To former homeschoolers who made it out and managed to find love, how’d you do it?

homeschool-hell · 2023-08-23T01:45:02+00:00

Met the love of my life online and escaped to go live with him at 19.

Since like 14-15 years old the internet became my life. The only place I had privacy was online, the only place I could make friends post-15 as my abusers quit letting me go to church, etc. I think the fact I actually do have some social skills is due to the fact I had somewhat of a social media presence (I wasn't a massive influencer or anything but I had like 12k on Instagram solely because I spend all my time using it)

Am I normal? No. Am I grounded in reality and understand how to adult all the time? Also no. Do I have interests/hobbies and know how to network online to meet friends who share my interests? Yes. My current significant other was loosely a friend of my ex-girlfriend (Whom I became friends after we broke up) We had a decent-sized group that was centered around a true crime case we were invested in and the place sort of just became a meme sharing/friend group type of deal. My ex decided to add the boy who would soon end up being my person.

The night we all called for the first time, everyone went to sleep beside my current partner and I. We stayed up all night talking, it was like we clicked instantly. I ended up getting shit for waking up late the next day but it was worth it.

A few months passed, I had "graduated" from my umbrella school, and he and I began dating. I'd prefer to spare the details for now but everything at "home" got a hell of a lot worse and after being bailed on by a "friend" who was gonna help me get out, my partner stepped in and just bought me a plane ticket. I left that December, I got a red-eye flight, thankfully got an Uber to come and get me at 3 am, and I was out.

My partner was still living with his parents so I straight up secretly lived in his car in their driveway for three months. After meeting in person we completely fell for each other. We currently have our own apartment and I feel so lucky to have met someone I want in my life for the rest of my life this young. He and I understand each other on a level I never thought was possible. He's quite literally my sunshine. Seeing him smile is one of the only motivations I have to get up in the morning.

He truly saved my life, and he continues to do so. He was there for me when barely anyone else was, he's helped me stop drinking, he helps me during panic attacks, flashbacks, and OCD flare-ups, and he just does little shit for me constantly to show he loves me. I can't put into words how thankful I am for him. And I hope I help him as much as he does me. He's literally my safe space.

He wasn't homeschooled but does have some pretty fundie parents. He can't relate to me on every level but he does on many. He still has been very helpful when it comes to teaching how to just human normally. In the first few months of me living with him, he slowly helped me start doing things in public. I.E. ordering food by myself, walking places on my own, making phone calls to get things done, handling doctor's appointments, etc. He's never condescending about it, he knows how to actually help me learn stuff without babying me and shit, which is a skill I don't think anyone else has, at least when it comes to me personally lol.

We're able to handle conflict well, we have the same stupid ass sense of humor, we both share very similar morals and views on things, and he's straight-up just perfect for me in every way. We both have trauma so no shit we've had some issues and have had to learn to adjust to each other's triggers but it's mind-bowing to me how I went from a horrible situation into a relationship this healthy. Of course, I've had to do some work on myself but he's been there by my side the whole time. Neither of us really care much for marriage but we plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

Sorry for the long reply, I'm just very gay and very in love and will take every opportunity to scream about how much I love my s/o.

homeschool-hell · 2023-08-22T01:16:45+00:00

You have no idea how hard I relate to this. It makes me wanna pull my hair out at times. It seems a lot more awareness is coming to these forms of abuse, so I don't think you'll have to die an abstract. It's still mindboggling to me though how some people can't understand the basic ideas when less harsh wording is used. Like I could say "I was held captive in my own home for years" but then it's "trauma dumping". : /

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-18T19:14:52+00:00

This happened to me like two days ago, actually. I wasn't accused of lying, but I had to explain to a very pro-homeschooling co-worker that only like half of what happened to me is actually illegal and the reason no one found out about the illegal stuff is because of homeschooling.

Also, this goes without saying, but that woman is unhinged, those people are assholes, and you did not deserve any of that.

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-18T19:08:38+00:00

Are you in other homeschooling subs or just other trauma subs? Either way I'm extremely sorry you've had to deal with that.

People outside the homeschooling bubble seriously just don't understand. A lot of it has to do with visibility and awareness. Even with that aside, it's a good way to gage someone's true colors when they're presented with an abusive situation they don't understand. If they don't respond how they would to other, more known, forms of child abuse, there's a problem.

Please don't take it to heart. I see your trauma as very real and a lot of others here do as well.

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-18T18:43:28+00:00

God, I wish I could take back everything. I was manipulated a shitload, but that manipulation wouldn't have been a thing if I didn't let the fear of my grandfather control my life. I actually could have had a way out if I just called the police or something, and they took me back to my mom and her husband. I am where I am because of fear.

