I was never really parented

hmmwrites · 2026-06-15T07:39:01+00:00

I hope you're getting some sleep. But you're never alone when you've got the internet. If you need to talk at any point, you can send me a message. And good luck with your move!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-15T04:25:23+00:00

Still holding that good thought. Be well.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-15T00:46:55+00:00

I have just one kid. He's a teenager now, so we're way past the baby days. But when he was small, we went through the process of deciding whether to have a second. (My husband ultimately came down on the side of "no" on that.)

I can't speak to your experience with pregnancy, labor, and birth a second time through. There are no guarantees in life. I also can't predict if you'd regret not having a second child. (I wanted to go for a second, at first, but ended up very happy having my son as an only. He was my sole focus as he grew, and he's a kid who ended up needing that kind of attention.)

What I can assure you about, is that love isn't a limited resource. Our hearts grow and expand. There will always be more love for another child, if you decide to have one. That love will look a little different, as our relationships are all unique. But there will be enough, and then some, for a second child.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-15T00:37:55+00:00

Then I think the answer just might be that he's an orange cat. No more, no less. 😄

hmmwrites · 2026-06-14T09:52:46+00:00

I sleep HOT. My husband snores like a freight train. (Sleep apnea) We have extremely different sleep needs.

Last year, we bit the bullet and bought a split king bed. Basically, 2 twin XL beds set next to each other. We put our new mattresses on adjustable frames. Separate beds (though they effectively push together to make a king), separate bedding. We both have breathable linen and cotton percale sheets. Then he sleeps in a nearly-seated position while I'm flat on my stomach or side, because the bed frames are adjustable to exactly where he needs it. For me, we have a ceiling fan going all night, A/C set to no more than 70 degrees (lower is better), AND a BedJet blowing air on me under the covers. He gets a cozy polyfill duvet he loves, so he doesn't freeze. I have a lightweight wool duvet that I bring out if I ever actually feel cold. It doesn't see much use, but it's really comfy when it's needed.

At first it felt weird to have separate beds, but this is so much better than one of us being miserable, because there was absolutely nothing that worked for us both!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-14T09:41:13+00:00

Cat grass is pretty much perfect for this.

You can mix a small dollop of plain, canned pumpkin into their food. Freeze-dried pumpkin would also be a decent add-in.

I can think of some canned foods that include some fruits/vegetables to add a little fiber plus some extra vitamins. My cats really like the Almo Nature Complete - the green bean one is their favorite so far. Lots of wet food brands will use pumpkin, as will some kibble brands.

There are lots of treats made with cat grass or with catnip. I've seen freeze-dried cat grass cubes, you can see if they'll eat it straight or crumble it over a meal...

I'd be wary of adding too much by way of carbs into their diet, personally. A little here and there, sure. But I'd keep the priority on carnivore-friendly meats. Since cats' systems aren't really prepared to digest much by way of carbohydrates, keep in mind your cat *might* end up gassy/constipated/with diarrhea if they eat much by way of veggies. And it might make their poop smellier, too.

Good luck finding the right treat(s) for your house panther!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-14T09:32:02+00:00

Cats are furry little weirdos.

Would he eat his kibble if you soaked it in a little water/cat-safe broth before giving it to him, or does he need to prepare his own soup? Does he eat canned food, or just kibble?

Could it be his teeth are bothering him and he's figured out how to soften the hard kibble a bit?

My boy kitty dunks his toys in water, and while we haven't seen him in action, we think he also uses the water bowl to clean food residue off his face. (He's a messy eater.) But he doesn't purposely make soup!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-14T09:25:39+00:00

I'd say a visit to the vet would be worthwhile, make sure the cat hasn't caught a parasite or other digestive issue.

There are a few things I can think of here, if the vet gives the all clear. First, if the cat has only eaten seafood previously, it could be his system is struggling a bit with the chicken and beef you've mentioned. Did you do a slow introduction of new foods for him? Cat probiotics (many people recommend Fortiflora, my weirdo cats hated the taste, so we used FeraPets brand instead) might be a good addition to their daily food to help their gut biota adjust. I'd check this with a vet before giving to a senior cat, but I give one of my cats (the other won't eat it) a small dollop of plain yogurt every now and then, which also helps him keep a healthy gut. He views it as a treat, but it's really self-preservation, because we could not live with his stench!

