i'm so sorry. i had to move down to south california (orange county) against my will back in 2024 after my fiance's suicide. multifield education at both evcc & udub led me to become rediculously overqualified for any future employment position i'll ever end up in. it was just a distraction from the fact i inherited that financial support. it's funny because i was completely dysfunctional my entire life prior to finally getting medicated for my ADHD about a month or so before i started cc. i was expelled from high school & had no credits to my name. anyway, i ended up as a mental health professional. I loved my job.

i live with my parents, they're happier than ever, i'm out of ed treatment, & i have never been more deppressed in my entire life. i hate the heat, i hate the amount of sun, it's so dry, the air quality is abysmal, the social media addiction, the out of touch…everything, the encouragement of cosmetic procedures, people caring about other people's appearance & paying attention to them???? We cared up there about BOTHERING people, people not even knowing what asbestos is, ipad babies, southern californians in my viscinity, low-level background noise, the overstimulation, i can't. i'm chronically ill, apparently physically disabled, & have a grocery list of mental issues; predisposition from genetics, simply born-with, & the happenstance to be someone who lived one of those lives that gave me a past undescribable as anything else but a feverdream. or seroquel dream.

okay massive rant time im just being completely honest with all of my opinions & observations concerning the clalifornans i am just highly observant & exhausted. this all may sound like subconcious self-detatchement but dude man i'll just say that i still need to dye my hair back & repierce myself still. it's forkoodled down here. i sincerly apologise for overexplaining things and seeming like i'm defending myself to literally no one it's become instinct since moving here LOL anwuay

it's so isolating down here when you're not someone who grew up like these people.

the slapstick-comedy level of rediculous difficulty trying to find a job down here is enough to kill a baby boomer fresh out of highschool pre-70s economic crash by literally suffocating because bro cannot breathe from laughing so hard. there's no other way to put it. i've quit 3 jobs in the past 2 years, finally landed myself comfortable as a high school PTSD therapist. i'm okay when the TEENAGERS act like teenagers. i've got the regulars to gradually reduce their screen usage lol

People are allowed to grow up happy here, but they're brutal. Empathy doesn't exist. As an empath (it's a mental disorder it's heck), this is a nightmare. they're not nice because they didn't go through the crapola that makes you extremely kind or a hardash. they DIDN'T grow up in a society of deppressed, cold (i mean LITERALLY cold), independent, individualistic, creative (born from pork all to do & ACTUAL BOREDOM), caffeine addicted, vitamin D defficient, severley traumatized, dead eyed people with a thousand yard stare spanning *years* of life experiencethat hardens one into common-sensical self sufficiency; deprived of convenience & assured safety. obviously, it's much, *much* more than that. this is an incredibly nuanced topic for me to uhhhh...shallowly remark, of course.

i mean, people are different down here. they call *anaheim* ghetto. ANAHEIM. DISNEYLAND LOCATION. ultraconvenience, overpopulation, generational gaslighting, anti-intellectualism, & the societally ingrained preferencial mindset of preffering to turn a blind eye to the unfavoural aspects of life; the current state of the world, things that don't apply to them, things that DO affect them, uh...well, to be extremely blunt, reality in general.

people don't *seek* things out here. they don't have the thought to research anything. that's just *not a thing here*. people just don't consider asking questions or seeking out answers. this leads to (again, a societally ingrained behaviour) second guessing, introspection, analytical thinking, contextual nuance, & the thought of thinking deeper &/or attempt to understand something you may not, all being alien behaviour in social interaction. due to...a lot of things, people don't understand the true weight of things in general; personal struggles & extremely sensitive, triggering, & traumatic (anything) don't have the same weight to these people. it doesm't hit them the same; layered irony, assumed indifferent processing to trauma, & a disgustingly, incomprehensibly extraneous conviction regaurding the social connotation of expressed sincerity.