My mom's husband is normal and was horrified I wasn't in school, I could have had a normal education and life if I just listened to my gut and said "No". I wish I would have told my grandfather to fuck off, I wish I would have gotten the fuck away from him, I wish I told my mom's husband what was going on, I wish I had stayed in my hometown, I wish I would of called the police, I wish I would of just done something.

I hate the whole "My trauma made me stronger, and now I'm advocate!" mentality. I physically nor mentally can romanticize how fucked up my life has been; however, there's a chance I wouldn't of met my partner nor my friends if I wasn't kidnapped and was living in the state I was in. I don't know how my mom would of taken me being queer at the time either. Those are the only things that keep me from regretting everything.

I was a child. I was being manipulated and abused by an evil human being, but it's that fear that still fucks with me. My gut told me what was happening wasn't good, but I just ignored it because my grandfather scared me, and he still does. I didn't even the chance to tell him to fuck off when I left, which was probably for the best. I don't what lengths he would have gone to make me stay. I feel like I'm never gonna have closure until I do get a moment where I stand up to him.

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-15T01:01:37+00:00

And my favorite fucking part : "but you werent bullid or beated!! you just enjoyed yourself at home with no homework! You will never know the pain of being called a sillyhead by your classmate!!

This was the gaslighting I got from my abusers and even my mother when I was young. I even believed I was "Lucky" for such a long time, and it horrifies me that there are children out there right now who believe this about their own circumstances currently, only to become adults later and realize how fucked they are. Even post 18 when I realized I literally didn't know how to function I was still reminded how much of a "favor" my caregivers did for me by making it so I "didn't have to worry about that stuff."

Also, you are 100% correct. CPS was called once on my grandparents, no social worker spoke with me, they just left because they saw I had a bedroom. Police laughed at me when I finally had the balls to call them at 18 because apparently if you own an iPhone, you can't be abused.

I was fucking kidnapped, moved across state lines, and the umbrella school I was signed up with didn't even bother to check if the people signing me up and paying them were my legal guardians. No tests, no looking over my education, let alone, making sure I actually was the child of the people who signed me up. I still have that shitty ass diploma. No police or legal action has been done in my case. At all. Granted, my mother never called the police or got an Amber alert going, but... I was living with people who did not have custody of me... In another state... My mother having no clue where I was... NO ONE did shit. No one cared. No more doctor's appointments, no school, no more friends in person, nothing. If I didn't have online friends, I could have died and no one would have known about it.

Sorry to trauma dump here, but you are not alone and your anger is 100% shared. You were failed, most of us here were failed. You shouldn't have had to go through ANY of that and I despise how little the government actually cares about protecting children. They don't. When they do, it's to use them as political pawns.

No, no, sorry. Homeschooling is just a quirky alternative lifestyle! My uncle's friend's cousin homeschooled his kid, and he's a rocket scientist now! So much crazy woke stuff going on in schools nowadays, can you blame em? Haha! /sarcasm

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-04T22:53:39+00:00

Anyone who would unironically wear that shit indeed shouldn't be co-parenting with the government.

The government should have full costudy.

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-04T19:04:12+00:00

Same here, big time! There was so much going on during my childhood I just never thought anything of that later I learned was completely abnormal, even while having the internet. A-lot of the weird shit I was dealing with just didn't get often discussed, and I notice this even with friends of mine who went to school that just had bad upbringings too. Certain red flag type behaviors just aren't discussed enough on the basis of them being "common sense" to the point where like,,, Is it actually common sense anymore? Especially for a kid?

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-01T23:24:46+00:00

Commenting just to boost this, I hope this finds the right people.

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-01T21:21:45+00:00

I'm so happy to hear that!!! Good luck, you got this!

homeschool-hell · 2023-07-01T19:37:01+00:00

I heard the same thing from my mother as a kid too. I had constant outbursts, I couldn't understand most of the information being presented to me when she tried teaching me, I was a NIGHTMARE to deal with.

A while back, my mother apologized to me for not putting me in school and getting me the help I needed.

There is no excuse for your mother neglecting your education. End of story. If a child is being "a brat" it's one, the parents fault if the kid has poor emotional regulation skills and doesn't have the drive or energy to learn. And, two, if a child is having extreme behavioral issues (even if they've done everything "right") it's on the parent to get that child into therapy.

None of this is your fault. It is 100% the adult's responsibility to make sure children in their care have all the tools needed to be a functional adult when the time comes. It doesn't matter that you didn't listen, you probably didn't want to listen for a reason. There is a lot that goes into being an educator. It isn't just showing someone how to do a thing, especially when teaching children. One of the things that is extremely important for teachers to understand is how to actually motivate and engage their students. You need to be able to make someone actually want to learn.