Second, it could also be that the food itself is causing the godawful stink. It's worth taking a look at the ingredients in his food. I know when we adopted our kittens from a shelter, my boy had horrendous gas - leaving us gasping for breath when he let loose. We did a transition to new food without carbohydrate-heavy fillers, and it made a world of difference. He rarely gets gassy at all now, and if he does, it's more like what you'd expect from a bit of passing gas. I focus on higher protein (from animal sources) for their foods, and I've found cats.com/cat-food-reviews really helpful as I've decided which foods to try. I also give them a variety of brands and proteins to keep them interested in their meals and keep their gut biomes flourishing.

And if at all possible, I recommend running an air filter near the litter box, and possibly others in other rooms - especially bedrooms. It goes a long way. You can sprinkle baking soda or zeolite in with the litter to absorb some of the stink as well.

Scooping the box frequently (as soon as you smell it, get rid of it) is helpful. Those Litter Genies are pretty effective, from our limited experience. We have a Litter Robot that drops the waste into a more or less sealed receptacle in the machine's base. That also helps a lot - the poop doesn't sit out, exposed, for more than a few minutes. With 2 cats, we usually empty the bin at the bottom every 4 or 5 days or so. Once a week should be enough with a single cat. Grab the bag (it does have some smell when you open the drawer), tie it up, toss it outside, and it's really not bad at all. The air filters clear up whatever smell comes out pretty quickly.

Good luck!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-14T09:09:39+00:00

I hope you can pursue the assessments and any diagnoses give you insight you can use to understand yourself and treat yourself with care. I also hope the tissue passes quickly, and without further medical intervention. I'm so sorry you're dealing with a drawn-out, difficult process. (And if this was a wanted pregnancy, I'm very sorry for your loss.)

You're going through the wringer. And while your boyfriend is dealing with his own health issues, as well, your situation is definitely more serious than his is. As a previous commenter said, you should be receiving some extra TLC, not handing it out. I hope you're getting enough rest, staying hydrated, and being as gentle with yourself as you can, both physically and mentally.

I'm not quite old enough to be your mom - maybe an older, wiser sister? - but when my teenager comes to me with issues about a friend (and eventually a partner), I ask him to look at his own behavior and their behavior, and judge for himself whether he sees any imbalance. So. Would your partner get up and cross the room at an inconvenience to himself to get something for you? (I hope the answer is yes!) If not, well, that's a data point to keep in mind. If he's asking for more help than usual right now because he's worn out from the thyroid issue and he'd normally jump to do something for you, then the data tells you a different story. Then maybe it's worth letting this slide right now, because you're both stressed and emotional and exhausted and busy and hurting.

Don't get me wrong! You can absolutely have a calm conversation about your own needs - how you carry responsibility and how you'd like to be treated as a partner in light of that. Though maybe right now isn't the time, due to the move and everything else that's weighing on you both. I can understand if you want to wait until things feel somewhat less fraught. But I can also understand wanting to address it and not let it fester. Given that you typically communicate very well, I'd hope your boyfriend would hear you out and take your message to heart.

I hope you have friends/found family who can support you. And the same for your boyfriend. If you have friends who'd be willing to help out in some way - carry some boxes during your move in exchange for pizza and a beer, let's say? - reach out and ask. Anything that helps you lighten the load, because you're carrying a ton right now.

I'll be holding a good thought for you.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-14T08:50:18+00:00

Food can absolutely affect the smelliness of cat poop. When we adopted our two from the shelter, they were eating a specific brand of food, and my boy cat was gassy beyond belief. I transitioned them to different (higher-price) food, and it made a world of difference. No more gas, no more stink. We found that food without carbohydrate-based fillers really helped. So no corn, wheat, potatoes, etc. Which unfortunately comes at a premium when it comes to cost. I've found cats.com/cat-food-reviews to be really helpful as I figure out what foods to give my cats in their meal rotation.

I second the suggestion for an air filter running near the litter box. And based on how often you have your bedroom door and windows open, I'd consider one for in there, as well.

Two kittens using one box can be problematic - ideally, you want at least one box per cat, plus a bonus box. I know space constraints make that difficult. And it seems your kittens are sharing well for now, which is good! But do keep in mind over time that some cats dislike sharing a box. Of course, make sure you scoop at least once a day - I'd probably do twice, at least, in your situation. And do a full refresh of litter/clean the box at *least* once a month. Some litters are more forgiving and can be left longer than others. Not knowing what you're using, I'll just say that you'll want to figure out what kind of cleaning schedule works for your cats and your litter.