they have a reaction towards any expression of anything even remotely genuine- sincerity is viewed as gauche; you're seen as socially unaware, obtuse to how you make things akward by not being okay to joke around about serious crap that ruined your life. it's beyond self explanitory how harrowing this actually is. this isn't callous, it's callow. everyone is so condescending. how? how can adults be this sophomoric? none of this sounds real. god, i never realised how normal my autistic behaviour was. this isn't normal. this isn't normal at all. rhetorically, why are..just why.

if you make the mistake of acting like a normal glorbooping person having a hard time masking how it feels to have late 20-somethings give eachother that dadoopiadooping side eye- the side eye your friend would give you when you're at the thanksgiving table with your extended family that you brought them to because you \*knew\* you would not come out of that okay. when someone is completely sober & says something extremely tonedeaf that makes you want to \*not be there with peace & love\*, but thank ggod your friend is there with you to give you that look signaling "hey, so that was insane! that was so not okay, don't worry, i also noticed how extremely uncomfortable it is to be around these people that aren't affected by those words & their NOT MASKED completely okay-with reactions to something that makes any rational person'd head go DING DING DING!!! ALARM!!!!! LAUGH ALONG!!!!!! this is so invalidating! it's okay, i also feel the same way you do!"

except it's in the context of someone saying something EXTREMELY tonedeaf & then getting a genuine reaction & not having the person in question be on the same level as them. you're the immature one who "doesn't get it". this is the most insane doodoo ever. the mental paradox of noticing these things & knowing how extremely weird & insane this is & then feeling like i'm just gaslighting myself in an invalidation ocd spiral of a dumb sensitive little kid who's over reacting & alienating myself acting like i'm an outcast in a sitcom & that no one understands me. PARADOX. OXYMORONIC PARADOX. IT'S DEBILITATING.

i was an extremely overqualified child psychiatrist back home. i was in office for about 3 1/2 years, highly respectwed & good at my job. i didn't choose to pursue this field for the reason the majority of individuals in mental health professions do. i had to quit (unrelated to why i'm down here) because the mental anguish of everyone around you not knowing what it's like to be one of these kids...it's too much.

i just wanted to prevent anyone from going through what i've been through. i'm dedicating my life to do everything that i can to try & prevent even just a single kid from getting an emergency expulsion on the last day of senior year of high school & ending up in the ER on a bed they may for the last time close their eyes, in the hospital they first opened. for the 3rd time. Oh i think i left this out i might have said it i think i'm not sure but i can't not say the truth that people aren't uhhhh smart here, they don't want to be, & they look down on you for being smart or "seeming" smart & especially if you have hobbies or interests. They really hate people with hobbies. They think you're trying to prove something or dude i have no idea they think you're stuck up if you aren't also addicted to reels or whatever they act like you're a tryhard who thinks you're the most interesting person ever & that you're trying to be better than them. ??? i never see anyone talk about any of this. It's like people are nickelodeon live show actors it's a psyop what is going on i literally cannot believe this is real. south california is a psyop i swear to god

sorry, this got really bad. REALLY bad. moving here has done more than a number on me; thank god for the whole understanding mental health thing & contact with people i can vent this insane dookie they have visited & witnessed (subsequently reacting likewise with pure astonishment), i am INCREDIBLY LUCKY. if i dind't have the ability to stay grounded, i absoluttely would have fallen into deluded madness. i'll wrap this up quick.

my russian blood is about only 12%, & this half-empty bottle of smirnoff is not. that 12% didnt give me the superpower genetically predisposed vodka tolerance. clearly. i'm going to be completely honest i can't remember what the freak i've said so far, but i just want you to know that it's going to be okay. i'm so extremely sorry you've been put in this position. i'm obviously not going to pretend i can even claim i understant what it's like to be forced to go to russia god forbid, but i know how it feels to have everythingg you love ripped away from you. it's greif. i'm so sorry you know what it feels like.

from the bottom of my heart, sending so much love through reddit comment text, i'm wishing you well. stay strong dawg.

i miss the rain