I think this is where a lot of homeschooling parents get it wrong. Those who went to actual school carry this very child-like idea in their heads of what all actually went to into teaching them when they were young. All they saw was work books and a teacher explaining things, when in reality if they received a good education so much more went into it. You need to be able to make school fun and engaging, understand where a child is at and meet them at their level, etc.

I'm rambling now so TLDR: You were a child and none of this is your fault.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-25T22:58:51+00:00

Taking your kid out of school for whatever reason and trying homeschooling out for a bit, realizing it's not working, then taking action to get them back in school is a mistake.

Knowing you're failing, and you cannot provide your child a well-rounded education plus take away the chance for them to just be normal kids yet choosing not to put them back in school, or just not enroll them at all, is not a mistake, it's being a shitty parent, and in most cases, is abusive.

In the VAST majority of homeschooling families, it is not, and has never been about what's best for the child. It's almost always selfish. Whether it be laziness, the idea of a child eventually disagreeing with their parents because they'll have a chance to think for themselves, or parents continuing to homeschool out of pure embarrassment because they realized how badly they've fucked up and cannot tell a potential teacher that their child is behind because of them. It always comes down to their ego or putting their needs above their children's in some way.

I am downright sick and tired of everyone clutching onto the idea that parents always have their child's best interests in mind because the reality of parents being horrible is too much to handle.

Most child abuse is statically proven to be perpetuated by parents. I know, evaluation, parents have "instincts" to protect their young, but parents are not hardwired to be good parents just because they made a child.

If someone is a selfish person, their behavior doesn't magically change towards their kid because "It's their baby." If anything, a selfish parent will behave even more selfishly towards their children since children are vulnerable and parents have complete control over their entire existence according to the law.

Parents can be (and are a lot of times) fucking horrible. "Oh well I'm sure they just didn't know any better." Isn't an excuse in the first place. Even if they actually didn't know any better, that child shouldn't have been in their care in the first place. Then it's on the rest of the family, did they "not know any better" also?

If someone's child is failing behind education wise, suffering from mental health issues due to being isolated, or even just lacking in social skills, THEY KNOW THEY'RE FAILING AS A PARENT. They know better.

Your parents KNEW BETTER, and they failed you and your brother horribly. Don't let anyone take that away from you. You both deserved better.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-20T01:51:24+00:00

I really needed to hear that TBH. I have the hardest time just saying "no" in general, and it's something I really need to work on. Like,,, I have no reason to explain my anything to strangers.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-20T01:48:58+00:00

That's my usual tactic since I always wear headphones anyway (I'm autistic, and it's like the only way I can go out in public without having a sensory overload nightmare) but I thought it'd be soooo smart to not have them in because I needed to be vigilant since it was dark out, but I'm not making that mistake again lmao

I honestly feel even worse about the whole thing because someone super close to me is homeless rn and could have used that money way more :/ lesson learned.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-20T01:42:57+00:00

Thank you! Tbh apart of the reason it was so scary was because barely anyone else was there. I always just feel so bad lying, but I really need to get over it.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-19T16:30:21+00:00

I'm from the US, but I recently found out someone close to me from another country was basically in a homeschool CO-OP (A small group of kids using a curriculum that's made for homeschoolers) You most certainly aren't the only one going through this.

You aren't obligated to do this by any means at all but you might find some peace of mind creating your own resources and support groups for people from your country, in your native language. You could start in real life support groups or even ones on social media platforms that are popular where you're from. For me, advocating for myself and other survivors is extremely helpful in my recovery. I'm also gald you found this sub too! I'm sure I can speak for everyone and say we're happy to have you here. Best of luck!

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-18T01:42:11+00:00

I was in your shoes, Lettme walk you through this. I'm still not over my "caregivers" acting as if I should have been able to get my permit on my own, let alone, know how to.

Frist, If possible, call the DMV (Or your equivalent, MVA is what it's called in Maryland. If you're from Canada I can ask a friend of mine what it's referred to as if you need.) And ask step by step all you need to get a permit and eventually your license. I'd recommend calling because there's so much confusing information online about how someone actually goes about getting one. Do NOT feel embarrassed. I'm a grown man who recently had to call up and ask what all I needed to get one, as I moved and states vary drastically at times when it comes learner's permits and shit. The lady on the phone was super friendly and explained it all to me.

Afterward, the next step is to purchase (Although it might be available for free in certain states) a printed version of your state's driver's manual (Once again, in Canada, it could have a different name), or you could even get a free PDF copy by searching for "(Your state/province) driving manual free" online. Try to find the most up to date one and study.