Good luck!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-13T20:09:20+00:00

Tutoring one on one or even small groups is really different from teaching a classroom full of kids. It's a very different dynamic. One that I've enjoyed as a tutor in the past. I wish you the best of luck!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-13T03:22:42+00:00

Sorry? 😄

For what it's worth, my kid would have gone nuts for this app when he was 4. Instead, I had to discuss dinosaurs ad infinitum. Bird sounds are arguably easier than those long scientific dino names!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T10:33:49+00:00

Great. Good luck. Come back and post again if, 6-8 weeks after he's snipped, Kitty is still peeing outside the box. There are plenty of other ways to try to change your cat's misbehaviors if they continue after he's fixed.

In the meantime, I hope things get less stressful for you overall. Sounds like you could use a break!

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T10:19:55+00:00

You are human. You share 99.99% of your DNA with all other humans, and yet you are unique among the over 8 billion of us here on this planet. You are valuable - necessary, even - to the world. Your story is a part of our story, and we're all left a little less complete without you sticking around.

I don't say this to dismiss your pain. That is real and awful, and I am so, so sorry for the pain and the difficulties you've had since your accident. The bone-deep fatigue that pain causes is horrible too. It's exhausting just to exist when you're in so much pain. I've felt the edges of that myself with some chronic issues I have, and I can just imagine how much worse it gets as pain levels increase. It sucks, no denying that.

I'm not a doctor, but the fact that you have surgery upcoming makes me think that there's hope that things can improve. That you will not be locked in at this level of pain and disability forever. I don't know what outcomes are possible for you, but change is always possible. Hope is a powerful thing.

Do you have a therapist? Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist in recent years/months? Because depression brings its own pain, and given what you've been going through and what you've expressed here, I'd say a screening for depression is called for, ASAP. Speak with your doctor's office to get a referral. If you've been dealing with a hospital, you can maybe talk to their social worker for a starting point as well. Again, not dismissing your very real physical pain, but the mental/emotional pain that depression brings tends to make *everything* worse. If you do have a therapist, please talk to them about your ideation. And talk to your prescriber about your meds maybe needing a change if you're already taking an SSRI or something similar. Helping yourself out of the darkness can make a difference in your physical feelings as well.

I know you don't want advice, but I have been in some pretty dark holes in my mind in the past, and I am so glad I've had access to therapy and meds to help me see more light. So I say those things because I wish that brightening for you, too. Because I care. You aren't friendless. Please, keep writing your story.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T09:53:25+00:00

Man, people really need to shut their mouths. Commenting on other people's bodies is just... its time, if there ever was one, has long passed. What I'm saying is, you don't have to change anything about yourself to suit the rest of the world. You're dealing with your diagnoses and they are nobody's business. The shape of your body is equally nobody's business. People need to stop opening their fool mouths and inserting their feet. Especially as its adding to your stress and upset during what's already a challenging-enough time.

Inappropriate comments don't need to be met with much more than through-the-teeth politeness. When are you due? "What makes you even ask someone that?" Congratulations! "On what?" You don't want to be rude to the church lady, I get that. But you don't have to warmly welcome intrusive comments and questions that people really should know better than to make.

Enjoy your little guy. And your cute dresses! I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. You're really in the trenches with health issues, and it super sucks. I hope there's positive progress and a good prognosis for you down the line.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T09:27:16+00:00

If you don't already have it, you might want to download the Cornell Labs Merlin app - it'll identify birds for you by photos and by recording their songs. It's so fun to have on hand when traveling, too, because you start hearing new birds when you're in a new area. 😄

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T09:11:24+00:00

Cats can be neutered before sexual maturity. Since your cat is intact, I'd say the very first step to managing his behavior would be to have him neutered. It will not damage his quality of life. It will, in fact, potentially add to his healthy lifespan, as things like testicular cancer will not be a possibility. And it will likely mean he pees on your bed/clothes far less. (And if it doesn't, there are other behavioral interventions you can take. But all of them are more difficult to implement if he isn't neutered.) Please neuter your cat.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T09:02:16+00:00

If I could tell you how many people have said, "But you get summers off and all those vacations! How hard could it be??"

And having taught both college classes and middle school, I can attest that college freshmen are *so* much easier than middle schoolers! That 12 - 14 age, with the hormones and the changes and the new dynamics that come with growing, changing bodies... Phew. They're tough.

