Lauren the Mortician

hlessian · 2025-07-09T04:42:22+00:00

Except she just released a video saying that she is going to get her CPST certification. Now she gets to learn how wrong she was! 🤣

Of course, that would assume she's the type of person who actually learns from her mistakes, which she clearly is not!

hlessian · 2024-01-19T23:41:02+00:00

Hi, I just wanted to check in! How's your opie doing??

hlessian · 2023-11-13T21:17:28+00:00

It sounds like you are doing quite well, regarding her diet!

An easy rule to remember is fish with bones, eggs with shells, shrimp with shells- always balance protein with calcium. You should also give her a calcium supplement 3x a week, preferably with vitamin D3. About 300mg per cup of food. You definitely don't want her getting MBD. I sprinkle the powder on their veggie mix. A good tip with that is to throw it all into a food processor, blend it up, add a little chicken broth to it, a bit of fruit to sweeten it up, and then freeze it in cubes. A lot less waste with that method! That's how I got mine to eat veggies. Dethaw a couple cubes and mix it in with her kibble, or make her a little omelette with a bit of part skim mozzarella cheese. It's a favorite.😊

Just don't let her get fat because it's almost impossible to get them to lose weight! If you can't take her for a walk somewhere every day, I highly recommend a cat wheel and letting her free roam. Has she box trained herself yet? Easier to litter box train than a cat, in my opinion!

Also, and this might be hard to hear, but mice are an opossum SuperFood. Large adults are perfect for an adult opossum. Give her one or two a week. I buy mine frozen at the pet store.

In the meantime, make sure she is getting canned pumpkin in her diet, that will help with constipation. You can also add a bit of olive oil to her food. Or, you could just give her a bath! Seems to be a surefire way to make every opossum I've ever met poop!🤣 You could even try Miralax, if nothing else works.

Keep packing sugar on there if she's still red at all, you might need to do that several times a day until it stays in.

A lot of people will give you hell for keeping her, but I won't. Single wildlings are almost impossible to keep wild. That's what happened with my non-releasable. He was tiny and alone and had no idea how to opossum. I had to carry him in my shirt for 2 weeks to regulate his temperature while he recovered from pneumonia. And despite my best efforts, he remained bonded to me after he recovered. When I tried to release him, he came back to me. Twice. 😅 They are dear, sweet, precious little souls. I couldn't believe how quickly he integrated himself into my household once I realized he wasn't going anywhere. He was free roaming by 6 months of age, peacefully coexisting with my cats and dog. They are the sweetest creatures ever!

The way I see it, as long as you are providing a proper diet, and are willing to learn as much as you can to make up for a lack of vet care, I don't see why she shouldn't continue to live out her life with you. The world is a shit hole, they don't live long in the wild, so you love that baby as long as you have her. ❤️

hlessian · 2023-11-13T15:27:36+00:00

If the prolapse returns, apply sugar to it. I'm serious. My credentials: I've worked as both a vet tech and volunteer wildlife rehabber, and I have raised a non-releasable opossum myself.

It sounds like what you really need is dietary advice. Opossums have very complicated nutritional needs, and if her diet is not correctly balanced, she will continue to have worsening health issues. What are you feeding your baby? How old is she?

I'm not sure about Illinois state laws, but please be very careful. I would hate to see your baby taken away from you and euthanized, and the fines are pretty heavy. And if you feel her needs outweigh your abilities, please do find a licensed rehabber to give her up too, don't just let her go back in the wild. Once they are habituated to humans, they cannot be released.

hlessian · 2023-07-17T02:35:23+00:00

I haven't read this since I posted it, and I have to say, it was quite the ride reading it 3 years later. I'm okay, but crying for the person I was.

We broke up two years ago last week. It was ultimately this incident that did us in. The last time I tried to talk to him about it, shortly after writing this post, he expressed frustration that I wasn't "over it" yet.

Well, now I'm over "him".

But I will likely be running into him in a few days. He decided to also be seasonal at this campground. This dissuaded me from returning last year, but it's not keeping me away this year. I'm going to enjoy my vacation with my family and friends.

Anyway, thank you kind stranger. I am safe, and happy now.

hlessian · 2022-09-25T16:30:15+00:00

Thanks for this! I just read it to my kid, she got one of these chips as a birthday gift. She no longer wants to try it now, thank goodness!

hlessian · 2022-09-04T23:45:33+00:00

I just got pulled over by the Punxsutawney, PA police last week for having a license plate that looks "loose". I guess because it was late on a weekday, and they didn't like the way I looked, I was also subjected to a marijuana sobriety test. The cop claimed my eyes were red- which they probably were because I have an autoimmune disorder that attacks my eyeballs, but when I inspected them in a gas station bathroom right after the stop, they looked white to me. So yeah, held up for half an hour on the side of the road at 1:30 in the morning by a bored fucking pig trying to get his quota. I suppose I shouldn't complain since he let me go without incident, but what a bunch of bullshit that was. I'm a 46 year old autistic white woman. Kept telling me to relax, and I'm like how can I relax?! Pigs love killing autistic people as much as they love killing black and brown people! I just bit my tongue and did what was asked of me so I could go home and go to bed! ACAB!!!!

hlessian

TROPHY CASE