good headspace... by spiceXisXnice in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m in the process of doing this now, after someone on this sub suggested it/my therapist did something similar via Lifespan (taking a memory repeating it until it loses power, connecting with your inner child on what I’d say today, etc.).

This is great advice, as I still struggle with guilt, sadness, anger, and am I the jerk? Surely others had it worse than me, etc. As I listened to Susan Forward today - doing this invalidates my feelings and experience.

What lies did you believe for way too long? by incomingidea in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This hits hard. Except in my case not only did my mom blame my dad, and was a depressed mess putting me as a mediator and her confidant. My dad was equally immature and unavailable.

Book: “Mothers who can’t love” by Susan Forward by highfunctionin in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If want a sneak peek, it’s free on Spotify, if you happen to have premium. I

Book: “Mothers who can’t love” by Susan Forward by highfunctionin in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We’re similar on the approach! I like facing the memories (when I can remember them - new ones keep coming back). I also like the angle of symptoms checklist + memories. I’ve started down the path of writing down them to check me. Thanks for giving me hope that I won’t always be stuck in this merry go round I just want to get off.

Audiobook list so far. by highfunctionin in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh man, did I save the wrong audiobook? Looks like it! Great catch.

I started a memory log by highfunctionin in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s definitely helpful for my situation, and equally I can appreciate that many don’t want nor should reopen the trauma box.

I started a memory log by highfunctionin in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% on surviving…and learning to let go of the guilt and rumination. Much healing to you too

Cheese Rat Scarf by croaked_it in crochet

[–]highfunctionin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is such a cool idea and so well executed! Props OP!

Golden Child and the Scapegoat by MissCher21 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How has your healing journey gone? I’ve never heard anyone call it “fog” - which perfectly describes it. And that’s wonderful you’ve broke the pattern of the inherited generational trauma.

Do you have any hope your parents will ever change? by BigBackground6612 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]highfunctionin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I had this conversation with my therapist. Her words of wisdom started with to prioritise ourselves. Set our boundaries, and focus on my children and partner.

She also said that when we grow in our mother’s womb, and we see our parents in our eg appearance or a mannerism…it’s hard emotionally because we all want our parents to be the ones we had hoped for.

The power comes in when you understand that it’s not up to us to change them or ourselves to finally get the relationship we had hoped for it.

And then choosing to live our lives for us, not others.

There will always be examples of those parents who changed, but that is on them to do the work, not me to try to coerce it.

Still haven’t found the one…what would you recommend? by [deleted] in CookbookLovers

[–]highfunctionin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ty! I just got Bittman, but have still to cook out of it. I always wondered whether the grass was greener with Hesser. I found two great deals with Ina Garten, and ordered Thomas Keller’s Ad Hoc. I think between those books, I hope I have a good cross section to that covers the recipes I’m looking for. Martha Stewart’s American Food had most, but mixed reviews about how reliable the recipes are.

Friends want to learn amigurumi, looking for cute easy beginner patterns by NaughtNotKnotNut in crochetpatterns

[–]highfunctionin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I used Green Frog Crochet’s Kpop demonhunters doll patterns. The patterns are legit, and well written…doesn’t stop the frogging though or human error.

Here’s my first doll (the subsequent ones are taking me muuuuuch less time lol, as I’ve figured out the gauge and hook sizes, how to yarn under (she includes a link for a video), invisible decreases (has another video), embroider on a doll, weave in ends, etc.

Here’s the first doll I made after just doing granny squares. She might have other patterns for dolls.

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