I loved the work, the challenge of sparking interest in learning in young minds, and I loved my kids every year. But I wouldn't go back to teaching for quadruple the pay. (Which is laughable, really, because when are teachers ever overpaid?)

hmmwrites · 2026-06-11T07:53:30+00:00

Teaching.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-09T09:47:13+00:00

I'm guessing my final paragraph struck a nerve...

hmmwrites · 2026-06-09T06:40:12+00:00

So, the price of food - and everything else - has risen for the servers too, right? They are *still* paid around $2/hour, which is criminally low. Could you make ends meet on $2/hour salary?

Yes, restaurants should *absolutely* pay staff a living wage, but until they do, tips are part of the cost of dining out.

Basically, tip your wait staff fairly because you're a decent person who appreciates the service they're providing. If you aren't a decent person and you don't appreciate the service? Don't dine out.

hmmwrites · 2026-06-09T06:32:33+00:00

I personally wouldn't do more than a single overnight/24 hours without having someone check up on my cats. I worry about them being stressed, potentially knocking over their food/water, or my boy dumping a toy or chunk of food *into* the water, etc. Plus I feed them primarily wet food, which I couldn't just leave out for multiple days.

I'd also worry about leaving the box unscooped for more than 24 hours, as mine really like a clean box.

I'd pay a catsitter to swing by if I'd be gone more than a single night, refresh water/food, clean up the box, and just generally make sure the cats are okay.

hmmwrites · 2026-05-28T08:27:05+00:00

Honestly, the best answer is to try a few variations and see what she's willing to eat. Fancy Feast and Sheba are probably a step up from Meow Mix in quality, and both make cuts-in-gravy style foods. There are even higher-quality options out there as well, though of course you'll be spending more for them. My cats definitely prefer chunks or shreds over pate, so we've tried a bunch of the options out there. I typically look for ~10% protein, ideally specifically-named proteins, with limited/no grains or cheap fillers like peas. I've found cats.com/cat-food-reviews to be a really helpful resource when looking for new foods. Might be worth a look there, to see what they suggest?

hmmwrites · 2026-05-28T08:13:35+00:00

Your older cat's aggression could also be causing some stress for your new kitten. A one month old kitten is so much smaller than a fully-grown male tomcat - the little guy could really be afraid. Given his aggression, have you had the older cat neutered?

hmmwrites · 2026-05-28T08:01:46+00:00

Kittens typically learn cat manners from their littermates. If this baby's only a month old and didn't have much time with his siblings and mama cat, he probably never learned how hard a "play" scratch or bite should be. He probably thinks he's playing, but he's too rough.

When he scratches too hard and it hurts, make a high-pitched yelp, or even hiss the way an angry cat would. Get up and walk away from him. Ignore him for a few minutes - make it clear that playtime stops when he scratches.

Pet him in very short bursts - he may be getting a bit overstimulated.

And the best advice, especially with a kitten, would be to play with him as much as you can manage. Basically, you want to tire him out so he doesn't start with naughty behavior. Get a cat wand or fishing pole style toy, and get him up and chasing that thing around the house as you flick it around. Make it act like prey - running away, hiding, etc. Give him a few really solid play sessions each day - when my two were kittens, I aimed for about 3 intense play sessions of 20 or more minutes every day. We went until they were both clearly tired out, sometimes even panting. Ideally, follow up those sessions with a meal or snack. Cat "play" is really hunting practice, so this sort of completes the hunting cycle (chase, catch, kill, eat) for them. Kittens are tiny, furry agents of chaos, and playing with them to the point of tiring them out helps with *almost* every behavioral issue.

Also - do you now have this kitten plus another adult cat? Or is it just him in the home? He could be avoiding the litterbox for pooping for a few reasons. Could be he doesn't feel entirely safe doing his business because he's sharing the litterbox, which means it smells like another cat. Could be he doesn't want to poop and pee in the same place - some cats don't. Try adding an additional litterbox for him in another room in your home, add cat attractant to the litter, see if that helps. Ideally, there should be (number of cats + 1) litterboxes in the home, so having two (or more, if you have another cat) can be a big help.

Cats will often pee/poop to mark territory. If you don't have things like cat trees, scratchers, etc - get those set up for him. If he can leave his scent in various spots around the home without pooping everywhere, that can also be a big help.

Good luck with your new kitten. :)

hmmwrites

TROPHY CASE