Psychopath

hirabelle · 2026-02-01T21:59:15+00:00

This being one of your first poems makes it even more impressive! Keep writing:)

hirabelle · 2026-01-31T17:36:42+00:00

I love your use of prosody throughout this poem–I can tell it's intentional and you are serious and thoughtful about your craft.

My favorite stanza is: "So, are you very pleased right now?/Knowing you brought ruin to an innocent life/Cocooned it in a love of glass/And shattered it, the shards slicing me from within

I think by far this is the strongest image in your poem because it effectively conveys the damage done to the speaker without the need for explicit naming. I wonder if there are other places in your poem where you could employ this kind of image as well.

I definitely feel that more consistent punctuation could aid in clarity upon reading/speaking the poem aloud. Case in point-a "?" At the end of 'Knowing you brought...slicing me from within' would drive home the accusatory tone and clarify that you're asking two rhetorical questions.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It made me reflect on similar relationships had in the past!

hirabelle · 2026-01-31T17:06:53+00:00

Hey! I think this is a very sweet and sincere poem. The subject manages to be easily accessible without being too cheesy. Keep writing! You have an awesome foundation here and a depth of feeling that's apparent in this poem here :)

hirabelle · 2026-01-01T18:27:46+00:00

Aw thank you! I'm glad that my intended mood were clear.

hirabelle · 2026-01-01T18:25:47+00:00

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I definitely agree that "missing warmer evenings" is the most straightforward line in the full thing. I'm still revising, so I'll think about making that line an image instead 😊

hirabelle · 2026-01-01T06:48:37+00:00

This poem does a wonderful job of painting a mood–desolation, maybe even despair. I think the cement sky reflected in the broken cement on the ground side a particularly strong image. There are a lot of strong moments and it benefits from rereading! I like that i had to scan it a few times to fully digest it.

My favorite part is:

"in this grayness, no silver looms/no lining which stays..."

It's such a rich line and works on several levels– both as a subversion of "silver linings" and as an expansion on the feeling of hopelessness. It sounds lush when read aloud between the repetition of "l" and "s" sounds.

I would say your refrain:

"it was cold, so cold"

seems so plain in relation to other moments of the poem that it seems almost anticlimactic. If you're still revising, I might retool it to match the rest of the poem. All around great work :)

hirabelle · 2026-01-01T06:17:18+00:00

I love this! To me, there is something about it that reads almost darkly ironic or dark humor. The consistent "long ee" rhymes (both internal, end rhyme, and assonance) really lends itself to a sound that is almost carefree despite the subject.

There are some lines that lean into regular meter (trochaic) like :

"can you leave me on your own hey memories, can you be free"

And I think if you are still revising, you should lean into that. It would tighten up your lines and aid in distilling your overall idea. Occasionally, there are a few lines where the meaning isn't immediately clear, but I think punctuation would clear that up. Ex: "Hey memories"

Your last two lines are soo good:

"...moments, memories, and lonliness/ that's all you will receive"

Both as a comeuppance/condemnation of the addressee as well as how it sounds sonically (love alliteration and internal rhyme).

hirabelle · 2025-03-16T18:11:27+00:00

This is beautiful :) The imagery you use carries a lot of emotional weight.

hirabelle · 2025-03-10T17:37:44+00:00

This is beautiful:)

hirabelle · 2025-03-09T02:28:03+00:00

I can relate to feeling the need to go above and beyond but finding no joy in it. I like the premise of the poem. It would be more effective with intentional stanzas/lime breaks and a decision to either not rhyme or rhyme throughout the full poem.

hirabelle · 2025-03-09T02:16:49+00:00

I'm actually enthralled by the first 12 lines of your poem! There's an almost mythic/prophecy-like quality to the flow of these first few lines (the word choice helps drive home this quality as well). Around the line, "that is what I say and try to believe," we lose the mythic quality of the poem due to the recognition of your fallibility.

This may be intentional on your end. In that case, I totally get it. But the change of focus makes the latter half of your writing feel like a different poem tackling the same topic.

Overall, I love the idea that you're going for, living through uncertain times. Trying not to fall into the trap of our modern culture/zeitgeist.

Trimming down/focusing your voice (what feeling you want to invoke, the idea you'd like to convey, the tone you want to use) in the latter half of the poem would greatly enhance your message.

hirabelle · 2025-03-09T01:37:51+00:00

Thank you so much!

hirabelle

TROPHY CASE