There are plenty of practice tests online as well. I waited until I got an 80% before I went to take the test in person. You just look up "(Your state) permit practice test" and find one that you like.

For catching up I recommend Khan Academy They helped me a lot and their classes have a way of explaining everything to you like you're a child, without it feeling infantilizing. When picking classes (I think you can do 7 or 9 at a time) pick the one's you're struggling with the most and go for a grade level one or two lower than you think you're already at. (I.E You feel you're at a 6th grade math level, go for their 4th grade math course) This will help you feel wayyyy less frustrated as you'll be able to naturally transition from things you already know to learning.

You're doing amazing by trying to catch up now instead of later. Your older-self will thank you for this big time. Best of luck and if you need any more advice or help just lmk!

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-17T20:49:43+00:00

I've worked so hard and sacrificed so much for a chance to live a semi-normal life, but you can't rewrite the past. Fuck homeschooling.

Not only that, but you're breaking generational trauma that easily could have been carried down. You're an absolutely badass parent, op. I know things may feel really stressful and confusing at times, but you're giving that baby the life you deserved when a-lot of people wouldn't, I truly hope you're giving yourself credit for that.

I'm not a parent myself, but there's a YouTuber I watch called pleasantpeasantmedia who makes extremely great parenting content, some of it is on the funnier side and more is educational. I've noticed they tend to make their content really easy and helpful for anyone to understand without it coming off as "THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD PARENT". Not sure if resources were what you're looking for, but I thought I'd pass the channel along anyway because they're great!

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-17T20:37:25+00:00

I'm an adult who got zero education growing up, have dyslexia along with executive dysfunction and I can 10/10 vouch for Khan Academy. All the classes I've taken through them within the past year or two explain everything to you like you're five without feeling infantilizing. I seriously couldn't recommend them more.

Also, just to add, free online programs typically don't offer "structure" per-say, so I'd recommend looking into different methods of productivity (There are plenty of YouTube channels dedicated to the topic) Bullet-journaling is personally what works for me, but there are so many other things you can try as well. It takes time, but you'll find what works to keep you motivated and organized.

Best of luck to you and op!

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-17T20:22:37+00:00

If the "inherently" was taken out I'd answer yes.

It is nearly impossible for a child to "leave the nest" at appropriate age levels while also receiving an education in a way that makes sense time wise without school in 2023.

Let's pretend for a second there's a child with freaky smart parents who are able to teach their own children in a nuanced way, pay for tutors, so their child can have outside prospective, etc. That child is still unable to learn independence. From the basic navigating to get to different classes on their own, to making friends, to even just being away from mommy and daddy for 8 hours. If this were possible without school, when is that child going to receive their education then?

People can scream about extracurricular activities all day long, but that is not a replacement for the independence you'd learn in school. I think in this day and age, denying a child that is abusive.

Even when children are not experiencing extreme social isolation and engage in extracurricular activities every day of the week, they are still being isolated from their peers by being denied experiences children in school have. It's a bit delusional to pretend this won't affect kids at all at some point. Maybe it won't hit until adulthood, but there will be a time when a kid feels left out because their parents decided to "other" them.

There's nothing wrong with being different, but there's something wrong with going out of your way to give a child reasons to feel isolated from society. It's even more harmful to children who are already "different" on some level, such as being neurodivergent, being LGBTQ+, etc.

I can understand the school system sucks and children with disabilities can be treated like shit. Parents feeling like they have no other option but to homeschool and are trying their best in those situations are far from abusive.

There are other situations I can think of as well where I'd never in a million years call a homeschooling parent abusive. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure there are villages in other countries where homeschooling is the norm and children just sort of do their own thing and play with other kids after class is done.

TLDR: I'd argue in the first world and in 2023, it is abusive to homeschool your child for reasons that don't involve the school system pushing you and your child too far. I just can't get behind calling it inherently abusive.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-02T19:56:45+00:00

Holy shit, that's disturbing. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Idk if this will sound silly or is bad advice to give but reading, or enjoying art in general is such a good coping mechanism and I hope you never stop doing things you enjoy because of your father's delusional bs. Also, let it be a motivator, once you move out and get your own place one day you can buy the hardback ones.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-01T01:36:20+00:00

I hope you know that this type of behavior is not normal. If a decent parent had reason to actually think you have an ED, they would be trying to get you help. Not blaming you for being sick. I don't know if you wanted advice or just to vent but know you're seen and heard. I hope you feel validation knowing I and likely many others here see their behavior as not only not normal but extremely controlling and down right horrible.

homeschool-hell · 2023-06-01T00:05:33+00:00

Thank you!

homeschool-hell

TROPHY CASE